Looming Breakup

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for your advice over the years. Ten months ago, I met the most amazing woman. The "one" for me. I'd been with a lot of women before, but never had I met one that made me feel so good about being myself. Then she dropped a bombshell on me. She's moving to Australia at the start of the new year to go to med school. At first, we tried to figure out if I could move with her. But my family and career is here. It's not something I can do over there. And she cannot simply waste another year trying to get into med school here.

Neither of us can go without sex too long. In fact, our relationship was what it was (and is) because we are so freaky. Freaky, but exclusive and committed. She is my lover, my best friend, and my confidant.

We've decided to visit each other and remain friends (with benefits if the chemistry is still there) and get back together after she finishes and moves back if we've both not found anyone better. But I have no idea how to deal with the loss once she moves. I went monogamous because I had no extreme desire to fuck other women after being with her. How do I go back to being single? The thought of finding someone to replace her repulses me. I feel like the universe is against me.

Sorry to hear about your situation. But the universe is not against you. The universe doesn't even know you exist. If she is truly the one for you, you'll end up together somehow. Four years is a long time, and time heals all wounds.

Remember, things are going to end up however they are supposed to. It's up to us to make the best of them. Embrace your singlehood. And keep an open heart. While no one can ever replace her, no one should replace her and you should not try to find a replacement. All good things come to an end. And just as you cannot buy a new pup to replace a dead pet, you cannot get a new girl to replace the old. But you can forge new relationships.

Cherish the time you had. Keep her in your life is feasible. But don't live in the past. Keep moving forward. Don't avoid getting into other relationships, and don't try to jump into one just to be in one. Know that by making the best of your life from this point forward, you'll find happiness sooner than you think.

I'm sorry I have no better advice for you as I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Perhaps other readers can offer you more insight.

The Dream Girl

Quit fantasizing!

If you have in your head an image of what your dream girl looks and acts like, kill her. Not in real life, but your mental image of her.

Appreciate people for who they are.

If you're constantly measuring people up to some imaginary ideal, they'll always fall short.

Instead, take the time to see how they get along with you and you with them. See if they turn you on. See if they make you laugh. See if you can accept and live with their shortcomings, if the price of the very real bad times with them is worth all the very real good times with them.

Kill the fantasy. Go after the real thing.

A rare combination

A combination of what you do and how you do it is attractive to others (see last post). Similarly, what is attractive about others to you is made up of the same components but is rare and difficult to find if you are a person of discriminating taste.

That is, what a girl does (or says) and how she does (or says) it is attractive to various guys and unattractive to various guys, but the girl who is attractive in both the what and how is exceedingly rare.

If you're having difficulty with women, it's for one of two reasons: you either do not make the effort to show interest, or if you do, she isn't up to your standards. The rest of this blog explains how to show interest. But if you've made the legitimate effort to show interest and you still find it difficult to keep a girlfriend, then the issue is that a woman who is good enough for you has not yet been found.

Here is why it is so difficult: she must share similar interests as you. If you like intellectual discussions and she enjoys drinking and reading the gossip pages, it is unlikely you'll stay together long. Yes, women have different interests than guys and expecting her to be your best friend is not what I'm talking about here. And I'm not talking about someone who is exactly like you. She doesn't have to vote the same way you do or be of the same religion or race. Redundancy is boring. But some common ground is essential. I'm talking a shared background such as being from the same state or having similar family values, or sharing interests such as reading or watching movies. If she likes staying in and you like partying all night long, she's not right for you. If she thinks voting is not important and you do, she's probably not right for you. If it feels like you're talking to a wall, she's not right for you.

But common interests aren't enough. How she expresses those interests are key too. Is she unashamed of stating her desires and interests or tentative? Does she put her interests before you? Is she shy about speaking her mind or does she refuse to try new things? It varies from guy to guy and for you, you might like someone more outgoing or more reserved. You might like someone more dominant or someone more submissive. It varies from guy to guy.

But these two qualities aren't enough to label her your girlfriend or consider her girlfriend material. Sure, on paper, she may be exactly what you are looking for. And you know the life you'd live together would be grand. But if she's not into you, the relationship is one sided. You need to find someone else who returns your interest at least as much, and preferably more.

Take these three factors into consideration, and you'll see why its so difficult to choose a long-term mate. Of course, there is no rule saying you have to be celibate in your search for her or that such judgements can be made in the first interaction.

But it is possible to see in the first interaction whether or not you can and do get along well - whether there is any chemistry. If not, it's not you. It's her. Move on.