Thursday, November 4, 2010

Leading pt 3

This past Halloween weekend, a couple of friends, me, and my girlfriend went to a different part of town to celebrate. I was particularly excited because my girl seemed into the idea of hooking up with a girl on Halloween. And bar hopping seemed best suited to such an event.

Now, while I try to pick up chicks for my friends, I'm rusty in terms of getting girls for myself. It's been over two years for me.

However, my enthusiasm rather than my fears prevailed.

I felt I talked too much with the first chick. As I was getting a drink at the bar, I happen to notice a cute girl sitting next to me. I sniffed her hair. Not subtly, but not too over the top either. Just enough so that she'd notice.

As a man, it's important to know what girls like. But not too much either. For example, it's important to know most girls like having their hair pulled and enjoy sex. But you don't want to know too much either. To keep the element of mystery and discovery alive.

Standing close to a man and having him inhale her is one of those things every man should know about every girl. She likes it. She likes being touched. But knowing where every woman likes to be sniffed and touched - that's something you have to find out in the moment and not try to research before hand. Just as reading the dictionary can be fun, so can exploring her body.

And that's all I did. I sniffed her hair. It smelled of coconut. I love coconut. So that's what I said. My questions were purely logistical because that's all I cared about. And she seemed into me. Where I think I screwed up was when I asked if she was available. Sometimes it makes sense to ask that question. Like when getting a phone number. Because you don't want to call her or be too overt in case her boyfriend sees her phone.

But it doesn't make sense for a one night stand. If she's not interested or not available, she just won't follow. If she is, reminding her she has a boyfriend is shooting yourself in the foot. I don't care much for "social intelligence" but I do put a big emphasis on common sense. This falls in the latter. I shot myself in the foot.

She said maybe, that depends on whose asking. I was pretty blunt when I said I was. She said "I'm not". It wasn't easy to hear, but it was honest. And while I can look at it like I just saved some time, I can't help but feel like if I hadn't asked about her availability and just led, we'd have hooked up that night.

I exited graciously and on to the next one.

I met her at another bar. Similar situation. I was at the bar ordering a drink. It was crowded and I saw her sitting next to me. A chance for me to redeem myself.

I look at her. She doesn't see me. I feel her shoulder. Strong. She looked me. I ask her what she's supposed to be. Nothing. She didn't dress up. I tell her that's lame. Even I dressed up. I didn't do much, but I dressed up.

Now, I could have spent the next fifteen minutes talking about costumes and coming up with fake characters she could claim she dressed up as. But I remembered the downfalls of talking too much. And I was more excited in the possibility of a threesome. My most immediate concern got my attention.

I stuck my head into her neck on the side opposite me. My hand may have rested on her thigh as I did this. When I first noticed her, I loved her head-crushing thighs and told myself I had to touch them before the night was over. One goal accomplished. She smelled nice. I told her this.

She didn't know what to say. Logistical questions again. Who are you here with? How far do you live. I don't mention my girlfriend. But I know she's watching, waiting.

I smell her again and plant a small kiss on her neck. This time I stare. I just look deep into her eyes. Feeling her out. Seeing what she's thinking. But more importantly, I let my eyes do the talking for me. And they said I want to smell the rest of her.

It lasts maybe 5 seconds. I think she knows what I want. To see if she wants it too, I grab her hands and walk towards the exit, where my girl is. With my other hand, I grab my girlfriend's and walk out. When out the door, I asked her "which way"?

We walked silently and swiftly to her place. As she opened the door, my girlfriend pushed her in and started making out. We walked inside. Her roommates weren't home. Or she lived alone. I didn't know at the time. But the couch was free. I cleared up some space for us and removed my shirt. When their clothes came off, it was glorious.

So what separated the two outcomes?

Was the first girl not into me? Maybe. No. Definitely. She lost interest in me when I asked if she was available. She was reminded of her relationship situation and didn't want me any more. Had she been single, maybe she'd have joined us. But maybe not.

But the lesson I took away from that was I did not lead. I asked her permission to lead her. You don't ask, you just do it.

I lucked out with the other girl. I didn't ask her if she wanted me. I told her I want her, and then led her. If she didn't want me, she would have stopped me.

It wasn't the fact that some guy just sniffed her and dragged her out. It was that I sniffed her and dragged her out.

The only reason she followed was because she was attracted to me. Either to my looks or to my behaviors. Or more likely, some combination of the two.

And she was into the idea of sex with me and my girlfriend (she wasn't drunk), so she followed. Had she not been into it, I'd have let her go. If she hesitated, I'd have tried to sell her, by amping up the sexual tension. But if she still backed off, I'd have let her go.

It might not be something I do in a grocery store. But I wouldn't feel the same in a grocery store. If I felt such overwhelming desire for someone, I'd do it. It doesn't guarantee she'd accept my advances, but I'd have made my desires clear.

Leading is going after what you want, simply, directly, and not asking for permission. It doesn't guarantee success, but it makes success an option, something following doesn't do.


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  3. Hey dirk,

    You once said you are a journalist.
    Can i ask you how old you are?
    I am just interested who is behind this writing.
    I dont want your identiy go internet so you can say,if you want to, : "Hey Andy, I am in my late 20is, thanks for showing interest"

  4. "For those about to rock we salute you!"

    The great thing is that women are so passive often that if you've got the stones, or calmness to do it, you can do it.

  5. I wouldn't say passive, E, as much as I'd say submissive. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way. Few women are leaders. As men, it's our genetic obligation to lead.

    Andreas, I like to keep my offline life private. I'm in my early thirties now. Thanks for showing interest ;)