Friday, August 21, 2009

talking about sex vs. being sexual

a little while ago, someone asked me if there was a difference between talking about sex and being sexy. while I thought my post on "being sexual" was enough to cover the matter, there seems to be some confusion on the matter still, so i will discuss it here.

there are two ways to bring sex up with a girl: either talk about it or talk about (or do) things in a way that implies sex. both are valid. and the important thing is to do it. but one is more likely to get you laid than the other.

the first case, talking about sex, is great when you want to bring up the topic of sex. it allows you to talk about your likes and dislikes, your expectations or lack of them. and the same for her. it allows you to find out about her logistics and thoughts on the matter such as how far she's willing to go on the first night and her stance on relationships. but that does not mean she'll jump your bones because you have a conversation about sex. she might be thinking about it, maybe even thinking about sex with you, but talking about sex will not get her to make a move on you.

the second case, being sexual, puts you in a sexy mood. which will put her into a sexy mood if she's into you at all. i will not discuss here how to be sexual, as i have already done so in the past. but i will describe what usually happens when you are sexual. the vibe between you will be more flirtatious. both of you are thinking sex and sex with each other. she will most likely NOT jump your bones, but you will notice you are close enough to make a move without it being awkward. and because you are in the right state of mind, you will find it easier to make a move on her than say if you were 5 feet away and thinking about what to say next.

now, you can combine the two in anyway you like. talk about sex first, and as you get hornier, being sexual will happen naturally if you don't fight it. from there, simply say "come here" and lock lips. or if you don't like being so overt in your sexuality, invite her into your bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed, legs touching. look into her eyes and put your lips to hers. you can also be sexual and as you notice her getting more flirtatious, start talking sex. ask about her favorite positions and tell her how you'd kiss her and the other naughty things you'd do to her. paint a picture with your words. a pornographic picture.

the point is that anything works as long as you work towards creating a moment where you are both able to act on your desires. sometimes that takes words. sometimes no words are needed. but the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes, and the willingness to make a move are essential for making it happen. the desires you feel at any moment will dictate whether it's a horny dominant burning desire for fucking or something more tender and sensual like making love.

the focus, your focus, should be on creating a moment where you feel like having sex with her. it's not so much about turning her on. her greatest turn on is knowing she's turning you on. the more turned on you are, the more turned on she will be. sometimes that means talking about sex and being flirtatious instead of talking pleasantries. sometimes talking about the weather while resisting the urge to state your interest can be just what the doctor ordered. trust your instincts. do what feels right.

then it's simply a matter of letting yourself make a move. say "fuck it" out loud and pull her in close. look into her eyes and put your lips on hers.

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