Thursday, December 31, 2009
Here's how to get yours.
Find a girl who is by herself, single or not (what kind of douche boyfriend isn't by his girl at countdown anyway?). When the countdown ends grab her by the waist and pull her in to you, facing you. She'll be startled. Good. Look at her in the eyes for exactly 1.2 seconds. It should be like you've not eaten in a month and you just spotted a tasty hambgurger with boobs. It's all animal instinct at this point. Then put your lips to hers. Done.
It also works if you do it when the countdown begins and you look in each others eyes as you countdown to the New Year. In fact, it's much more powerful because you're making your intentions known while giving her the chance (a ten second-chance) to push you away while showing how committed you are to kissing her (don't blink, figuratively speaking) - and having her kiss you.
Whereas the end of the countdown pull says you want to kiss, the start of the countdown pull says you want to kiss her. And that kiss is far, far, more passionate.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
never did i once worry about how she'd react. it's true, she could have felt differently than me. but i was more worried about whether i truly loved her and or whether i just wanted to say it. my biggest worry was that she'd say it before me. in my mind, if she did, she'd be setting the tone of our relationship. and while i'm comfortable with her doing things for and to me, there was a part of me that demanded i stay in control of my destiny. i did not feel i could do that if she said it first.
yet if i truly loved her, it didn't matter who said it first. what she did would not change the fact that i am always in control of me. but if i didn't love her and was just attempting to maintain control, then my saying it would be a lie to myself and her.
so what did i do?
i told myself to forget it. while i did think about her alot when i was apart from her, leading me to believe i loved her, while with her, i never felt the need to say so. it's not because i didn't love her, it's because i was having too much fun to process my feelings for her. spending time with her is like spending time watching my favorite TV show - mindless. i don't mean that in a bad way. it's just means that i do not think about what's going on inside me when i'm with her. i just be. i go with the flow.
i figured if i truly loved her, the right time would present itself. i decided not to think about how to say it, i'd just say it when it felt right.
when we saw each other again, we fell into our groove and i forgot all about my worries. then we were horsing around, wrestling naked. i pinned her, looked deep into her eyes and mouthed the three magic words. she mouthed "i know" and kissed me. then she pulled my hair and did a reversal, pinning me on my back. by this point i'd forgotten about it and we wrestled some more and had some of the best sex of my life.
as we cuddled, she told me she loved me too. i said, "you said it first. you lose." she punched me in the arm and we did it again.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
If they last option is true, it means even the hottest girl is unattractive at times. And if you can't get past the fact that she is hot to see it, you have no hope in seeing her as human. But if you do see her as human and are able to see her flaws, you understand she is no better or worse than you (because all humans are equal) and what matters is finding out whether she is compatible with you as a person and not an accessory (because humans are not accessories), rendering game unneccesary (you don't run game to make friends, do you?).
But if you consider humans always attractive, then you have to consider yourself as always attractive as well, and game is therefore unneccessary.
Yet if you consider humans as always unattractive, then game is not necessary because why would you try to be with someone you consider unattractive?
When you start seeing women as people whose company is either enjoyable or not both inside and outside the bedroom, your fortunes with them will improve dramatically.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
one, we've all seen those 80s movies that call people on their bad behavior for doing just that. two, and perhaps most importantly, that belief is loaded with hypocrisy. people that present such ideas also usually suggest that you not change what interests you. so if you are a comic-book nerd or into star trek, you simply own it and be enthusiastic about it, and others will be too.
the hypocrisy lies in the suggestion you cave in to people's perceptions about the people you hang out with but not in the hobbies you pursue.
now, people might judge you based on the friends you have. and if you crave the approval of others, do what you can to get it, including dumping loyal friends simply because you think it will help you gain popularity.
but you have to ask yourself whose approval you are gaining by doing dumping your friends. are they as loyal and entertaining as your current friends? do you enjoy yourself more in their company? if so, those are good reasons to upgrade friends.
but if you enjoy a person's company regardless of how they are perceived by others, there is no reason to ditch them just to become popular. you can still make more friends without losing your old ones.
the things you do and the people you surround yourself with have to be there because you genuinely enjoy doing such things and those people's company. if you don't, stop doing them and stop seeing them immediately. being a man isn't about how others perceive you but rather about how you feel about the things and people that surround you. and a man surrounds himself by those things and people he loves, regardless of how outsiders judge him for it.
be a man.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
first things first - your age, race, religion, income, living situation, height, weight, and clothing do not matter. i do not want to hear any excuses involving any of the above criteria. nor do i want to hear any excuses involving any other circumstances.
second of all, the only thing stopping you from being a virgin is yourself. the only reasons you are still a virgin is because you are waiting till marriage, a girlfriend, or you are simply a coward.
and in the cases where you are still waiting for marriage or a girlfriend, you are a virgin not because of lack of opportunity. you've simply turned down girls in order to stay true to your moral code. that means you will most likely have had oral sex and other forms of foreplay, stopping at intercourse and severly disappointing your girl(s). if this is you, you are not wondering how to get laid.
therefore, if you are reading this and wondering how to get laid, you are a coward or simply incredibly young.
now that that is out of the way, here is how to get laid - stop worrying about it. enjoy the pursuit of sex and let go of the disappointment associated with failure. the way you do this is by understanding that you can still masturbate and get off. it's that simple. if she doesn't get you off, you still have other options. such as masturbation. this does not mean you eliminate the disappointment associated with failure, it just means you have ways of dealing with it and understand life goes on and that there will be other opportunities to get laid.
next, live your life. there is more to life than sex. you have friends, family, work, school, ambitions, and other desires that need tending to. tend to them.
then, talk to the girls you find attractive. this does not mean avoid the girls you find unattractive. that is your decision. but you cannot have sex with anyone you refuse to interact with. the conversation need not be special. it can be boring. it can be entertaining. it can be just a few words. it can stretch out for months. it is what it is.
lastly, make a move*. you have to express your interest in her sexually both verbally and nonverbally. sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately. but you have to express that interest in her for her to understand your desires. if she has similar desires for you, she will return the interest by not leaving. if she does not, she will leave. the point of making a move on her is to get her to express her interest. there is no winning her over. there is only freeing her to act on her desires, positive or negative. and that is the best you can do.
verbally speaking, making a move can constitute asking her out, telling her she's cute, to saying she's turning you on.
nonverbally, making a move can constitute looking at her while imagining kissing her naked belly, caressing the inside of her palm with your index finger, or going in for a kiss.
the above lists are not complete as you can add your own moves to the mix such as putting an arm around her waist or placing your hand on the inside of her thigh. it can also include insinuating sexual contact between the two of you or being direct about your interest such as asking her back to your place.
but short of making a move, you will not free her to express her desires. and unless you do so, you will stay a virgin. my advice is to sack up, grow a pair, and make a move. anything else is just an excuse.
with that understanding out of the way, here is your first mission:
1. in the next week, walk up to five girls you find attractive.
2. tell her you find her attractive and want to know her name.
3. conversate for a bit, just being yourself.
4. make the move that seems appropriate no matter how well or poorly the conversation seems to be going - either ask her out, touch her leg, or try to kiss her.
5. post your results for each girl in the comments section or email them to me.
failure to do this means it is your fault. success in seeing this through to the end regardless of how she reacts means it is her fault and that she has no place on your team. sex is a team sport and she has to be willing and able to play along - and to play well. once you get comfortable in the process, you will be able to distinguish just who you want to make a move on from the ones you don't want to make a move on.
if you get a date, i will post the second mission, detailing just what to do on the second date.
*note - expressing your interest and following through with physical actions does not mean sex will come immediately. sometimes it does. sometimes she will need time to think about your offer. sometimes a "no" just means "not yet." and sometimes, despite everything going great, it will never happen. that's life.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I've been thinking about some suggestions for your blog. Here's one of my personal BIG hangups: my lack of sexual experience, and lack of serious relationships. I feel like i don't have a "sexual identity", because of my lack of experience with having sex with women, and having relationships. I feel a lot like i have to hide this, since that seems like the smartest thing to do. I have a feeling women and people in general can SMELL it, though. I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women). The only girls i can more or less feel completely no shyness towards, are the ones i'm not attracted to :-)
You can't exactly brag to everybody you're an almost virgin, and have only had sex with prostitutes. With me personally, this comes along with a feeling of "unworthiness in the world of having sex with beautiful women".
So, i guess my suggestion for one of your blog posts would be, how you, Dirk Manley, would handle being a virgin in his late twenties, or having a big lack of experience with women in general. I presume having read your posts, you'll say it doesn't really matter if you focus on what you want, but i'm curious what you would have to say about this subject.
Rock on dude, and thanks again for your blog posts!
admitting your problem is the first step towards fixing it. if you don't know what to fix, how can you fix it?
i too lost my virginity in my mid-twenties. so i can understand the fear that comes with not knowing how she will react and the confusion that comes from not knowing what to do.
but the solution is simple, fortunately. you even guessed correctly at my response about focusing on what you want. but there is a big difference between focusing on what you want and actually getting it. it is possible to focus on your desires and go about it in entirely complicated and unproductive ways. as a reader of my posts, you should understand i also advocate keeping it simple. tell her what you wrote here so brilliantly and seductively:
I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women).
i can't imagine any woman not wetting herself and raping you when she hears that your desire for her is so much you can't function normally. i have never advocated being cool, funny, or charming. the idea that you have to earn the right to speak your mind is not an idea i promote. you have to do no tricks to say what you said above. the rest is manning up and realizing actions speak louder than words. so even if she doesn't ravish you herself, if she doesn't run away, it's her way of saying "try me". she is giving you permission to have your way with her.
i can't tell you why you should feel worthy of women. that's something you have to figure out and decide. but i bet there are incredibly attractive women who do look at you and think you are incredibly attractive. and it's your job to find out who those women are by making the first move.
if you still find yourself unable to go after what you want, work your way up starting with women you feel comfortable around, even if they are unattractive by other's standards. all that really matters is that she turns you on. each subsequent woman should be more attractive than the last. this way you get comfortable with the process from pick up to clean up.
see my post on being a man. the responsibility to get what you want is yours. let go of the idea of being perfect, smooth, or worthy.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
what does this have to do with women?
my point is that having sex with a woman is not like rome sacking a city. it's not an invasion. it's not a competition. when you have sex with her, the team of you and her win. she enjoys it too. she wants it too. she's working with you to make it happen. she's not working against you and you have to get rid of all thoughts inside your head that tell you she's a thing to be conquered.
see, it's up to her whether she plays with you or not. and she has to be both willing and able. just because you want her doesn't mean you will get her. the question you have to ask yourself is why would you want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with you?
there are easy ways to see if a girl wants to play with you, if she wants to be on your team. you put your real personality forward. if she doesn't run away physically or mentally, she's down to play. when you flirt with her and tease her, she laughs. she wants you. when you touch her leg or waist, she goes with it. she wants you. but just because she's not running away doesn't mean she's good enough to play with you.
do you want any partner or do you want a great partner?
a chick who'd make a great partner, at least in my opinion based on my desires, would do that back to me. when i'm being real with her, she'll be real with me. when i'm flirting and teasing her, she'll flirt with and tease me. when i touch her, she'll touch me. i'm not just playing with her, she's playing back.
and even then that's not enough. her attempts at playing with me have to actually make me smile, they have to make me want to stay rather than run for the hills.
now, as a man, it's my job to trigger all this by actively doing what i'm seeking in return. i need someone whose good at assists and ally-oops. i need someone who can dunk. and as a man, it's my job to set up situations that test for this. but if she doesn't play back, it's not my fault. it's hers.
quit blaming yourself when she flakes on you or ignores you. quit trying to figure out how to get the girl. just go after her in a way that feels right to you; be simple and direct.
that will free you to have fun instead of living inside your head where your inner demons lurk. when you're not focused on methods, you're having fun, and you are able to test if she's the right one for you. you decide what you're looking for, she lets you know whether or not she fits that role.
you can't put a square peg inside a round hole.
Monday, September 21, 2009
there are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. intrinsic motivators originate from the inside of a person. it's his sense of purpose. to the outsider, it seems he does it for no reason other than for the love of it.
extrinsic motivators originate from the outside of a person. to the outsider, there are clear reasons why that person does what he does: money, fame, women, etc. he seeks out those tangible rewards for doing what he does.
however, it is important to note that just because someone does not get those tangible rewards does not mean their motivations are intrinsic and just because someone is rich, famous, and surrounded by women does not mean the reason they do what they do is extrinsic.
both van goh and picasso created masterpieces that sell for millions today, yet one died broke and without an ear and the other was one of the richest living artists. one felt unappreciated and misunderstood, selling not a single piece during his lifetime, and the other could not give two shits what others could or could not afford to pay for his work. one sought recognition from the art world, one pursued his artistic impulse.
often times, the intrinsically driven are the most financially successful in the world. both donald trump and bill gates stopped needing fame or fortune by the time they earned their first million and certainly their first hundred million. yet their love for what they did kept them going until they changed the way business was done, not to mention the landscape of technology and real estate.
and even those intrinsically-driven individuals that aren't financially successful find a great degree of happiness in knowing they are doing what they truly enjoy doing. as with the financially successful, their motivators, their rewards, their definitions and signals of success come from the way they feel inside rather than from any outside source.
it is hard to point to an example of someone who is intrinsically motivated, yet unsuccessful by society's standards. their lack of fame makes it hard for them to be recognizable. but we all know them. their lives aren't much different from our own. they live next to us, have the same job, know the same people and despite not being rich, famous, or particularly good with women (or people), seem to be happy nonetheless.
it's because they define success on their own terms. the reasons for doing what they do come from inside them rather than from "society." the natural question to ask then is "how do they define success?" simple. they define success in a way that lets them feel they can and do achieve it. it feels daunting to feel like you've gotta earn a million bucks by the time you're 30. yet it is easy to do and believe you can tie your shoelaces, pay the rent on time, or enjoy sharing a few laughs.
success is not about how much money you earn, but rather whether you accomplish your goal or not. those who are intrinsically motivated have not only very different reasons for doing what they do, they seek to do very different things.
take the men who want nothing more than to sleep with many different women. they may do just that. being extrinsically motivated is not a guarantee of failure to achieve external rewards. external rewards are quite nice.
but in the case of men who want to sleep with many different women and fail to do that, the one who is intrinsically motivated will end up being much happier. his reason for trying to sleep with them comes from the inside - his love for women and their company. his rewards are small and enough to keep him trying in the face of many obstacles. he enjoys talking and flirting with them. he enjoys touching them. he enjoys just being surrounded by them. the sex is nice if it happens. but it's fine if it doesn't. he's gotten what he wanted despite not getting his freak on.
now, the extrinsically motivated man will only judge his success by the fact that he has had sex with a woman. any failure to do so crushes his morale and sense of worth. he is unable to appreciate any joys he shared with a girl if he does not have sex with her.
i mention the word "enjoy" a lot in this post. yet "enjoy" is such an ambiguous word. i enjoy a slice of pizza and watching a movie with my girlfriend. the thought of skydiving terrifies me. you could enjoy doing something else. but our sense of enjoyment does share something in common. it comes from the doing, not the achieving.
enjoyment is about the pleasurable sensations we feel emotionally, mentally, and/or physically when doing something. they say a shark must swim or die. the intrinsically motivated do or be miserable.
despite van goh's lack of financial success, you can bet the world stopped turning for the joy he felt while painting. his desire to paint and express himself visually was intrinsically driven. why else paint and live the life of a pauper when there were surer ways to earn lots of money? why else pursue an artistic style few understood when he clearly had the ability to do something more commercially viable?
extrinsic and intrinsic motivators do not exist in a vacuum. people's reasons for doing things are often some mix of the two. it's hard to say bill gates or donald trump did what they did just for the love of the game. and its hard to say that ladies men who surround themselves with women would be happy living the life of celibacy. money certainly was and is a motivating factor, and an effective one at that. as is popularity. and sex.
but to be happy, a reason for doing must exist beyond those external factors. doing must also be done for the sake and joy of doing. if you focus so much on the end game, on the signs of success, you lose sight of the joy that can be had in the doing.
it's like having sex just to cum. cumming is amazing. but sex is awesome even without cumming. making out is awesome even if the clothes don't come off. going in for the kiss is fun even if she turns her cheek. getting high off her giggles is a moment enjoyed even if she is taken. being her friend is a blessing even without the benefits. and those who are only motivated extrinsically cannot enjoy women unless they cum.
don't be that guy. find reasons to enjoy the process. find your intrinsic motivators.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
first lets look at the word. "self-improvement". a harmless word. a great thought. since the dawn of man much of knowledge had to be passed on my teachers. while not necessarily in a formal setting like a classroom, others taught man how to do things like language through writing, how to build a fire through imitation, and more. and we soon realized a more formal system of education was better and more efficient.
but somethings just couldn't be taught in a classroom or weren't available for various reasons. so people sought to do those things for themselves. they'd seek out others who held such knowledge and became their apprentices in the hopes of learning from the best. some just did things on their own until they became really good at it through trial and error. and some of those even wrote books about it, hoping to save others the trouble they went through (and make a few bucks while at it). but the result was that people improved themselves at specific tasks. they improved their ability to make things out of wood, their knowledge of history, their ability to make science projects, or draw 50 different animals.
today, however, the self-improvement industry has lost its way, claiming if you some how improve yourself you'll be better at everything. if you improve yourself, your life will be better. but improve at doing what exactly? and how do you objectively judge the quality of a life? and therein lies the problem with the self-improvement industry and its billions of followers.
have higher self-esteem, says book one, and you'll live a better life. you'll be able to get people to treat you better simply because of your higher self-esteem. think positive, says book two, and you'll be able to do whatever you set your mind to. live in the now, claims book three, and you'll be able to enjoy whatever it is you do.
they speak in generalities. but they don't once consider that perhaps the emotional and mental strength so often seen in the successful follow actually achieving success. whereas the books of old sought to improve ones ability at a specific task, the books of today simply seek to make you feel better about not doing much.
yet there lies the irony. the self-improvement books that seek to make you feel better try to convince you that you need improvement. yet if you are confident, you don't seek out improvement. and if we follow the logic of self-improvement books, which is act as if you are already confident, then you wouldn't be reading the self-improvement books in the first place.
the self-improvement books don't provide any exercises or data with quantifiable results that show improved confidence actually improves one's ability to "be a better person", to "live a better life", or "do whatever one sets his mind to".
they don't bother with the concept of over-confidence which is believing one is capable of more than actually doing.
and that's because confidence and belief in oneself come from actually doing great things. you cannot "improve yourself". the concept is bullshit. but you can improve your ability to do certain tasks. you can improve your knowledge of world war ii. you can improve your ability to draw. you can improve your ability to speak to large crowds. and through accomplishing your goals, you can improve your image of yourself in your own mind and your belief in yourself to do said task as well as any other task you might choose to set your mind and labor to.
but that comes from having quantifiable goals. you have to have something to measure your successes (and failures) against. if you want to "improve with women" or "improve with people" figure out a realistic and measurable way to judge your success.
walking into a room and having every woman swoon at you is not realistic nor measurable (everyone swoons in their own and often unnoticeable ways). having a great conversation with everyone you talk to is not realistic nor measurable (some people are too busy or just bad with conversation themselves).
try these yardsticks of success instead:
1) you have more than one friend who you can call up to hang out with at the last minute.
2) you have more than one friend you can call for help should you ever need help (a ride to the airport, moving, bail money, alibi, etc).
for judging your success with women:
1) you have at least one woman in your life who you consider attractive and who you speak with normally on a regular basis as if she were just another one of your buddies.
2) when you ask out 10 women you find attractive, at least one will say yes.
3) when you try to kiss 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date on, at least one will kiss you back.
4) when you ask 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date with back to your place, at least one will accept, even if she expresses some hesitation at first.
these are the yardsticks i used to measure myself. i did not use how comfortable i felt doing these tasks as a measure of success. i did not use how much they laughed at my jokes more than someone elses jokes. i did not use any subjective measures of my success other than whether i found the women attractive or not and what consisted of a normal conversation.
a normal conversation for me is very different than a normal conversation for you. you might enjoy talking about video games or want to know where the bathroom is. i enjoy talking about football and want to know where the bathroom is.
in short, forget about improving yourself. focus instead on your improved ability to do the things you want to be good at. the good feelings you have for yourself come after that. have quantifiable goals you can measure your success against. a good goal will also clue you in on how to achieve it (hint: by actually trying to do it).
confidence comes from holding yourself accountable, not a book telling you that you simply need to feel good.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
one of the most famous questions asked in the community is "what would brad pitt do?" whenever faced with a situation they don't know how to handle, would be charmers ask what would the worlds arguably most desirable man do?
having a conversation with a female friend last night, i confirmed a suspicion i've had for a while now. i've stated is earlier in other forms, ie "if she stays she wants to play" and "if she likes you, you can do no wrong. but if she doesn't, you can do no right".
so my take is a little different. instead of asking "what would brad pitt do?" guys should be asking "how would she treat brad pitt?" while its normally not advisable to compare yourself to others, brad pitt or anyone else, in this instance it takes the pressure off.
lets say brad pitt tells a crude joke involving vomit, fecal matter, and rape. all at once. yeah, it's a horrible joke. would that turn the girl off him? would that send her running for the hills? maybe. but probably not. she might not laugh, she might even act disgusted, but she won't break up with him because of it.
if you're in a relationship and you are constantly wondering if you're doing right by your girl, you're doing it wrong. if you feel restricted, nervous, or unsure of yourself all the time. if she's making demands you're breaking your back to meet. unless you like that, you are with the wrong girl.
because no girl would ever do that to brad pitt. and if she did, he'd dump her and move on. what matters is how you feel around her - how she makes you feel. if she treats you any different than she would her perfect guy (brad pitt for example), then you are not her perfect guy. you are doing both of yourselves a favor by dumping her and moving on. you free her to find her mr. right and you free yourself to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.
the thicker your skin, the more you can deal with, so don't take this as an excuse to be a wuss who can't take some heat. but don't put up with more than you feel you need to. if you want to be treated better, demand it. demand it by holding yourself and her to a higher standard.
know that if she is willing to treat someone, anyone better than you, then she is capable of it. and if she is capable of it, you deserve it.
ask yourself, "how would she treat brad pitt?"
Friday, August 21, 2009
there are two ways to bring sex up with a girl: either talk about it or talk about (or do) things in a way that implies sex. both are valid. and the important thing is to do it. but one is more likely to get you laid than the other.
the first case, talking about sex, is great when you want to bring up the topic of sex. it allows you to talk about your likes and dislikes, your expectations or lack of them. and the same for her. it allows you to find out about her logistics and thoughts on the matter such as how far she's willing to go on the first night and her stance on relationships. but that does not mean she'll jump your bones because you have a conversation about sex. she might be thinking about it, maybe even thinking about sex with you, but talking about sex will not get her to make a move on you.
the second case, being sexual, puts you in a sexy mood. which will put her into a sexy mood if she's into you at all. i will not discuss here how to be sexual, as i have already done so in the past. but i will describe what usually happens when you are sexual. the vibe between you will be more flirtatious. both of you are thinking sex and sex with each other. she will most likely NOT jump your bones, but you will notice you are close enough to make a move without it being awkward. and because you are in the right state of mind, you will find it easier to make a move on her than say if you were 5 feet away and thinking about what to say next.
now, you can combine the two in anyway you like. talk about sex first, and as you get hornier, being sexual will happen naturally if you don't fight it. from there, simply say "come here" and lock lips. or if you don't like being so overt in your sexuality, invite her into your bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed, legs touching. look into her eyes and put your lips to hers. you can also be sexual and as you notice her getting more flirtatious, start talking sex. ask about her favorite positions and tell her how you'd kiss her and the other naughty things you'd do to her. paint a picture with your words. a pornographic picture.
the point is that anything works as long as you work towards creating a moment where you are both able to act on your desires. sometimes that takes words. sometimes no words are needed. but the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes, and the willingness to make a move are essential for making it happen. the desires you feel at any moment will dictate whether it's a horny dominant burning desire for fucking or something more tender and sensual like making love.
the focus, your focus, should be on creating a moment where you feel like having sex with her. it's not so much about turning her on. her greatest turn on is knowing she's turning you on. the more turned on you are, the more turned on she will be. sometimes that means talking about sex and being flirtatious instead of talking pleasantries. sometimes talking about the weather while resisting the urge to state your interest can be just what the doctor ordered. trust your instincts. do what feels right.
then it's simply a matter of letting yourself make a move. say "fuck it" out loud and pull her in close. look into her eyes and put your lips on hers.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
but the most glaring example of the effectiveness of looking good vs the effectiveness of doing good is porn vs actual sex. porn sex is nothing like real sex. actors often spend 8 to 12 hour days working on a single scene. it's uncomfortable and a pain to shoot. none of the ecstasy or pleasure of sex can be found there. but it sure as hell looks pretty.
real sex is a lot different. it's messy, it's clumsy, and it's downright ugly. the expressions on lovers' faces range from grimaces to other contortions which have no name. sweat, spit, and other fluids everywhere. the positions are nowhere near as elegant or arousing as porn to the outside observer. more often than not, it's just a hairy ass in the air.
but sex is one of the greatest physical, mental, and emotional experiences in which we can indulge in our short lives.
trying to make it look good to the outside observer leads partners to share one of the most uncomfortable experiences they can in front of a camera, real and imaginary. it looks good to others, but is painful to experience. not giving a shit what others think leads to a blissful experience some religions save only for the holiest of unions.
this applies to other areas as well. often, picking up a girl will result in the most boring conversations about each others jobs and other self-revelatory topics. outside listeners might look on in interest at first but soon stop caring when they see the man and woman getting along instead of being rejected. the conversation does not concern them, so they get bored and move on with their focus. nor is it particularly juicy or inflammatory enough for them to keep eavesdropping. those conversations are often nothing like the conversations posted on OverheardinNewYork.com. however, to the man and woman engaged in the conversation, nothing in the world matters more at that moment in time but the presence of their conversational partner.
stop caring what you look like when doing something. instead, focus on doing it well. make it an experience you and your partner enjoy rather than some third party would enjoy watching or listening into.
in other words, you'll be far more successful when you stop worrying about what others think. their opinions don't matter and often hinder you.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
What is your take on female friends? Should I be trying to sleep with them? Can men and women be just friends? Should I try to be just friends with women?
i'm not going to tell you whether or not you should sleep with your female friends. i don't even know if its possible to be just friends with women. i leave that up to people who like to argue rather than actually have relationships.
but i will say that you should absolutely make every effort to have females in your life who are just friends. hot, ugly, skinny, fat. of all shapes and sizes.
and here's why - when you go out to meet women, your goal should be to sleep with them, assuming you're looking for a relationship where sex is involved. if you go out looking for friends, don't be surprised if you end up with a girl who says "lets just be friends". she might say it anyway if you go out looking for sex, but the chances of finding what you're looking for increase when you actually look for it.
having female friends in your life will take care of that social neediness inside you that is telling you that you are not attractive, that you are not cool, that you are not funny, and that you have to become or do all those things in order to get the girl. it's bullshit.
you do not have to attract, act cool, or entertain in order to get laid. but your belief in yourself as an attractive, worthy man is essential to taking the steps necessary to get laid. and that is more likely to happen when you have a strong social network that satisfies that urge in you to "be social" and impress her with your "social skillZ". you would not have friends if you weren't worth having as a friend. and once you realize this, you are less likely to try to prove it.
think of the kung fu master who gives up fighting others because he realizes his greatest opponent is himself. he has nothing left to prove.
when you have friends, you are less likely to go out to make friends. when you have female friends, your need for having female friends decreases, and because of that, you are less likely to go out to make female friends.
instead, you will seek what you lack - female sexual relations. it's something that is both concious and subconcious. taking care of it on the concious level (making and keeping female friends) will take care of it on the subconcious level (trying to get laid when you do meet an attractive female).
having female friends will make you comfortable being yourself around women and show you that it's not what you say that keeps them in your life. having female friends will also allow you to find out the type of people (and women) you like having in your life.
the problem with guys who don't get laid is that usually they don't have a lot of friends, female or otherwise. this gets them wanting someone in their life who will stay in their life forever and ever. relationships by their nature are transient things, lasting however long you see each other regularly and ending as soon as the people involved go their own separate ways. sure, people keep in touch, but only if they've formed deep emotional (or sexual) connections during the time they spent together. deep emotional connections take a long time to form.
but sexual connections happen much quicker. by having people in your life who you share deep emotional connections with, your need to seek them out decreases. this frees you to focus on making those sexual connections.
if you want to get laid, have more female friends.
Friday, July 31, 2009
I wanted to say that I've always respected your posts, and this email is about how your posts are finally starting to make some real sense to me. For a long time in my life I was a painfully shy guy, but more recently I've started coming out of my shell. I'd say that now I'm pretty confident and enjoy where I'm at in life.
I recently took a bootcamp and it was nice because I went into it with the mentality that I'm going to try my damndest to close. And sure enough I did a decent amount of closing - some #s and some kissing.
Tonight I had a second date with 2 chicks that I met over the bootcamp. I'm really into one of the chicks but I didn't kiss her or anything when I first met her. They took time out of their busy schedule to meet with me and my buddy (who, I should mention, has never taken a bootcamp nor knows very much about JM).
Anyway, we hit up a bar, and I go to talk with the girl I like while my buddy talks to her friend. I chatted with my girl all night long while I waited for IOIs or waited for a right time to SOI her. I'm sure you can guess what happened. No sex.
Dude, tonight I finally realized that my problem isn't that I can't carry a conversation. Trust me, there was plenty of conversation with this chick - there was WAAAAY too much conversation with this chick!
Tonight I realized my problem was that I was too much of a wuss to escalate. Plain and simple. And this is what you've been saying all along in the forum as being a huge key to sex. I realized that once a girl is willing to come out and meet you it pretty much comes down to escalating, and that I was a dumbass for waiting for her to, in essence, give me permission to escalate. I was waiting for IOIs. The mere fact that she showed up was all the evidence I needed to make a move.
You know what the funny thing was about tonight? My wing, who only knows enough about JM to know that you gotta make it sexual, chatted with my "target's" friend and quickly brought the subject to sex and fun stuff like that. He was touching her like crazy. Isn't it crazy that when you boil it down he really understands JM better than I do, even thought I've read the ebook and taken the bootcamp? Hah!
Anyway, I've learned my lesson, man. I've got 2 of your Big 3 down. I'm living the life I want and I talk to the people I want to talk to. Now it's time to man up and escalate on these women. While the bootcamp taught me a thing or two about projecting the right vibe when doing a cold approach, I think that all of that is meaningless if you don't make a move.
I used to go nuts when I read your posts because I felt you'd almost always answer forum questions with answers that boiled down to "make a move on her." I craved "game" and "conversational skills" but tonight both my lack of escalation and my friend's willingness to take risks showed me that in the end that stuff won't get you the girl. I'm spending tonight alone when that didn't need to be the case.
Anyway, I've been rambling on for a while now. The bottom line is that I think you're the man for boiling down "game" to 3 simple rules and that I now have a better appreciation for the need to take risks and make a move, even in the absence of IOIs.
i highlighted what i found funny. thanks for letting me share, XXXX. i hope others learn from it what you already have.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
the third key to power is strategic. if you're an anime nerd like me, you've probably seen Full Metal Alchemist. in it, they talk about the law of equivalent exchange. that is, an exchange being only effective if the things being exchanged are of equal value. an eye for an eye, a toy for a toy, etc.
and while you can get along in the world making equal trades, it does not amass power. power is amassed in the same way wealth is, through profit. that is, in order to gain power, you must give less than you receive. equivalent exchange doesn't work for power. people have to give you more than they take from you.
why does this make you powerful? why does giving less than you receive build your power? because you don't need anything from anyone. the first key to power allows you to do for yourself. so whether others aid you or not, you will get the job done. and the second key to power allows you to place a value on what you have to offer others. when they seek assistance from you or when they assist you, it's because you have something to offer them.
it will feel like they're getting more than they paid for. if they ask for an inch, you give half an inch, but to them it will feel like you're giving a mile. that's just how much you value your half-inch.
the last key to power, then, is about realizing what you have to offer them is worth more than they have to offer you. you will get your shit done with or without them. but if they want your help, they have to be willing to pay the price for your services to get it.
the third key to power is giving less than you receive. because the little you do give is worth as much if not more than the lot that others give.
next: the door to power, because what good are the keys if you have no door to use them on?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
but how do we get others to do things for us? simple. give them what they want.
when we want milk, we buy it at a grocery store. when we want our cars fixed, we pay someone to do that. power over others is similar. you have to offer them something in return for their services. what you offer need not be financial, but more often than not, those who we idolize for being powerful use money.
so lets explore what things we can offer in return for the services of others. we can look at a movie like "The Godfather" where mob boss Don Corleone trades favors for favors. when Don Corleone wants his godson in a movie, he offers the producer some leverage in dealing with the unions. it's an application of the saying "if you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours."
of course, not everyone will want what you have to offer. what do you do then? if you're Don Corleone, you can make an offer they can't refuse. cut off the head of their prized horse. or assure them that if they don't do something, their brains will splatter when you pull the trigger.
but lets assume you're not Don Corleone. lets assume you don't want to break the law. its the way i do things.
in such cases i still take lessons from "The Godfather". should anyone ever turn down my request for a favor, i never ask them for a favor again. how does this help gain power over them, you ask. simple. i know i have a lot to offer - my friendship, my talent, my connections, my loyalty, my sense of humor, my personality, my time, me, essentially, and all that i am and can do.
and when they turn me down, they lose everything i have to offer in return. and i make sure not to give to them if they refuse me what i ask of them. if a store refused to sell me milk i wanted, not only would i not give them my money for that transaction, i would not shop there again for anything. and if i'm really ticked off, i will do what i can do reduce their business by taking more customers to my side. to get me to stop and to stay in business, that grocery store will have to acquiese to my requests. i will then have the upper hand. same principle.
power over others is gained through exchange.
the second key to power, like the first key of power, comes back to you - value what you can offer to others. one key left.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
but what is power. power is easy to recognize when we see it. a man snaps his finger, people run to serve him. he utters a word, and things get done. big things. he commands, other people do. that's power. right?
wrong. what you don't see is him signing their paycheck, or at least the paycheck he signs of the guy he pays to sign everyone elses' paychecks.
power is not about controlling others. it's not about power over others because when all is said and done, we honestly have very little power over others, even the guy who issues orders. no one will do anything for you for nothing. but we do have lots of power over ourselves. because we will work for ourselves for nothing. we tie our own shoelaces. we wipe our own asses. we walk ourselves to work if our car won't start and we're late for the bus. all for free.
see, there is only one kind of power and that is the power to get things done. and it doesn't matter if you do it yourself, command one or two others, or an entire army; if you don't get things done, you have no power.
but if you can get things done, all by yourself, you have more power than all the ceos and dictators in the world.
the first key to power is power over oneself. more keys to come.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
and while all of the above are certainly valid reasons to lift weights and work out, the real reason you should work out, why you should lift weights, is that the women at the gym are likely to have benefitted the same pluses. the women at the gym are likely to be more confident, more outgoing, more aggressive, more energetic, better in bed, and closer resemble the idealized media image of a woman. especially if they lift weights, but sticking to the treadmill is just as good for them.
if you want better women, you have to change where you look. know what you want from a woman, figure out the likeliest place to find someone who matches that description, and go there to look for her.
but here's the kicker.
if you want someone whose truly compatible with you, you won't have to go anywhere special. you won't have to figure out where to meet girls. you just have to be active about pursuing your interests, your hobbies, your daily life. and whatever women you happen to meet in the course of doing so are likely to be your best bet.
the only question you have to answer then is, "am i attracted to them?" because you'll already be the man they are attracted to. so you have to find selfish reasons for doing what you do. reasons that benefit you even if other people turn their backs on you for doing so. reasons even for going to the gym.
you cannot live your life for others. only yourself.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Your posts always help me out. I have always liked the no nonsense, simple, and non-mystical way you have of seeing things. Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that there's this new co-worker at work, and she's hot. I mean super-fucking hot. And she's into me. And I like her. Not like I wanna marry her or anything. It's just that it's fun flirting with her (and she gets my dick hard). The problem is that she's 18. My experience with 18 year olds haven't been good. It's not that we don't get along; it's just that, well, the sex sucks.
I've fucked girls ranging from 18 to 40. With girls who are one night stands, the sex was guaranteed to be good if they were 30 or older. But if they were 22 or younger, the sex depended on their maturity level and sexual experience. I've even found that girls with more sexual experience than me but younger than 22 were still passive in bed. Unless we fucked more than a couple of times, but by that point, their personalities started to wear thin on me. And my policy is that I shouldn't have to put up with lame people for good sex when I can meet girls with great personalities who are good in bed and hot. It's one thing if she's a one night stand, but another if I'm going to be fucking her multiple times. And sometimes you just know from the minute you start talking.
However, I still want to fuck my 18 year old co-worker. What should I do?
Fuck her. Seriously. If she's legal and it's consensual, fuck her.
The fact that she's able to get you hard means there's something in you that isn't satisfied with the idea that sex with younger girls is bad. When I see an 18 year old girl, I'm immediately reminded of my mediocre sexual experiences. And that makes it hard for me to get hard. I have to want to have sex with a girl in order to have sex with her. Even if I wasn't in a committed relationship right now, I'd stay away from 18 year olds.
I know it sounds wrong and bigoted, but you have the right to be discriminating when it comes to your sex life. If you don't like shy girls, rude girls, overweight girls or whatever else type you consider a deal breaker, you don't sleep with them. And it's the same with age. There's nothing wrong with discriminating based on age. Does that mean all 18 year olds are bad in bed? No. Just like some overweight, shy, or bitchy girls are sexy in their own way. But discriminating factors provide a shorthand that allows you to make quick judgments about who you'll try to sleep with and who you won't because your time is valuable to yourself if not anyone else.
However my answer is the same--fuck her. The fact that you are seriously considering fucking her, fuck her. Fuck all the 18 year old girls it takes to get them out of your system. Always trust your instincts. If she makes your dick hard, fuck her.
When you finally get sick of 18 year olds and truly believe them to be bad in bed, they won't be able to turn you on unless they start acting in ways that turn you on. You need to get in there, roll your sleeves up, and figure out what it truly is that turns you on in a woman besides her looks and the fact that she flirts back.
If that's all it takes, there's nothing wrong with that. But at least you'll know for sure what it takes. And that makes it easier to find what you want.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
So what exactly is the zone and how do you get in it?
The zone is a place where you just seem on. It's like focus, but everything seems to be going your way. The wind is behind your back and nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do. Not only that, nothing seems to be in your way. You anticipate your opponent's moves 2-3 steps ahead. Distractions are a blur.
Or so the theory goes.
I disagree. As a writer, I find I do my best writing when I get in the zone. Unfortunately, some days are hard. Very hard. I'll sit staring at a blank screen and everything I put on to the page stinks. I'll erase and criticize and second guess myself.
But that's the very key to the zone. Because being in the zone is the opposite of being out of the zone.
When I'm out of the zone, I'm negative. I'm focusing on why what I write stinks. I focus on what's wrong with my writing. When I'm in the zone, it's not that my writing is perfect. It's filled with grammatical and spelling errors. Some ideas just stink. But I save that for the editing phase.
As I mentioned earlier, being in the zone is about focus. It's a highly specialized kind of focus. Think of it like Henry Ford's assembly line. Each worker had only one job. And he did that repeatedly. It was almost a zen-like experience. That worker eventually got so good at that job, he could do it with his eyes closed. That's being in the zone. Imagine if not only that worker had to worry about bolting each door to the chassis, but had to worry about welding the chassis in the first place as well as building the engine and the rest of that car too. And then on top of it, had to figure out what he did wrong, assuming the further responsibilities of Quality Control. All at the same time.
It's not that he could not do it or would do a bad job. He just would not be very efficient at his job. And it would be a very stressful and frustrating experience.
Being in the zone means focusing on the task at hand. Worry about Quality Control later. Instead, do what needs to be done. When I'm in the zone writing, I don't worry if my work is good or bad, if the words are spelt right (I intentionally left this mistake in) or if I have commas in the right places. That's Quality Control's job. And while I also do Quality Control on my own writing, I save it till I'm actually done writing. Instead, I focus on getting out the ideas in my head, spelling mistakes, bad grammar and punctuation, and lame ideas as well. When I'm writing, there are no bad ideas. They're all good. Great even. Being in the zone is about positivity and a sense of superiority and trust. Positive that everything I write is good, that my judgment and what I put out is superior to all ideas I've had in the past and will have in the future, and trust that what I'm putting out now is the best I can do.
Then I go back and separate the good from the bad later.
Here's the cool thing about being my own quality control. It forces me to learn from my mistakes. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. And I'm able to look back over my own work and see what I like and what I don't. This sticks with me. It influences me over time, teaching me good grammar and spelling so I make fewer mistakes in the future. This allows me to focus on the ideas instead of the language or medium.
This does not mean I don't make mistakes. It just means mistakes don't slow me down. I'm so focused on the idea and not worried about how well I'm getting the idea across because I know when it comes to Quality Control, editing, or whatever you want to call it, I can handle my mistakes.
The key to being in the zone then is not avoiding mistakes or being 2-3 steps ahead of your "opponent" but to simply not let them hinder you instead. Contrary to the popular belief that in the zone there are no mistakes, it's a state of mind that comes from experience and confidence in your ability to handle any problems that come your way. It only seems like there are no obstacles, that there are no mistakes, because the part of your mind that's responsible for dealing with them is turned off.
The next time you find yourself struggling, ask yourself what are you worried about that is Quality Control's responsibility. Then wave bye-bye to it as you shut that portion of your brain off.
Being in the zone isn't about being on. It's about shutting off everything that's inessential.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
as batman's dad said, we fall "so we can learn to pick ourselves up." but resilience is not the point of this post. it's about something more fundamental. as i pointed out earlier, when rejection happens, it has an emotional effect on us.
but when we look at exactly what emotions are, one thing becomes very clear, they have a lot in common. anger and sexual arousal have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies. so do fear, nervousness, and excitement.
the thing that differentiates the emotions is how our brains interpret what our body is going through based on the context and situation we experience those physiological responses in.
and because we interpret and label our physiological responses, we choose what emotions we feel. a man imposes his will, even on his feelings.
consider the following situation: you're at a bar and see a cute, but drunk girl by herself. you think to yourself, "easy pickings" and proceed to walk on over. when you get there, she pushes you back and says she's a lesbian--before you even utter a word.
how do you react?
1) offended that she (correctly) assumed you were trying to hit on her,
2) guilty and apologetic, as if you were doing something wrong and need to smooth things over with her for some unexplained reason, or
3) laugh because, hey, it is funny.
if you're like me, you've probably done the first two.
do you remember what happened when your first two reactions were in play? that's right. if you acted apologetic, she smelled blood and went straight for your jugular, unless you were smart enough to run away. but that didn't leave you feeling like much of a man. so maybe the next time you were offended and tried to tell her off. and what exactly did that accomplish? assuming she wasn't a violent drunk and it didn't escalate the situation to where the bouncer kicks you out, her friends came in and put some distance between you two, leaving you with lots of pent up anger, preventing you from enjoying the rest of your night.
having reacted the first two ways i know both ruin my night. and i've seen my friends react that exact same way to rejections that weren't even their own to know it ruins my night and their own. now, anger and guilt do come in handy at times when intimidation and forgiveness are necessary. but if you can solve a situation without getting your own blood boiling or stomach knotting, why not choose that different way?
here's how i react to that situation above: instead of anger, i feel sexual arousal. feistiness turns me on. instead of guilt, i laugh. if i'm that obvious, there's no point hiding it. maybe she'll let me watch. i do come with my own strap on.
how you feel in any situation will affect how you deal with any situation. if you feel good about it, you are more likely to do something. if you feel nervousness or fear, chances are you won't.
and while i propose courage is the best way to deal with fear, sometimes the best way is to simply choose not to be scared.
i'm not saying this will change anything. she might still continue being a bitch. this isn't about winning her over. you can't win her over. if she was into you, she wouldn't have been rude in the first place. but this is about not letting her bring you down. misery loves company and she'll stop at nothing to get you on her team.
think of the last time a chick was rude to you. what ways could you have turned that moment into an opportunity to shine? how could you have used her negativity to show your wit or sexuality? or both.
remember to do that the next time something similar happens. and if things still go nowhere, remember, at least you fell laughing.
Friday, July 3, 2009
the thing is, it is not that hard. it's quite easy, in fact. it's in our genes. we just gotta sack up and go through the motions.
so what are the motions?
wait for it...
first lets consider what it is that makes you horny, what turns you on. i'm not talking about watching porn, but hey, that's certainly valid. i'm talking about in real life when interacting with a real person. is it her voice? the way she smells? how she touches and looks at you? maybe she's just standing really close to you? or do you need something more, like her grabbing your junk and watching porn?
know what it is that turns you on. then do that to her. that's it. give what you want to get.
when you're friendly, people are friendly with you. if you're an asshole, people are jerks to you. it's no secret. people are mirrors. if you keep wondering why girls keep telling you "lets just be friends" consider what you are doing, or rather, not doing. you keep sending the message, "i'm friendly." well, that's why genius. she's not looking for friends. if you're not getting what you want, change what you are giving.
and if you're not quite sure what it is that turns you on, read a romance novel or some women's sexual fantasies. lay off the porn. porn doesn't work your imagination like writing does. writing puts you in the story. porn doesn't.
there's no need to be an asshole or a cool guy. just give what you want to get. if it's sex, figure out what turns you on. then do that to her.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
but as a man, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want because no one is going to give it to you. after being honest with yourself, you have to go for it as directly and simply as possible. you have to take it. if you want food, you go to the fridge, restaurant, or supermarket--depending on what you want. obstacles might arise. obstacles such as walking, driving, or paying. you address those obstacles and you go for what you want--food.
with women, it is exactly the same. if you want sex and only sex, start by being honest with the girl. that doesn't mean saying "i'm only interested in fucking you." that's retarded--however retarded does work. but my point is don't set up a dinner date where you'll need conversation. instead, do drinks and dancing at a local club. maybe go to the park and lie in each other's arms under a tree. and if you do dinner and end up seated at opposite ends and conversation is a must, forget the life stories. focus on flirting and making things sexual.
why? because you don't care about anything else but the sex anyway. so why waste time? if she's into it, she'll go with it. if she's not, she won't. quit fearing rejection.
instead, as a friend of mine said, seek out rejection. it makes clear what obstacles and objections stand in your way. some cannot be overcome. some can. but now you know the path you must take.
if you want only sex or sex before anything else, seek out sex as directly and simply as possible. be sexual. look at her sensually. stand close. touch her. caress her. smell her. take in her body using all five of your senses. watch how she comes alive. either she will force you away or draw you in further.
if you want a girlfriend, do the dinner thing, get to know her, find out if she's right for you. then get sexual.
but here is where this rule breaks down and acts funky. because as the same friend said, sex is the reward we give girls. that is, everything girls do is in order to get sex. and more often than not, it is better to get sexual with a girl before getting to know her. it can often be impossible to truly know her until after you have had sex with her because she won't let you in until her needs are satisfied.
the obstacle that stands in your way of getting a girlfriend is her desire for sex which is stronger than her desire for a relationship or even finding a decent guy. as a woman, she doesn't have to be direct about what she wants. she just has to say yes or no to anything or anyone that stands before her because as a woman, things will present themselves to her. guys with and without balls will ask her out. she doesn't have to worry about food or entertainment because they'll take her out to dinner and a movie. and that's fantastic for her.
but as a man, you do not have such luxuries. and in your direct pursuit of finding the right girl, you will have to sleep with many women before you find her. in my opinion, that's not a bad thing at all.
go for what you really want as directly and as simply as possible. go for sex.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
So what is it that separates the men from the males? To me, it's about ambition, will, and responsibility.
Ambition is desire. A desire for more than he has and more than he can probably get in his lifetime. But that doesn't stop him from wanting. To live a life without ambition is to simply survive. There is a reason men were and are the driving and dominant force in society. They set up governments and infrastructure, build buildings, and dominate the tops of most careers, even the "feminine" ones like cooking. And when women succeed in these areas, they do so by adopting behaviors and mindsets associated with men. Margaret Tatcher, Janet Reno, Judge Judy. All very masculine women in looks and attitudes.
But ambition without the will to see it through is nothing more than a dream. All humans are dreamers. But men make their dreams reality with the sheer force of their will. Will is doing what it takes to get the job done. It's not about following any set path. The set path might have new perils. A man will overcome those perils or forge a new path he is better capable of travelling. When he lacks the money to finance his dreams, he'll get a loan, a job, or whatever else he thinks necessary to get the job done, even robbing a bank. When he lacks people, he'll pay them, charm them, and promise them all the riches in the world just to get them on his side. Nothing stands in his way for long. Contrast this with the boy who falls off his bike and runs crying to mommy. He is not a man. Contrast the man with the girl who breaks a nail and complains about it all day. She is not a man. A man will not look for reasons to stop trying. A man will keep trying even when everything is telling him to stop.
But without responsibility, ambition and will mean nothing. Let's face it. Life is not perfect. And neither are we. We all make mistakes. And responsibility means acknowledging your role in that mistake and accepting it. What good is will and ambition if you refuse to recognize with who and where the problem lies? A man is able to look at a situation and assess where the blame lies objectively, even if that means blaming himself. Because without that assessment, without taking responsibility, he cannot move forward. Blaming others for your own place in life is a fruitless activity. It fails to acknowledge that others will rarely act in ways that are convenient to us. It prevents one from seeing the real problem and without seeing the real problem it is impossible to fix. You keep making the same mistakes until you recognize that you are doing something wrong. Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs call this step admitting you have a problem. A man accepts that in order to get what he wants, he must act rather than wait around for others to act. And a man's responsibility covers all aspects of his life, ranging from individual pursuits like career, to social pursuits like the people in his life, and even to global pursuits such as making the world a place in which he wants to live.
Notice what I left out. I left out the stuff about emotions. While others will tell you being a man is about hiding from or even embracing your emotions, those notions mean nothing here. Whether you choose to hide from your emotions or embrace them have little to do with your ambition, will, and level of responsibility. You can choose to never show emotion and still get what you want. You can also wear your emotions on your sleeve and still get what you want. But as a man, no option is off limits as you realize there is a time and a place for both. Your emotions are what they are. They can guide you. But they don't stop you. A man controls them and their display in order to reach his ambitions. Sometimes that means letting them run wild. And sometimes that means reigning them in. A man's will controls all.
I also left out the stuff about morality. A man wants what he wants. And he does what it takes to get it. But his willingness to take responsibility keeps him from doing things that will prevent him from reaching his ambitions. He recognizes stealing will land him in the state penitentiary, a place that makes it harder to get what he wants. But if he does land there, a man learns from his mistakes and doesn't let anything stop him from getting what he wants. A man's responsibility allows him to think long term and not just about passing fantasies in the moment. He commits to his wife and family, choosing not to cheat if he wants to maintain monogamous honest relationship with them. But if that is not a priority for him, he accepts it and chooses the path that best yields the results he wants. He is aware of his actions and the impact it has on the world around him. He defines his own moral code and the lines which he is not willing to cross.
So why is this attractive and especially attractive to women? It is not. Or rather, it is no more or less attractive than other women, androgynous men, sunsets, and shiny objects. What I mean is, a man doesn't focus on his own attractiveness. He does not try to get girls attracted to him because girls are attracted to anything and everything. And just because a girl desires something doesn't mean she'll go after it. If she did, she'd be a man.
Instead, a man goes after what he wants. He focuses on the object of his desire and exercises his will and responsibility in order to get her and keep her. He dominates people and circumstances in order to impose his will. A man prevails.
But a man also asks if he wants a woman he has to constantly entertain and pretend to be someone else in order to get her and keep her?
Or does he want a woman who wants him the way he is, where he is at ease with himself and does not have to try too hard in order to get her and keep her?
A man is aware of his desires and makes them real. He knows what he wants and gets it. Pursuing a woman based on her looks without regards to her personality and the way she makes him feel is a valid ambition. But so is pursuing a woman with those other intangibles like personality and how she makes him feel. He does not let the ambitions and desires of others cloud his own.
And if they do, he seeks to get clear of them, focusing on his own ambitions -- his own sexuality, his taste in women, his version of the "American Dream," and his own perfect world.
A man imposes his will. He does what he can, with what he has, wherever he is.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
but i hope that in the moment of time this blog stays up to date, you the readers will interact with me, patting me on my back, asking my advice, and even challenging my opinions.
what exactly will i be sharing here? as the title of this blog suggests, i'll be sharing my thoughts on being a man in today's world. some of the advice will relate to women, relationships, and sex. others will relate to sports, politics, life, and whatever else i feel like. it's one of the benefits of owning a blog - the freedom to decide what goes on it.
i hope you get as much out of it as i do.