What I Am

In my last post, I addressed what I am not advocating.

In this post, I'll address what I am - fun.

The way I see it, there are two ways of having fun:

1. with words
2. with actions

Words

Imagine the following situation, you're walking on the beach and see an attractive woman staring at the sunset. She can see you. In fact, as you look at her, you get the sense she's checking you out while pretending not to. How do you approach?

You can walk up and say hi and talk about how beautiful the sunset is. And if you're smart and flirtatious, you will immediately say just after that, "not as beautiful as you." Then you'll both laugh and you'll admit "that was cheesy, but true." And if you're like me, you might try to explain some more "I'm just saying, I'd rather look at you naked than a sunset" while holding back your laughter but not a smile.

Or, you can do what I did and simply shout "I'm better looking than that sunset" - it was the first thing that came to my mind.

Actions

You're on a first date. You're having a polite get-to-know each other conversation about work or childhood, or something else you could have with your grandmother. She says something funny once in a while and you laugh. You say something funny when it comes naturally to you and she laughs and caresses your shoulder while pretending to slap it. Maybe a little too much because what you said isn't all that funny.

But that's natural too because your knees are touching one another and your hand is on the inside of her thigh. And when you talk, you're whispering in her ears. Perhaps your nose brushes her lobes once in a while.

Or maybe you're sitting across from her, unable to touch her. And while you get to know each other, you stare into her eyes. Your fingers run down your lips and neck, as they would on her if you were in bed naked with each other.

Conclusion

What you should take away from this post is not that when picking up girls you should have fun with words and when on a date have fun with actions.

What you should take away from this post is that you should have fun in a way that expresses your interest all the time.

Sometimes your interest is that of distinterest - you are not attracted. Do not stick around pretending to be. Sometimes using words comes more naturally than actions to express your desire for her. Sometimes actions are more natural.

Whatever the method, the end goal is the same - have fun. Go big or go home. Life is too short to be timid and boring. Be clear about what you want. And have fun doing it. Make it a game.

As I said to another reader, you have to test her to see if she's any fun. But the ONLY way to do that is by having fun yourself with and without her. Are you going to bore yourself to death just because she's not with you?

NO! Fuck that. Have fun without her. If she's any good for you, she'll enjoy what you do to have fun. If she's not, she'll get out of the way. But that requires you actually have fun regardless of what she's into.

It's your life. Step one of the big three is living your life. And do you want a boring life?

Think of it this way - you're part of a night cleaning crew at an office or whatever. Do you just do your job and leave, quickly, quietly? Or do you try to have fun within the limits you have?

I know if I was stuck doing the same mindless job every day, I'd find ways to have fun, ways to entertain myself, without breaking any of the rules. If the rules are too restrictive, I'd find another job. Life is about making myself happy, not being a slave to others.

If you think of girls as a numbers game, that means you have to approach and date a lot of women to find the one. You can make it boring. Or you can find ways to entertain yourself.

You're not going to scare of any chick you actually want by doing so.

Because the chicks you actually want will be into whatever you do to entertain yourself. And that's the point. You want to scare off anyone who is not into you. Whoever remains, well, she actually enjoys your company. But that requires you entertaining yourself, as opposed to doing something to "win her" or worse, "not scare her."

You don't want to break any rules, like raping her, assaulting her, stealing from her, or drugging her. And if you're sane and normal, those won't even be options for you. But that still leaves a lot of room to have fun with.

As a tip, I'll say the easiest way I know how to have fun is to be honest. Approaching brutally honest, but I don't like the word brutal. I don't think of the truth as brutal. But I can be blunt. And I often enjoy it. And being a genuinely nice guy, I find it hard to deliver the truth in a mean way.

If I'm sexually attracted to someone, I'm blunt about it - with words AND actions.

Now.

Are you going to approach 100 women and use the exact same boring line starting with "excuse me"?

Or are you going to approach 100 women and try to have fun each time?

Leading pt 2

Moves are like an earthquake. Making a move changes things. You cannot expect to make a move and expect no one to notice, least of all the girl you're putting the moves on.

But that's a good thing. Because how she handles it tells you whether she's into it or not.

If making a move was covert and indistinguishable from not making a move, she would have nothing to react to before it was actually happening.

That would be like a stand-up comedian just saying punchlines without the setup. Just plain weird.

Watch this clip from Season 4 of Weeds.

http://seriesspoilers.com/video/6326/Weeds-4x7/ (about 11:05 in)

That Whore!

Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Karen Owen's Fuck List has made the rounds, and everyone has an opinion.

I'm not going to comment on the name calling or the opinions of others. I'm not even going to comment on her ranking of the guys she hooked up with or how she ranked them.

I will however point out one simple fact - loser and winner alike, all the guys she slept with made the first move. They were unambiguous in their words and actions. Often times, it was the cleverly worded "let's fuck" or "you've got a great rack" along with physically grabbing her.

In some cases, personality defects, disagreeableness and national origin didn't stop her from sleeping with the guy. She hooked up anyway and regretted it later.

And those guys who made a move but still didn't hook up with her - they're probably glad they dodged that bullet. She wrote nothing about them, they lost nothing by making a move and they probably all have healthy and full sex lives despite not banging Karen Owen.

But not in a single case did she make the first move, even if, for the sake of argument, she is the biggest slut on the planet (a label I don't attach to her).

And that's important to remember.

My advice to those reading - do not try to be any girl's 12 out of 10. Her ranking of you is based on several factors, subjective factors. Instead, make a move and let her rank you after you get yours. In the worst case, you got yours. In the best case, you found someone who values you just the way you are, with zero effort spent on "self-improvement".

Because no matter how big a slut a girl is, she will rarely make the first move.

How to Get Girls, the movie

Many guys in the community use movies to illustrate what a ladies man looks and acts like.

The sad part is that they use modern movies where guys don't make moves. They talk their way into a girls pants or use their looks. The problem with that is, it's fake. Brad Pitt might be able to get Flo the waitress to make a move on him. But he had to man up and make a move to get Jennifer and Angelina. And they're not going to show you that in a movie. Not when the people making movies simply have to announce what they do to get panties to drop.

If you're looking for men to model yourself after, stay away from current actors. No George Clooney, no Brad Pitt, and certainly not Matt Damon. I like Meet Joe Black as much as the next guy. But it's not what's going to get you a girl.

Instead, sign up for a Netflix account and get your hands on every Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart, and Kirk Douglas movie you can.

Get over the fact that they're black and white and shot almost 80 years ago. Human nature is timeless, and if you want to learn how to be a take charge kind of guy, they're the ones to show you...in a movie.

They each have something modern society loves to hate and hates to love (but still secretly desires) - masculinity.

Graduation Day

This made me smile.

Man, shit's been good the last week or two. I always wondered what it was that other guys seemed to have that I didn't. I think I figured it out. You strip away any agenda, or any thoughts of manipulation and replace it with honesty. From there, you just tell people your desires and sift out the ones that aren't on board, to just the ones that are. You express yourself freely and without any second guessing, because you do so without requiring any response. I'm still anxious at times, but I'm content. I've never been more content and comfortable communicating with people, than probably my childhood.

Shot off a couple texts tonight, to two different chicks. One didn't respond, the other I told I wanted to meet up and make out (after hardly talking to her in months), and we ended up doing that and more at her place.

He has arrived. Whose next?

Sex Tip#2

The easiest "move" for kissing is to say "come here" as if you were whispering it and then put your lips to hers.

Rejection

Quit fearing rejection.

Rejection is a good thing.

It means you did what you wanted and she wasn't with it, which means she isn't what you want.

If you're not getting rejected, it means you're not doing it right.

Now, if you're doing what you want and getting what you want, this doesn't apply to you. You probably don't have a perfect batting average, but that's my point.

You don't get every girl. But if you go after every girl you find attractive, some will reject you and some will sleep with you and some will marry you and one won't divorce you.

If you're not getting laid and no girl has turned down your advances, it's because you have not made clear, unambiguous moves towards getting into her panties.

Reach for her crotch. If she turns you down, she's rejected you. If she lets you touch her, you're in. But you can't get there if you fear rejection and don't make the move.

Think of it this way, even if she rejects you, you're no worse off than you started. In fact you're better off because you acted like a man for once.

Safety and Boredom part 2

In the first part, I showed how boredom in relationships came from feelings of insecurity, not feelings of safety.

The same applies to picking up chicas as a single guy. The more secure you are in who you are, the more risks you will take. The more risks you take (such as making your sexual desires known), the more likely you are to get laid.

Likewise, the more insecure your are about yourself, the less chances you take. Any tiny hint of rejection or failure would crush your ego and self esteem, so to keep the status quo (no sex, but no rejection either), you refuse to take a risk and put yourself out there.

To summarize - the more confident you are, the more likely you are to risk rejection, the more likely you get laid (or whatever else it is you go after). The less confident you are, the less like you are to risk rejection, and the less likely you are to get a girl (or whatever else it is you go after).

Quit doubting whether you are good enough for something, go after it and let it reject you.

waving the virgin flag

Hey Dirk!

I've been thinking about some suggestions for your blog. Here's one of my personal BIG hangups: my lack of sexual experience, and lack of serious relationships. I feel like i don't have a "sexual identity", because of my lack of experience with having sex with women, and having relationships. I feel a lot like i have to hide this, since that seems like the smartest thing to do. I have a feeling women and people in general can SMELL it, though. I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women). The only girls i can more or less feel completely no shyness towards, are the ones i'm not attracted to :-)

You can't exactly brag to everybody you're an almost virgin, and have only had sex with prostitutes. With me personally, this comes along with a feeling of "unworthiness in the world of having sex with beautiful women".

So, i guess my suggestion for one of your blog posts would be, how you, Dirk Manley, would handle being a virgin in his late twenties, or having a big lack of experience with women in general. I presume having read your posts, you'll say it doesn't really matter if you focus on what you want, but i'm curious what you would have to say about this subject.

Rock on dude, and thanks again for your blog posts!

Pieter

hey pieter,

admitting your problem is the first step towards fixing it. if you don't know what to fix, how can you fix it?

i too lost my virginity in my mid-twenties. so i can understand the fear that comes with not knowing how she will react and the confusion that comes from not knowing what to do.

but the solution is simple, fortunately. you even guessed correctly at my response about focusing on what you want. but there is a big difference between focusing on what you want and actually getting it. it is possible to focus on your desires and go about it in entirely complicated and unproductive ways. as a reader of my posts, you should understand i also advocate keeping it simple. tell her what you wrote here so brilliantly and seductively:

I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women).

i can't imagine any woman not wetting herself and raping you when she hears that your desire for her is so much you can't function normally. i have never advocated being cool, funny, or charming. the idea that you have to earn the right to speak your mind is not an idea i promote. you have to do no tricks to say what you said above. the rest is manning up and realizing actions speak louder than words. so even if she doesn't ravish you herself, if she doesn't run away, it's her way of saying "try me". she is giving you permission to have your way with her.

i can't tell you why you should feel worthy of women. that's something you have to figure out and decide. but i bet there are incredibly attractive women who do look at you and think you are incredibly attractive. and it's your job to find out who those women are by making the first move.

if you still find yourself unable to go after what you want, work your way up starting with women you feel comfortable around, even if they are unattractive by other's standards. all that really matters is that she turns you on. each subsequent woman should be more attractive than the last. this way you get comfortable with the process from pick up to clean up.

see my post on being a man. the responsibility to get what you want is yours. let go of the idea of being perfect, smooth, or worthy.