In Juggler's eBook, he says confidence is knowing the girl will like you as she gets to know you. I disagree.
Confidence is knowing that as she gets to know you, she is better situated to reject or accept you further, and regardless of what happens, you're still priceless and will be fine no matter what happens.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A rare combination
A combination of what you do and how you do it is attractive to others (see last post). Similarly, what is attractive about others to you is made up of the same components but is rare and difficult to find if you are a person of discriminating taste.
That is, what a girl does (or says) and how she does (or says) it is attractive to various guys and unattractive to various guys, but the girl who is attractive in both the what and how is exceedingly rare.
If you're having difficulty with women, it's for one of two reasons: you either do not make the effort to show interest, or if you do, she isn't up to your standards. The rest of this blog explains how to show interest. But if you've made the legitimate effort to show interest and you still find it difficult to keep a girlfriend, then the issue is that a woman who is good enough for you has not yet been found.
Here is why it is so difficult: she must share similar interests as you. If you like intellectual discussions and she enjoys drinking and reading the gossip pages, it is unlikely you'll stay together long. Yes, women have different interests than guys and expecting her to be your best friend is not what I'm talking about here. And I'm not talking about someone who is exactly like you. She doesn't have to vote the same way you do or be of the same religion or race. Redundancy is boring. But some common ground is essential. I'm talking a shared background such as being from the same state or having similar family values, or sharing interests such as reading or watching movies. If she likes staying in and you like partying all night long, she's not right for you. If she thinks voting is not important and you do, she's probably not right for you. If it feels like you're talking to a wall, she's not right for you.
But common interests aren't enough. How she expresses those interests are key too. Is she unashamed of stating her desires and interests or tentative? Does she put her interests before you? Is she shy about speaking her mind or does she refuse to try new things? It varies from guy to guy and for you, you might like someone more outgoing or more reserved. You might like someone more dominant or someone more submissive. It varies from guy to guy.
But these two qualities aren't enough to label her your girlfriend or consider her girlfriend material. Sure, on paper, she may be exactly what you are looking for. And you know the life you'd live together would be grand. But if she's not into you, the relationship is one sided. You need to find someone else who returns your interest at least as much, and preferably more.
Take these three factors into consideration, and you'll see why its so difficult to choose a long-term mate. Of course, there is no rule saying you have to be celibate in your search for her or that such judgements can be made in the first interaction.
But it is possible to see in the first interaction whether or not you can and do get along well - whether there is any chemistry. If not, it's not you. It's her. Move on.
That is, what a girl does (or says) and how she does (or says) it is attractive to various guys and unattractive to various guys, but the girl who is attractive in both the what and how is exceedingly rare.
If you're having difficulty with women, it's for one of two reasons: you either do not make the effort to show interest, or if you do, she isn't up to your standards. The rest of this blog explains how to show interest. But if you've made the legitimate effort to show interest and you still find it difficult to keep a girlfriend, then the issue is that a woman who is good enough for you has not yet been found.
Here is why it is so difficult: she must share similar interests as you. If you like intellectual discussions and she enjoys drinking and reading the gossip pages, it is unlikely you'll stay together long. Yes, women have different interests than guys and expecting her to be your best friend is not what I'm talking about here. And I'm not talking about someone who is exactly like you. She doesn't have to vote the same way you do or be of the same religion or race. Redundancy is boring. But some common ground is essential. I'm talking a shared background such as being from the same state or having similar family values, or sharing interests such as reading or watching movies. If she likes staying in and you like partying all night long, she's not right for you. If she thinks voting is not important and you do, she's probably not right for you. If it feels like you're talking to a wall, she's not right for you.
But common interests aren't enough. How she expresses those interests are key too. Is she unashamed of stating her desires and interests or tentative? Does she put her interests before you? Is she shy about speaking her mind or does she refuse to try new things? It varies from guy to guy and for you, you might like someone more outgoing or more reserved. You might like someone more dominant or someone more submissive. It varies from guy to guy.
But these two qualities aren't enough to label her your girlfriend or consider her girlfriend material. Sure, on paper, she may be exactly what you are looking for. And you know the life you'd live together would be grand. But if she's not into you, the relationship is one sided. You need to find someone else who returns your interest at least as much, and preferably more.
Take these three factors into consideration, and you'll see why its so difficult to choose a long-term mate. Of course, there is no rule saying you have to be celibate in your search for her or that such judgements can be made in the first interaction.
But it is possible to see in the first interaction whether or not you can and do get along well - whether there is any chemistry. If not, it's not you. It's her. Move on.
Friday, February 26, 2010
What is attractive
In general, there are two things women (and men) find attractive. And that's what you do and how you do it. Those are two separate things - 1) what you do, and 2) how you do it.
Now, what you do is attractive to some people and unattractive to others. If you're a math professor, that will be attractive to some women and unattractive to others. Some will think its nerdy and some think nerdy is hot.
On the same note, just because a woman is not into what you do, she might be into the fact that you just plain do something, that you have a passion, and that you're unashamed of it. You own it, whatever it is. That's confidence.
Of course, some women despise both. That you're into something "weird" and that you're confident about it, that you don't give two shits about what they think about it. They want someone who is submissive and that they can control. If you're into being controlled and told what to do and like to serve others, great, you've found your niche, own it. Be confident about your need to serve and you'll be much better off. But if you have your own opinions, if you have a life you enjoy and are content with, if you enjoy your freedom and self-determination, you're better off without those women.
And the way you test for them is by doing exactly what you want and owning it.
Now, what you do is attractive to some people and unattractive to others. If you're a math professor, that will be attractive to some women and unattractive to others. Some will think its nerdy and some think nerdy is hot.
On the same note, just because a woman is not into what you do, she might be into the fact that you just plain do something, that you have a passion, and that you're unashamed of it. You own it, whatever it is. That's confidence.
Of course, some women despise both. That you're into something "weird" and that you're confident about it, that you don't give two shits about what they think about it. They want someone who is submissive and that they can control. If you're into being controlled and told what to do and like to serve others, great, you've found your niche, own it. Be confident about your need to serve and you'll be much better off. But if you have your own opinions, if you have a life you enjoy and are content with, if you enjoy your freedom and self-determination, you're better off without those women.
And the way you test for them is by doing exactly what you want and owning it.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Conversation Starters
Often times I tell people just to have a normal conversation. But what is a normal conversation?
Honestly, it's hard to answer. And the answer I'm about to give is far from complete. That's why what I'm presenting are conversation starters. They help get the conversation started, but once started, become their own beast. Remember that the next time you have a conversation with anyone, stranger or friend.
The starter I'm going to describe consists of three periods of time - past, present, future. Simple, yes? Good. Simple is what we want. Simple can be molded into a variety of different shapes and sizes.
In terms of conversation, it can range from serious to boring to playful. It can range from events you do to events that do you and things you witness from the sidelines as an indirect passive observer. Remember the three periods - past, present, future.
Past - things you've done, had done to you, or witnessed. For example,
or
Present - things you're doing, are having done to you, or are witnessing. For example,
or
or
Future - things you will do, want to do, will have done to you, or will witness. For example,
or
From there, the conversation either dies or continues into whatever it continues into, depending on how much each person is willing and able to talk to the other. You can't make her want to talk, I'm not going to teach you how.
I can't teach you to make her able to talk either, but I will say ability depends on two things - her level of shyness and outgoing-ness as well as her interest in the topic. If she's interested in what you have to say, it's a pretty good sign she's interested in you to some degree. That's clicking - she clicks with you and what you have to say or do; not the other way around. Make a move when it feels right and if she's interested in that, she'll go with it. If not, she'll free you to find someone who is.
Lastly, it's important to realize that you're sometimes unable to talk to her. Maybe you just have different interests from her. You like science and zombies, she likes fashion and celebrity gossip. At which point you have to decide, are you willing to pretend to be interested in things you hate just to be with her. It's a decision only you can make.
*note, sometimes conversation starts after you make a move. However, whether you make a move or not depends not on your desire to start conversation but rather on your desire to get physical with her regardless of conversation.
**further note, conversation can relate to something said earlier or be completely random. Neither is wrong or right. They just are.
***last note, there is no sequence to this. You might talk about the future before you talk about the past. You might only talk about the present. It's completely random dictated by you and her in the moment by both of your personalities, histories, and surroundings.
Honestly, it's hard to answer. And the answer I'm about to give is far from complete. That's why what I'm presenting are conversation starters. They help get the conversation started, but once started, become their own beast. Remember that the next time you have a conversation with anyone, stranger or friend.
The starter I'm going to describe consists of three periods of time - past, present, future. Simple, yes? Good. Simple is what we want. Simple can be molded into a variety of different shapes and sizes.
In terms of conversation, it can range from serious to boring to playful. It can range from events you do to events that do you and things you witness from the sidelines as an indirect passive observer. Remember the three periods - past, present, future.
Past - things you've done, had done to you, or witnessed. For example,
You: How was your day?
Her: Good.
You: Yeah? What'd you do today?
or
You: Did you watch the news today?
Her: No, why?
You: Zombies are real!
Present - things you're doing, are having done to you, or are witnessing. For example,
You: I'm working on this short story right now.
Her: Cool, what's it about?
or
You: I am so hungry right now, I could eat you!
Her: Like you wouldn't anyway.
You: Depends on how hairy you are.
or
You: What are you listening to?
Her: The Hives.
You: Never heard of them.
Her: Oh.
You: What type of music are they?
Her: Punk.
You: Are they any good?
Her: Yeah, I guess.
You: I mean, before I take your word for it, what other bands do you like?
Her: Just listen and decide for yourself, wiseguy.
Future - things you will do, want to do, will have done to you, or will witness. For example,
You: What are you waiting in line for?
Her: Inglourious Basterds.
You: I thought it was on DVD already.
Her: It's a special re-release with a Q&A with Quentin Tarantino after.
or
You: I want to hunt zombies one day.
Her: What's it with you and zombies?
From there, the conversation either dies or continues into whatever it continues into, depending on how much each person is willing and able to talk to the other. You can't make her want to talk, I'm not going to teach you how.
I can't teach you to make her able to talk either, but I will say ability depends on two things - her level of shyness and outgoing-ness as well as her interest in the topic. If she's interested in what you have to say, it's a pretty good sign she's interested in you to some degree. That's clicking - she clicks with you and what you have to say or do; not the other way around. Make a move when it feels right and if she's interested in that, she'll go with it. If not, she'll free you to find someone who is.
Lastly, it's important to realize that you're sometimes unable to talk to her. Maybe you just have different interests from her. You like science and zombies, she likes fashion and celebrity gossip. At which point you have to decide, are you willing to pretend to be interested in things you hate just to be with her. It's a decision only you can make.
*note, sometimes conversation starts after you make a move. However, whether you make a move or not depends not on your desire to start conversation but rather on your desire to get physical with her regardless of conversation.
**further note, conversation can relate to something said earlier or be completely random. Neither is wrong or right. They just are.
***last note, there is no sequence to this. You might talk about the future before you talk about the past. You might only talk about the present. It's completely random dictated by you and her in the moment by both of your personalities, histories, and surroundings.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
how to be comfortable with yourself
in the community, we hear a lot about comfort - that self-confidence is comfort with oneself and you need to build comfort to get her clothes off.
first, no matter what you do, you cannot make her comfortable. she makes herself comfortable, so forget about making her comfortable.
but you can make yourself comfortable. so how do you make yourself comfortable? in the same way you make yourself comfortable in anything else you do, such as lying in a new bed or wearing a pair of new jeans - you get familiar with your surroundings. but to what extent? after all, in a bed, your head lies on the pillow and at the head, not the foot of the bed. there's no point resting your head at the bottom in order to "get familiar" with that bed. and with jeans, there's only one way to wear them. you don't wear them inside out in order to get familiar with them. they stretch and fit the way you use them. they adapt to you and your needs.
it's the same with women. do what you want to do. it sounds easy, because it is. think of it in terms of comfort zones. with something or someone new, your comfort zone is very small. to get more comfortable, you need to stretch your comfort zone.
stretch a little or stretch a lot, depending on how fragile you think something is. start by looking at her, next saying that little joke you want to say but aren't sure is appropriate. then move to touching, see how it feels. keep doing and saying things you'd say anyway, but aren't sure is okay because you are completely familiar with this person's sense of humor, sensibility, etc. you might stretch yourself into something sexual if you're feeling it, you might not. neither is right or wrong.
but you keep stretching your comfort zone until you are able to do exactly what you want when you want without questioning yourself. your bed doesn't judge you for sleeping the way you do. and neither should your woman. you don't adapt to her. she adapts to you.
first, no matter what you do, you cannot make her comfortable. she makes herself comfortable, so forget about making her comfortable.
but you can make yourself comfortable. so how do you make yourself comfortable? in the same way you make yourself comfortable in anything else you do, such as lying in a new bed or wearing a pair of new jeans - you get familiar with your surroundings. but to what extent? after all, in a bed, your head lies on the pillow and at the head, not the foot of the bed. there's no point resting your head at the bottom in order to "get familiar" with that bed. and with jeans, there's only one way to wear them. you don't wear them inside out in order to get familiar with them. they stretch and fit the way you use them. they adapt to you and your needs.
it's the same with women. do what you want to do. it sounds easy, because it is. think of it in terms of comfort zones. with something or someone new, your comfort zone is very small. to get more comfortable, you need to stretch your comfort zone.
stretch a little or stretch a lot, depending on how fragile you think something is. start by looking at her, next saying that little joke you want to say but aren't sure is appropriate. then move to touching, see how it feels. keep doing and saying things you'd say anyway, but aren't sure is okay because you are completely familiar with this person's sense of humor, sensibility, etc. you might stretch yourself into something sexual if you're feeling it, you might not. neither is right or wrong.
but you keep stretching your comfort zone until you are able to do exactly what you want when you want without questioning yourself. your bed doesn't judge you for sleeping the way you do. and neither should your woman. you don't adapt to her. she adapts to you.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The No Words Kiss
It's New Year's Eve and everyone everywhere is going to be kissing someone. Well not everyone, but just go with it.
Here's how to get yours.
Find a girl who is by herself, single or not (what kind of douche boyfriend isn't by his girl at countdown anyway?). When the countdown ends grab her by the waist and pull her in to you, facing you. She'll be startled. Good. Look at her in the eyes for exactly 1.2 seconds. It should be like you've not eaten in a month and you just spotted a tasty hambgurger with boobs. It's all animal instinct at this point. Then put your lips to hers. Done.
It also works if you do it when the countdown begins and you look in each others eyes as you countdown to the New Year. In fact, it's much more powerful because you're making your intentions known while giving her the chance (a ten second-chance) to push you away while showing how committed you are to kissing her (don't blink, figuratively speaking) - and having her kiss you.
Whereas the end of the countdown pull says you want to kiss, the start of the countdown pull says you want to kiss her. And that kiss is far, far, more passionate.
Happy New Year!
Here's how to get yours.
Find a girl who is by herself, single or not (what kind of douche boyfriend isn't by his girl at countdown anyway?). When the countdown ends grab her by the waist and pull her in to you, facing you. She'll be startled. Good. Look at her in the eyes for exactly 1.2 seconds. It should be like you've not eaten in a month and you just spotted a tasty hambgurger with boobs. It's all animal instinct at this point. Then put your lips to hers. Done.
It also works if you do it when the countdown begins and you look in each others eyes as you countdown to the New Year. In fact, it's much more powerful because you're making your intentions known while giving her the chance (a ten second-chance) to push you away while showing how committed you are to kissing her (don't blink, figuratively speaking) - and having her kiss you.
Whereas the end of the countdown pull says you want to kiss, the start of the countdown pull says you want to kiss her. And that kiss is far, far, more passionate.
Happy New Year!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
When to say "I Love You"
saying "i love you" to my girlfriend for the first time was scary for me. i'd known for a while i'd loved her, but i was too scared to say it. i did not want our relationship to change. did i want to be romantic or a matter-of-fact? did i want to say it after sex or as soon as i saw her? should i say it when she's in a bad mood or in a good mood?
never did i once worry about how she'd react. it's true, she could have felt differently than me. but i was more worried about whether i truly loved her and or whether i just wanted to say it. my biggest worry was that she'd say it before me. in my mind, if she did, she'd be setting the tone of our relationship. and while i'm comfortable with her doing things for and to me, there was a part of me that demanded i stay in control of my destiny. i did not feel i could do that if she said it first.
yet if i truly loved her, it didn't matter who said it first. what she did would not change the fact that i am always in control of me. but if i didn't love her and was just attempting to maintain control, then my saying it would be a lie to myself and her.
so what did i do?
i told myself to forget it. while i did think about her alot when i was apart from her, leading me to believe i loved her, while with her, i never felt the need to say so. it's not because i didn't love her, it's because i was having too much fun to process my feelings for her. spending time with her is like spending time watching my favorite TV show - mindless. i don't mean that in a bad way. it's just means that i do not think about what's going on inside me when i'm with her. i just be. i go with the flow.
i figured if i truly loved her, the right time would present itself. i decided not to think about how to say it, i'd just say it when it felt right.
when we saw each other again, we fell into our groove and i forgot all about my worries. then we were horsing around, wrestling naked. i pinned her, looked deep into her eyes and mouthed the three magic words. she mouthed "i know" and kissed me. then she pulled my hair and did a reversal, pinning me on my back. by this point i'd forgotten about it and we wrestled some more and had some of the best sex of my life.
as we cuddled, she told me she loved me too. i said, "you said it first. you lose." she punched me in the arm and we did it again.
never did i once worry about how she'd react. it's true, she could have felt differently than me. but i was more worried about whether i truly loved her and or whether i just wanted to say it. my biggest worry was that she'd say it before me. in my mind, if she did, she'd be setting the tone of our relationship. and while i'm comfortable with her doing things for and to me, there was a part of me that demanded i stay in control of my destiny. i did not feel i could do that if she said it first.
yet if i truly loved her, it didn't matter who said it first. what she did would not change the fact that i am always in control of me. but if i didn't love her and was just attempting to maintain control, then my saying it would be a lie to myself and her.
so what did i do?
i told myself to forget it. while i did think about her alot when i was apart from her, leading me to believe i loved her, while with her, i never felt the need to say so. it's not because i didn't love her, it's because i was having too much fun to process my feelings for her. spending time with her is like spending time watching my favorite TV show - mindless. i don't mean that in a bad way. it's just means that i do not think about what's going on inside me when i'm with her. i just be. i go with the flow.
i figured if i truly loved her, the right time would present itself. i decided not to think about how to say it, i'd just say it when it felt right.
when we saw each other again, we fell into our groove and i forgot all about my worries. then we were horsing around, wrestling naked. i pinned her, looked deep into her eyes and mouthed the three magic words. she mouthed "i know" and kissed me. then she pulled my hair and did a reversal, pinning me on my back. by this point i'd forgotten about it and we wrestled some more and had some of the best sex of my life.
as we cuddled, she told me she loved me too. i said, "you said it first. you lose." she punched me in the arm and we did it again.
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