Looming Breakup

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for your advice over the years. Ten months ago, I met the most amazing woman. The "one" for me. I'd been with a lot of women before, but never had I met one that made me feel so good about being myself. Then she dropped a bombshell on me. She's moving to Australia at the start of the new year to go to med school. At first, we tried to figure out if I could move with her. But my family and career is here. It's not something I can do over there. And she cannot simply waste another year trying to get into med school here.

Neither of us can go without sex too long. In fact, our relationship was what it was (and is) because we are so freaky. Freaky, but exclusive and committed. She is my lover, my best friend, and my confidant.

We've decided to visit each other and remain friends (with benefits if the chemistry is still there) and get back together after she finishes and moves back if we've both not found anyone better. But I have no idea how to deal with the loss once she moves. I went monogamous because I had no extreme desire to fuck other women after being with her. How do I go back to being single? The thought of finding someone to replace her repulses me. I feel like the universe is against me.

Sorry to hear about your situation. But the universe is not against you. The universe doesn't even know you exist. If she is truly the one for you, you'll end up together somehow. Four years is a long time, and time heals all wounds.

Remember, things are going to end up however they are supposed to. It's up to us to make the best of them. Embrace your singlehood. And keep an open heart. While no one can ever replace her, no one should replace her and you should not try to find a replacement. All good things come to an end. And just as you cannot buy a new pup to replace a dead pet, you cannot get a new girl to replace the old. But you can forge new relationships.

Cherish the time you had. Keep her in your life is feasible. But don't live in the past. Keep moving forward. Don't avoid getting into other relationships, and don't try to jump into one just to be in one. Know that by making the best of your life from this point forward, you'll find happiness sooner than you think.

I'm sorry I have no better advice for you as I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Perhaps other readers can offer you more insight.

Conversation Starters

Often times I tell people just to have a normal conversation. But what is a normal conversation?

Honestly, it's hard to answer. And the answer I'm about to give is far from complete. That's why what I'm presenting are conversation starters. They help get the conversation started, but once started, become their own beast. Remember that the next time you have a conversation with anyone, stranger or friend.

The starter I'm going to describe consists of three periods of time - past, present, future. Simple, yes? Good. Simple is what we want. Simple can be molded into a variety of different shapes and sizes.

In terms of conversation, it can range from serious to boring to playful. It can range from events you do to events that do you and things you witness from the sidelines as an indirect passive observer. Remember the three periods - past, present, future.

Past - things you've done, had done to you, or witnessed. For example,

You: How was your day?
Her: Good.
You: Yeah? What'd you do today?

or

You: Did you watch the news today?
Her: No, why?
You: Zombies are real!

Present - things you're doing, are having done to you, or are witnessing. For example,

You: I'm working on this short story right now.
Her: Cool, what's it about?

or

You: I am so hungry right now, I could eat you!
Her: Like you wouldn't anyway.
You: Depends on how hairy you are.

or

You: What are you listening to?
Her: The Hives.
You: Never heard of them.
Her: Oh.
You: What type of music are they?
Her: Punk.
You: Are they any good?
Her: Yeah, I guess.
You: I mean, before I take your word for it, what other bands do you like?
Her: Just listen and decide for yourself, wiseguy.

Future - things you will do, want to do, will have done to you, or will witness. For example,

You: What are you waiting in line for?
Her: Inglourious Basterds.
You: I thought it was on DVD already.
Her: It's a special re-release with a Q&A with Quentin Tarantino after.

or

You: I want to hunt zombies one day.
Her: What's it with you and zombies?

From there, the conversation either dies or continues into whatever it continues into, depending on how much each person is willing and able to talk to the other. You can't make her want to talk, I'm not going to teach you how.

I can't teach you to make her able to talk either, but I will say ability depends on two things - her level of shyness and outgoing-ness as well as her interest in the topic. If she's interested in what you have to say, it's a pretty good sign she's interested in you to some degree. That's clicking - she clicks with you and what you have to say or do; not the other way around. Make a move when it feels right and if she's interested in that, she'll go with it. If not, she'll free you to find someone who is.

Lastly, it's important to realize that you're sometimes unable to talk to her. Maybe you just have different interests from her. You like science and zombies, she likes fashion and celebrity gossip. At which point you have to decide, are you willing to pretend to be interested in things you hate just to be with her. It's a decision only you can make.

*note, sometimes conversation starts after you make a move. However, whether you make a move or not depends not on your desire to start conversation but rather on your desire to get physical with her regardless of conversation.

**further note, conversation can relate to something said earlier or be completely random. Neither is wrong or right. They just are.

***last note, there is no sequence to this. You might talk about the future before you talk about the past. You might only talk about the present. It's completely random dictated by you and her in the moment by both of your personalities, histories, and surroundings.