Grow a Beard and Dress like a Bum

Okay, not really. But quit doing things just because you think they'll help you get girls. Usually, the exact opposite (ie, not giving a shit) works better.

For example, I was grabbing a beer with some friends, and while waiting for our next round at the bar, I noticed several hot girls stand beside me to order while casually making conversation. There were several other spots they could have stood as it was a Wednesday night and the bar was next to dead.

I forgot to mention I was wearing a grey sweatshirt and a 2 month old beard. Maybe these chicks just happened to be into guys with beards. Maybe they dug I wasn't wearing a gay muscle shirt. Or maybe they were just horny and I seemed a sure thing.

It's happened to me several times in the past. I don't dress nice. I dress comfortable. I don't care about gelling up my hair or shaving or anything fancy. I don't even wear shoes, choosing flip flops instead.

And girls come talk to me. I can't explain it, but I know that when I shave, comb my hair, wear nice pants and shirts, and shoes, I have to go up and talk to girls. And I notice that the reason I do those things is because I'm planning to go talk to girls.

It's when I don't give a shit that they talk to me. Then my instincts take over.

The Evolutionary Perspective

I'm not going to write about why girls are attracted to certain types of guys and how that relates to our evolutionary biology. But an interesting book on the topic is Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.

I am instead going to write about how predators adapt to their situation and how that relates to guys picking up girls.

For example, there are a variety of big cat predators. The lion and the tiger the most obvious. But the way they look and move are as much a result of genetics as they are a result of their surroundings. One lives in the open plains of Africa, the other in the jungles of Asia. One preys on gazelles and zebras, the other on antelope and elephants. Different needs resulted in different methods and structures to ensure the same thing - survival of the species.

In relation to getting girls, guys in different situations develop different methods towards achieving the same ends - regular sex.

For example, a friend of mine used to work as a cashier at a retail giant. Every shift, he'd have a line of girls waiting to flirt with him. Well, pay for the products they wanted. But because he didn't give a shit about his job or the pay, the fringe benefits were what kept him around. At the end of every shift, he'd have 2-3 numbers and 1-2 dates at the end of every week. He got them by flirting with every reasonably attractive female customer. Sometimes he'd talk about their purchases, sometimes by trying to get them to buy something else. And sometimes simply by blurting it out. He didn't have a lot of time to get to know a person, so he had to keep it short and snappy. Despite being an introvert, on the clock, he was outgoing and friendly. No customer complaints in either department.

Another friend of mine works 60-70hrs a week. He doesn't have time to meet girls except for when he's driving. He has even less time than the friend above. When he sees a cute girl in the car beside him, he doesn't waste any time. The window comes down and he asks if she's single. Regardless of her answer, he then asks for her number. Some girls dig his car. It's nothing special. But it's well taken care of. Some girls dig his confidence and cut to the chase attitude. Some girls think he's cute. And some think he's hilarious simply because he's so playful about it.

Frat boys tend to "hook up" with sorority girls. CEOs and political leaders tend to be married and/or use escorts or interns. Different circumstances breed different methods. In other words, your lifestyle affects who you get and how you get them.

Some lifestyles are better suited to monogamy. Some, despite the best intentions of those involved, tend to be better suited to more promiscuous sex.

And even within those confines, who they sleep with and how they end up sleeping with them vary even more.

I believe in being direct and cutting to the chase because it worked for me and my lifestyle. I am in a monogamous relationship now because it currently works best for me.

Your goal is to find what works for you. If you are in college, hooking up rather than dating is probably better suited to you. But that assumes you're in places convenient to hooking up. Maybe traditionally dating better suits your lifestyle despite being in a situation that encourages other manners of procreation, such as being indirect or playing it slow and smooth.

There is no one size fits all method. But if you find a method you are able to use confidently and consistently, it will eliminate the bad prospects (most likely in the form of them rejecting you) and attract those who dig that about you.

In other words, no matter what method you use, rejection happens. It's a necessary part of the process. And seeking to avoid rejection is seeking to avoid any method and likely to result in no success.

Leading pt 3

This past Halloween weekend, a couple of friends, me, and my girlfriend went to a different part of town to celebrate. I was particularly excited because my girl seemed into the idea of hooking up with a girl on Halloween. And bar hopping seemed best suited to such an event.

Now, while I try to pick up chicks for my friends, I'm rusty in terms of getting girls for myself. It's been over two years for me.

However, my enthusiasm rather than my fears prevailed.

I felt I talked too much with the first chick. As I was getting a drink at the bar, I happen to notice a cute girl sitting next to me. I sniffed her hair. Not subtly, but not too over the top either. Just enough so that she'd notice.

As a man, it's important to know what girls like. But not too much either. For example, it's important to know most girls like having their hair pulled and enjoy sex. But you don't want to know too much either. To keep the element of mystery and discovery alive.

Standing close to a man and having him inhale her is one of those things every man should know about every girl. She likes it. She likes being touched. But knowing where every woman likes to be sniffed and touched - that's something you have to find out in the moment and not try to research before hand. Just as reading the dictionary can be fun, so can exploring her body.

And that's all I did. I sniffed her hair. It smelled of coconut. I love coconut. So that's what I said. My questions were purely logistical because that's all I cared about. And she seemed into me. Where I think I screwed up was when I asked if she was available. Sometimes it makes sense to ask that question. Like when getting a phone number. Because you don't want to call her or be too overt in case her boyfriend sees her phone.

But it doesn't make sense for a one night stand. If she's not interested or not available, she just won't follow. If she is, reminding her she has a boyfriend is shooting yourself in the foot. I don't care much for "social intelligence" but I do put a big emphasis on common sense. This falls in the latter. I shot myself in the foot.

She said maybe, that depends on whose asking. I was pretty blunt when I said I was. She said "I'm not". It wasn't easy to hear, but it was honest. And while I can look at it like I just saved some time, I can't help but feel like if I hadn't asked about her availability and just led, we'd have hooked up that night.

I exited graciously and on to the next one.

I met her at another bar. Similar situation. I was at the bar ordering a drink. It was crowded and I saw her sitting next to me. A chance for me to redeem myself.

I look at her. She doesn't see me. I feel her shoulder. Strong. She looked me. I ask her what she's supposed to be. Nothing. She didn't dress up. I tell her that's lame. Even I dressed up. I didn't do much, but I dressed up.

Now, I could have spent the next fifteen minutes talking about costumes and coming up with fake characters she could claim she dressed up as. But I remembered the downfalls of talking too much. And I was more excited in the possibility of a threesome. My most immediate concern got my attention.

I stuck my head into her neck on the side opposite me. My hand may have rested on her thigh as I did this. When I first noticed her, I loved her head-crushing thighs and told myself I had to touch them before the night was over. One goal accomplished. She smelled nice. I told her this.

She didn't know what to say. Logistical questions again. Who are you here with? How far do you live. I don't mention my girlfriend. But I know she's watching, waiting.

I smell her again and plant a small kiss on her neck. This time I stare. I just look deep into her eyes. Feeling her out. Seeing what she's thinking. But more importantly, I let my eyes do the talking for me. And they said I want to smell the rest of her.

It lasts maybe 5 seconds. I think she knows what I want. To see if she wants it too, I grab her hands and walk towards the exit, where my girl is. With my other hand, I grab my girlfriend's and walk out. When out the door, I asked her "which way"?

We walked silently and swiftly to her place. As she opened the door, my girlfriend pushed her in and started making out. We walked inside. Her roommates weren't home. Or she lived alone. I didn't know at the time. But the couch was free. I cleared up some space for us and removed my shirt. When their clothes came off, it was glorious.

So what separated the two outcomes?

Was the first girl not into me? Maybe. No. Definitely. She lost interest in me when I asked if she was available. She was reminded of her relationship situation and didn't want me any more. Had she been single, maybe she'd have joined us. But maybe not.

But the lesson I took away from that was I did not lead. I asked her permission to lead her. You don't ask, you just do it.

I lucked out with the other girl. I didn't ask her if she wanted me. I told her I want her, and then led her. If she didn't want me, she would have stopped me.

It wasn't the fact that some guy just sniffed her and dragged her out. It was that I sniffed her and dragged her out.

The only reason she followed was because she was attracted to me. Either to my looks or to my behaviors. Or more likely, some combination of the two.

And she was into the idea of sex with me and my girlfriend (she wasn't drunk), so she followed. Had she not been into it, I'd have let her go. If she hesitated, I'd have tried to sell her, by amping up the sexual tension. But if she still backed off, I'd have let her go.

It might not be something I do in a grocery store. But I wouldn't feel the same in a grocery store. If I felt such overwhelming desire for someone, I'd do it. It doesn't guarantee she'd accept my advances, but I'd have made my desires clear.

Leading is going after what you want, simply, directly, and not asking for permission. It doesn't guarantee success, but it makes success an option, something following doesn't do.

Stop Blaming Others

In addition to not blaming yourself when a girl doesn't accept your advances, you have to stop blaming others for "cockblocking" you.

Nothing bothers me more than when a guy says he didn't get the girl because his friends started talking to him or some strangers started talking to the girl he was interested in or that her friend pulled her away from him.

Not being able to take responsibility for your own short comings is probably why the girl, and people in general, are fine with not spending time with you. When you stop blaming others for your not getting laid, perhaps you will be able to find ways to get laid despite the obstacles you may have to face.

Everyone has obstacles, but there are those who get over them and there are those who blame them. A blamer doesn't get over his obstacles. He wallows in self-pity and bitterness. And I can't think of a lot of people who enjoy being around bitter people.

Graduation Day

This made me smile.

Man, shit's been good the last week or two. I always wondered what it was that other guys seemed to have that I didn't. I think I figured it out. You strip away any agenda, or any thoughts of manipulation and replace it with honesty. From there, you just tell people your desires and sift out the ones that aren't on board, to just the ones that are. You express yourself freely and without any second guessing, because you do so without requiring any response. I'm still anxious at times, but I'm content. I've never been more content and comfortable communicating with people, than probably my childhood.

Shot off a couple texts tonight, to two different chicks. One didn't respond, the other I told I wanted to meet up and make out (after hardly talking to her in months), and we ended up doing that and more at her place.

He has arrived. Whose next?

Negotiation 101

Basics of Negotiation:

1) Ask for the most that you want and more
2) Decide if the most you can get is enough
3) Agree to terms or walk away

Examples:

When negotiating your salary at a new job:

1) You want $60K a year
2) You ask for $75K a year
3) They offer at $50K plus a generous benefits package

When with a girl:

1) You want sex
2) You ask her back to your place
3) She gives you her number instead
4) You propose a date Friday instead of taking a number
5) She agrees
6) You take number

How not to negotiate:

1) Ask for less than what you want
2) Hope and pray you can get more

Examples:

When negotiating your salary at a new job:

1) You want $60k a year
2) You ask for $40K a year
3) They say okay
4) You missed out on $50K a year plus benefits

When with a girl:

1) You want sex
2) You ask for her number
3) She says okay
4) You have number but no date
5) She's clueless about your intentions

Of course, going for a number and escalating later is a viable option with women.

But that's called escalating, not negotiating. As a man, you must learn both. As a woman too.

Why you fear rejection

I made an interesting observation recently. A month ago, I decided to "retire" a couple of the places, I used to go to for fast food and coffee. I'd go there to interact with the female staff that I found attractive. I'd rarely try to close, mostly opting for passive awkward conversation, of me trying to be clever or run game. It was hit or miss, approval seeking and I was tired of doing it and being reminded of my history with it.

I decided to start going to a different local Starbucks, to get coffee and read at regularly. I also decided to stop acting clever and instead, be in the moment aka let my mood fluctuate naturally.

I noticed quickly that I got into just as many, or more conversations, with the staff and fellow customers, as I had before, at the other Starbucks, when I'd tried to be clever/tailor my attitude to whatever I thought would win peoples affection. This time it felt natural and I didn't feel like a fraud and self-conscious, when my "act" didn't pan out.

Most importantly, the people I gelled with naturally, became that much more clear to me.

That part in bold is important. When you put on an act, when you try something you feel is fake, you feel bad when it fails. When you let things occur naturally, with no false pretenses, no "game", failure doesn't feel bad. And the connections you make are far more real and solid.

Be real, be natural, quit putting on an act. You don't have to earn her number. You just have to ask for it. You don't have to wow her, you just have to talk to her. If it works, it will be solid. If it doesn't, you won't feel bad about it.

Win/win.

Beauty

I'm curious about your thoughts on beautiful women. What type of beauty you look for. Do you look for a certain level of beauty? How does her personality factor in? Have you ever felt pressure from friends or family, to hook up with a certain kind of women, or level of beauty.

I also remember hearing from a couple former CA instructors that while beautiful women were attainable, they were often a pain in the ass. I've also heard that some beautiful women have low self-esteem. I can also hear you say "They're normal people, like anyone else". :))

They are normal people like anyone else. Some have baggage. Some are a pain in the ass. Some I don't click with, despite being great human beings. And some I get along with despite being bitches to everyone else.

Do I look for a certain level of beauty? Yes. I have to be physically attracted. And yes, there are levels of hotness. So the scale of 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s is accurate to some degree. But the scale itself is subjective. A 7 on my scale might be an 8 or a 9 on someone elses scale, and vice versa. So what someone else considers hot has no bearing on me, and what I consider hot has no bearing on someone else's scale.

Lastly, as I got better with women, I felt no pressure from others to hook up with what they considered 8s, 9s or 10s. That's because I got better with women because I became more sure of what I liked and what I wanted. They go hand in hand - getting what you want and knowing what you want. Outside pressure had little sway on me because I was confident, and confidence got me what I wanted.

Also, I was well aware that beauty fades and that everyone gets bored of sameness. Meaning, no matter how hot the girl, someone somewhere was sick of her. So constantly looking for someone hotter was a waste of time. You have to learn to be happy with what you have.

That's not to say I dated girls who are hideous and learned to like them. Sure, I had drunken hookups to that effect. But, and maybe I was luckier than most, I've dated girls who ranged the whole spectrum of beauty, from the Kiera Knightleys to the Scarlett Johanssons. Some were part time models and struggling actresses some where amateur athletes, some were just hot assistants and store clerks or accountants.

But you can't judge girls through another persons eyes. Being self confident means using your own eyes and your own scale. We all value somethings more than others.

I've heard lots of guys say they'd rather date a 7 with self-confidence than a 10 with none. But I've also heard guys say they only care about looks. And some refuse to settle unless they find a 10 they click with and love and who loves them back. And all points of view are valid.

You have to decide for yourself what you want and what you will settle for. If she makes you happy, quit letting what others think get to you.

What others think may be what's holding you back from taking action and getting what you want in the first place.

After all, it wouldn't be called taking a risk if every thing went your way.

Safety and Boredom part 2

In the first part, I showed how boredom in relationships came from feelings of insecurity, not feelings of safety.

The same applies to picking up chicas as a single guy. The more secure you are in who you are, the more risks you will take. The more risks you take (such as making your sexual desires known), the more likely you are to get laid.

Likewise, the more insecure your are about yourself, the less chances you take. Any tiny hint of rejection or failure would crush your ego and self esteem, so to keep the status quo (no sex, but no rejection either), you refuse to take a risk and put yourself out there.

To summarize - the more confident you are, the more likely you are to risk rejection, the more likely you get laid (or whatever else it is you go after). The less confident you are, the less like you are to risk rejection, and the less likely you are to get a girl (or whatever else it is you go after).

Quit doubting whether you are good enough for something, go after it and let it reject you.

Confidence Revisited

In Juggler's eBook, he says confidence is knowing the girl will like you as she gets to know you. I disagree.

Confidence is knowing that as she gets to know you, she is better situated to reject or accept you further, and regardless of what happens, you're still priceless and will be fine no matter what happens.

how to be comfortable with yourself

in the community, we hear a lot about comfort - that self-confidence is comfort with oneself and you need to build comfort to get her clothes off.

first, no matter what you do, you cannot make her comfortable. she makes herself comfortable, so forget about making her comfortable.

but you can make yourself comfortable. so how do you make yourself comfortable? in the same way you make yourself comfortable in anything else you do, such as lying in a new bed or wearing a pair of new jeans - you get familiar with your surroundings. but to what extent? after all, in a bed, your head lies on the pillow and at the head, not the foot of the bed. there's no point resting your head at the bottom in order to "get familiar" with that bed. and with jeans, there's only one way to wear them. you don't wear them inside out in order to get familiar with them. they stretch and fit the way you use them. they adapt to you and your needs.

it's the same with women. do what you want to do. it sounds easy, because it is. think of it in terms of comfort zones. with something or someone new, your comfort zone is very small. to get more comfortable, you need to stretch your comfort zone.

stretch a little or stretch a lot, depending on how fragile you think something is. start by looking at her, next saying that little joke you want to say but aren't sure is appropriate. then move to touching, see how it feels. keep doing and saying things you'd say anyway, but aren't sure is okay because you are completely familiar with this person's sense of humor, sensibility, etc. you might stretch yourself into something sexual if you're feeling it, you might not. neither is right or wrong.

but you keep stretching your comfort zone until you are able to do exactly what you want when you want without questioning yourself. your bed doesn't judge you for sleeping the way you do. and neither should your woman. you don't adapt to her. she adapts to you.

waving the virgin flag

Hey Dirk!

I've been thinking about some suggestions for your blog. Here's one of my personal BIG hangups: my lack of sexual experience, and lack of serious relationships. I feel like i don't have a "sexual identity", because of my lack of experience with having sex with women, and having relationships. I feel a lot like i have to hide this, since that seems like the smartest thing to do. I have a feeling women and people in general can SMELL it, though. I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women). The only girls i can more or less feel completely no shyness towards, are the ones i'm not attracted to :-)

You can't exactly brag to everybody you're an almost virgin, and have only had sex with prostitutes. With me personally, this comes along with a feeling of "unworthiness in the world of having sex with beautiful women".

So, i guess my suggestion for one of your blog posts would be, how you, Dirk Manley, would handle being a virgin in his late twenties, or having a big lack of experience with women in general. I presume having read your posts, you'll say it doesn't really matter if you focus on what you want, but i'm curious what you would have to say about this subject.

Rock on dude, and thanks again for your blog posts!

Pieter

hey pieter,

admitting your problem is the first step towards fixing it. if you don't know what to fix, how can you fix it?

i too lost my virginity in my mid-twenties. so i can understand the fear that comes with not knowing how she will react and the confusion that comes from not knowing what to do.

but the solution is simple, fortunately. you even guessed correctly at my response about focusing on what you want. but there is a big difference between focusing on what you want and actually getting it. it is possible to focus on your desires and go about it in entirely complicated and unproductive ways. as a reader of my posts, you should understand i also advocate keeping it simple. tell her what you wrote here so brilliantly and seductively:

I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women).

i can't imagine any woman not wetting herself and raping you when she hears that your desire for her is so much you can't function normally. i have never advocated being cool, funny, or charming. the idea that you have to earn the right to speak your mind is not an idea i promote. you have to do no tricks to say what you said above. the rest is manning up and realizing actions speak louder than words. so even if she doesn't ravish you herself, if she doesn't run away, it's her way of saying "try me". she is giving you permission to have your way with her.

i can't tell you why you should feel worthy of women. that's something you have to figure out and decide. but i bet there are incredibly attractive women who do look at you and think you are incredibly attractive. and it's your job to find out who those women are by making the first move.

if you still find yourself unable to go after what you want, work your way up starting with women you feel comfortable around, even if they are unattractive by other's standards. all that really matters is that she turns you on. each subsequent woman should be more attractive than the last. this way you get comfortable with the process from pick up to clean up.

see my post on being a man. the responsibility to get what you want is yours. let go of the idea of being perfect, smooth, or worthy.

why self-improvement is bullshit

the word "self-improvement" by itself and taken literally does not indicate the level of bullshit this industry serves on an hourly basis. the word itself does not show you what a useless pursuit self-improvement truly is.

first lets look at the word. "self-improvement". a harmless word. a great thought. since the dawn of man much of knowledge had to be passed on my teachers. while not necessarily in a formal setting like a classroom, others taught man how to do things like language through writing, how to build a fire through imitation, and more. and we soon realized a more formal system of education was better and more efficient.

but somethings just couldn't be taught in a classroom or weren't available for various reasons. so people sought to do those things for themselves. they'd seek out others who held such knowledge and became their apprentices in the hopes of learning from the best. some just did things on their own until they became really good at it through trial and error. and some of those even wrote books about it, hoping to save others the trouble they went through (and make a few bucks while at it). but the result was that people improved themselves at specific tasks. they improved their ability to make things out of wood, their knowledge of history, their ability to make science projects, or draw 50 different animals.

today, however, the self-improvement industry has lost its way, claiming if you some how improve yourself you'll be better at everything. if you improve yourself, your life will be better. but improve at doing what exactly? and how do you objectively judge the quality of a life? and therein lies the problem with the self-improvement industry and its billions of followers.

have higher self-esteem, says book one, and you'll live a better life. you'll be able to get people to treat you better simply because of your higher self-esteem. think positive, says book two, and you'll be able to do whatever you set your mind to. live in the now, claims book three, and you'll be able to enjoy whatever it is you do.

they speak in generalities. but they don't once consider that perhaps the emotional and mental strength so often seen in the successful follow actually achieving success. whereas the books of old sought to improve ones ability at a specific task, the books of today simply seek to make you feel better about not doing much.

yet there lies the irony. the self-improvement books that seek to make you feel better try to convince you that you need improvement. yet if you are confident, you don't seek out improvement. and if we follow the logic of self-improvement books, which is act as if you are already confident, then you wouldn't be reading the self-improvement books in the first place.

the self-improvement books don't provide any exercises or data with quantifiable results that show improved confidence actually improves one's ability to "be a better person", to "live a better life", or "do whatever one sets his mind to".

they don't bother with the concept of over-confidence which is believing one is capable of more than actually doing.

and that's because confidence and belief in oneself come from actually doing great things. you cannot "improve yourself". the concept is bullshit. but you can improve your ability to do certain tasks. you can improve your knowledge of world war ii. you can improve your ability to draw. you can improve your ability to speak to large crowds. and through accomplishing your goals, you can improve your image of yourself in your own mind and your belief in yourself to do said task as well as any other task you might choose to set your mind and labor to.

but that comes from having quantifiable goals. you have to have something to measure your successes (and failures) against. if you want to "improve with women" or "improve with people" figure out a realistic and measurable way to judge your success.

walking into a room and having every woman swoon at you is not realistic nor measurable (everyone swoons in their own and often unnoticeable ways). having a great conversation with everyone you talk to is not realistic nor measurable (some people are too busy or just bad with conversation themselves).

try these yardsticks of success instead:

1) you have more than one friend who you can call up to hang out with at the last minute.

2) you have more than one friend you can call for help should you ever need help (a ride to the airport, moving, bail money, alibi, etc).

for judging your success with women:

1) you have at least one woman in your life who you consider attractive and who you speak with normally on a regular basis as if she were just another one of your buddies.

2) when you ask out 10 women you find attractive, at least one will say yes.

3) when you try to kiss 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date on, at least one will kiss you back.

4) when you ask 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date with back to your place, at least one will accept, even if she expresses some hesitation at first.

these are the yardsticks i used to measure myself. i did not use how comfortable i felt doing these tasks as a measure of success. i did not use how much they laughed at my jokes more than someone elses jokes. i did not use any subjective measures of my success other than whether i found the women attractive or not and what consisted of a normal conversation.

a normal conversation for me is very different than a normal conversation for you. you might enjoy talking about video games or want to know where the bathroom is. i enjoy talking about football and want to know where the bathroom is.

in short, forget about improving yourself. focus instead on your improved ability to do the things you want to be good at. the good feelings you have for yourself come after that. have quantifiable goals you can measure your success against. a good goal will also clue you in on how to achieve it (hint: by actually trying to do it).

confidence comes from holding yourself accountable, not a book telling you that you simply need to feel good.