Monday, November 29, 2010

On Instinct pt 2

I'm trying to keep my posts short these days, so even if I post multiple times a day, my goal is to have short easy to read advice.

On my last boys night out, I saw a great example of instinct. My recently single buddy elbowed a girl's boob accidentally. She didn't complain and simply said excuse me as she and her friend walked away. He stopped her and apologized profusely, kissing his fingers and rubbing it on the outside of the boob he hit. This got her and her friend laughing.

When asked who they were here with they pointed at each other. He asked if they were lesbian lovers. Like him, I was genuinely confused by their answer and thought the same thing. But this got them laughing even harder and more into him.

After some mundane getting to know each other, flirting, and touching with both of them, he got their numbers. Both of theirs. In front of the other. And they both brushed against his dick while leaving.

He simply said and did the first thing that came to mind without worrying about the consequences. He didn't care if he got numbers or sex despite being horny as hell since he felt he wasn't ready for either as a result of his recent break up. But he didn't let his past drama affect him from having a good time either.

On Instinct pt 1

I was asked to do a post on instinct vs fear.

Here's a good commercial that explains extinct. Commercials usually explain getting girls better than schools.

What this commercial does is focus on a passive viewer's ego. The second tiger has the prey surrender to it, he succeeds in this fiction, so viewers invariably want to be the second tiger.

A smart viewer, however, sees that because there are two types of tiger, and not just one type, both methods must work. If first method did not work, it would simply be impossible for the first tiger to exist. Thank you, natural selection.

Both tigers operate on instinct in this case. And both tigers survive, even if we focus on any one tiger's failure at any moment in time.

If that little voice is telling you to approach her or even if it's telling you to not approach her, and you do anyway, that's instinct. If that little voice is telling you to approach or not approach, and you do not approach, that's fear.

Face your fears. And smile when doing it.

Boys Night Out

Saturday night, I had a boys night out with two of my good friends. One recently broke up with his girlfriend and was nervous about trying to pick up girls after being out of practice for nearly 4 years. Which is understandable as it's only been a month since the break up was official.

The other friend just moved here from South America and to turn on his charm, he simply turns on his accent.

Guess which one got more numbers. Guess if I think it matters. I don't.

After chatting for a while, sharing stories of past conquests and failures, we were feeling frisky and with our drinks in hand, started talking to some women.

Now, both friends have different tastes in women. My buddy from South America is intimated by tall girls. So he didn't talk to them. My other buddy is intimated by tall girls too, but he enjoys intimidation. A girl who intimidates him turns him on.

Both guys approached women. Both used different tactics. My South America friend would stare down a girl. And I don't mean simply look at her, but actually stare at her. When she looked back at him, he'd go and talk to her. He didn't approach a lot of women however. That whole night, I think he approached only two women. The second one's boyfriend came over. And the first one worked there, pushing a cart around with various elixirs.

He ended up getting neither of their numbers. But they were the only two women he felt a compelling need to talk to. He could care less for the others, so he didn't bother.

The lesson to learn from him is that he just did what he wanted.

For example, once three girls approached all three of us. One was smoking. The other two were just cute. My South American friend was only interested in the hot one. She wasn't hot enough for him to approach, but hot enough to let her do the work. In fact, I think she approached because physically speaking, she was most attracted to my South American friend. Unfortunately for him, once she started talking to all of us, she seemed more interested in my other buddy. Which left the two of us playing wingman with the two other girls. I did my part. Which is flirt and keep her entertained without betraying my girlfriend. Which simply means joking around, teasing, and a few compliments without leading her on.

My South American friend however, happened to be distracted by the elixir girl. As he chatted her up, one of the girls felt left out and scorned, so she took her friends with her to the bathroom. I actually had to point out to my South American friend why they left. But neither of us held it against him. He was simply following his instincts. He wasn't attracted to the girls we were with, so he focused on the one he was attracted to.

My recently single friend, on the other hand, approached anyone he found reasonably attractive. His take - it's too soon for him to date anyone seriously right now when he's still carrying a flame for his ex, so it's simply all about the sex should he get so lucky. Some were cougars. Some were younger. In my opinion, I thought all were hot.

His approach was surprisingly bold, yet formulaic. Regardless if a girl was with a group or not, he'd walk up, say hi, and trade introductions. Then he'd say he found her (or the entire group) attractive and was wondering if she (or if anyone of them) was single because he wasn't interested in stepping on any toes.

Invariably, some were single. And they flirted for a bit, getting to know each other, teasing one another, joking, touching, etc. When conversation ran dry, he'd ask them out for coffee, regardless of how well the conversation went, regardless of how much chemistry he felt. Then he came back to join us and brag.

Some rejected him. But most accepted. Of the girls who agreed to meet up with him, every single one of them have set up a date this week with him. Sometimes a guy just gets lucky.

The thing to learn from him is that he kept his words simple. It was straight to the point and without any BS. Flirting was saved till after he confessed he was attracted to her and she admitted she was single and open to dating.

But his vibe, or attitude, all night was "I'm just having some fun." He was in a good mood and it didn't feel like he was working. I theorize that he could have said anything and still gotten the number if he kept the same vibe. But the very fact that the words did not matter meant he could cut out all the bullshit "gaming" and focus on straight talk. Good attitude + directness = success for him. Not with every girl he was interested in. But with enough to keep him happy.

The funny thing is, he unknowingly went for the elixir girl too. She rejected him, but she also explained why. It might have been bullshit, but had my South American friend just asked her out, he'd have not wasted the entire night pining about her and freed himself to move on. Or gotten her number if it was indeed bullshit and she was simply attracted to Mr. South America and not my single friend.

At the end of the night, Mr. South America actually said he thought he didn't waste time bullshitting until he saw how my single friend rolled. Needless to say, Mr. South America will not be wasting any more time cutting to the chase anymore.

That's not to say he had a bad or unsuccessful night. It's just that my single friend was the only one who got any numbers and dates from that night. Their cute friends were very interested in Mr. South America, so I'm sure if those dates turn into double dates, both guys will be getting laid.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

End Game vs Small Talk

Small Talk:

1. Talking about things you don't care about
2. Justifying what you want to do without needing to justify
3. Focusing on details like phone numbers and other logistics

End Game:

1. Focusing on the prize (ie a date, sex, etc).

When you meet a girl, do not waste time saying "I'm attracted to you" or "I think you're attractive". In general, there is nothing wrong with that. And if you are able to say it in such a way that doesn't imply you want her to take the lead, by all means, say it.

But if that is your way of saying "I'll do whatever you want to do, just let me know what that is", then do not say it.

Instead, focus on the end game. When you meet a girl and it comes time to close, say "let's get out of here" or "have a drink with me tonight" or "Buy me a gelatto this Friday".

If it's time to kiss her, a simple "come here" works.

Specific directions, no justifying. Focus on the end game. It's called leading. Try it.

Happy Thanksgiving to my regular and not-so-regular reader(s).

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Evolutionary Perspective

I'm not going to write about why girls are attracted to certain types of guys and how that relates to our evolutionary biology. But an interesting book on the topic is Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.

I am instead going to write about how predators adapt to their situation and how that relates to guys picking up girls.

For example, there are a variety of big cat predators. The lion and the tiger the most obvious. But the way they look and move are as much a result of genetics as they are a result of their surroundings. One lives in the open plains of Africa, the other in the jungles of Asia. One preys on gazelles and zebras, the other on antelope and elephants. Different needs resulted in different methods and structures to ensure the same thing - survival of the species.

In relation to getting girls, guys in different situations develop different methods towards achieving the same ends - regular sex.

For example, a friend of mine used to work as a cashier at a retail giant. Every shift, he'd have a line of girls waiting to flirt with him. Well, pay for the products they wanted. But because he didn't give a shit about his job or the pay, the fringe benefits were what kept him around. At the end of every shift, he'd have 2-3 numbers and 1-2 dates at the end of every week. He got them by flirting with every reasonably attractive female customer. Sometimes he'd talk about their purchases, sometimes by trying to get them to buy something else. And sometimes simply by blurting it out. He didn't have a lot of time to get to know a person, so he had to keep it short and snappy. Despite being an introvert, on the clock, he was outgoing and friendly. No customer complaints in either department.

Another friend of mine works 60-70hrs a week. He doesn't have time to meet girls except for when he's driving. He has even less time than the friend above. When he sees a cute girl in the car beside him, he doesn't waste any time. The window comes down and he asks if she's single. Regardless of her answer, he then asks for her number. Some girls dig his car. It's nothing special. But it's well taken care of. Some girls dig his confidence and cut to the chase attitude. Some girls think he's cute. And some think he's hilarious simply because he's so playful about it.

Frat boys tend to "hook up" with sorority girls. CEOs and political leaders tend to be married and/or use escorts or interns. Different circumstances breed different methods. In other words, your lifestyle affects who you get and how you get them.

Some lifestyles are better suited to monogamy. Some, despite the best intentions of those involved, tend to be better suited to more promiscuous sex.

And even within those confines, who they sleep with and how they end up sleeping with them vary even more.

I believe in being direct and cutting to the chase because it worked for me and my lifestyle. I am in a monogamous relationship now because it currently works best for me.

Your goal is to find what works for you. If you are in college, hooking up rather than dating is probably better suited to you. But that assumes you're in places convenient to hooking up. Maybe traditionally dating better suits your lifestyle despite being in a situation that encourages other manners of procreation, such as being indirect or playing it slow and smooth.

There is no one size fits all method. But if you find a method you are able to use confidently and consistently, it will eliminate the bad prospects (most likely in the form of them rejecting you) and attract those who dig that about you.

In other words, no matter what method you use, rejection happens. It's a necessary part of the process. And seeking to avoid rejection is seeking to avoid any method and likely to result in no success.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Leading pt 3

This past Halloween weekend, a couple of friends, me, and my girlfriend went to a different part of town to celebrate. I was particularly excited because my girl seemed into the idea of hooking up with a girl on Halloween. And bar hopping seemed best suited to such an event.

Now, while I try to pick up chicks for my friends, I'm rusty in terms of getting girls for myself. It's been over two years for me.

However, my enthusiasm rather than my fears prevailed.

I felt I talked too much with the first chick. As I was getting a drink at the bar, I happen to notice a cute girl sitting next to me. I sniffed her hair. Not subtly, but not too over the top either. Just enough so that she'd notice.

As a man, it's important to know what girls like. But not too much either. For example, it's important to know most girls like having their hair pulled and enjoy sex. But you don't want to know too much either. To keep the element of mystery and discovery alive.

Standing close to a man and having him inhale her is one of those things every man should know about every girl. She likes it. She likes being touched. But knowing where every woman likes to be sniffed and touched - that's something you have to find out in the moment and not try to research before hand. Just as reading the dictionary can be fun, so can exploring her body.

And that's all I did. I sniffed her hair. It smelled of coconut. I love coconut. So that's what I said. My questions were purely logistical because that's all I cared about. And she seemed into me. Where I think I screwed up was when I asked if she was available. Sometimes it makes sense to ask that question. Like when getting a phone number. Because you don't want to call her or be too overt in case her boyfriend sees her phone.

But it doesn't make sense for a one night stand. If she's not interested or not available, she just won't follow. If she is, reminding her she has a boyfriend is shooting yourself in the foot. I don't care much for "social intelligence" but I do put a big emphasis on common sense. This falls in the latter. I shot myself in the foot.

She said maybe, that depends on whose asking. I was pretty blunt when I said I was. She said "I'm not". It wasn't easy to hear, but it was honest. And while I can look at it like I just saved some time, I can't help but feel like if I hadn't asked about her availability and just led, we'd have hooked up that night.

I exited graciously and on to the next one.

I met her at another bar. Similar situation. I was at the bar ordering a drink. It was crowded and I saw her sitting next to me. A chance for me to redeem myself.

I look at her. She doesn't see me. I feel her shoulder. Strong. She looked me. I ask her what she's supposed to be. Nothing. She didn't dress up. I tell her that's lame. Even I dressed up. I didn't do much, but I dressed up.

Now, I could have spent the next fifteen minutes talking about costumes and coming up with fake characters she could claim she dressed up as. But I remembered the downfalls of talking too much. And I was more excited in the possibility of a threesome. My most immediate concern got my attention.

I stuck my head into her neck on the side opposite me. My hand may have rested on her thigh as I did this. When I first noticed her, I loved her head-crushing thighs and told myself I had to touch them before the night was over. One goal accomplished. She smelled nice. I told her this.

She didn't know what to say. Logistical questions again. Who are you here with? How far do you live. I don't mention my girlfriend. But I know she's watching, waiting.

I smell her again and plant a small kiss on her neck. This time I stare. I just look deep into her eyes. Feeling her out. Seeing what she's thinking. But more importantly, I let my eyes do the talking for me. And they said I want to smell the rest of her.

It lasts maybe 5 seconds. I think she knows what I want. To see if she wants it too, I grab her hands and walk towards the exit, where my girl is. With my other hand, I grab my girlfriend's and walk out. When out the door, I asked her "which way"?

We walked silently and swiftly to her place. As she opened the door, my girlfriend pushed her in and started making out. We walked inside. Her roommates weren't home. Or she lived alone. I didn't know at the time. But the couch was free. I cleared up some space for us and removed my shirt. When their clothes came off, it was glorious.

So what separated the two outcomes?

Was the first girl not into me? Maybe. No. Definitely. She lost interest in me when I asked if she was available. She was reminded of her relationship situation and didn't want me any more. Had she been single, maybe she'd have joined us. But maybe not.

But the lesson I took away from that was I did not lead. I asked her permission to lead her. You don't ask, you just do it.

I lucked out with the other girl. I didn't ask her if she wanted me. I told her I want her, and then led her. If she didn't want me, she would have stopped me.

It wasn't the fact that some guy just sniffed her and dragged her out. It was that I sniffed her and dragged her out.

The only reason she followed was because she was attracted to me. Either to my looks or to my behaviors. Or more likely, some combination of the two.

And she was into the idea of sex with me and my girlfriend (she wasn't drunk), so she followed. Had she not been into it, I'd have let her go. If she hesitated, I'd have tried to sell her, by amping up the sexual tension. But if she still backed off, I'd have let her go.

It might not be something I do in a grocery store. But I wouldn't feel the same in a grocery store. If I felt such overwhelming desire for someone, I'd do it. It doesn't guarantee she'd accept my advances, but I'd have made my desires clear.

Leading is going after what you want, simply, directly, and not asking for permission. It doesn't guarantee success, but it makes success an option, something following doesn't do.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What I Am

In my last post, I addressed what I am not advocating.

In this post, I'll address what I am - fun.

The way I see it, there are two ways of having fun:

1. with words
2. with actions


Imagine the following situation, you're walking on the beach and see an attractive woman staring at the sunset. She can see you. In fact, as you look at her, you get the sense she's checking you out while pretending not to. How do you approach?

You can walk up and say hi and talk about how beautiful the sunset is. And if you're smart and flirtatious, you will immediately say just after that, "not as beautiful as you." Then you'll both laugh and you'll admit "that was cheesy, but true." And if you're like me, you might try to explain some more "I'm just saying, I'd rather look at you naked than a sunset" while holding back your laughter but not a smile.

Or, you can do what I did and simply shout "I'm better looking than that sunset" - it was the first thing that came to my mind.


You're on a first date. You're having a polite get-to-know each other conversation about work or childhood, or something else you could have with your grandmother. She says something funny once in a while and you laugh. You say something funny when it comes naturally to you and she laughs and caresses your shoulder while pretending to slap it. Maybe a little too much because what you said isn't all that funny.

But that's natural too because your knees are touching one another and your hand is on the inside of her thigh. And when you talk, you're whispering in her ears. Perhaps your nose brushes her lobes once in a while.

Or maybe you're sitting across from her, unable to touch her. And while you get to know each other, you stare into her eyes. Your fingers run down your lips and neck, as they would on her if you were in bed naked with each other.


What you should take away from this post is not that when picking up girls you should have fun with words and when on a date have fun with actions.

What you should take away from this post is that you should have fun in a way that expresses your interest all the time.

Sometimes your interest is that of distinterest - you are not attracted. Do not stick around pretending to be. Sometimes using words comes more naturally than actions to express your desire for her. Sometimes actions are more natural.

Whatever the method, the end goal is the same - have fun. Go big or go home. Life is too short to be timid and boring. Be clear about what you want. And have fun doing it. Make it a game.

As I said to another reader, you have to test her to see if she's any fun. But the ONLY way to do that is by having fun yourself with and without her. Are you going to bore yourself to death just because she's not with you?

NO! Fuck that. Have fun without her. If she's any good for you, she'll enjoy what you do to have fun. If she's not, she'll get out of the way. But that requires you actually have fun regardless of what she's into.

It's your life. Step one of the big three is living your life. And do you want a boring life?

Think of it this way - you're part of a night cleaning crew at an office or whatever. Do you just do your job and leave, quickly, quietly? Or do you try to have fun within the limits you have?

I know if I was stuck doing the same mindless job every day, I'd find ways to have fun, ways to entertain myself, without breaking any of the rules. If the rules are too restrictive, I'd find another job. Life is about making myself happy, not being a slave to others.

If you think of girls as a numbers game, that means you have to approach and date a lot of women to find the one. You can make it boring. Or you can find ways to entertain yourself.

You're not going to scare of any chick you actually want by doing so.

Because the chicks you actually want will be into whatever you do to entertain yourself. And that's the point. You want to scare off anyone who is not into you. Whoever remains, well, she actually enjoys your company. But that requires you entertaining yourself, as opposed to doing something to "win her" or worse, "not scare her."

You don't want to break any rules, like raping her, assaulting her, stealing from her, or drugging her. And if you're sane and normal, those won't even be options for you. But that still leaves a lot of room to have fun with.

As a tip, I'll say the easiest way I know how to have fun is to be honest. Approaching brutally honest, but I don't like the word brutal. I don't think of the truth as brutal. But I can be blunt. And I often enjoy it. And being a genuinely nice guy, I find it hard to deliver the truth in a mean way.

If I'm sexually attracted to someone, I'm blunt about it - with words AND actions.


Are you going to approach 100 women and use the exact same boring line starting with "excuse me"?

Or are you going to approach 100 women and try to have fun each time?

What I'm Not

I've said it before, but I do not advocate being either direct or indirect. Nor do I advocate being clever or boring. But I can see how some might be confused. It's important not to look at any one of my posts as having all the answers.

More often than not, they are triggered by some experience I or my friends or my readers have had and attempt to describe what could have been done in that situation to better express their interest in the girl. That doesn't mean they would have gotten the girl. It just means they could have done something more to make their interest more clear. Or have had more fun doing so.

Sometimes guys get too serious and treat this like work. They walk up to a girl, stand five feet away, talk about the weather, and then ask her out. Of course she'll say no! I'll advocate having more fun and being a bit more aggressive in such a situation. And then they'll see me as advocating being clever or witty or any of the number of things other pick schools of thought have advocated in the past.

And that's not true either.

To get what I advocate, it's essential to look at all my readings and see what applies to you. Just as not all cultures cook the same food and not all musicians play the same types of songs, not every man gets a woman the same way.

But all cultures cook delicious food, there's good music in every genre (except trance), and every man is capable of getting a woman he is attracted to. And it doesn't happen by following the recipe mechanically.

It happens by adding a bit of fun and your own personality into the mix while keeping your eyes on the prize.