"Just Go For It"

here is a message i received with an important lesson i feel all my readers can benefit from. worrying about how to get girls is not what life is about.

Hey Dirkmanley,

I wanted to say that I've always respected your posts, and this email is about how your posts are finally starting to make some real sense to me. For a long time in my life I was a painfully shy guy, but more recently I've started coming out of my shell. I'd say that now I'm pretty confident and enjoy where I'm at in life.

I recently took a bootcamp and it was nice because I went into it with the mentality that I'm going to try my damndest to close. And sure enough I did a decent amount of closing - some #s and some kissing.

Tonight I had a second date with 2 chicks that I met over the bootcamp. I'm really into one of the chicks but I didn't kiss her or anything when I first met her. They took time out of their busy schedule to meet with me and my buddy (who, I should mention, has never taken a bootcamp nor knows very much about JM).

Anyway, we hit up a bar, and I go to talk with the girl I like while my buddy talks to her friend. I chatted with my girl all night long while I waited for IOIs or waited for a right time to SOI her. I'm sure you can guess what happened. No sex.

Dude, tonight I finally realized that my problem isn't that I can't carry a conversation. Trust me, there was plenty of conversation with this chick - there was WAAAAY too much conversation with this chick!

Tonight I realized my problem was that I was too much of a wuss to escalate. Plain and simple. And this is what you've been saying all along in the forum as being a huge key to sex. I realized that once a girl is willing to come out and meet you it pretty much comes down to escalating, and that I was a dumbass for waiting for her to, in essence, give me permission to escalate. I was waiting for IOIs. The mere fact that she showed up was all the evidence I needed to make a move.

You know what the funny thing was about tonight? My wing, who only knows enough about JM to know that you gotta make it sexual, chatted with my "target's" friend and quickly brought the subject to sex and fun stuff like that. He was touching her like crazy. Isn't it crazy that when you boil it down he really understands JM better than I do, even thought I've read the ebook and taken the bootcamp? Hah!

Anyway, I've learned my lesson, man. I've got 2 of your Big 3 down. I'm living the life I want and I talk to the people I want to talk to. Now it's time to man up and escalate on these women. While the bootcamp taught me a thing or two about projecting the right vibe when doing a cold approach, I think that all of that is meaningless if you don't make a move.

I used to go nuts when I read your posts because I felt you'd almost always answer forum questions with answers that boiled down to "make a move on her." I craved "game" and "conversational skills" but tonight both my lack of escalation and my friend's willingness to take risks showed me that in the end that stuff won't get you the girl. I'm spending tonight alone when that didn't need to be the case.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for a while now. The bottom line is that I think you're the man for boiling down "game" to 3 simple rules and that I now have a better appreciation for the need to take risks and make a move, even in the absence of IOIs.

Thanks,
-XXXX

i highlighted what i found funny. thanks for letting me share, XXXX. i hope others learn from it what you already have.

the keys to power 3

the first key to power is power over oneself. you get shit done even if the rest of the world around you is going to shit. the second key to power is valuing what you have to offer others. when you ask favors of others, you have something to give them in return.

the third key to power is strategic. if you're an anime nerd like me, you've probably seen Full Metal Alchemist. in it, they talk about the law of equivalent exchange. that is, an exchange being only effective if the things being exchanged are of equal value. an eye for an eye, a toy for a toy, etc.

and while you can get along in the world making equal trades, it does not amass power. power is amassed in the same way wealth is, through profit. that is, in order to gain power, you must give less than you receive. equivalent exchange doesn't work for power. people have to give you more than they take from you.

why does this make you powerful? why does giving less than you receive build your power? because you don't need anything from anyone. the first key to power allows you to do for yourself. so whether others aid you or not, you will get the job done. and the second key to power allows you to place a value on what you have to offer others. when they seek assistance from you or when they assist you, it's because you have something to offer them.

it will feel like they're getting more than they paid for. if they ask for an inch, you give half an inch, but to them it will feel like you're giving a mile. that's just how much you value your half-inch.

the last key to power, then, is about realizing what you have to offer them is worth more than they have to offer you. you will get your shit done with or without them. but if they want your help, they have to be willing to pay the price for your services to get it.

the third key to power is giving less than you receive. because the little you do give is worth as much if not more than the lot that others give.

next: the door to power, because what good are the keys if you have no door to use them on?

the keys to power 2

so we've established that power is the ability to get things done, whether through other people or doing it ourselves if we have to.

but how do we get others to do things for us? simple. give them what they want.

when we want milk, we buy it at a grocery store. when we want our cars fixed, we pay someone to do that. power over others is similar. you have to offer them something in return for their services. what you offer need not be financial, but more often than not, those who we idolize for being powerful use money.

so lets explore what things we can offer in return for the services of others. we can look at a movie like "The Godfather" where mob boss Don Corleone trades favors for favors. when Don Corleone wants his godson in a movie, he offers the producer some leverage in dealing with the unions. it's an application of the saying "if you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours."

of course, not everyone will want what you have to offer. what do you do then? if you're Don Corleone, you can make an offer they can't refuse. cut off the head of their prized horse. or assure them that if they don't do something, their brains will splatter when you pull the trigger.

but lets assume you're not Don Corleone. lets assume you don't want to break the law. its the way i do things.

in such cases i still take lessons from "The Godfather". should anyone ever turn down my request for a favor, i never ask them for a favor again. how does this help gain power over them, you ask. simple. i know i have a lot to offer - my friendship, my talent, my connections, my loyalty, my sense of humor, my personality, my time, me, essentially, and all that i am and can do.

and when they turn me down, they lose everything i have to offer in return. and i make sure not to give to them if they refuse me what i ask of them. if a store refused to sell me milk i wanted, not only would i not give them my money for that transaction, i would not shop there again for anything. and if i'm really ticked off, i will do what i can do reduce their business by taking more customers to my side. to get me to stop and to stay in business, that grocery store will have to acquiese to my requests. i will then have the upper hand. same principle.

power over others is gained through exchange.

the second key to power, like the first key of power, comes back to you - value what you can offer to others. one key left.

the keys to power 1

"power is the ultimate aphrodisiac," or so henry kissinger said.

but what is power. power is easy to recognize when we see it. a man snaps his finger, people run to serve him. he utters a word, and things get done. big things. he commands, other people do. that's power. right?

wrong. what you don't see is him signing their paycheck, or at least the paycheck he signs of the guy he pays to sign everyone elses' paychecks.

power is not about controlling others. it's not about power over others because when all is said and done, we honestly have very little power over others, even the guy who issues orders. no one will do anything for you for nothing. but we do have lots of power over ourselves. because we will work for ourselves for nothing. we tie our own shoelaces. we wipe our own asses. we walk ourselves to work if our car won't start and we're late for the bus. all for free.

see, there is only one kind of power and that is the power to get things done. and it doesn't matter if you do it yourself, command one or two others, or an entire army; if you don't get things done, you have no power.

but if you can get things done, all by yourself, you have more power than all the ceos and dictators in the world.

the first key to power is power over oneself. more keys to come.

why all men should work out

i could go into rehashing research that shows lifting weights makes you mentally sharper. or i could point out that you'll closer resemble the idealized media image of a man, which helps build your confidence around other men and women. i could also point out that your testosterone production increases, further developing your aggression and sex drive. and i certainly won't point out that lifting weights makes you much stronger, giving you the stamina and energy to lift heavy things and last longer in bed, making you a better lover.

and while all of the above are certainly valid reasons to lift weights and work out, the real reason you should work out, why you should lift weights, is that the women at the gym are likely to have benefitted the same pluses. the women at the gym are likely to be more confident, more outgoing, more aggressive, more energetic, better in bed, and closer resemble the idealized media image of a woman. especially if they lift weights, but sticking to the treadmill is just as good for them.

if you want better women, you have to change where you look. know what you want from a woman, figure out the likeliest place to find someone who matches that description, and go there to look for her.

but here's the kicker.

if you want someone whose truly compatible with you, you won't have to go anywhere special. you won't have to figure out where to meet girls. you just have to be active about pursuing your interests, your hobbies, your daily life. and whatever women you happen to meet in the course of doing so are likely to be your best bet.

the only question you have to answer then is, "am i attracted to them?" because you'll already be the man they are attracted to. so you have to find selfish reasons for doing what you do. reasons that benefit you even if other people turn their backs on you for doing so. reasons even for going to the gym.

you cannot live your life for others. only yourself.

Barely Legal

I received the following email from a reader asking for advice on whether he should sleep with a younger co-worker:

Heya D.,

Your posts always help me out. I have always liked the no nonsense, simple, and non-mystical way you have of seeing things. Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that there's this new co-worker at work, and she's hot. I mean super-fucking hot. And she's into me. And I like her. Not like I wanna marry her or anything. It's just that it's fun flirting with her (and she gets my dick hard). The problem is that she's 18. My experience with 18 year olds haven't been good. It's not that we don't get along; it's just that, well, the sex sucks.

I've fucked girls ranging from 18 to 40. With girls who are one night stands, the sex was guaranteed to be good if they were 30 or older. But if they were 22 or younger, the sex depended on their maturity level and sexual experience. I've even found that girls with more sexual experience than me but younger than 22 were still passive in bed. Unless we fucked more than a couple of times, but by that point, their personalities started to wear thin on me. And my policy is that I shouldn't have to put up with lame people for good sex when I can meet girls with great personalities who are good in bed and hot. It's one thing if she's a one night stand, but another if I'm going to be fucking her multiple times. And sometimes you just know from the minute you start talking.

However, I still want to fuck my 18 year old co-worker. What should I do?

Stay awesome,

Confused

Hey Confused,

Fuck her. Seriously. If she's legal and it's consensual, fuck her.

The fact that she's able to get you hard means there's something in you that isn't satisfied with the idea that sex with younger girls is bad. When I see an 18 year old girl, I'm immediately reminded of my mediocre sexual experiences. And that makes it hard for me to get hard. I have to want to have sex with a girl in order to have sex with her. Even if I wasn't in a committed relationship right now, I'd stay away from 18 year olds.

I know it sounds wrong and bigoted, but you have the right to be discriminating when it comes to your sex life. If you don't like shy girls, rude girls, overweight girls or whatever else type you consider a deal breaker, you don't sleep with them. And it's the same with age. There's nothing wrong with discriminating based on age. Does that mean all 18 year olds are bad in bed? No. Just like some overweight, shy, or bitchy girls are sexy in their own way. But discriminating factors provide a shorthand that allows you to make quick judgments about who you'll try to sleep with and who you won't because your time is valuable to yourself if not anyone else.

However my answer is the same--fuck her. The fact that you are seriously considering fucking her, fuck her. Fuck all the 18 year old girls it takes to get them out of your system. Always trust your instincts. If she makes your dick hard, fuck her.

When you finally get sick of 18 year olds and truly believe them to be bad in bed, they won't be able to turn you on unless they start acting in ways that turn you on. You need to get in there, roll your sleeves up, and figure out what it truly is that turns you on in a woman besides her looks and the fact that she flirts back.

If that's all it takes, there's nothing wrong with that. But at least you'll know for sure what it takes. And that makes it easier to find what you want.

The Zone

People talk about the zone all the time. Especially us creative types, but it's concept has been covered to include such mundane activities like eating and watching TV.

So what exactly is the zone and how do you get in it?

The zone is a place where you just seem on. It's like focus, but everything seems to be going your way. The wind is behind your back and nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do. Not only that, nothing seems to be in your way. You anticipate your opponent's moves 2-3 steps ahead. Distractions are a blur.

Or so the theory goes.

I disagree. As a writer, I find I do my best writing when I get in the zone. Unfortunately, some days are hard. Very hard. I'll sit staring at a blank screen and everything I put on to the page stinks. I'll erase and criticize and second guess myself.

But that's the very key to the zone. Because being in the zone is the opposite of being out of the zone.

When I'm out of the zone, I'm negative. I'm focusing on why what I write stinks. I focus on what's wrong with my writing. When I'm in the zone, it's not that my writing is perfect. It's filled with grammatical and spelling errors. Some ideas just stink. But I save that for the editing phase.

As I mentioned earlier, being in the zone is about focus. It's a highly specialized kind of focus. Think of it like Henry Ford's assembly line. Each worker had only one job. And he did that repeatedly. It was almost a zen-like experience. That worker eventually got so good at that job, he could do it with his eyes closed. That's being in the zone. Imagine if not only that worker had to worry about bolting each door to the chassis, but had to worry about welding the chassis in the first place as well as building the engine and the rest of that car too. And then on top of it, had to figure out what he did wrong, assuming the further responsibilities of Quality Control. All at the same time.

It's not that he could not do it or would do a bad job. He just would not be very efficient at his job. And it would be a very stressful and frustrating experience.

Being in the zone means focusing on the task at hand. Worry about Quality Control later. Instead, do what needs to be done. When I'm in the zone writing, I don't worry if my work is good or bad, if the words are spelt right (I intentionally left this mistake in) or if I have commas in the right places. That's Quality Control's job. And while I also do Quality Control on my own writing, I save it till I'm actually done writing. Instead, I focus on getting out the ideas in my head, spelling mistakes, bad grammar and punctuation, and lame ideas as well. When I'm writing, there are no bad ideas. They're all good. Great even. Being in the zone is about positivity and a sense of superiority and trust. Positive that everything I write is good, that my judgment and what I put out is superior to all ideas I've had in the past and will have in the future, and trust that what I'm putting out now is the best I can do.

Then I go back and separate the good from the bad later.

Here's the cool thing about being my own quality control. It forces me to learn from my mistakes. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. And I'm able to look back over my own work and see what I like and what I don't. This sticks with me. It influences me over time, teaching me good grammar and spelling so I make fewer mistakes in the future. This allows me to focus on the ideas instead of the language or medium.

This does not mean I don't make mistakes. It just means mistakes don't slow me down. I'm so focused on the idea and not worried about how well I'm getting the idea across because I know when it comes to Quality Control, editing, or whatever you want to call it, I can handle my mistakes.

The key to being in the zone then is not avoiding mistakes or being 2-3 steps ahead of your "opponent" but to simply not let them hinder you instead. Contrary to the popular belief that in the zone there are no mistakes, it's a state of mind that comes from experience and confidence in your ability to handle any problems that come your way. It only seems like there are no obstacles, that there are no mistakes, because the part of your mind that's responsible for dealing with them is turned off.

The next time you find yourself struggling, ask yourself what are you worried about that is Quality Control's responsibility. Then wave bye-bye to it as you shut that portion of your brain off.

Being in the zone isn't about being on. It's about shutting off everything that's inessential.

choose your emotions

failure happens. that's life. sometimes it's funny, even to you. and other times it's heart wrenching. but in the end, the results are the same - you didn't get what you wanted. and it's important to accept that.

as batman's dad said, we fall "so we can learn to pick ourselves up." but resilience is not the point of this post. it's about something more fundamental. as i pointed out earlier, when rejection happens, it has an emotional effect on us.

but when we look at exactly what emotions are, one thing becomes very clear, they have a lot in common. anger and sexual arousal have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies. so do fear, nervousness, and excitement.

the thing that differentiates the emotions is how our brains interpret what our body is going through based on the context and situation we experience those physiological responses in.

and because we interpret and label our physiological responses, we choose what emotions we feel. a man imposes his will, even on his feelings.

consider the following situation: you're at a bar and see a cute, but drunk girl by herself. you think to yourself, "easy pickings" and proceed to walk on over. when you get there, she pushes you back and says she's a lesbian--before you even utter a word.

how do you react?

1) offended that she (correctly) assumed you were trying to hit on her,
2) guilty and apologetic, as if you were doing something wrong and need to smooth things over with her for some unexplained reason, or
3) laugh because, hey, it is funny.

if you're like me, you've probably done the first two.

do you remember what happened when your first two reactions were in play? that's right. if you acted apologetic, she smelled blood and went straight for your jugular, unless you were smart enough to run away. but that didn't leave you feeling like much of a man. so maybe the next time you were offended and tried to tell her off. and what exactly did that accomplish? assuming she wasn't a violent drunk and it didn't escalate the situation to where the bouncer kicks you out, her friends came in and put some distance between you two, leaving you with lots of pent up anger, preventing you from enjoying the rest of your night.

having reacted the first two ways i know both ruin my night. and i've seen my friends react that exact same way to rejections that weren't even their own to know it ruins my night and their own. now, anger and guilt do come in handy at times when intimidation and forgiveness are necessary. but if you can solve a situation without getting your own blood boiling or stomach knotting, why not choose that different way?

here's how i react to that situation above: instead of anger, i feel sexual arousal. feistiness turns me on. instead of guilt, i laugh. if i'm that obvious, there's no point hiding it. maybe she'll let me watch. i do come with my own strap on.

how you feel in any situation will affect how you deal with any situation. if you feel good about it, you are more likely to do something. if you feel nervousness or fear, chances are you won't.

and while i propose courage is the best way to deal with fear, sometimes the best way is to simply choose not to be scared.

i'm not saying this will change anything. she might still continue being a bitch. this isn't about winning her over. you can't win her over. if she was into you, she wouldn't have been rude in the first place. but this is about not letting her bring you down. misery loves company and she'll stop at nothing to get you on her team.

think of the last time a chick was rude to you. what ways could you have turned that moment into an opportunity to shine? how could you have used her negativity to show your wit or sexuality? or both.

remember to do that the next time something similar happens. and if things still go nowhere, remember, at least you fell laughing.

being sexual

it's sad, but true. some guys just don't know how to be sexual. or rather, they know, but for whatever reason, don't allow themselves to be. i'm not judging. i was one of them. but it is what it is--sad.

the thing is, it is not that hard. it's quite easy, in fact. it's in our genes. we just gotta sack up and go through the motions.

so what are the motions?

wait for it...

3

2

1

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.

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first lets consider what it is that makes you horny, what turns you on. i'm not talking about watching porn, but hey, that's certainly valid. i'm talking about in real life when interacting with a real person. is it her voice? the way she smells? how she touches and looks at you? maybe she's just standing really close to you? or do you need something more, like her grabbing your junk and watching porn?

know what it is that turns you on. then do that to her. that's it. give what you want to get.

when you're friendly, people are friendly with you. if you're an asshole, people are jerks to you. it's no secret. people are mirrors. if you keep wondering why girls keep telling you "lets just be friends" consider what you are doing, or rather, not doing. you keep sending the message, "i'm friendly." well, that's why genius. she's not looking for friends. if you're not getting what you want, change what you are giving.

and if you're not quite sure what it is that turns you on, read a romance novel or some women's sexual fantasies. lay off the porn. porn doesn't work your imagination like writing does. writing puts you in the story. porn doesn't.

there's no need to be an asshole or a cool guy. just give what you want to get. if it's sex, figure out what turns you on. then do that to her.

go for what you want

as a man, it is important to be completely honest about what you want. i say man and not adult because women can be wishy washy and if they have a man in their life, he'll provide them with what they want and need.

but as a man, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want because no one is going to give it to you. after being honest with yourself, you have to go for it as directly and simply as possible. you have to take it. if you want food, you go to the fridge, restaurant, or supermarket--depending on what you want. obstacles might arise. obstacles such as walking, driving, or paying. you address those obstacles and you go for what you want--food.

with women, it is exactly the same. if you want sex and only sex, start by being honest with the girl. that doesn't mean saying "i'm only interested in fucking you." that's retarded--however retarded does work. but my point is don't set up a dinner date where you'll need conversation. instead, do drinks and dancing at a local club. maybe go to the park and lie in each other's arms under a tree. and if you do dinner and end up seated at opposite ends and conversation is a must, forget the life stories. focus on flirting and making things sexual.

why? because you don't care about anything else but the sex anyway. so why waste time? if she's into it, she'll go with it. if she's not, she won't. quit fearing rejection.

instead, as a friend of mine said, seek out rejection. it makes clear what obstacles and objections stand in your way. some cannot be overcome. some can. but now you know the path you must take.

if you want only sex or sex before anything else, seek out sex as directly and simply as possible. be sexual. look at her sensually. stand close. touch her. caress her. smell her. take in her body using all five of your senses. watch how she comes alive. either she will force you away or draw you in further.

if you want a girlfriend, do the dinner thing, get to know her, find out if she's right for you. then get sexual.

but here is where this rule breaks down and acts funky. because as the same friend said, sex is the reward we give girls. that is, everything girls do is in order to get sex. and more often than not, it is better to get sexual with a girl before getting to know her. it can often be impossible to truly know her until after you have had sex with her because she won't let you in until her needs are satisfied.

the obstacle that stands in your way of getting a girlfriend is her desire for sex which is stronger than her desire for a relationship or even finding a decent guy. as a woman, she doesn't have to be direct about what she wants. she just has to say yes or no to anything or anyone that stands before her because as a woman, things will present themselves to her. guys with and without balls will ask her out. she doesn't have to worry about food or entertainment because they'll take her out to dinner and a movie. and that's fantastic for her.

but as a man, you do not have such luxuries. and in your direct pursuit of finding the right girl, you will have to sleep with many women before you find her. in my opinion, that's not a bad thing at all.

go for what you really want as directly and as simply as possible. go for sex.