Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Mistakes = Lessons

Too many people try to be perfect, to do without error. But the lessons we learn best are the ones we learn only after we fuck up.

Here's an email from a reader, edited to focus on the lessons learned:

Man, I'm pretty hurt right now.

I hung out with her. I started to touch her, and as I leaned in to kiss her, she said that she really needed to tell me something. She said we should just be friends...that even though she has fun with me, she says she knows that our relationship won't go anywhere serious.

She said she trusts her instincts and can tell within a couple minutes of meeting someone whether they're someone she can seriously date. She says she trusts her instincts on this and knows who would be a good match and who wouldn't. She does not jump into bed with anyone, and she only does serious dating. This, to me, totally affirms what you've said about game being pointless and that attraction is instinctive and you have no say in it.

She said she actually wanted me to ask her on a date, using the word "date" instead of just asking her to hang out. She wondered how, after three months, I never seriously asked her out. To me, honestly, I am very open to the idea of traditional dating -- it's just that community taught me so much garbage about how you should not be direct and simply ask her on a date. It's especially damaging that the community kind of implies that girls are a bunch of whores who are not into traditional dating.

I was holding her and said "maybe it's inappropriate to blurt out, but I think that you're really hot too" She totally lit up.

When she said I'm a nice guy, I actually felt a little insulted by that and told her that I feel really insecure about being perceived as a nice guy because I don't want to be seen as a pushover. She was really surprised that I'd be concerned about being seen as a pushover and if anything she thought I was really strong willed and very self confident while still being a really sweet, nice guy. I guess I feel so defensive about being seen as a nice guy because the community taught me it's a bad thing.

These points really hit home to me and taught me that girls are not whores who shun dating -- that the girls I'm into value quality dating, and they value DIRECTNESS -- as in they literally want a guy to tell them that they want to take her out and spend some time getting to know her.

I've gotten dates with girls who are intelligent but I've fucked it up with a lot of these girls because I've taken an immature approach to dating. Maybe it's just me but I notice a lot of similarities in the girls I get dates with, so many similarities that it's just eerie almost: they usually don't go to bars, they're usually not into facebook because they value their privacy a lot, they're usually introverted but sweet and open up more over time, they're usually VERY intelligent and some are a little nerdy, they usually have some solid interests (like volunteering, reading literature, learning an instrument, etc) that makes them interesting people, they do not date loser guys who don't have interests in life and aren't intelligent, and finally, they all rejected me when I didn't appear that I would seriously date them (probably because I'd talk about how I like to drunkenly party, which does not give an accurate description of my personality to a stranger who's just getting to know me).

Like, I've been so brainwashed by the community that girls just want to get fucked and shun traditional dating that it's left me so scared to just treat a girl right and take her on some dates. Even stuff like doing "the stone" in bars, I think is detrimental because a lot of the girls that I like just are NOT into that kind of thing and prefer to be intimate behind closed doors only. But I know at heart I'm a romantic and I want to date and all that stuff.

I didn't get this girl, but I feel so much more confident about opening directly and being direct because of what she told me today (because they instinctively know whether they'll date you or not so why beat around the bush), and also that I don't want to have sex on the first couple dates because I want to really get to like a girl first -- at this point in my life the connection is really important to me.

The experience taught me that she likes the sweet, low-key, nice me, and that I shouldn't shy away from that. I feel like in the future, I will be upfront with girls with my nice-guy mannerisms.

I feel much more comfortable asking a girl out by looking her straight in the eye and sincerely saying "I like you, and honestly, I'd like to hang out with you on a date, and just hang out and get to know each other better." I will provide a direction for the kind of date that I want. I'm fully expecting that it will freak some girls out, but after tonight's talk with this girl, I know it won't freak out the kinds of girls I'm into.

It would be an acceptable price to pay to get shot down by 99 girls if 1 girl that I'm really into says yes and it ultimately leads to an awesome relationship. I can't express how much more confident I feel in doing that after talking with this girl tonight, and hopefully that's a good silver lining in all this.

Congrats dude. You know what you want. And you're willing to drop the bullshit in order to get it. That's 99% of it. The rest of it is up to the girl. As you said, it will freak some girls out, but it won't freak out the kinds of girls you are into.


  1. Man, no matter what your posts consist of they always put that extra bit of steel in my spine after reading.

    If you have the time or inclination I'd really love to hear how you view this whole downside of the community, the apparent decent into misogyny as it were, or any ways to snap yourself out of that negative thinking because I've found my self starting to grapple with some of the issues in the above readers email. Again, Great post.


  2. I think why some guys try to avoid failure, or learning from mistakes is that they think it will reaffirm to themselves, or highlight to others their insecurities of being less than normal. If you see yourself as inferior you'll always be seeking out things that make you not good enough.

  3. Interesting insight, Erich. I definitely think some people sabotage themselves in order to justify their world view. They persist as losers to weirdly prove that they see things "correctly".