Wednesday, July 28, 2010


From a reader:

I was wondering if you'd talk about what drove you early on (also what held you back), to break out of your shyness and approach women/hook up on a regular basis and what your goals were then and how they've changed, now that you've gotten experience. Thanks

Strangely, what drove me early on had nothing to do with girls. I'm a writer by trade. But what held me back was people skills, or rather, lack of them. I'd been an only child growing up, overweight, didn't wear name brand clothes, was teased mercilessly for everything from my weight, my race, to my name. Needless to say, my self esteem was very very low. However, at the same time I was keeping away from people, I studied, got good grades, pursued my passion for writing, and generally did things I enjoyed - only by myself. And yeah, I had people I hung out with and had fun with. And yeah, there were girls who hit on me, though I was oblivious at the time.

Fast forward to after college (and after I'd lost the weight), when I was still painfully shy. I had a hard time getting jobs and selling myself because I couldn't talk to people normally. While searching for tips on conversational ability, I stumbled onto the community.

It drew me in primarily because it was so specific about what to say and when. And the way I saw it, if I could talk a girl into taking her clothes off, I could nail any interview and pitch my ideas successfully. I was right, of course, but I had to find out the hard way that having routines was the worst way to go about doing either of those things.

Being a loner, I've always been self-motivated and driven. I figured if I got rich and famous, friends and women would come to me (while that's probably true, in hindsight, that's a horrible way to do it. How would you separate real friends from fair-weather friends?). When I decided to improve my people skills and get laid, I simply redirected my focus. My natural drive for success took over.

At first, yeah, I was scared to approach. I started with little exercises like keeping eye contact or saying hi to passersby. It worked great and I saw that just doing that had women winking at me and starting conversations with me. I was just too much of a pussy to keep it going.

The first time I decided to get a number, I got it. I simply nodded at what she said while doing my best to hide my boner and ultra-fast (and loud) heartbeats. Then I just asked if she'd like to go out.

Then I read some advice on what to say and do on the phone and how I should never agree to a day or time she suggests in order to keep the upper hand. So naturally, I did that and blew my shot with her. She was hot too.

I thought the reason I blew it was because I didn't know enough. Looking back, I realize it was because I was direct that I got the number (the boner and nervousness probably helped too). And I most definitely lost the date because I played games.

Some days I talked to lots of women. Some I didn't talk to any. Some days I got lots of solid numbers. Some I got lots of flakes. And some I didn't get any. Some dates were good and fun, but I was too much of a pussy to make a move. And other dates were had the worst awkward silences. And of course, amidst all the rejections, I had a shit load of successes. More than if I'd had if I tried to avoid all the bad experiences.

As my confidence and belief in myself grew, as I made friends who were good with women, and as I made friends with women, I started believing in myself and relying less and less on the "right way" of doing things and just focused on doing things the way I enjoyed it. Not every girl enjoyed my company and those who didn't, I didn't get. I didn't get every girl, but I never got every girl to begin with. So no loss there. I saw it as an acceptable price to pay for being happy with myself and the way I did things.

And the ones I did get, well, they loved the way I did things. They loved that I was introverted. They loved that I hated clubbing and was a movie snob. They loved that I was direct but inexplicably nervous at times. They liked that I wasn't always sure what to do and didn't try to hide it. And the things I tried to hide, they loved that about me too. I "got" them because they wanted me. I defined myself by the way I did things and the things I did.

Some realizations about how easy hooking up was didn't strike me until after I'd already gotten into a relationship with my current girlfriend (almost 2 years strong). That's not to say I didn't do any of this while single. I did. It's just I didn't realize what I was doing or why it worked until after I'd given up chasing pussy.

I'd (and still do) flirt with women just for the sake of flirting, knowing I wouldn't cross that line into cheating. And I also try to hook up friends of mine who are single and are too scared to approach. The theories have worked for me and my friends ballsy enough to try it, and I share them here for the world to benefit.

My goals now are simple - keep living the good life. It may or may not include marriage. It may or may not include kids. But it definitely involves sex and my girlfriend. And writing. And TV. And money. And UFC.


  1. Thanks for writing this, Dirk! I enjoyed reading about the different stages in your development and getting to know you more as a person in this article. I recognise myself in some things you write about yourself, maybe that's why i like reading your posts so much.

    Anyway, rock on! Just wanted to comment here with something, since i always find it a shame that not many people write feedback under your posts, while i believe that everyone should read what you write here. Maybe we should all start the Dirk Manley fangroup :-D

    All the best & take care man!


  2. How much or how long do you have to talk to a new woman to get her number and get her to meet up with you. Sometimes, I may see a great looking girl but only have 1 or 2 minutes.

  3. It takes however long it takes for her to want to give it to you.

    I've had girls walk up to me and give me their numbers out of the blue - girls I'd never met before.

    It's nothing I did. She found me attractive, and she was the outgoing type, the type that wasn't afraid to make such a move.

    Other girls I talked to for hours only to get a flaky myspace.

    It's why I advocate going for the close as soon as possible.

    For you, because of your time constraints, I'd say it should be the first or second thing out of your mouth.


  4. "They loved that I was introverted. They loved that I hated clubbing and was a movie snob."

    Alright then. If that's not a call to arms for a first movie post by you, then I don't know what is.

    Oh and by the way. When I went into my missing in action period of about four years of being a recluse and not getting laid, I went for booze, food, and.....movies. I rented or downloaded every classic, or cult film I could find. Tron and Super Troopers are practically the last on my list of movie-to-see curiosities. Hollywood Videos and Block Busters started closing down, not because of Netflix, but because I ran out of things I was interested in watching!

    You said you started picking up girls at the video rental place you hung out at. Why am I thinking of Randal in the movie Clerks? :))

  5. Super Troopers, Beerfest, and their new one, The Slammin' Salmon are all gold.

    Haven't seen Tron nor have I been curious too.

    And I like to think there's a little Randal in all of us. Or there would be if it was up to him.