Thursday, December 30, 2010

Monday, December 27, 2010

Why the Community is Wrong

Nate asks:

If you have the time or inclination I'd really love to hear how you view this whole downside of the community, the apparent decent into misogyny as it were, or any ways to snap yourself out of that negative thinking

It's been a long time since I've read any community material so anything I comment about relates back to what I saw when I entered through when I left.

However, I think any company promoting how to make yourself "more attractive" or to "get ANY girl" still suffers from the same problems.

The same problems being that women are all the same and react the same to the same things. To me, that is bullshit.

The only way a company can make you "more attractive" is by assuming all women react positively to the same things and if you hit those points, all women will react positively to you.

Likewise, the only way you can get ANY girl you want is by assuming she is a video game, and if you press the right combination of buttons, you'll get the reaction you want.

Again, bullshit. And when you read those messages like that, you realize why it is bullshit.

The easiest way to get past those messages is to try saying the same thing to every girl in the same way. When you see that different girls react differently, you realize that not all women are the same.

Knowing that different women react differently to different things, there are different ways to handle this:

1) Adapt to them. That is, if one likes the sweet sensitive type, you become the sweet sensitive type for her. If another likes you to be more aggressive, you be more aggressive around her. This is, to some degree, what the community advocates. And if you enjoy doing this, go for it. I know lots of guys who enjoy figuring a girl out and playing their cards so they get her. And they're not associated with the community in any way. But they enjoy doing it rather than hating doing it and complaining about it all the time.

2) Be yourself. That is, you tell the jokes you find funny. You pay attention to the things you find interesting. You might be aggressive. You might be a bit more coy. Some girls will dig it. Some won't. The ones that do keep close. The ones that don't stay away.

This is how I choose to be. I have no interest in women who I have to "work" for. People shouldn't have to work for each other. I don't want to make a woman work for me. It should be easy for her to want to be with me. Again, it should be easy for her to WANT to be with me. Sometimes we have to prioritize. If she has to choose between a date with me and dinner with friends she hasn't seen in a while, I totally understand if she postpones and makes a counteroffer. If she chooses to watch Survivor instead of going out with me and provides no counteroffer, I understand too and I quickly lose interest because she doesn't have enough interest in me. It's not that she's not working for me. It's that she doesn't want me enough. When you love what you do, it's not work.

It's not a truth, it's a philosophy, an opinion. And I live my life how I want to live it. It's a choice I made and make every day. The guys I know who adapt to the girls they want, that's a choice they made too. And they're accepting of that. To not make the choice, that's what's unacceptable and leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.

This is where my frustration with the community comes from. It implies you have no say in the matter. It implies the only way to get women is their way. It glorifies one type of woman over the other when in fact, what makes a person valuable to another is not who they are but rather how you relate to them. Do they laugh at your jokes - the stuff you find funny? Do you laugh at theirs? Do you feel good around them? Do they feel good around you? It doesn't matter if she's a surgeon or a brunette or some other arbitrary measure of quality.

All that matters is how you feel around her. If you feel bad around her even if on paper she's perfect, she's not quality. And if you feel great around her, even if on paper she's a ditz, then she's gold. And the best part is, you don't have to change a thing about yourself to judge how you feel around someone. You just have to value yourself enough to do something about it.

When you want money, you get a job. When you want your laces tied, you tie them. When you want a girl, you make a move. Who you make that move on and how you make it, that's all up to you. And some girls will like how you operate. And some won't.

Their reaction should only tell you if she's right for you, not whether you are attractive or ugly. Her reaction has nothing to do with your value as a person but whether she is someone who is worth your time. The community implies the opposite.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Mistakes = Lessons

Too many people try to be perfect, to do without error. But the lessons we learn best are the ones we learn only after we fuck up.

Here's an email from a reader, edited to focus on the lessons learned:

Man, I'm pretty hurt right now.

I hung out with her. I started to touch her, and as I leaned in to kiss her, she said that she really needed to tell me something. She said we should just be friends...that even though she has fun with me, she says she knows that our relationship won't go anywhere serious.

She said she trusts her instincts and can tell within a couple minutes of meeting someone whether they're someone she can seriously date. She says she trusts her instincts on this and knows who would be a good match and who wouldn't. She does not jump into bed with anyone, and she only does serious dating. This, to me, totally affirms what you've said about game being pointless and that attraction is instinctive and you have no say in it.

She said she actually wanted me to ask her on a date, using the word "date" instead of just asking her to hang out. She wondered how, after three months, I never seriously asked her out. To me, honestly, I am very open to the idea of traditional dating -- it's just that community taught me so much garbage about how you should not be direct and simply ask her on a date. It's especially damaging that the community kind of implies that girls are a bunch of whores who are not into traditional dating.

I was holding her and said "maybe it's inappropriate to blurt out, but I think that you're really hot too" She totally lit up.

When she said I'm a nice guy, I actually felt a little insulted by that and told her that I feel really insecure about being perceived as a nice guy because I don't want to be seen as a pushover. She was really surprised that I'd be concerned about being seen as a pushover and if anything she thought I was really strong willed and very self confident while still being a really sweet, nice guy. I guess I feel so defensive about being seen as a nice guy because the community taught me it's a bad thing.

These points really hit home to me and taught me that girls are not whores who shun dating -- that the girls I'm into value quality dating, and they value DIRECTNESS -- as in they literally want a guy to tell them that they want to take her out and spend some time getting to know her.

I've gotten dates with girls who are intelligent but I've fucked it up with a lot of these girls because I've taken an immature approach to dating. Maybe it's just me but I notice a lot of similarities in the girls I get dates with, so many similarities that it's just eerie almost: they usually don't go to bars, they're usually not into facebook because they value their privacy a lot, they're usually introverted but sweet and open up more over time, they're usually VERY intelligent and some are a little nerdy, they usually have some solid interests (like volunteering, reading literature, learning an instrument, etc) that makes them interesting people, they do not date loser guys who don't have interests in life and aren't intelligent, and finally, they all rejected me when I didn't appear that I would seriously date them (probably because I'd talk about how I like to drunkenly party, which does not give an accurate description of my personality to a stranger who's just getting to know me).

Like, I've been so brainwashed by the community that girls just want to get fucked and shun traditional dating that it's left me so scared to just treat a girl right and take her on some dates. Even stuff like doing "the stone" in bars, I think is detrimental because a lot of the girls that I like just are NOT into that kind of thing and prefer to be intimate behind closed doors only. But I know at heart I'm a romantic and I want to date and all that stuff.

I didn't get this girl, but I feel so much more confident about opening directly and being direct because of what she told me today (because they instinctively know whether they'll date you or not so why beat around the bush), and also that I don't want to have sex on the first couple dates because I want to really get to like a girl first -- at this point in my life the connection is really important to me.

The experience taught me that she likes the sweet, low-key, nice me, and that I shouldn't shy away from that. I feel like in the future, I will be upfront with girls with my nice-guy mannerisms.

I feel much more comfortable asking a girl out by looking her straight in the eye and sincerely saying "I like you, and honestly, I'd like to hang out with you on a date, and just hang out and get to know each other better." I will provide a direction for the kind of date that I want. I'm fully expecting that it will freak some girls out, but after tonight's talk with this girl, I know it won't freak out the kinds of girls I'm into.

It would be an acceptable price to pay to get shot down by 99 girls if 1 girl that I'm really into says yes and it ultimately leads to an awesome relationship. I can't express how much more confident I feel in doing that after talking with this girl tonight, and hopefully that's a good silver lining in all this.

Congrats dude. You know what you want. And you're willing to drop the bullshit in order to get it. That's 99% of it. The rest of it is up to the girl. As you said, it will freak some girls out, but it won't freak out the kinds of girls you are into.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Grow a Beard and Dress like a Bum

Okay, not really. But quit doing things just because you think they'll help you get girls. Usually, the exact opposite (ie, not giving a shit) works better.

For example, I was grabbing a beer with some friends, and while waiting for our next round at the bar, I noticed several hot girls stand beside me to order while casually making conversation. There were several other spots they could have stood as it was a Wednesday night and the bar was next to dead.

I forgot to mention I was wearing a grey sweatshirt and a 2 month old beard. Maybe these chicks just happened to be into guys with beards. Maybe they dug I wasn't wearing a gay muscle shirt. Or maybe they were just horny and I seemed a sure thing.

It's happened to me several times in the past. I don't dress nice. I dress comfortable. I don't care about gelling up my hair or shaving or anything fancy. I don't even wear shoes, choosing flip flops instead.

And girls come talk to me. I can't explain it, but I know that when I shave, comb my hair, wear nice pants and shirts, and shoes, I have to go up and talk to girls. And I notice that the reason I do those things is because I'm planning to go talk to girls.

It's when I don't give a shit that they talk to me. Then my instincts take over.

Monday, November 29, 2010

On Instinct pt 2

I'm trying to keep my posts short these days, so even if I post multiple times a day, my goal is to have short easy to read advice.

On my last boys night out, I saw a great example of instinct. My recently single buddy elbowed a girl's boob accidentally. She didn't complain and simply said excuse me as she and her friend walked away. He stopped her and apologized profusely, kissing his fingers and rubbing it on the outside of the boob he hit. This got her and her friend laughing.

When asked who they were here with they pointed at each other. He asked if they were lesbian lovers. Like him, I was genuinely confused by their answer and thought the same thing. But this got them laughing even harder and more into him.

After some mundane getting to know each other, flirting, and touching with both of them, he got their numbers. Both of theirs. In front of the other. And they both brushed against his dick while leaving.

He simply said and did the first thing that came to mind without worrying about the consequences. He didn't care if he got numbers or sex despite being horny as hell since he felt he wasn't ready for either as a result of his recent break up. But he didn't let his past drama affect him from having a good time either.

On Instinct pt 1

I was asked to do a post on instinct vs fear.

Here's a good commercial that explains extinct. Commercials usually explain getting girls better than schools.

What this commercial does is focus on a passive viewer's ego. The second tiger has the prey surrender to it, he succeeds in this fiction, so viewers invariably want to be the second tiger.

A smart viewer, however, sees that because there are two types of tiger, and not just one type, both methods must work. If first method did not work, it would simply be impossible for the first tiger to exist. Thank you, natural selection.

Both tigers operate on instinct in this case. And both tigers survive, even if we focus on any one tiger's failure at any moment in time.

If that little voice is telling you to approach her or even if it's telling you to not approach her, and you do anyway, that's instinct. If that little voice is telling you to approach or not approach, and you do not approach, that's fear.

Face your fears. And smile when doing it.

Boys Night Out

Saturday night, I had a boys night out with two of my good friends. One recently broke up with his girlfriend and was nervous about trying to pick up girls after being out of practice for nearly 4 years. Which is understandable as it's only been a month since the break up was official.

The other friend just moved here from South America and to turn on his charm, he simply turns on his accent.

Guess which one got more numbers. Guess if I think it matters. I don't.

After chatting for a while, sharing stories of past conquests and failures, we were feeling frisky and with our drinks in hand, started talking to some women.

Now, both friends have different tastes in women. My buddy from South America is intimated by tall girls. So he didn't talk to them. My other buddy is intimated by tall girls too, but he enjoys intimidation. A girl who intimidates him turns him on.

Both guys approached women. Both used different tactics. My South America friend would stare down a girl. And I don't mean simply look at her, but actually stare at her. When she looked back at him, he'd go and talk to her. He didn't approach a lot of women however. That whole night, I think he approached only two women. The second one's boyfriend came over. And the first one worked there, pushing a cart around with various elixirs.

He ended up getting neither of their numbers. But they were the only two women he felt a compelling need to talk to. He could care less for the others, so he didn't bother.

The lesson to learn from him is that he just did what he wanted.

For example, once three girls approached all three of us. One was smoking. The other two were just cute. My South American friend was only interested in the hot one. She wasn't hot enough for him to approach, but hot enough to let her do the work. In fact, I think she approached because physically speaking, she was most attracted to my South American friend. Unfortunately for him, once she started talking to all of us, she seemed more interested in my other buddy. Which left the two of us playing wingman with the two other girls. I did my part. Which is flirt and keep her entertained without betraying my girlfriend. Which simply means joking around, teasing, and a few compliments without leading her on.

My South American friend however, happened to be distracted by the elixir girl. As he chatted her up, one of the girls felt left out and scorned, so she took her friends with her to the bathroom. I actually had to point out to my South American friend why they left. But neither of us held it against him. He was simply following his instincts. He wasn't attracted to the girls we were with, so he focused on the one he was attracted to.

My recently single friend, on the other hand, approached anyone he found reasonably attractive. His take - it's too soon for him to date anyone seriously right now when he's still carrying a flame for his ex, so it's simply all about the sex should he get so lucky. Some were cougars. Some were younger. In my opinion, I thought all were hot.

His approach was surprisingly bold, yet formulaic. Regardless if a girl was with a group or not, he'd walk up, say hi, and trade introductions. Then he'd say he found her (or the entire group) attractive and was wondering if she (or if anyone of them) was single because he wasn't interested in stepping on any toes.

Invariably, some were single. And they flirted for a bit, getting to know each other, teasing one another, joking, touching, etc. When conversation ran dry, he'd ask them out for coffee, regardless of how well the conversation went, regardless of how much chemistry he felt. Then he came back to join us and brag.

Some rejected him. But most accepted. Of the girls who agreed to meet up with him, every single one of them have set up a date this week with him. Sometimes a guy just gets lucky.

The thing to learn from him is that he kept his words simple. It was straight to the point and without any BS. Flirting was saved till after he confessed he was attracted to her and she admitted she was single and open to dating.

But his vibe, or attitude, all night was "I'm just having some fun." He was in a good mood and it didn't feel like he was working. I theorize that he could have said anything and still gotten the number if he kept the same vibe. But the very fact that the words did not matter meant he could cut out all the bullshit "gaming" and focus on straight talk. Good attitude + directness = success for him. Not with every girl he was interested in. But with enough to keep him happy.

The funny thing is, he unknowingly went for the elixir girl too. She rejected him, but she also explained why. It might have been bullshit, but had my South American friend just asked her out, he'd have not wasted the entire night pining about her and freed himself to move on. Or gotten her number if it was indeed bullshit and she was simply attracted to Mr. South America and not my single friend.

At the end of the night, Mr. South America actually said he thought he didn't waste time bullshitting until he saw how my single friend rolled. Needless to say, Mr. South America will not be wasting any more time cutting to the chase anymore.

That's not to say he had a bad or unsuccessful night. It's just that my single friend was the only one who got any numbers and dates from that night. Their cute friends were very interested in Mr. South America, so I'm sure if those dates turn into double dates, both guys will be getting laid.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

End Game vs Small Talk

Small Talk:

1. Talking about things you don't care about
2. Justifying what you want to do without needing to justify
3. Focusing on details like phone numbers and other logistics

End Game:

1. Focusing on the prize (ie a date, sex, etc).

When you meet a girl, do not waste time saying "I'm attracted to you" or "I think you're attractive". In general, there is nothing wrong with that. And if you are able to say it in such a way that doesn't imply you want her to take the lead, by all means, say it.

But if that is your way of saying "I'll do whatever you want to do, just let me know what that is", then do not say it.

Instead, focus on the end game. When you meet a girl and it comes time to close, say "let's get out of here" or "have a drink with me tonight" or "Buy me a gelatto this Friday".

If it's time to kiss her, a simple "come here" works.

Specific directions, no justifying. Focus on the end game. It's called leading. Try it.

Happy Thanksgiving to my regular and not-so-regular reader(s).

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Evolutionary Perspective

I'm not going to write about why girls are attracted to certain types of guys and how that relates to our evolutionary biology. But an interesting book on the topic is Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.

I am instead going to write about how predators adapt to their situation and how that relates to guys picking up girls.

For example, there are a variety of big cat predators. The lion and the tiger the most obvious. But the way they look and move are as much a result of genetics as they are a result of their surroundings. One lives in the open plains of Africa, the other in the jungles of Asia. One preys on gazelles and zebras, the other on antelope and elephants. Different needs resulted in different methods and structures to ensure the same thing - survival of the species.

In relation to getting girls, guys in different situations develop different methods towards achieving the same ends - regular sex.

For example, a friend of mine used to work as a cashier at a retail giant. Every shift, he'd have a line of girls waiting to flirt with him. Well, pay for the products they wanted. But because he didn't give a shit about his job or the pay, the fringe benefits were what kept him around. At the end of every shift, he'd have 2-3 numbers and 1-2 dates at the end of every week. He got them by flirting with every reasonably attractive female customer. Sometimes he'd talk about their purchases, sometimes by trying to get them to buy something else. And sometimes simply by blurting it out. He didn't have a lot of time to get to know a person, so he had to keep it short and snappy. Despite being an introvert, on the clock, he was outgoing and friendly. No customer complaints in either department.

Another friend of mine works 60-70hrs a week. He doesn't have time to meet girls except for when he's driving. He has even less time than the friend above. When he sees a cute girl in the car beside him, he doesn't waste any time. The window comes down and he asks if she's single. Regardless of her answer, he then asks for her number. Some girls dig his car. It's nothing special. But it's well taken care of. Some girls dig his confidence and cut to the chase attitude. Some girls think he's cute. And some think he's hilarious simply because he's so playful about it.

Frat boys tend to "hook up" with sorority girls. CEOs and political leaders tend to be married and/or use escorts or interns. Different circumstances breed different methods. In other words, your lifestyle affects who you get and how you get them.

Some lifestyles are better suited to monogamy. Some, despite the best intentions of those involved, tend to be better suited to more promiscuous sex.

And even within those confines, who they sleep with and how they end up sleeping with them vary even more.

I believe in being direct and cutting to the chase because it worked for me and my lifestyle. I am in a monogamous relationship now because it currently works best for me.

Your goal is to find what works for you. If you are in college, hooking up rather than dating is probably better suited to you. But that assumes you're in places convenient to hooking up. Maybe traditionally dating better suits your lifestyle despite being in a situation that encourages other manners of procreation, such as being indirect or playing it slow and smooth.

There is no one size fits all method. But if you find a method you are able to use confidently and consistently, it will eliminate the bad prospects (most likely in the form of them rejecting you) and attract those who dig that about you.

In other words, no matter what method you use, rejection happens. It's a necessary part of the process. And seeking to avoid rejection is seeking to avoid any method and likely to result in no success.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Leading pt 3

This past Halloween weekend, a couple of friends, me, and my girlfriend went to a different part of town to celebrate. I was particularly excited because my girl seemed into the idea of hooking up with a girl on Halloween. And bar hopping seemed best suited to such an event.

Now, while I try to pick up chicks for my friends, I'm rusty in terms of getting girls for myself. It's been over two years for me.

However, my enthusiasm rather than my fears prevailed.

I felt I talked too much with the first chick. As I was getting a drink at the bar, I happen to notice a cute girl sitting next to me. I sniffed her hair. Not subtly, but not too over the top either. Just enough so that she'd notice.

As a man, it's important to know what girls like. But not too much either. For example, it's important to know most girls like having their hair pulled and enjoy sex. But you don't want to know too much either. To keep the element of mystery and discovery alive.

Standing close to a man and having him inhale her is one of those things every man should know about every girl. She likes it. She likes being touched. But knowing where every woman likes to be sniffed and touched - that's something you have to find out in the moment and not try to research before hand. Just as reading the dictionary can be fun, so can exploring her body.

And that's all I did. I sniffed her hair. It smelled of coconut. I love coconut. So that's what I said. My questions were purely logistical because that's all I cared about. And she seemed into me. Where I think I screwed up was when I asked if she was available. Sometimes it makes sense to ask that question. Like when getting a phone number. Because you don't want to call her or be too overt in case her boyfriend sees her phone.

But it doesn't make sense for a one night stand. If she's not interested or not available, she just won't follow. If she is, reminding her she has a boyfriend is shooting yourself in the foot. I don't care much for "social intelligence" but I do put a big emphasis on common sense. This falls in the latter. I shot myself in the foot.

She said maybe, that depends on whose asking. I was pretty blunt when I said I was. She said "I'm not". It wasn't easy to hear, but it was honest. And while I can look at it like I just saved some time, I can't help but feel like if I hadn't asked about her availability and just led, we'd have hooked up that night.

I exited graciously and on to the next one.

I met her at another bar. Similar situation. I was at the bar ordering a drink. It was crowded and I saw her sitting next to me. A chance for me to redeem myself.

I look at her. She doesn't see me. I feel her shoulder. Strong. She looked me. I ask her what she's supposed to be. Nothing. She didn't dress up. I tell her that's lame. Even I dressed up. I didn't do much, but I dressed up.

Now, I could have spent the next fifteen minutes talking about costumes and coming up with fake characters she could claim she dressed up as. But I remembered the downfalls of talking too much. And I was more excited in the possibility of a threesome. My most immediate concern got my attention.

I stuck my head into her neck on the side opposite me. My hand may have rested on her thigh as I did this. When I first noticed her, I loved her head-crushing thighs and told myself I had to touch them before the night was over. One goal accomplished. She smelled nice. I told her this.

She didn't know what to say. Logistical questions again. Who are you here with? How far do you live. I don't mention my girlfriend. But I know she's watching, waiting.

I smell her again and plant a small kiss on her neck. This time I stare. I just look deep into her eyes. Feeling her out. Seeing what she's thinking. But more importantly, I let my eyes do the talking for me. And they said I want to smell the rest of her.

It lasts maybe 5 seconds. I think she knows what I want. To see if she wants it too, I grab her hands and walk towards the exit, where my girl is. With my other hand, I grab my girlfriend's and walk out. When out the door, I asked her "which way"?

We walked silently and swiftly to her place. As she opened the door, my girlfriend pushed her in and started making out. We walked inside. Her roommates weren't home. Or she lived alone. I didn't know at the time. But the couch was free. I cleared up some space for us and removed my shirt. When their clothes came off, it was glorious.

So what separated the two outcomes?

Was the first girl not into me? Maybe. No. Definitely. She lost interest in me when I asked if she was available. She was reminded of her relationship situation and didn't want me any more. Had she been single, maybe she'd have joined us. But maybe not.

But the lesson I took away from that was I did not lead. I asked her permission to lead her. You don't ask, you just do it.

I lucked out with the other girl. I didn't ask her if she wanted me. I told her I want her, and then led her. If she didn't want me, she would have stopped me.

It wasn't the fact that some guy just sniffed her and dragged her out. It was that I sniffed her and dragged her out.

The only reason she followed was because she was attracted to me. Either to my looks or to my behaviors. Or more likely, some combination of the two.

And she was into the idea of sex with me and my girlfriend (she wasn't drunk), so she followed. Had she not been into it, I'd have let her go. If she hesitated, I'd have tried to sell her, by amping up the sexual tension. But if she still backed off, I'd have let her go.

It might not be something I do in a grocery store. But I wouldn't feel the same in a grocery store. If I felt such overwhelming desire for someone, I'd do it. It doesn't guarantee she'd accept my advances, but I'd have made my desires clear.

Leading is going after what you want, simply, directly, and not asking for permission. It doesn't guarantee success, but it makes success an option, something following doesn't do.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What I Am

In my last post, I addressed what I am not advocating.

In this post, I'll address what I am - fun.

The way I see it, there are two ways of having fun:

1. with words
2. with actions


Imagine the following situation, you're walking on the beach and see an attractive woman staring at the sunset. She can see you. In fact, as you look at her, you get the sense she's checking you out while pretending not to. How do you approach?

You can walk up and say hi and talk about how beautiful the sunset is. And if you're smart and flirtatious, you will immediately say just after that, "not as beautiful as you." Then you'll both laugh and you'll admit "that was cheesy, but true." And if you're like me, you might try to explain some more "I'm just saying, I'd rather look at you naked than a sunset" while holding back your laughter but not a smile.

Or, you can do what I did and simply shout "I'm better looking than that sunset" - it was the first thing that came to my mind.


You're on a first date. You're having a polite get-to-know each other conversation about work or childhood, or something else you could have with your grandmother. She says something funny once in a while and you laugh. You say something funny when it comes naturally to you and she laughs and caresses your shoulder while pretending to slap it. Maybe a little too much because what you said isn't all that funny.

But that's natural too because your knees are touching one another and your hand is on the inside of her thigh. And when you talk, you're whispering in her ears. Perhaps your nose brushes her lobes once in a while.

Or maybe you're sitting across from her, unable to touch her. And while you get to know each other, you stare into her eyes. Your fingers run down your lips and neck, as they would on her if you were in bed naked with each other.


What you should take away from this post is not that when picking up girls you should have fun with words and when on a date have fun with actions.

What you should take away from this post is that you should have fun in a way that expresses your interest all the time.

Sometimes your interest is that of distinterest - you are not attracted. Do not stick around pretending to be. Sometimes using words comes more naturally than actions to express your desire for her. Sometimes actions are more natural.

Whatever the method, the end goal is the same - have fun. Go big or go home. Life is too short to be timid and boring. Be clear about what you want. And have fun doing it. Make it a game.

As I said to another reader, you have to test her to see if she's any fun. But the ONLY way to do that is by having fun yourself with and without her. Are you going to bore yourself to death just because she's not with you?

NO! Fuck that. Have fun without her. If she's any good for you, she'll enjoy what you do to have fun. If she's not, she'll get out of the way. But that requires you actually have fun regardless of what she's into.

It's your life. Step one of the big three is living your life. And do you want a boring life?

Think of it this way - you're part of a night cleaning crew at an office or whatever. Do you just do your job and leave, quickly, quietly? Or do you try to have fun within the limits you have?

I know if I was stuck doing the same mindless job every day, I'd find ways to have fun, ways to entertain myself, without breaking any of the rules. If the rules are too restrictive, I'd find another job. Life is about making myself happy, not being a slave to others.

If you think of girls as a numbers game, that means you have to approach and date a lot of women to find the one. You can make it boring. Or you can find ways to entertain yourself.

You're not going to scare of any chick you actually want by doing so.

Because the chicks you actually want will be into whatever you do to entertain yourself. And that's the point. You want to scare off anyone who is not into you. Whoever remains, well, she actually enjoys your company. But that requires you entertaining yourself, as opposed to doing something to "win her" or worse, "not scare her."

You don't want to break any rules, like raping her, assaulting her, stealing from her, or drugging her. And if you're sane and normal, those won't even be options for you. But that still leaves a lot of room to have fun with.

As a tip, I'll say the easiest way I know how to have fun is to be honest. Approaching brutally honest, but I don't like the word brutal. I don't think of the truth as brutal. But I can be blunt. And I often enjoy it. And being a genuinely nice guy, I find it hard to deliver the truth in a mean way.

If I'm sexually attracted to someone, I'm blunt about it - with words AND actions.


Are you going to approach 100 women and use the exact same boring line starting with "excuse me"?

Or are you going to approach 100 women and try to have fun each time?

What I'm Not

I've said it before, but I do not advocate being either direct or indirect. Nor do I advocate being clever or boring. But I can see how some might be confused. It's important not to look at any one of my posts as having all the answers.

More often than not, they are triggered by some experience I or my friends or my readers have had and attempt to describe what could have been done in that situation to better express their interest in the girl. That doesn't mean they would have gotten the girl. It just means they could have done something more to make their interest more clear. Or have had more fun doing so.

Sometimes guys get too serious and treat this like work. They walk up to a girl, stand five feet away, talk about the weather, and then ask her out. Of course she'll say no! I'll advocate having more fun and being a bit more aggressive in such a situation. And then they'll see me as advocating being clever or witty or any of the number of things other pick schools of thought have advocated in the past.

And that's not true either.

To get what I advocate, it's essential to look at all my readings and see what applies to you. Just as not all cultures cook the same food and not all musicians play the same types of songs, not every man gets a woman the same way.

But all cultures cook delicious food, there's good music in every genre (except trance), and every man is capable of getting a woman he is attracted to. And it doesn't happen by following the recipe mechanically.

It happens by adding a bit of fun and your own personality into the mix while keeping your eyes on the prize.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Leading pt 2

Moves are like an earthquake. Making a move changes things. You cannot expect to make a move and expect no one to notice, least of all the girl you're putting the moves on.

But that's a good thing. Because how she handles it tells you whether she's into it or not.

If making a move was covert and indistinguishable from not making a move, she would have nothing to react to before it was actually happening.

That would be like a stand-up comedian just saying punchlines without the setup. Just plain weird.

Watch this clip from Season 4 of Weeds. (about 11:05 in)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Leading pt 1

Leading is about providing direction and taking the first step. It's saying "let's get out of here," it's pulling her in and planting your lips on hers, it's taking her hand and leading her into the bedroom, it's slipping your hands under her shirt and onto her bare skin.

Saying "I like you" is not leading. Lesser men say it as a way of giving up the lead to her. That's why women freak out. They do not want to lead. It's hard. It takes guts. It takes resilience. It takes being a man.

Monday, October 11, 2010

That Whore!

Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Karen Owen's Fuck List has made the rounds, and everyone has an opinion.

I'm not going to comment on the name calling or the opinions of others. I'm not even going to comment on her ranking of the guys she hooked up with or how she ranked them.

I will however point out one simple fact - loser and winner alike, all the guys she slept with made the first move. They were unambiguous in their words and actions. Often times, it was the cleverly worded "let's fuck" or "you've got a great rack" along with physically grabbing her.

In some cases, personality defects, disagreeableness and national origin didn't stop her from sleeping with the guy. She hooked up anyway and regretted it later.

And those guys who made a move but still didn't hook up with her - they're probably glad they dodged that bullet. She wrote nothing about them, they lost nothing by making a move and they probably all have healthy and full sex lives despite not banging Karen Owen.

But not in a single case did she make the first move, even if, for the sake of argument, she is the biggest slut on the planet (a label I don't attach to her).

And that's important to remember.

My advice to those reading - do not try to be any girl's 12 out of 10. Her ranking of you is based on several factors, subjective factors. Instead, make a move and let her rank you after you get yours. In the worst case, you got yours. In the best case, you found someone who values you just the way you are, with zero effort spent on "self-improvement".

Because no matter how big a slut a girl is, she will rarely make the first move.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Bitch/Sex Paradox

When you first get into a relationship, everything is fantastic. Frequent sex, no arguments, etc.

But the longer you stay in that relationship, the less sex you have and the more arguments you have.

I'm not going to blame the lack of sex on the girl. I'm going to blame her bitchiness and arguing on the lack of sex.

The more sex a girl has, the more sex a girl wants. For men, sadly, the opposite is true, at least when it is with the same person. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Several evolutionary factors contribute to it and make it beneficial.

But for women, especially in long term relationships, the less sex she has, the less she is able to deal with stress and the more likely she is to turn her frustrations and anger towards the release of her frustrations - the man in her life.

If you're in a long term relationship and wondering why you're arguing more*, it's because you're having less sex. Fuck her rough, fuck her hard. Make her submit to your cock in bed, and she'll submit to you in life. Start early, maintain for the rest of your life.

Viagra has a greater purpose than just getting an old man off - keeping his woman happy.

*this assumes there is no real reason for the argument. If you're having real problems, this is not the answer.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


In this short life, a man only has three responsibilities.

1) Shelter
2) Food
3) Continue the species

That is it. In fact, with that last one, I can actually reduce it to two responsibilities.

1) Continue the species
2) Survive till old age

If we look at survival as the goal, shelter and food become the means by which we accomplish that. We get those means through other means - money, job, car, TV, internet, etc.

All that other shit are just means by which we accomplish those goals.

Only reason we need a car is to get to work, the supermarket, etc in order to earn money to pay the rent or mortgage on time and buy the chicken to stuff in the oven.

The TV and internet is stuff we do for recreation. But recreation is itself a means to an end. By having fun with others, we bond with them. With males we bond with, we find the type of support necessary for our own survival - financial aid when times get rough, roommates to split the rent with, fellow hunters when stalking our prey, etc.

Making male friends is good for survival, but still only a means towards survival.

And the women we bond with, they allow us to accomplish our second goal - continue the species. But recreation is a means by which we get our women.

This post probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you. It barely makes sense to me.

I guess all I'm saying is don't lose sight of the bigger picture. Fancy clothes, mansions, fast cars, 500+ TV Channels, the ideal job. They're nice. But they're not essential.

Focus on taking care of the big two things in your life:

1) surviving
2) procreating

The rest of it is just how you get those two things done. There are ways that give you pleasure and ways that make it painful for you to want to do either of the big two.

Don't sweat it if you didn't go to college or if you aren't married to your high school crush. You may have lost the battle, but the war is far from over.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Review: Assholes Finish First

I just received the new Tucker Max book Assholes Finish First, and though I'm not through reading it, I've read enough (about half) to want to recommend it.

For those of you who have read his website and his previous book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, it's more of the same. He even reprints two or three of the same stories, with slightly different words. It's like hearing the same story again from the same guy over a different beer in a different bar. Straight from his mouth.

But that would be my only criticism of it. AFF is an entertaining read as well as an educational one.

Max brags and self-deprecates with stories about his conquests - hot girls, average girls, ugly girls, fat girls, midget girls, amputees, LA girls, and the list goes on.

As a guy, I find his stories entertaining. Some of them crossover into asshole territory (well, most of them do - okay, all of them), but the fact that he owns up to it and shows how not everyone loves him but still holds himself in high esteem adds to his credibility and charm. Some of my best friends are assholes, but the fact they're honest about it is why they are my friends.

He's also a talented writer. His way with words and comedic timing are brilliant. Easy to read and they paint an enticing picture.

But most people familiar with Max focus on his drunken debauchery and think he advocates that as a lifestyle for everyone. Not so.

One of things I got from him from his first book, and even this one, is that he is rejected far more than he is successful. He makes fun of everyone and everything. Most girls hate him for it.

How would you feel if someone did nothing but make fun of your insecurities with every word out of their mouth?

But some girls loved it. Or they were willing to put up with it just to sleep with him, long before he had become famous. They found something about him attractive, maybe mistaking his obnoxiousness for charm and charisma as the reason for his being the center of attention.

It was this dynamic, of him getting rejected and him getting sex from different women for the same exact reason coupled with my own experiences that led me to my theory of the big three and added to my own self-confidence.

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Some girls will hate you. A lot will, actually, no matter how you act. But some girls will love you, or put up with you, no matter how you act. But regardless of how you act, it's up to you make a move and tell them "I want to make a mess in your mouth."

That and even the most famous of manwhores doesn't bang hot girls all the time. He sleeps with whoever is willing and isn't put off by him - and can still get him reasonably excited.

I don't advocate sleeping with women you are not attracted to. But I do say that if you expect to sleep with only women you consider 10s, you won't be sleeping with a lot of women.

Quality over quantity. It's a lesson Max imparts well, even if he opts for quantity over quality.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Mission 3

So you've gotten good at getting phone numbers and dates, but you still aren't getting laid, so what are you doing wrong?

Nothing. Or everything.

Do the girls know that they're on a date with you and not simply hanging out with a friend? Really? You used the word "date" and have not hidden it behind humor or sarcasm so as to diffuse its meaning?

A girl has to know your desire for her. Sometimes you use clear unambiguous words. And you always back it up with action.

Take for example the phrase "Yeah, I want to fuck you."

Try saying it sarcastically. Right now. Sitting right there. Say it out loud or in your head.

It will probably sound something like this:

"Sshhheaaah. I want to fuck you" *eye roll*

The words were fast, lots of variation in tone of voice and facial expression.

Now trying saying it as if you really meant it.

It will probably sound something like this:

*look into her eyes*
*glance down to her lips*
*your eyes slowly drift back to her eyes*
"I want to fuck you"

You'll probably say it softer, kinder, and slower. Of course, that's not the only way to say it. You may say it without using any words. You may use different words.

But your actions and tone of voice would likely be only slightly different.

And that's what mission three is about. Being sexual.

With every girl you meet and are attracted to, you are to be sexual with them. You may choose to wait until you're on a date or seem to be clicking, you may choose to start immediately.

The point here isn't to avoid rejection. If she's not interested, you will be rejected, make no doubt about it. But that's the point. You want to sort out the ones who are interested from the ones who aren't.

And I will say that the sooner she rejects you because of your sexual advances, the better.

Why waste time on a girl who isn't interested?

Meeting the Folks

It's always nerve racking to meet a girl's family for the first time. With her friends, it's likely they share her sense of humor or have something else in common with her. So if you get along with her, it's almost guaranteed you'll get along with her friends.

But her parents are a different story. Even if they do share the same sense of humor as you, you'll still find the need to hold some thoughts back. Sex jokes, for example, are off the table unless they're subtle.

A simple rule to help get by is that if you won't say it in front of your parents, don't say it in front of hers. Outside of that, have fun and let the good times roll.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Sex Tip#3

When you are ready to close, do not ask for her number. Do not ask for a date. Only ask her back to your place or hers. Sex is the only close that counts. If she rejects your offer of sex and does not provide an appealing alternative (like a date or number), find another girl.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Stop Blaming Others

In addition to not blaming yourself when a girl doesn't accept your advances, you have to stop blaming others for "cockblocking" you.

Nothing bothers me more than when a guy says he didn't get the girl because his friends started talking to him or some strangers started talking to the girl he was interested in or that her friend pulled her away from him.

Not being able to take responsibility for your own short comings is probably why the girl, and people in general, are fine with not spending time with you. When you stop blaming others for your not getting laid, perhaps you will be able to find ways to get laid despite the obstacles you may have to face.

Everyone has obstacles, but there are those who get over them and there are those who blame them. A blamer doesn't get over his obstacles. He wallows in self-pity and bitterness. And I can't think of a lot of people who enjoy being around bitter people.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I hate the laziness of people sometimes.

We live next door to each other, we don't need to be on each other's Facebook. Contact me using my phone, my email, or by knocking. Have a beer or cup of coffee with me. But I will not get a Facebook account so you can delude yourself into thinking I care enough to stalk you. If you want me to check out your photos, show them to me in person.

I hate technology sometimes. Nothing has done more to distance us from each other than technology, for better or worse.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Self Esteem vs Entitlement

This is for boys and girls.

When I tell guys that they are measure of all things, they think I'm telling to them to be conceited jerks who think they are always right and others are always wrong.

And that's bullshit.

It's like girls who have the "princess" syndrome. Yes, thinking you are the center of the universe is a bad thing.

Thinking you are the center of YOUR universe is, however, a good thing.

The difference is that when you think you are the center of the universe, you think others owe you something and you have no respect of them. That's conceit.

When you think you are the center of YOUR universe, you judge others based on how useful and compatible they are to you, but you also recognize that they are masters of their own domain.

You recognize that in order to get, you have to give. It's just that you know what you have to give is valuable as opposed to not enough or too good to give anyone for any reason.

Simply put, entitlement and conceit is thinking your shit doesn't stink and everyone else's does. Having low self-esteem is thinking everyone else's shit smells better than yours. And high self esteem or confidence is knowing your shit stinks, but everyone else's shit stinks equally bad.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

How to Get Girls, the movie

Many guys in the community use movies to illustrate what a ladies man looks and acts like.

The sad part is that they use modern movies where guys don't make moves. They talk their way into a girls pants or use their looks. The problem with that is, it's fake. Brad Pitt might be able to get Flo the waitress to make a move on him. But he had to man up and make a move to get Jennifer and Angelina. And they're not going to show you that in a movie. Not when the people making movies simply have to announce what they do to get panties to drop.

If you're looking for men to model yourself after, stay away from current actors. No George Clooney, no Brad Pitt, and certainly not Matt Damon. I like Meet Joe Black as much as the next guy. But it's not what's going to get you a girl.

Instead, sign up for a Netflix account and get your hands on every Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart, and Kirk Douglas movie you can.

Get over the fact that they're black and white and shot almost 80 years ago. Human nature is timeless, and if you want to learn how to be a take charge kind of guy, they're the ones to show a movie.

They each have something modern society loves to hate and hates to love (but still secretly desires) - masculinity.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Graduation Day

This made me smile.

Man, shit's been good the last week or two. I always wondered what it was that other guys seemed to have that I didn't. I think I figured it out. You strip away any agenda, or any thoughts of manipulation and replace it with honesty. From there, you just tell people your desires and sift out the ones that aren't on board, to just the ones that are. You express yourself freely and without any second guessing, because you do so without requiring any response. I'm still anxious at times, but I'm content. I've never been more content and comfortable communicating with people, than probably my childhood.

Shot off a couple texts tonight, to two different chicks. One didn't respond, the other I told I wanted to meet up and make out (after hardly talking to her in months), and we ended up doing that and more at her place.

He has arrived. Whose next?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

To Fuck or Not to Fuck?

Last night I was out with a good friend of mine. He was with a ridiculously cute girl who wanted to rape him.

During her trips to the bathroom, he confided he had no desire to fuck her. I thought it was stupid, but every man has to do right by himself.

Regardless, I had to know why. He said he was going through a phase where he was more interested in female friends than sex. And that's a perfectly valid reason.

But he was confused as to what to do because he was also attracted to her.

My advice: fuck her. Sex is not a life long commitment. And if she's cool enough to separate sex from love and monogamy, it's a chick you want to be friends with. And if she's not, then you found that out sooner than you would have by putting it off. That and if you avoid sex, she'll still lust after you in secret and that's not a real friendship. And that's assuming she's willing to stay friends if sex is not an option. She has a say in remaining friends too.

Sex solves everything, especially when she's made it obvious its what she wants and you want it too, even if you're split about the decision.

Don't try to control the future.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sex Tip#2

The easiest "move" for kissing is to say "come here" as if you were whispering it and then put your lips to hers.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Negotiation 101

Basics of Negotiation:

1) Ask for the most that you want and more
2) Decide if the most you can get is enough
3) Agree to terms or walk away


When negotiating your salary at a new job:

1) You want $60K a year
2) You ask for $75K a year
3) They offer at $50K plus a generous benefits package

When with a girl:

1) You want sex
2) You ask her back to your place
3) She gives you her number instead
4) You propose a date Friday instead of taking a number
5) She agrees
6) You take number

How not to negotiate:

1) Ask for less than what you want
2) Hope and pray you can get more


When negotiating your salary at a new job:

1) You want $60k a year
2) You ask for $40K a year
3) They say okay
4) You missed out on $50K a year plus benefits

When with a girl:

1) You want sex
2) You ask for her number
3) She says okay
4) You have number but no date
5) She's clueless about your intentions

Of course, going for a number and escalating later is a viable option with women.

But that's called escalating, not negotiating. As a man, you must learn both. As a woman too.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Sex Tip #1

Sex begins before penetration.

No matter how nervous you are or how hot she is, if you get in close, real close, so close that her earlobe touches your nose, you'll notice how calm you become and how instinct takes over.

Don't be surprised if you find yourself nibbling on her earlobes and licking her ears or biting her neck.

And don't be surprised if she lets you - or if she likes it.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Looming Breakup

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for your advice over the years. Ten months ago, I met the most amazing woman. The "one" for me. I'd been with a lot of women before, but never had I met one that made me feel so good about being myself. Then she dropped a bombshell on me. She's moving to Australia at the start of the new year to go to med school. At first, we tried to figure out if I could move with her. But my family and career is here. It's not something I can do over there. And she cannot simply waste another year trying to get into med school here.

Neither of us can go without sex too long. In fact, our relationship was what it was (and is) because we are so freaky. Freaky, but exclusive and committed. She is my lover, my best friend, and my confidant.

We've decided to visit each other and remain friends (with benefits if the chemistry is still there) and get back together after she finishes and moves back if we've both not found anyone better. But I have no idea how to deal with the loss once she moves. I went monogamous because I had no extreme desire to fuck other women after being with her. How do I go back to being single? The thought of finding someone to replace her repulses me. I feel like the universe is against me.

Sorry to hear about your situation. But the universe is not against you. The universe doesn't even know you exist. If she is truly the one for you, you'll end up together somehow. Four years is a long time, and time heals all wounds.

Remember, things are going to end up however they are supposed to. It's up to us to make the best of them. Embrace your singlehood. And keep an open heart. While no one can ever replace her, no one should replace her and you should not try to find a replacement. All good things come to an end. And just as you cannot buy a new pup to replace a dead pet, you cannot get a new girl to replace the old. But you can forge new relationships.

Cherish the time you had. Keep her in your life is feasible. But don't live in the past. Keep moving forward. Don't avoid getting into other relationships, and don't try to jump into one just to be in one. Know that by making the best of your life from this point forward, you'll find happiness sooner than you think.

I'm sorry I have no better advice for you as I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Perhaps other readers can offer you more insight.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Why you fear rejection

I made an interesting observation recently. A month ago, I decided to "retire" a couple of the places, I used to go to for fast food and coffee. I'd go there to interact with the female staff that I found attractive. I'd rarely try to close, mostly opting for passive awkward conversation, of me trying to be clever or run game. It was hit or miss, approval seeking and I was tired of doing it and being reminded of my history with it.

I decided to start going to a different local Starbucks, to get coffee and read at regularly. I also decided to stop acting clever and instead, be in the moment aka let my mood fluctuate naturally.

I noticed quickly that I got into just as many, or more conversations, with the staff and fellow customers, as I had before, at the other Starbucks, when I'd tried to be clever/tailor my attitude to whatever I thought would win peoples affection. This time it felt natural and I didn't feel like a fraud and self-conscious, when my "act" didn't pan out.

Most importantly, the people I gelled with naturally, became that much more clear to me.

That part in bold is important. When you put on an act, when you try something you feel is fake, you feel bad when it fails. When you let things occur naturally, with no false pretenses, no "game", failure doesn't feel bad. And the connections you make are far more real and solid.

Be real, be natural, quit putting on an act. You don't have to earn her number. You just have to ask for it. You don't have to wow her, you just have to talk to her. If it works, it will be solid. If it doesn't, you won't feel bad about it.


Friday, August 6, 2010


Quit fearing rejection.

Rejection is a good thing.

It means you did what you wanted and she wasn't with it, which means she isn't what you want.

If you're not getting rejected, it means you're not doing it right.

Now, if you're doing what you want and getting what you want, this doesn't apply to you. You probably don't have a perfect batting average, but that's my point.

You don't get every girl. But if you go after every girl you find attractive, some will reject you and some will sleep with you and some will marry you and one won't divorce you.

If you're not getting laid and no girl has turned down your advances, it's because you have not made clear, unambiguous moves towards getting into her panties.

Reach for her crotch. If she turns you down, she's rejected you. If she lets you touch her, you're in. But you can't get there if you fear rejection and don't make the move.

Think of it this way, even if she rejects you, you're no worse off than you started. In fact you're better off because you acted like a man for once.

The Dream Girl

Quit fantasizing!

If you have in your head an image of what your dream girl looks and acts like, kill her. Not in real life, but your mental image of her.

Appreciate people for who they are.

If you're constantly measuring people up to some imaginary ideal, they'll always fall short.

Instead, take the time to see how they get along with you and you with them. See if they turn you on. See if they make you laugh. See if you can accept and live with their shortcomings, if the price of the very real bad times with them is worth all the very real good times with them.

Kill the fantasy. Go after the real thing.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I'm curious about your thoughts on beautiful women. What type of beauty you look for. Do you look for a certain level of beauty? How does her personality factor in? Have you ever felt pressure from friends or family, to hook up with a certain kind of women, or level of beauty.

I also remember hearing from a couple former CA instructors that while beautiful women were attainable, they were often a pain in the ass. I've also heard that some beautiful women have low self-esteem. I can also hear you say "They're normal people, like anyone else". :))

They are normal people like anyone else. Some have baggage. Some are a pain in the ass. Some I don't click with, despite being great human beings. And some I get along with despite being bitches to everyone else.

Do I look for a certain level of beauty? Yes. I have to be physically attracted. And yes, there are levels of hotness. So the scale of 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s is accurate to some degree. But the scale itself is subjective. A 7 on my scale might be an 8 or a 9 on someone elses scale, and vice versa. So what someone else considers hot has no bearing on me, and what I consider hot has no bearing on someone else's scale.

Lastly, as I got better with women, I felt no pressure from others to hook up with what they considered 8s, 9s or 10s. That's because I got better with women because I became more sure of what I liked and what I wanted. They go hand in hand - getting what you want and knowing what you want. Outside pressure had little sway on me because I was confident, and confidence got me what I wanted.

Also, I was well aware that beauty fades and that everyone gets bored of sameness. Meaning, no matter how hot the girl, someone somewhere was sick of her. So constantly looking for someone hotter was a waste of time. You have to learn to be happy with what you have.

That's not to say I dated girls who are hideous and learned to like them. Sure, I had drunken hookups to that effect. But, and maybe I was luckier than most, I've dated girls who ranged the whole spectrum of beauty, from the Kiera Knightleys to the Scarlett Johanssons. Some were part time models and struggling actresses some where amateur athletes, some were just hot assistants and store clerks or accountants.

But you can't judge girls through another persons eyes. Being self confident means using your own eyes and your own scale. We all value somethings more than others.

I've heard lots of guys say they'd rather date a 7 with self-confidence than a 10 with none. But I've also heard guys say they only care about looks. And some refuse to settle unless they find a 10 they click with and love and who loves them back. And all points of view are valid.

You have to decide for yourself what you want and what you will settle for. If she makes you happy, quit letting what others think get to you.

What others think may be what's holding you back from taking action and getting what you want in the first place.

After all, it wouldn't be called taking a risk if every thing went your way.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


From a reader:

I was wondering if you'd talk about what drove you early on (also what held you back), to break out of your shyness and approach women/hook up on a regular basis and what your goals were then and how they've changed, now that you've gotten experience. Thanks

Strangely, what drove me early on had nothing to do with girls. I'm a writer by trade. But what held me back was people skills, or rather, lack of them. I'd been an only child growing up, overweight, didn't wear name brand clothes, was teased mercilessly for everything from my weight, my race, to my name. Needless to say, my self esteem was very very low. However, at the same time I was keeping away from people, I studied, got good grades, pursued my passion for writing, and generally did things I enjoyed - only by myself. And yeah, I had people I hung out with and had fun with. And yeah, there were girls who hit on me, though I was oblivious at the time.

Fast forward to after college (and after I'd lost the weight), when I was still painfully shy. I had a hard time getting jobs and selling myself because I couldn't talk to people normally. While searching for tips on conversational ability, I stumbled onto the community.

It drew me in primarily because it was so specific about what to say and when. And the way I saw it, if I could talk a girl into taking her clothes off, I could nail any interview and pitch my ideas successfully. I was right, of course, but I had to find out the hard way that having routines was the worst way to go about doing either of those things.

Being a loner, I've always been self-motivated and driven. I figured if I got rich and famous, friends and women would come to me (while that's probably true, in hindsight, that's a horrible way to do it. How would you separate real friends from fair-weather friends?). When I decided to improve my people skills and get laid, I simply redirected my focus. My natural drive for success took over.

At first, yeah, I was scared to approach. I started with little exercises like keeping eye contact or saying hi to passersby. It worked great and I saw that just doing that had women winking at me and starting conversations with me. I was just too much of a pussy to keep it going.

The first time I decided to get a number, I got it. I simply nodded at what she said while doing my best to hide my boner and ultra-fast (and loud) heartbeats. Then I just asked if she'd like to go out.

Then I read some advice on what to say and do on the phone and how I should never agree to a day or time she suggests in order to keep the upper hand. So naturally, I did that and blew my shot with her. She was hot too.

I thought the reason I blew it was because I didn't know enough. Looking back, I realize it was because I was direct that I got the number (the boner and nervousness probably helped too). And I most definitely lost the date because I played games.

Some days I talked to lots of women. Some I didn't talk to any. Some days I got lots of solid numbers. Some I got lots of flakes. And some I didn't get any. Some dates were good and fun, but I was too much of a pussy to make a move. And other dates were had the worst awkward silences. And of course, amidst all the rejections, I had a shit load of successes. More than if I'd had if I tried to avoid all the bad experiences.

As my confidence and belief in myself grew, as I made friends who were good with women, and as I made friends with women, I started believing in myself and relying less and less on the "right way" of doing things and just focused on doing things the way I enjoyed it. Not every girl enjoyed my company and those who didn't, I didn't get. I didn't get every girl, but I never got every girl to begin with. So no loss there. I saw it as an acceptable price to pay for being happy with myself and the way I did things.

And the ones I did get, well, they loved the way I did things. They loved that I was introverted. They loved that I hated clubbing and was a movie snob. They loved that I was direct but inexplicably nervous at times. They liked that I wasn't always sure what to do and didn't try to hide it. And the things I tried to hide, they loved that about me too. I "got" them because they wanted me. I defined myself by the way I did things and the things I did.

Some realizations about how easy hooking up was didn't strike me until after I'd already gotten into a relationship with my current girlfriend (almost 2 years strong). That's not to say I didn't do any of this while single. I did. It's just I didn't realize what I was doing or why it worked until after I'd given up chasing pussy.

I'd (and still do) flirt with women just for the sake of flirting, knowing I wouldn't cross that line into cheating. And I also try to hook up friends of mine who are single and are too scared to approach. The theories have worked for me and my friends ballsy enough to try it, and I share them here for the world to benefit.

My goals now are simple - keep living the good life. It may or may not include marriage. It may or may not include kids. But it definitely involves sex and my girlfriend. And writing. And TV. And money. And UFC.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Mission 2

A while ago I posted Mission 1. Here is Mission 2:

1) When on a first or second, or even a third date, go somewhere you can afford and normally have fun at.

2) When there, talk to her, get to know her, and try to have some fun. This should be easy because you are already some place where you know how to have fun.

3) Make a move.

Now, to explain the three step mission above:

One - You want to go some place that you feel comfortable. Getting comfortable enough to be yourself around a new person is challenging enough. Do not make the mistake of going someplace where you have no idea what you are doing. This is not to impress her. It is simply to limit your obstacles so that you are free to focus your undivided attention on her. One of the benefits of going to place you already are comfortable in is that she gets to see your fun, calm, confident side. Confidence is just another word for being comfortable with oneself. It's easy to feel and be confident in a place you love and a place that loves you back. It also gives her a chance to get to know you by being an easy conversation starter. Think back to Show and Tell in Kindergarten. Share the place that brings you joy with her. By doing so, you end up sharing a little bit about yourself and she gets to know you.

Suggestions: dive bars where you normally play pool or drink at, video rental stores or supermarkets, coffee shops, the pier or the beach, a park, art gallery, museum, a bookstore, the mall, whatever and where ever you would go even if by yourself. If you're the type who goes to wine tastings or martini bars, that's cool too. Do not let the method define who you are. You define the method.

Two - Talk to her. Get to know her. And don't take things too seriously. In other words, loosen up, enjoy your surroundings, your date, and the moment. Have fun. Trust your instincts. If she's talking about her grandma dying, don't make a joke out of it. On the other hand, if she's talking politics and if you do not want to talk about that, feel free to make a joke and change subjects. It's one thing to tell a girl you're a great guy and another thing to show her. Show her how awesome and true to yourself you are (one and the same thing, in my opinion).

Three - make a move. You can tell a girl you find her sexy all you want, but if you aren't touching her, nibbling at her ears, or trying to kiss her, then she's not likely to believe you. Actions speak louder than words. Show and Tell applies here too. Talking sex is fine, but be sexual. Look at her with a genuine hunger in your eyes. If you have to fake wanting her, then you don't really want her. Move on to someone you really want, even if others do not. Your sex life is yours. It is not a social status competition.

In all of this, do not fear rejection. Welcome it. Search it out. That doesn't mean pretending to be or do something you are not or would never do.

It does mean be honest about what you want. It's the only real way to find out if she wants the same things too. If she doesn't want what you want, she will reject you sooner or later, and sooner is better than later. The sooner she rejects you, the sooner you can get back to searching for what you want instead of wasting time on someone who doesn't.

If she has no interest in the date you suggest, it's clear she does not enjoy the things you do. Do you want a girl like that as a girlfriend? As a one night stand? I do not want a girlfriend who doesn't enjoy what I do. But a one night stand, I could care less. But as I slept with more women, one night stands interested me less and less, though I still had my share*. Each man comes to his own conclusion. Trust your own desires, your own instincts.

If you make a move and she backs off, read her expression. Is it "what the hell?!" or is it "silly boy, not right now"? And more importantly, how does her reaction make you feel? Do you feel like trying again, or do you feel like a heel or end up resenting her for it? If you feel like trying again, do it again a little later when it feels right. If you feel bad about it, cut the date short and move on to something more fun for you. But you got to thicken your skin so you don't get butt-hurt at every rejection. And the only way to do that is to keep making a move.

Lastly, a girl is more than her looks. Otherwise, she may as well be a robot or mannequin. If that is what you want, do not waste your time on real women. But if you want a real woman, quit judging yourself. Quit thinking it's you who messed up. Quit blaming yourself and start judging her. Judge her by her personality, how she acts around you and how she treats you.

*Note: Girls who like you are willing to do whatever you suggest. So if you suggest something, they will do it. If they do not, they don't like you enough. Do not try to change their minds. Simply shift your focus to other girls. They will then either change their mind, make a counter-offer that interests you, or move on themselves. Either way, you win. In regards to one night stands, a girl who is down for a one night stand with you will also do whatever you suggest. You could be drinking with a couple of friends and invite her out and she will come dressed to the nines.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Types of Attraction

In the community, they often talk about attraction as if physical attraction and sexual attraction are the same. "Oh, she's hot, we have to want to fuck her".

In real life, it doesn't work like that. Indeed, scientists have classified attraction into 6 categories.

There's 1) physical attraction, 2) sexual attraction, 3) social attraction, 4) relational attraction, 5) task attraction, and 6) fatal attraction.

1) Physical - needs no explaining, but I'll do it anyway. We're drawn to someone because of the way they look. It's why girls can say another girl has nice boobs and still not want to suck on them.

2) Sexual - we want to fuck someone because they get us aroused. Why do they get us aroused? Any number of reasons, not always physical. She could just be massaging our glans while we ponder this question.

3) Social - hey, he or she is fun to be around and talk to, so we're drawn to them. Do not confuse for sexual attraction. This is why girls will hang around guys they have no intention of fucking - the guys are fun to be around.

4) Relational - when we think someone will make a good girlfriend or wife rather than "I just want to tear that pussy up".

5) Task - think back to middle school when you had to pick teams for basketball. Your first didn't want to fuck him? No. You just wanted to have a winning team. Same deal, you're drawn to whomever you feel will help you get the job done best.

6) Fatal - You know when you start hating the very thing that first attracted you to someone? Like that you guys argued about everything on your first date? But then you loved it and now you want to put a bullet in either yours or her head? Yeah, that's fatal attraction.

Neither exists in a vacuum. But it's important to note that if you're aiming for sexual attraction, it's pointless to go about it through non-direct means.

That is to say, if you want to get into her pants, do not consciously try to be her friend or do her homework.

Safety and Boredom part 2

In the first part, I showed how boredom in relationships came from feelings of insecurity, not feelings of safety.

The same applies to picking up chicas as a single guy. The more secure you are in who you are, the more risks you will take. The more risks you take (such as making your sexual desires known), the more likely you are to get laid.

Likewise, the more insecure your are about yourself, the less chances you take. Any tiny hint of rejection or failure would crush your ego and self esteem, so to keep the status quo (no sex, but no rejection either), you refuse to take a risk and put yourself out there.

To summarize - the more confident you are, the more likely you are to risk rejection, the more likely you get laid (or whatever else it is you go after). The less confident you are, the less like you are to risk rejection, and the less likely you are to get a girl (or whatever else it is you go after).

Quit doubting whether you are good enough for something, go after it and let it reject you.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Music Video

Not much of an update, but a friend just finished this music video. I thought it was hilarious, and if you use your imagination you can see how this applies to getting girls.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Safety and Boredom

This is for you guys in relationships. I hear from a lot guys (and women too), who say they get bored by the safety that relationships bring.

My retort to them is that they are with the wrong person. I don't believe safety and boredom have anything to do with each other in a relationship. Boredom can and often does arise from a lack of safety. Here's what I mean:

When do most people take risks? When they believe everything will be all right - when they'll come out of the risk safely!

If you're bored in your relationship, it's because you don't trust each other enough to take risks together - whether it's bringing in a sex toy or another person, or just being honest with the other person about your likes and dislikes (usually in bed, but other areas too).

Instead, to be "safe", they simply tolerate their lack of satisfaction in the relationship until they feel so confined and bored, they have to do something drastic to break out of it.

If you have your guard up, you're not safe, and you stay on the much beaten path to keep yourself protected, eventually getting bored and moving on.

Try being honest with the other person about your desires and pet peeves, through actions or words. You're only truly safe if you let your guard down. And when you're safe, you can take risks which keeps relationship fresh.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Time Orientation, Consequences, and Newton

I saw the full version of this interesting video and it got me thinking about girls. Very little gets me thinking about things other than girls.

Basically, there are people who constantly focus on the past, there are those who live only for the moment, and there are those who constantly work for a better future. Each has its advantages and disadvantages, and we all have a little bit of each inside of us.

When it comes to people however, the video says it is better to be present oriented, at least in that moment.

My guess is that if you are having trouble with girls or people in general, it's because you are future oriented. "What do I do to get this girl in bed with me, will she like me, I wonder how many kids we'll have?" are just some of the questions running through your head. Either that or you are past oriented, in which you constantly compare the girl you are talking with to other girls or you are trying to avoid mistakes of the past, ie "the last time I made a move, the girl rejected me so this time I won't make a move so she doesn't reject me."

Either way, you are not focused on this moment with this girl. And there's a simple solution. Being that you are so focused on the consequences of your reaction, learn to accept there will be consequences to any action.

According to Newton's Third Law of Motion, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That means if you want something great to happen, you have to expect something equally bad to happen. Simply put, winners are willing to lose. If you play to "never lose", you'll also never "win" because when you take steps to minimize the negative, you are effectively taking steps to minimize the positive. Low risk means low rewards.

Take for example that cute girl from work. Instead of thinking "I'd like to fuck her in 3.5 hours" think "I'd like to put my hand between her legs right now". The consequences could be good, the consequences could be bad. But if you're focused on what could happen, good or bad, you're not focused on the present, you're not focused on her, and you're not focused on what you want right now.

Accept that there will be consequences to your actions, then ignore them and act anyway. There is only what you are willing to live with and what you are not. If you are willing to live with rejection, you are more likely to risk failing big. And if you are more likely to risk failing big, you are also more likely to win big.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hunters, Gatherers, You?

I have told my girlfriend that while I am happier in an exclusive relationship with her, I do miss being single sometimes. It's not the sleeping with a variety women that I miss but rather the thrill of the hunt. I miss the flirting and escalating. I miss the thrill of getting a number or whispering something in her ear just so I can get close enough to smell her perfume.

Sex was not guaranteed when I was single. Things, despite seeming well, sometimes fell through and I never heard from those women again. Other times, despite looking like a train wreck, ended up with the both of us in bed sweaty and panting. It's partly why I subconsciously rejected online dating, where outcomes seemed more guaranteed.

It's completely different with my girlfriend. Yes, we still flirt with each other and have great sex. But the sex is guaranteed. I know I can wake up in the morning or text her in the middle of the day and I'll get laid.

Don't get me wrong. A monogamous relationship more than makes up for it in other ways, and I do have plenty to lose, but the thrill of THE hunt is gone.

And that's what this post is about. As a single man, while sex is not guaranteed for any of you, what you do have on your side is the hunt. You are free to push boundaries and actually risk something - going home alone. You have something to lose.

Read that again. You have something to lose.

While others may think you have nothing to lose as a single guy, the truth is you have plenty to lose. Say the wrong thing and offend the girl or reveal your intention to sleep with her rather than harmlessly flirt, and the possibility of sleeping with her is gone. Fail to hold her interest, and the possibility of sleeping with her is gone.

Yes, it's true that if something you say or do causes her to walk away, you never really had her, but that's the point.

While single, you have possibilities. In a relationship, you have guarantees.

And while that may not sound like much, or worse, may sound like too much to risk, the truth is that you're going to miss that when it's gone.

Though this may sound contradictory to my previous posts, urging you to act despite the possibility of losing her, it is not. My advice is the same. You must risk losing her, you must risk the possibility of her losing interest in you to actually gain the opportunity to hook up with her.

All this post is about is that you must cherish the gift of being single. Quit wishing for a girlfriend or looking for a relationship or a threesome or for anything in an obsessive compulsive way. Often, getting the prize is less rewarding than going after the prize.

As a single man, you have the ability to go up to an attractive stranger and not know if she's attracted to you physically, and not know if what you say will turn her off, and not know if you'll have any chemistry. That's possibility. That's the hunt. Enjoy it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Direct or Indirect?

So a lot of people have said my "method" takes a lot of balls because I say be direct. I agree my method takes balls. It's the only way to really show you have balls without trying hard (does a bird have to prove it has wings?). But I'm not about being direct.

I don't advocate going up to a girl and saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you".

Now, I don't advocate not doing that either. I do not advocate direct or indirect. I advocate trusting your instincts and doing what comes naturally in that moment. If it's saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you," say it. If it's direct, do it. If it's indirect, do it.

How will you know which is which? Your head is clear and instead of thinking what to do or what not to do, the words come to you. And then a little voice will say "no, don't do that". That's when you tell it to shut up and say it anyway.

Of course, instead of words, your body could tell you what to do, not say. The same thing happens. A little voice will tell you not to. Do it anyway.

And if no words come to you, you either probably don't want her or you do want her but have told your mind "no" before it's even suggested anything. In that case, say exactly that: "I want you, but I don't know what to say".

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Secret to Happiness

If your life sucks, do something about it. But even if you choose not to, quit bitching about it. The secret to happiness is not about getting what you want. The secret to happiness is knowing that no matter what you do, there will always be pain and suffering. The rich suffer and the poor suffer. The talented suffer and so do those to have none. Guys who get girls bitch, guys who don't get girls bitch.

Knowing that you'll always have something to whine about and choosing to enjoy life instead, that's the secret to happiness.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

F*ck, Date, Marry, Kill?

Despite the gruesome title of this post, the question is valid. How do you decide what you want from a girl? How do you decide if she is one night stand material, dating material, marriage material, or jail bait?

Simple: you make your decision based on how she makes you feel.

Guys try so hard not to react to women, to be alpha, to be like a mountain. No one wants to sleep with a mountain. React to women! When you see an attractive girl, your wanting her is a reaction. When you see an unattractive girl, your not wanting her is also a reaction.

But reacting to girls not only based on their looks but on the way you interact with them, you'll get the girls that make you feel good and turn you on. You'll also avoid the girls that make you feel bad and turn you off.

If you feel awkward or angry around her all the time, then chances are she's not the one. If you feel confident and sexy around her, go get her, tiger.

Alpha is owning your reactions, not avoiding them. What you choose to do with your reactions, your emotions, is what separates the men from the boys.

Choosing to show interest "too soon" only means you chose to show interest before you were actually interested, not that you showed interest before she was ready to accept your interest. Her acceptance of it has nothing to do with your desire before you reveal said desire. However, her reaction to your wanting her does have a lot to do with your following reaction. If she treats you like a dog or a punk after you make it known you want her, avoid her. Attraction is a two-way street.

In short, showing interest is like walking onto a car lot. It doesn't mean you're ready to buy the car you want at any price. It only means you're looking, trying to find out more. If the salesman doesn't present good terms, you can still walk away. It's the same with girls. Showing interest is not the same as signing a check.

Show interest freely. React freely. Commit sparingly. Commit only if it feels right. Commit only if she makes you feel good about who you are.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

One Night Stands

One Night Stands or ONS as the community likes to call them, is the ultimate measure of how skillful you are with women. The more one night stands you have, the more game you have. Bullshit.

One night stands are the easiest of all types of sexual relationships to form. And sleeping with many women only once is no measure of how great you are, but how lame you are.

Don't get me wrong. When I was single, one night stands certainly fun and helped build my confidence. But think about it. You're with a woman once. She doesn't call you back. You don't call her back. It's because neither of you has any interest in each other beyond just sex. And you wonder why you're still looking up skills to better "connect" with women on a social and emotional level. It's because you equate sex with that connection.

They're separate things. And the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with you again is a big clue to that.

Here's why one night stands suck. It's pouring. Or it's Christmas. And you're all alone in your apartment or dorm. All your friends are out of town visiting family. Or maybe they're out having fun while you're stuck at your place working to meet an early morning deadline. Regardless, you're trapped at your place and can't leave. Can you call up a girl get her to come over right then for a little stress relief? Even if it's just phone sex or a back massage?

Random hook ups sound good on paper. One night stands sound good on paper. But when it comes down to it, sometimes you just want to cuddle. Sometimes you just want someone who gets you and will hold you. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you less of a man. Leonidas can attest to that.

And you can't get that by posing and pretending to be someone you're not. You can't show her an illusion and expect her to fall in like with the real you.

Quit pretending to be alpha. Quit preparing for that "ultimate relationship" by seeking out one night stands. In weight lifting they say you don't build your chest by doing bicep curls. In relationship training, you don't get relationship experience by avoiding it. Everyone has sexual needs, even temporary. And there's nothing wrong with seeking out one night stands for that reason.

But don't kid yourself. It's no holy grail or measure of your success as a ladies man. To that end, neither is having one girlfriend or several girlfriends. The only measure is that enough women are interested in the real you. How much is enough? You decide that. But one is usually enough. Imagine 3-4 girls calling you every day. Again, sounds good on paper. And a boost to your ego, no doubt. But when you factor in all the other things going on in your life, all the other relationships you have to balance with that, along with the relationship with yourself through alone time, one is sometimes more than you can handle. Three to four would be torture.

But to get that one, you have to be the real you while avoiding girls who aren't interested in that. It's better to be single than with the wrong girl(s).

The steps are simple:

1) live your life.

2) have normal conversations with the girls who you are attracted to.

3) make a move on the girls who turn you on and you have fun with.

You won't be able to know everything about someone in the first meeting. Quit trying to share all of yourself with others and trying to get to know everything about someone else in that first or second meeting. Some couples get divorced after 40 years together. It took them that long to find out they were wrong for each other. Maybe they were stubborn and intentfully blind. But more likely, all relationships are transient things with their own lifetimes. When relationships stop being rewarding, get out of it. When relationships make you question yourself, whether they be relationships of 10 years or 10 minutes, leave.

In other words, quit trying to make whores into housewives and quit trying to turn housewives into whores. Not all girls want or will have one night stands, and not all girls want or will have one night stands with you.

To use one night stands or relationships as a measure of your "game" is to objectify women, to turn them into machines whose buttons you just have to push. And failure to get what you want out of them means you have no game when the reality is, game is why you're not with the women you want to be with. Game is why you keep questioning yourself.

Game is the enemy of good, healthy relationships with women -- even if having a good, healthy relationship with her means that she is not in your life.

This post started out against one night stands and ends with a warning - don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. But they come from the same place. Only seek out things that meet your needs and desires. If you have a desire for social and emotional connection, a one night stand is the worst place to get that. Then again, so is an abusive long term relationship.

Only go after what fulfills your needs and desires and fuck the rest.