saying "i love you" to my girlfriend for the first time was scary for me. i'd known for a while i'd loved her, but i was too scared to say it. i did not want our relationship to change. did i want to be romantic or a matter-of-fact? did i want to say it after sex or as soon as i saw her? should i say it when she's in a bad mood or in a good mood?
never did i once worry about how she'd react. it's true, she could have felt differently than me. but i was more worried about whether i truly loved her and or whether i just wanted to say it. my biggest worry was that she'd say it before me. in my mind, if she did, she'd be setting the tone of our relationship. and while i'm comfortable with her doing things for and to me, there was a part of me that demanded i stay in control of my destiny. i did not feel i could do that if she said it first.
yet if i truly loved her, it didn't matter who said it first. what she did would not change the fact that i am always in control of me. but if i didn't love her and was just attempting to maintain control, then my saying it would be a lie to myself and her.
so what did i do?
i told myself to forget it. while i did think about her alot when i was apart from her, leading me to believe i loved her, while with her, i never felt the need to say so. it's not because i didn't love her, it's because i was having too much fun to process my feelings for her. spending time with her is like spending time watching my favorite TV show - mindless. i don't mean that in a bad way. it's just means that i do not think about what's going on inside me when i'm with her. i just be. i go with the flow.
i figured if i truly loved her, the right time would present itself. i decided not to think about how to say it, i'd just say it when it felt right.
when we saw each other again, we fell into our groove and i forgot all about my worries. then we were horsing around, wrestling naked. i pinned her, looked deep into her eyes and mouthed the three magic words. she mouthed "i know" and kissed me. then she pulled my hair and did a reversal, pinning me on my back. by this point i'd forgotten about it and we wrestled some more and had some of the best sex of my life.
as we cuddled, she told me she loved me too. i said, "you said it first. you lose." she punched me in the arm and we did it again.