Monday, December 27, 2010

Why the Community is Wrong

Nate asks:

If you have the time or inclination I'd really love to hear how you view this whole downside of the community, the apparent decent into misogyny as it were, or any ways to snap yourself out of that negative thinking

It's been a long time since I've read any community material so anything I comment about relates back to what I saw when I entered through when I left.

However, I think any company promoting how to make yourself "more attractive" or to "get ANY girl" still suffers from the same problems.

The same problems being that women are all the same and react the same to the same things. To me, that is bullshit.

The only way a company can make you "more attractive" is by assuming all women react positively to the same things and if you hit those points, all women will react positively to you.

Likewise, the only way you can get ANY girl you want is by assuming she is a video game, and if you press the right combination of buttons, you'll get the reaction you want.

Again, bullshit. And when you read those messages like that, you realize why it is bullshit.

The easiest way to get past those messages is to try saying the same thing to every girl in the same way. When you see that different girls react differently, you realize that not all women are the same.

Knowing that different women react differently to different things, there are different ways to handle this:

1) Adapt to them. That is, if one likes the sweet sensitive type, you become the sweet sensitive type for her. If another likes you to be more aggressive, you be more aggressive around her. This is, to some degree, what the community advocates. And if you enjoy doing this, go for it. I know lots of guys who enjoy figuring a girl out and playing their cards so they get her. And they're not associated with the community in any way. But they enjoy doing it rather than hating doing it and complaining about it all the time.

2) Be yourself. That is, you tell the jokes you find funny. You pay attention to the things you find interesting. You might be aggressive. You might be a bit more coy. Some girls will dig it. Some won't. The ones that do keep close. The ones that don't stay away.

This is how I choose to be. I have no interest in women who I have to "work" for. People shouldn't have to work for each other. I don't want to make a woman work for me. It should be easy for her to want to be with me. Again, it should be easy for her to WANT to be with me. Sometimes we have to prioritize. If she has to choose between a date with me and dinner with friends she hasn't seen in a while, I totally understand if she postpones and makes a counteroffer. If she chooses to watch Survivor instead of going out with me and provides no counteroffer, I understand too and I quickly lose interest because she doesn't have enough interest in me. It's not that she's not working for me. It's that she doesn't want me enough. When you love what you do, it's not work.

It's not a truth, it's a philosophy, an opinion. And I live my life how I want to live it. It's a choice I made and make every day. The guys I know who adapt to the girls they want, that's a choice they made too. And they're accepting of that. To not make the choice, that's what's unacceptable and leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.

This is where my frustration with the community comes from. It implies you have no say in the matter. It implies the only way to get women is their way. It glorifies one type of woman over the other when in fact, what makes a person valuable to another is not who they are but rather how you relate to them. Do they laugh at your jokes - the stuff you find funny? Do you laugh at theirs? Do you feel good around them? Do they feel good around you? It doesn't matter if she's a surgeon or a brunette or some other arbitrary measure of quality.

All that matters is how you feel around her. If you feel bad around her even if on paper she's perfect, she's not quality. And if you feel great around her, even if on paper she's a ditz, then she's gold. And the best part is, you don't have to change a thing about yourself to judge how you feel around someone. You just have to value yourself enough to do something about it.

When you want money, you get a job. When you want your laces tied, you tie them. When you want a girl, you make a move. Who you make that move on and how you make it, that's all up to you. And some girls will like how you operate. And some won't.

Their reaction should only tell you if she's right for you, not whether you are attractive or ugly. Her reaction has nothing to do with your value as a person but whether she is someone who is worth your time. The community implies the opposite.


  1. Great post, thanks a lot man!

  2. As both a member and critic of the Community, I do side with you in the second camp of guys. It's too much damned work to act like some meat head just to get the kind of girls who are into meat heads.

    And I've made similar comparisons to the Community trying to make girls into video games. There is no "up-down, left-right" code to every girl.

    Now, as an instructor, did I make guys more attractive? Yes and no. I helped them take the risks and learn some social skills that DID attract more women. But for the most part they were just expressing the traits they always had but were afraid to show. So it's all about how you look at it.

    Anyway, great work as usual.

  3. There are definitely cool people in the community who understand and teach the right way of doing things. And you certainly are one of them.

    Also, as much as I am critical of the community, I realize I am a part of it simply by strictly giving advice on getting women.

    While I disagree with you that it's possible to make someone more attractive, I concede that we might just be just defining the term differently.

    And that as two people get to know each other better, they do tend to like each other more.

    But it's also true that the better you get to know someone, you might like them less as a result of what you find out.