Friday, January 14, 2011

RIP Dirk

On Wednesday, January 13th, Dirk was walking home from the bars after saying goodbye to friends. He was hit by a drunk driver at 1:53am. Dirk died instantly. He is survived by two loving parents and a devoted girlfriend. I don't feel right sharing this, but I know how much he loved sharing his insight and experience with guys struggling to get a grasp on this part of their life. We had a special relationship and you will be missed.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Hate mail

Well, more of a comment from GK's blog. One I didn't see till just now.

I've gotta say, I've not laughed so hard all day today. Thanks, Mark.

Wow – dirk is a huge dick and completely full of himself. He will attract low quality skanks and hos with these awesome moves. He sounds like an SNL skit. Wait, am I being punked! You got me!

Now to find my skanky ho and feed her my meat...

Work is the new Alcohol

A friend of mine recently got out of a relationship. He's hooked up with a few girls since then. But I've noticed something about him. He's become a workaholic. Not that focusing on work is a bad thing. But, he's become more withdrawn from us. He feels excluded from conversations because no one wants to hear him talk about work. As a result, he rarely hangs out with us because he feels like we've grown apart. So we don't get to spend much time together. And he has no interest in dating either, because he has nothing he wants to talk about with them. As he gets more self-sufficient, he has less to share with others.

It reminds me of the plot to the movie "Yes Man," or rather, the far better book it was based on.

And my advice for him is somewhat different. Because the work he does is important. When trying to achieve great things, there is a cost. If he was simply a paper pusher at an insurance company, I'd tell him to get out more, do some fun things on his own, just for himself. Have an adventure or two to remind him of who he is apart from everyone else.

His work requires him to work as hard as he does. Seventy hours a week is a short week. His social life won't be what it was. And his true friends will understand and be there for him when he's done. Of course, he should still come out when he can. And women love him, even when he has nothing much to say. For all those other times, he has a hand and the Internet.

But the point is that everyone has different priorities. And my #1 isn't the same as his or your #1. And that's okay.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

So You're The Quiet Type

In keeping with my shorter posts rule, here's another short one.

You're not much of a talker. What do you do to keep the conversation going?


That's it. Actually listen. Don't think of what to say. Don't think of how to relate or reward that. Just listen. It's also okay to let yourself show you are listening.

When you actually listen to someone, you keep eye contact and respond with things like "yeah," "cool," and "uh huh." It might raise other questions in your mind. You might think of a funny joke. By actually listening, you free yourself to reacting honestly, even if it's with a simple "schwing!"

On the other hand, if you pretend to listen or try to look like you're listening, you're gonna stare a hole into her head.

If she's at all interested, this works even when she's not saying anything. Just shut up and listen.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Monday, December 27, 2010

Why the Community is Wrong

Nate asks:

If you have the time or inclination I'd really love to hear how you view this whole downside of the community, the apparent decent into misogyny as it were, or any ways to snap yourself out of that negative thinking

It's been a long time since I've read any community material so anything I comment about relates back to what I saw when I entered through when I left.

However, I think any company promoting how to make yourself "more attractive" or to "get ANY girl" still suffers from the same problems.

The same problems being that women are all the same and react the same to the same things. To me, that is bullshit.

The only way a company can make you "more attractive" is by assuming all women react positively to the same things and if you hit those points, all women will react positively to you.

Likewise, the only way you can get ANY girl you want is by assuming she is a video game, and if you press the right combination of buttons, you'll get the reaction you want.

Again, bullshit. And when you read those messages like that, you realize why it is bullshit.

The easiest way to get past those messages is to try saying the same thing to every girl in the same way. When you see that different girls react differently, you realize that not all women are the same.

Knowing that different women react differently to different things, there are different ways to handle this:

1) Adapt to them. That is, if one likes the sweet sensitive type, you become the sweet sensitive type for her. If another likes you to be more aggressive, you be more aggressive around her. This is, to some degree, what the community advocates. And if you enjoy doing this, go for it. I know lots of guys who enjoy figuring a girl out and playing their cards so they get her. And they're not associated with the community in any way. But they enjoy doing it rather than hating doing it and complaining about it all the time.

2) Be yourself. That is, you tell the jokes you find funny. You pay attention to the things you find interesting. You might be aggressive. You might be a bit more coy. Some girls will dig it. Some won't. The ones that do keep close. The ones that don't stay away.

This is how I choose to be. I have no interest in women who I have to "work" for. People shouldn't have to work for each other. I don't want to make a woman work for me. It should be easy for her to want to be with me. Again, it should be easy for her to WANT to be with me. Sometimes we have to prioritize. If she has to choose between a date with me and dinner with friends she hasn't seen in a while, I totally understand if she postpones and makes a counteroffer. If she chooses to watch Survivor instead of going out with me and provides no counteroffer, I understand too and I quickly lose interest because she doesn't have enough interest in me. It's not that she's not working for me. It's that she doesn't want me enough. When you love what you do, it's not work.

It's not a truth, it's a philosophy, an opinion. And I live my life how I want to live it. It's a choice I made and make every day. The guys I know who adapt to the girls they want, that's a choice they made too. And they're accepting of that. To not make the choice, that's what's unacceptable and leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.

This is where my frustration with the community comes from. It implies you have no say in the matter. It implies the only way to get women is their way. It glorifies one type of woman over the other when in fact, what makes a person valuable to another is not who they are but rather how you relate to them. Do they laugh at your jokes - the stuff you find funny? Do you laugh at theirs? Do you feel good around them? Do they feel good around you? It doesn't matter if she's a surgeon or a brunette or some other arbitrary measure of quality.

All that matters is how you feel around her. If you feel bad around her even if on paper she's perfect, she's not quality. And if you feel great around her, even if on paper she's a ditz, then she's gold. And the best part is, you don't have to change a thing about yourself to judge how you feel around someone. You just have to value yourself enough to do something about it.

When you want money, you get a job. When you want your laces tied, you tie them. When you want a girl, you make a move. Who you make that move on and how you make it, that's all up to you. And some girls will like how you operate. And some won't.

Their reaction should only tell you if she's right for you, not whether you are attractive or ugly. Her reaction has nothing to do with your value as a person but whether she is someone who is worth your time. The community implies the opposite.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Mistakes = Lessons

Too many people try to be perfect, to do without error. But the lessons we learn best are the ones we learn only after we fuck up.

Here's an email from a reader, edited to focus on the lessons learned:

Man, I'm pretty hurt right now.

I hung out with her. I started to touch her, and as I leaned in to kiss her, she said that she really needed to tell me something. She said we should just be friends...that even though she has fun with me, she says she knows that our relationship won't go anywhere serious.

She said she trusts her instincts and can tell within a couple minutes of meeting someone whether they're someone she can seriously date. She says she trusts her instincts on this and knows who would be a good match and who wouldn't. She does not jump into bed with anyone, and she only does serious dating. This, to me, totally affirms what you've said about game being pointless and that attraction is instinctive and you have no say in it.

She said she actually wanted me to ask her on a date, using the word "date" instead of just asking her to hang out. She wondered how, after three months, I never seriously asked her out. To me, honestly, I am very open to the idea of traditional dating -- it's just that community taught me so much garbage about how you should not be direct and simply ask her on a date. It's especially damaging that the community kind of implies that girls are a bunch of whores who are not into traditional dating.

I was holding her and said "maybe it's inappropriate to blurt out, but I think that you're really hot too" She totally lit up.

When she said I'm a nice guy, I actually felt a little insulted by that and told her that I feel really insecure about being perceived as a nice guy because I don't want to be seen as a pushover. She was really surprised that I'd be concerned about being seen as a pushover and if anything she thought I was really strong willed and very self confident while still being a really sweet, nice guy. I guess I feel so defensive about being seen as a nice guy because the community taught me it's a bad thing.

These points really hit home to me and taught me that girls are not whores who shun dating -- that the girls I'm into value quality dating, and they value DIRECTNESS -- as in they literally want a guy to tell them that they want to take her out and spend some time getting to know her.

I've gotten dates with girls who are intelligent but I've fucked it up with a lot of these girls because I've taken an immature approach to dating. Maybe it's just me but I notice a lot of similarities in the girls I get dates with, so many similarities that it's just eerie almost: they usually don't go to bars, they're usually not into facebook because they value their privacy a lot, they're usually introverted but sweet and open up more over time, they're usually VERY intelligent and some are a little nerdy, they usually have some solid interests (like volunteering, reading literature, learning an instrument, etc) that makes them interesting people, they do not date loser guys who don't have interests in life and aren't intelligent, and finally, they all rejected me when I didn't appear that I would seriously date them (probably because I'd talk about how I like to drunkenly party, which does not give an accurate description of my personality to a stranger who's just getting to know me).

Like, I've been so brainwashed by the community that girls just want to get fucked and shun traditional dating that it's left me so scared to just treat a girl right and take her on some dates. Even stuff like doing "the stone" in bars, I think is detrimental because a lot of the girls that I like just are NOT into that kind of thing and prefer to be intimate behind closed doors only. But I know at heart I'm a romantic and I want to date and all that stuff.

I didn't get this girl, but I feel so much more confident about opening directly and being direct because of what she told me today (because they instinctively know whether they'll date you or not so why beat around the bush), and also that I don't want to have sex on the first couple dates because I want to really get to like a girl first -- at this point in my life the connection is really important to me.

The experience taught me that she likes the sweet, low-key, nice me, and that I shouldn't shy away from that. I feel like in the future, I will be upfront with girls with my nice-guy mannerisms.

I feel much more comfortable asking a girl out by looking her straight in the eye and sincerely saying "I like you, and honestly, I'd like to hang out with you on a date, and just hang out and get to know each other better." I will provide a direction for the kind of date that I want. I'm fully expecting that it will freak some girls out, but after tonight's talk with this girl, I know it won't freak out the kinds of girls I'm into.

It would be an acceptable price to pay to get shot down by 99 girls if 1 girl that I'm really into says yes and it ultimately leads to an awesome relationship. I can't express how much more confident I feel in doing that after talking with this girl tonight, and hopefully that's a good silver lining in all this.

Congrats dude. You know what you want. And you're willing to drop the bullshit in order to get it. That's 99% of it. The rest of it is up to the girl. As you said, it will freak some girls out, but it won't freak out the kinds of girls you are into.