female friends

Dear Dirk,

What is your take on female friends? Should I be trying to sleep with them? Can men and women be just friends? Should I try to be just friends with women?

Thanks,
XXXXX

hey XXXXX,

i'm not going to tell you whether or not you should sleep with your female friends. i don't even know if its possible to be just friends with women. i leave that up to people who like to argue rather than actually have relationships.

but i will say that you should absolutely make every effort to have females in your life who are just friends. hot, ugly, skinny, fat. of all shapes and sizes.

and here's why - when you go out to meet women, your goal should be to sleep with them, assuming you're looking for a relationship where sex is involved. if you go out looking for friends, don't be surprised if you end up with a girl who says "lets just be friends". she might say it anyway if you go out looking for sex, but the chances of finding what you're looking for increase when you actually look for it.

having female friends in your life will take care of that social neediness inside you that is telling you that you are not attractive, that you are not cool, that you are not funny, and that you have to become or do all those things in order to get the girl. it's bullshit.

you do not have to attract, act cool, or entertain in order to get laid. but your belief in yourself as an attractive, worthy man is essential to taking the steps necessary to get laid. and that is more likely to happen when you have a strong social network that satisfies that urge in you to "be social" and impress her with your "social skillZ". you would not have friends if you weren't worth having as a friend. and once you realize this, you are less likely to try to prove it.

think of the kung fu master who gives up fighting others because he realizes his greatest opponent is himself. he has nothing left to prove.

when you have friends, you are less likely to go out to make friends. when you have female friends, your need for having female friends decreases, and because of that, you are less likely to go out to make female friends.

instead, you will seek what you lack - female sexual relations. it's something that is both concious and subconcious. taking care of it on the concious level (making and keeping female friends) will take care of it on the subconcious level (trying to get laid when you do meet an attractive female).

having female friends will make you comfortable being yourself around women and show you that it's not what you say that keeps them in your life. having female friends will also allow you to find out the type of people (and women) you like having in your life.

the problem with guys who don't get laid is that usually they don't have a lot of friends, female or otherwise. this gets them wanting someone in their life who will stay in their life forever and ever. relationships by their nature are transient things, lasting however long you see each other regularly and ending as soon as the people involved go their own separate ways. sure, people keep in touch, but only if they've formed deep emotional (or sexual) connections during the time they spent together. deep emotional connections take a long time to form.

but sexual connections happen much quicker. by having people in your life who you share deep emotional connections with, your need to seek them out decreases. this frees you to focus on making those sexual connections.

if you want to get laid, have more female friends.

"Just Go For It"

here is a message i received with an important lesson i feel all my readers can benefit from. worrying about how to get girls is not what life is about.

Hey Dirkmanley,

I wanted to say that I've always respected your posts, and this email is about how your posts are finally starting to make some real sense to me. For a long time in my life I was a painfully shy guy, but more recently I've started coming out of my shell. I'd say that now I'm pretty confident and enjoy where I'm at in life.

I recently took a bootcamp and it was nice because I went into it with the mentality that I'm going to try my damndest to close. And sure enough I did a decent amount of closing - some #s and some kissing.

Tonight I had a second date with 2 chicks that I met over the bootcamp. I'm really into one of the chicks but I didn't kiss her or anything when I first met her. They took time out of their busy schedule to meet with me and my buddy (who, I should mention, has never taken a bootcamp nor knows very much about JM).

Anyway, we hit up a bar, and I go to talk with the girl I like while my buddy talks to her friend. I chatted with my girl all night long while I waited for IOIs or waited for a right time to SOI her. I'm sure you can guess what happened. No sex.

Dude, tonight I finally realized that my problem isn't that I can't carry a conversation. Trust me, there was plenty of conversation with this chick - there was WAAAAY too much conversation with this chick!

Tonight I realized my problem was that I was too much of a wuss to escalate. Plain and simple. And this is what you've been saying all along in the forum as being a huge key to sex. I realized that once a girl is willing to come out and meet you it pretty much comes down to escalating, and that I was a dumbass for waiting for her to, in essence, give me permission to escalate. I was waiting for IOIs. The mere fact that she showed up was all the evidence I needed to make a move.

You know what the funny thing was about tonight? My wing, who only knows enough about JM to know that you gotta make it sexual, chatted with my "target's" friend and quickly brought the subject to sex and fun stuff like that. He was touching her like crazy. Isn't it crazy that when you boil it down he really understands JM better than I do, even thought I've read the ebook and taken the bootcamp? Hah!

Anyway, I've learned my lesson, man. I've got 2 of your Big 3 down. I'm living the life I want and I talk to the people I want to talk to. Now it's time to man up and escalate on these women. While the bootcamp taught me a thing or two about projecting the right vibe when doing a cold approach, I think that all of that is meaningless if you don't make a move.

I used to go nuts when I read your posts because I felt you'd almost always answer forum questions with answers that boiled down to "make a move on her." I craved "game" and "conversational skills" but tonight both my lack of escalation and my friend's willingness to take risks showed me that in the end that stuff won't get you the girl. I'm spending tonight alone when that didn't need to be the case.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for a while now. The bottom line is that I think you're the man for boiling down "game" to 3 simple rules and that I now have a better appreciation for the need to take risks and make a move, even in the absence of IOIs.

Thanks,
-XXXX

i highlighted what i found funny. thanks for letting me share, XXXX. i hope others learn from it what you already have.

Barely Legal

I received the following email from a reader asking for advice on whether he should sleep with a younger co-worker:

Heya D.,

Your posts always help me out. I have always liked the no nonsense, simple, and non-mystical way you have of seeing things. Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that there's this new co-worker at work, and she's hot. I mean super-fucking hot. And she's into me. And I like her. Not like I wanna marry her or anything. It's just that it's fun flirting with her (and she gets my dick hard). The problem is that she's 18. My experience with 18 year olds haven't been good. It's not that we don't get along; it's just that, well, the sex sucks.

I've fucked girls ranging from 18 to 40. With girls who are one night stands, the sex was guaranteed to be good if they were 30 or older. But if they were 22 or younger, the sex depended on their maturity level and sexual experience. I've even found that girls with more sexual experience than me but younger than 22 were still passive in bed. Unless we fucked more than a couple of times, but by that point, their personalities started to wear thin on me. And my policy is that I shouldn't have to put up with lame people for good sex when I can meet girls with great personalities who are good in bed and hot. It's one thing if she's a one night stand, but another if I'm going to be fucking her multiple times. And sometimes you just know from the minute you start talking.

However, I still want to fuck my 18 year old co-worker. What should I do?

Stay awesome,

Confused

Hey Confused,

Fuck her. Seriously. If she's legal and it's consensual, fuck her.

The fact that she's able to get you hard means there's something in you that isn't satisfied with the idea that sex with younger girls is bad. When I see an 18 year old girl, I'm immediately reminded of my mediocre sexual experiences. And that makes it hard for me to get hard. I have to want to have sex with a girl in order to have sex with her. Even if I wasn't in a committed relationship right now, I'd stay away from 18 year olds.

I know it sounds wrong and bigoted, but you have the right to be discriminating when it comes to your sex life. If you don't like shy girls, rude girls, overweight girls or whatever else type you consider a deal breaker, you don't sleep with them. And it's the same with age. There's nothing wrong with discriminating based on age. Does that mean all 18 year olds are bad in bed? No. Just like some overweight, shy, or bitchy girls are sexy in their own way. But discriminating factors provide a shorthand that allows you to make quick judgments about who you'll try to sleep with and who you won't because your time is valuable to yourself if not anyone else.

However my answer is the same--fuck her. The fact that you are seriously considering fucking her, fuck her. Fuck all the 18 year old girls it takes to get them out of your system. Always trust your instincts. If she makes your dick hard, fuck her.

When you finally get sick of 18 year olds and truly believe them to be bad in bed, they won't be able to turn you on unless they start acting in ways that turn you on. You need to get in there, roll your sleeves up, and figure out what it truly is that turns you on in a woman besides her looks and the fact that she flirts back.

If that's all it takes, there's nothing wrong with that. But at least you'll know for sure what it takes. And that makes it easier to find what you want.