What I Am

In my last post, I addressed what I am not advocating.

In this post, I'll address what I am - fun.

The way I see it, there are two ways of having fun:

1. with words
2. with actions

Words

Imagine the following situation, you're walking on the beach and see an attractive woman staring at the sunset. She can see you. In fact, as you look at her, you get the sense she's checking you out while pretending not to. How do you approach?

You can walk up and say hi and talk about how beautiful the sunset is. And if you're smart and flirtatious, you will immediately say just after that, "not as beautiful as you." Then you'll both laugh and you'll admit "that was cheesy, but true." And if you're like me, you might try to explain some more "I'm just saying, I'd rather look at you naked than a sunset" while holding back your laughter but not a smile.

Or, you can do what I did and simply shout "I'm better looking than that sunset" - it was the first thing that came to my mind.

Actions

You're on a first date. You're having a polite get-to-know each other conversation about work or childhood, or something else you could have with your grandmother. She says something funny once in a while and you laugh. You say something funny when it comes naturally to you and she laughs and caresses your shoulder while pretending to slap it. Maybe a little too much because what you said isn't all that funny.

But that's natural too because your knees are touching one another and your hand is on the inside of her thigh. And when you talk, you're whispering in her ears. Perhaps your nose brushes her lobes once in a while.

Or maybe you're sitting across from her, unable to touch her. And while you get to know each other, you stare into her eyes. Your fingers run down your lips and neck, as they would on her if you were in bed naked with each other.

Conclusion

What you should take away from this post is not that when picking up girls you should have fun with words and when on a date have fun with actions.

What you should take away from this post is that you should have fun in a way that expresses your interest all the time.

Sometimes your interest is that of distinterest - you are not attracted. Do not stick around pretending to be. Sometimes using words comes more naturally than actions to express your desire for her. Sometimes actions are more natural.

Whatever the method, the end goal is the same - have fun. Go big or go home. Life is too short to be timid and boring. Be clear about what you want. And have fun doing it. Make it a game.

As I said to another reader, you have to test her to see if she's any fun. But the ONLY way to do that is by having fun yourself with and without her. Are you going to bore yourself to death just because she's not with you?

NO! Fuck that. Have fun without her. If she's any good for you, she'll enjoy what you do to have fun. If she's not, she'll get out of the way. But that requires you actually have fun regardless of what she's into.

It's your life. Step one of the big three is living your life. And do you want a boring life?

Think of it this way - you're part of a night cleaning crew at an office or whatever. Do you just do your job and leave, quickly, quietly? Or do you try to have fun within the limits you have?

I know if I was stuck doing the same mindless job every day, I'd find ways to have fun, ways to entertain myself, without breaking any of the rules. If the rules are too restrictive, I'd find another job. Life is about making myself happy, not being a slave to others.

If you think of girls as a numbers game, that means you have to approach and date a lot of women to find the one. You can make it boring. Or you can find ways to entertain yourself.

You're not going to scare of any chick you actually want by doing so.

Because the chicks you actually want will be into whatever you do to entertain yourself. And that's the point. You want to scare off anyone who is not into you. Whoever remains, well, she actually enjoys your company. But that requires you entertaining yourself, as opposed to doing something to "win her" or worse, "not scare her."

You don't want to break any rules, like raping her, assaulting her, stealing from her, or drugging her. And if you're sane and normal, those won't even be options for you. But that still leaves a lot of room to have fun with.

As a tip, I'll say the easiest way I know how to have fun is to be honest. Approaching brutally honest, but I don't like the word brutal. I don't think of the truth as brutal. But I can be blunt. And I often enjoy it. And being a genuinely nice guy, I find it hard to deliver the truth in a mean way.

If I'm sexually attracted to someone, I'm blunt about it - with words AND actions.

Now.

Are you going to approach 100 women and use the exact same boring line starting with "excuse me"?

Or are you going to approach 100 women and try to have fun each time?

What I'm Not

I've said it before, but I do not advocate being either direct or indirect. Nor do I advocate being clever or boring. But I can see how some might be confused. It's important not to look at any one of my posts as having all the answers.

More often than not, they are triggered by some experience I or my friends or my readers have had and attempt to describe what could have been done in that situation to better express their interest in the girl. That doesn't mean they would have gotten the girl. It just means they could have done something more to make their interest more clear. Or have had more fun doing so.

Sometimes guys get too serious and treat this like work. They walk up to a girl, stand five feet away, talk about the weather, and then ask her out. Of course she'll say no! I'll advocate having more fun and being a bit more aggressive in such a situation. And then they'll see me as advocating being clever or witty or any of the number of things other pick schools of thought have advocated in the past.

And that's not true either.

To get what I advocate, it's essential to look at all my readings and see what applies to you. Just as not all cultures cook the same food and not all musicians play the same types of songs, not every man gets a woman the same way.

But all cultures cook delicious food, there's good music in every genre (except trance), and every man is capable of getting a woman he is attracted to. And it doesn't happen by following the recipe mechanically.

It happens by adding a bit of fun and your own personality into the mix while keeping your eyes on the prize.

Leading pt 2

Moves are like an earthquake. Making a move changes things. You cannot expect to make a move and expect no one to notice, least of all the girl you're putting the moves on.

But that's a good thing. Because how she handles it tells you whether she's into it or not.

If making a move was covert and indistinguishable from not making a move, she would have nothing to react to before it was actually happening.

That would be like a stand-up comedian just saying punchlines without the setup. Just plain weird.

Watch this clip from Season 4 of Weeds.

http://seriesspoilers.com/video/6326/Weeds-4x7/ (about 11:05 in)

Mission 3

So you've gotten good at getting phone numbers and dates, but you still aren't getting laid, so what are you doing wrong?

Nothing. Or everything.

Do the girls know that they're on a date with you and not simply hanging out with a friend? Really? You used the word "date" and have not hidden it behind humor or sarcasm so as to diffuse its meaning?

A girl has to know your desire for her. Sometimes you use clear unambiguous words. And you always back it up with action.

Take for example the phrase "Yeah, I want to fuck you."

Try saying it sarcastically. Right now. Sitting right there. Say it out loud or in your head.

It will probably sound something like this:

"Sshhheaaah. I want to fuck you" *eye roll*

The words were fast, lots of variation in tone of voice and facial expression.

Now trying saying it as if you really meant it.

It will probably sound something like this:

"Yeah."
*look into her eyes*
*glance down to her lips*
*your eyes slowly drift back to her eyes*
"I want to fuck you"

You'll probably say it softer, kinder, and slower. Of course, that's not the only way to say it. You may say it without using any words. You may use different words.

But your actions and tone of voice would likely be only slightly different.

And that's what mission three is about. Being sexual.

With every girl you meet and are attracted to, you are to be sexual with them. You may choose to wait until you're on a date or seem to be clicking, you may choose to start immediately.

The point here isn't to avoid rejection. If she's not interested, you will be rejected, make no doubt about it. But that's the point. You want to sort out the ones who are interested from the ones who aren't.

And I will say that the sooner she rejects you because of your sexual advances, the better.

Why waste time on a girl who isn't interested?

Sex Tip#3

When you are ready to close, do not ask for her number. Do not ask for a date. Only ask her back to your place or hers. Sex is the only close that counts. If she rejects your offer of sex and does not provide an appealing alternative (like a date or number), find another girl.

Sex Tip#2

The easiest "move" for kissing is to say "come here" as if you were whispering it and then put your lips to hers.

Mission 2

A while ago I posted Mission 1. Here is Mission 2:

1) When on a first or second, or even a third date, go somewhere you can afford and normally have fun at.

2) When there, talk to her, get to know her, and try to have some fun. This should be easy because you are already some place where you know how to have fun.

3) Make a move.

Now, to explain the three step mission above:

One - You want to go some place that you feel comfortable. Getting comfortable enough to be yourself around a new person is challenging enough. Do not make the mistake of going someplace where you have no idea what you are doing. This is not to impress her. It is simply to limit your obstacles so that you are free to focus your undivided attention on her. One of the benefits of going to place you already are comfortable in is that she gets to see your fun, calm, confident side. Confidence is just another word for being comfortable with oneself. It's easy to feel and be confident in a place you love and a place that loves you back. It also gives her a chance to get to know you by being an easy conversation starter. Think back to Show and Tell in Kindergarten. Share the place that brings you joy with her. By doing so, you end up sharing a little bit about yourself and she gets to know you.

Suggestions: dive bars where you normally play pool or drink at, video rental stores or supermarkets, coffee shops, the pier or the beach, a park, art gallery, museum, a bookstore, the mall, whatever and where ever you would go even if by yourself. If you're the type who goes to wine tastings or martini bars, that's cool too. Do not let the method define who you are. You define the method.

Two - Talk to her. Get to know her. And don't take things too seriously. In other words, loosen up, enjoy your surroundings, your date, and the moment. Have fun. Trust your instincts. If she's talking about her grandma dying, don't make a joke out of it. On the other hand, if she's talking politics and if you do not want to talk about that, feel free to make a joke and change subjects. It's one thing to tell a girl you're a great guy and another thing to show her. Show her how awesome and true to yourself you are (one and the same thing, in my opinion).

Three - make a move. You can tell a girl you find her sexy all you want, but if you aren't touching her, nibbling at her ears, or trying to kiss her, then she's not likely to believe you. Actions speak louder than words. Show and Tell applies here too. Talking sex is fine, but be sexual. Look at her with a genuine hunger in your eyes. If you have to fake wanting her, then you don't really want her. Move on to someone you really want, even if others do not. Your sex life is yours. It is not a social status competition.

In all of this, do not fear rejection. Welcome it. Search it out. That doesn't mean pretending to be or do something you are not or would never do.

It does mean be honest about what you want. It's the only real way to find out if she wants the same things too. If she doesn't want what you want, she will reject you sooner or later, and sooner is better than later. The sooner she rejects you, the sooner you can get back to searching for what you want instead of wasting time on someone who doesn't.

If she has no interest in the date you suggest, it's clear she does not enjoy the things you do. Do you want a girl like that as a girlfriend? As a one night stand? I do not want a girlfriend who doesn't enjoy what I do. But a one night stand, I could care less. But as I slept with more women, one night stands interested me less and less, though I still had my share*. Each man comes to his own conclusion. Trust your own desires, your own instincts.

If you make a move and she backs off, read her expression. Is it "what the hell?!" or is it "silly boy, not right now"? And more importantly, how does her reaction make you feel? Do you feel like trying again, or do you feel like a heel or end up resenting her for it? If you feel like trying again, do it again a little later when it feels right. If you feel bad about it, cut the date short and move on to something more fun for you. But you got to thicken your skin so you don't get butt-hurt at every rejection. And the only way to do that is to keep making a move.

Lastly, a girl is more than her looks. Otherwise, she may as well be a robot or mannequin. If that is what you want, do not waste your time on real women. But if you want a real woman, quit judging yourself. Quit thinking it's you who messed up. Quit blaming yourself and start judging her. Judge her by her personality, how she acts around you and how she treats you.


*Note: Girls who like you are willing to do whatever you suggest. So if you suggest something, they will do it. If they do not, they don't like you enough. Do not try to change their minds. Simply shift your focus to other girls. They will then either change their mind, make a counter-offer that interests you, or move on themselves. Either way, you win. In regards to one night stands, a girl who is down for a one night stand with you will also do whatever you suggest. You could be drinking with a couple of friends and invite her out and she will come dressed to the nines.

talking about sex vs. being sexual

a little while ago, someone asked me if there was a difference between talking about sex and being sexy. while I thought my post on "being sexual" was enough to cover the matter, there seems to be some confusion on the matter still, so i will discuss it here.

there are two ways to bring sex up with a girl: either talk about it or talk about (or do) things in a way that implies sex. both are valid. and the important thing is to do it. but one is more likely to get you laid than the other.

the first case, talking about sex, is great when you want to bring up the topic of sex. it allows you to talk about your likes and dislikes, your expectations or lack of them. and the same for her. it allows you to find out about her logistics and thoughts on the matter such as how far she's willing to go on the first night and her stance on relationships. but that does not mean she'll jump your bones because you have a conversation about sex. she might be thinking about it, maybe even thinking about sex with you, but talking about sex will not get her to make a move on you.

the second case, being sexual, puts you in a sexy mood. which will put her into a sexy mood if she's into you at all. i will not discuss here how to be sexual, as i have already done so in the past. but i will describe what usually happens when you are sexual. the vibe between you will be more flirtatious. both of you are thinking sex and sex with each other. she will most likely NOT jump your bones, but you will notice you are close enough to make a move without it being awkward. and because you are in the right state of mind, you will find it easier to make a move on her than say if you were 5 feet away and thinking about what to say next.

now, you can combine the two in anyway you like. talk about sex first, and as you get hornier, being sexual will happen naturally if you don't fight it. from there, simply say "come here" and lock lips. or if you don't like being so overt in your sexuality, invite her into your bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed, legs touching. look into her eyes and put your lips to hers. you can also be sexual and as you notice her getting more flirtatious, start talking sex. ask about her favorite positions and tell her how you'd kiss her and the other naughty things you'd do to her. paint a picture with your words. a pornographic picture.

the point is that anything works as long as you work towards creating a moment where you are both able to act on your desires. sometimes that takes words. sometimes no words are needed. but the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes, and the willingness to make a move are essential for making it happen. the desires you feel at any moment will dictate whether it's a horny dominant burning desire for fucking or something more tender and sensual like making love.

the focus, your focus, should be on creating a moment where you feel like having sex with her. it's not so much about turning her on. her greatest turn on is knowing she's turning you on. the more turned on you are, the more turned on she will be. sometimes that means talking about sex and being flirtatious instead of talking pleasantries. sometimes talking about the weather while resisting the urge to state your interest can be just what the doctor ordered. trust your instincts. do what feels right.

then it's simply a matter of letting yourself make a move. say "fuck it" out loud and pull her in close. look into her eyes and put your lips on hers.

female friends

Dear Dirk,

What is your take on female friends? Should I be trying to sleep with them? Can men and women be just friends? Should I try to be just friends with women?

Thanks,
XXXXX

hey XXXXX,

i'm not going to tell you whether or not you should sleep with your female friends. i don't even know if its possible to be just friends with women. i leave that up to people who like to argue rather than actually have relationships.

but i will say that you should absolutely make every effort to have females in your life who are just friends. hot, ugly, skinny, fat. of all shapes and sizes.

and here's why - when you go out to meet women, your goal should be to sleep with them, assuming you're looking for a relationship where sex is involved. if you go out looking for friends, don't be surprised if you end up with a girl who says "lets just be friends". she might say it anyway if you go out looking for sex, but the chances of finding what you're looking for increase when you actually look for it.

having female friends in your life will take care of that social neediness inside you that is telling you that you are not attractive, that you are not cool, that you are not funny, and that you have to become or do all those things in order to get the girl. it's bullshit.

you do not have to attract, act cool, or entertain in order to get laid. but your belief in yourself as an attractive, worthy man is essential to taking the steps necessary to get laid. and that is more likely to happen when you have a strong social network that satisfies that urge in you to "be social" and impress her with your "social skillZ". you would not have friends if you weren't worth having as a friend. and once you realize this, you are less likely to try to prove it.

think of the kung fu master who gives up fighting others because he realizes his greatest opponent is himself. he has nothing left to prove.

when you have friends, you are less likely to go out to make friends. when you have female friends, your need for having female friends decreases, and because of that, you are less likely to go out to make female friends.

instead, you will seek what you lack - female sexual relations. it's something that is both concious and subconcious. taking care of it on the concious level (making and keeping female friends) will take care of it on the subconcious level (trying to get laid when you do meet an attractive female).

having female friends will make you comfortable being yourself around women and show you that it's not what you say that keeps them in your life. having female friends will also allow you to find out the type of people (and women) you like having in your life.

the problem with guys who don't get laid is that usually they don't have a lot of friends, female or otherwise. this gets them wanting someone in their life who will stay in their life forever and ever. relationships by their nature are transient things, lasting however long you see each other regularly and ending as soon as the people involved go their own separate ways. sure, people keep in touch, but only if they've formed deep emotional (or sexual) connections during the time they spent together. deep emotional connections take a long time to form.

but sexual connections happen much quicker. by having people in your life who you share deep emotional connections with, your need to seek them out decreases. this frees you to focus on making those sexual connections.

if you want to get laid, have more female friends.

being sexual

it's sad, but true. some guys just don't know how to be sexual. or rather, they know, but for whatever reason, don't allow themselves to be. i'm not judging. i was one of them. but it is what it is--sad.

the thing is, it is not that hard. it's quite easy, in fact. it's in our genes. we just gotta sack up and go through the motions.

so what are the motions?

wait for it...

3

2

1

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first lets consider what it is that makes you horny, what turns you on. i'm not talking about watching porn, but hey, that's certainly valid. i'm talking about in real life when interacting with a real person. is it her voice? the way she smells? how she touches and looks at you? maybe she's just standing really close to you? or do you need something more, like her grabbing your junk and watching porn?

know what it is that turns you on. then do that to her. that's it. give what you want to get.

when you're friendly, people are friendly with you. if you're an asshole, people are jerks to you. it's no secret. people are mirrors. if you keep wondering why girls keep telling you "lets just be friends" consider what you are doing, or rather, not doing. you keep sending the message, "i'm friendly." well, that's why genius. she's not looking for friends. if you're not getting what you want, change what you are giving.

and if you're not quite sure what it is that turns you on, read a romance novel or some women's sexual fantasies. lay off the porn. porn doesn't work your imagination like writing does. writing puts you in the story. porn doesn't.

there's no need to be an asshole or a cool guy. just give what you want to get. if it's sex, figure out what turns you on. then do that to her.