Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I'm curious about your thoughts on beautiful women. What type of beauty you look for. Do you look for a certain level of beauty? How does her personality factor in? Have you ever felt pressure from friends or family, to hook up with a certain kind of women, or level of beauty.

I also remember hearing from a couple former CA instructors that while beautiful women were attainable, they were often a pain in the ass. I've also heard that some beautiful women have low self-esteem. I can also hear you say "They're normal people, like anyone else". :))

They are normal people like anyone else. Some have baggage. Some are a pain in the ass. Some I don't click with, despite being great human beings. And some I get along with despite being bitches to everyone else.

Do I look for a certain level of beauty? Yes. I have to be physically attracted. And yes, there are levels of hotness. So the scale of 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s is accurate to some degree. But the scale itself is subjective. A 7 on my scale might be an 8 or a 9 on someone elses scale, and vice versa. So what someone else considers hot has no bearing on me, and what I consider hot has no bearing on someone else's scale.

Lastly, as I got better with women, I felt no pressure from others to hook up with what they considered 8s, 9s or 10s. That's because I got better with women because I became more sure of what I liked and what I wanted. They go hand in hand - getting what you want and knowing what you want. Outside pressure had little sway on me because I was confident, and confidence got me what I wanted.

Also, I was well aware that beauty fades and that everyone gets bored of sameness. Meaning, no matter how hot the girl, someone somewhere was sick of her. So constantly looking for someone hotter was a waste of time. You have to learn to be happy with what you have.

That's not to say I dated girls who are hideous and learned to like them. Sure, I had drunken hookups to that effect. But, and maybe I was luckier than most, I've dated girls who ranged the whole spectrum of beauty, from the Kiera Knightleys to the Scarlett Johanssons. Some were part time models and struggling actresses some where amateur athletes, some were just hot assistants and store clerks or accountants.

But you can't judge girls through another persons eyes. Being self confident means using your own eyes and your own scale. We all value somethings more than others.

I've heard lots of guys say they'd rather date a 7 with self-confidence than a 10 with none. But I've also heard guys say they only care about looks. And some refuse to settle unless they find a 10 they click with and love and who loves them back. And all points of view are valid.

You have to decide for yourself what you want and what you will settle for. If she makes you happy, quit letting what others think get to you.

What others think may be what's holding you back from taking action and getting what you want in the first place.

After all, it wouldn't be called taking a risk if every thing went your way.


  1. "What others think may be what's holding you back from taking action and getting what you want in the first place."

    I think it's fear of rejection, or fear of being disapproved of.

    My job is to register patients in an emergency room. I've done the job for eight years and only recently have felt more comfortable about it.

    I notice every once in awhile, someone will decline to answer one of my demographics questions (What's your religion? Where were you born? etc.) and I'd actually get butt hurt that they wouldn't answer my questions.

    Reminds me of the feeling, of my fear of being rejected by a woman.

    Hell, another comparison at my job is collecting insurance copays. I used to fear asking people for money (Boo hoo, they wont like me, because I'm asking them for money at the ER.). Eventually our collection totals went into our performance reviews and I had to ask more, or get written up.

    I started asking for copays and eventually my fear of disapproval surrounding it, dramatically subsided.

    Now I hardly care. "You have a copay are you able to pay it today?" Hell, sometimes I just say they have a copay and look expectantly at them, until they get the hint I want their money.

    Unfortunately I don't have a boss motivating me to approach women I'm interested in, like these copay collections.

    This evening I went to the mall to approach women and ended up approaching no one. I just psyched myself out, with thoughts of "I'm here to pick up chicks and that's odd, or wrong". I didn't calm down until I was thirty minutes in, to watching Inception again, at the malls movie theater.

    I appreciate your last two blog posts, in response to my recent queries. I've come to a new era. I used to never approach and constantly wait for that one last CA forum post, that was going to magically explain all my fears away and make me indestructible.

    Now I've turned inwards. I'm journaling more. Thinking about my history and what I want. What I did, or didn't do in the past and why. Mental masturbation I guess.

    I recently passed Beginning Algebra in summer school (The first time I've advanced in math since the fourth grade). I did so, I believe, because I have finally decided to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a paleontologist. One of the reasons that I think persuaded me, was because my mother and brother told me to go for it.

    As a child there were conflicts with my love of dinosaurs and my mother’s views of Christianity and I think I decided way back then, that if my dreams wouldn't be supported, then to hell with school.

    Now I'm looking to what's holding me back from finding my dream woman. Family, peer pressures, or am I just shy?

    :)) There's my drop a bomb post. The last several months, I've cut back on my questions to you, because frankly, what I’ve learned from you, usually makes me mentally slash any of the excuses I come up with fairly quickly. The only sober approach I’ve done was back in June, during summer school. To be continued…


  2. Fear of rejection and fear of disapproval are how others react to you, ie what they think of you. You really have to stop giving a shit what anyone thinks and just do what you want.

    See that hot girl and wish you could talk to her? Just go do it and let the conversation come out however it does. Then go for the close no matter how it goes.

    Like you saw at your job, it's just a matter of asking. You didn't have to be any more charming or witty. You just had to ask or tell.

    The only one who can and should motivate you into getting girls, is you. No one else cares whether you get laid or not or find your dream girl(s) (and quit think of her as a dream girl, no more fantasies for the time being).

    If you want to go to the mall to approach, fine. Or if you see a hot patient, ask her out. Or if you're in the cafeteria getting lunch, and you see a cutie, get her number. Closing is flirting. Closing is connecting. If you want to flirt, ask her out. If you want to build rapport and connect with her, ask her out.

    Closing separates the interested ones from the uninterested. Man up, my friend. Quit putting so much pressure on yourself to succeed in getting the girl and focus on going after her instead.

  3. I may have been one of those former CA instructors mentioned at the top. If you're talking about the kind of hot, 20-something girls we see at bars and clubs who are wearing sexy clothing, makeup and trendy hairstyles and partying it up, I would say yes -- those girls tend to be high maintenance and flaky. But then there are beautiful women who wear exercise clothes and no makeup and watch DVDs on Saturday night. They might not be such a pain.

    As Dirk has wisely said many times, know yourself and know what you want. Then you'll know if you want to handle those pain-in-the-ass (but also hot-in-the-ass) girls.

  4. Yeah, club girls are hot, and flaky pains in the asses. But that goes for the ugly girls in the club too.

    I think trying to pick up girls in clubs is one of the worst things a guy can do.

    He'd have much better luck with the exact same girls if he were to try to pick them up in a different environment.

  5. I may be an exception to the rule, but I've actually made a specialty out of dating girls I met in clubs ... but they tend to be 80s-themed or alternative clubs where the girls are more my type. Plus, I actually like to dance, so the venue suits me well.

    But of course a guy can meet all the girls he needs in the day, as well. Girls are girls, wherever you find them.

  6. Heh. Actually, I agree with you.

    Guys should focus on going places they'd have fun even if they had no chance of hooking up with a girl. For a large percentage of guys, I'd say clubs are the worst place for that.

    But some guys genuinely do enjoy clubbing. They are also the guys who meet and date club girls. Common interests and all that.


  7. Yeah, and that's why I prefer clubs where I genuinely like the music. But I'll bet you could clean up at my favorite spots too, Dirk! If you're ever in San Francisco (and single), I'll hook you up. :)

  8. Haha, I'll be sure to remember that :)