a lot of guys place a lot of responsibility on themselves. now, responsibility is an essential component of being a man, but a woman is a person too. as great a player as michael jackson was, he could not have scored the points he did or won the games he did without the help of his team. and while he did his best to motivate them, it was ultimately up to them to bring their "a" game. and not everyone who tried was cut out for the team. some didn't even get to try out. and those that did make the cut didn't always end up starting. some were just second stringers. what about the players who were good enough? well, they didn't all want to play for chicago. some wanted to play for los angeles or orlando.
what does this have to do with women?
my point is that having sex with a woman is not like rome sacking a city. it's not an invasion. it's not a competition. when you have sex with her, the team of you and her win. she enjoys it too. she wants it too. she's working with you to make it happen. she's not working against you and you have to get rid of all thoughts inside your head that tell you she's a thing to be conquered.
see, it's up to her whether she plays with you or not. and she has to be both willing and able. just because you want her doesn't mean you will get her. the question you have to ask yourself is why would you want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with you?
there are easy ways to see if a girl wants to play with you, if she wants to be on your team. you put your real personality forward. if she doesn't run away physically or mentally, she's down to play. when you flirt with her and tease her, she laughs. she wants you. when you touch her leg or waist, she goes with it. she wants you. but just because she's not running away doesn't mean she's good enough to play with you.
do you want any partner or do you want a great partner?
a chick who'd make a great partner, at least in my opinion based on my desires, would do that back to me. when i'm being real with her, she'll be real with me. when i'm flirting and teasing her, she'll flirt with and tease me. when i touch her, she'll touch me. i'm not just playing with her, she's playing back.
and even then that's not enough. her attempts at playing with me have to actually make me smile, they have to make me want to stay rather than run for the hills.
now, as a man, it's my job to trigger all this by actively doing what i'm seeking in return. i need someone whose good at assists and ally-oops. i need someone who can dunk. and as a man, it's my job to set up situations that test for this. but if she doesn't play back, it's not my fault. it's hers.
quit blaming yourself when she flakes on you or ignores you. quit trying to figure out how to get the girl. just go after her in a way that feels right to you; be simple and direct.
that will free you to have fun instead of living inside your head where your inner demons lurk. when you're not focused on methods, you're having fun, and you are able to test if she's the right one for you. you decide what you're looking for, she lets you know whether or not she fits that role.
you can't put a square peg inside a round hole.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
intrinsic vs extrinsic motivators
we are going to discuss the two types of motivation and how that applies to a man's life. this post is about getting you off your ass and finding the motivation to do something.
there are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. intrinsic motivators originate from the inside of a person. it's his sense of purpose. to the outsider, it seems he does it for no reason other than for the love of it.
extrinsic motivators originate from the outside of a person. to the outsider, there are clear reasons why that person does what he does: money, fame, women, etc. he seeks out those tangible rewards for doing what he does.
however, it is important to note that just because someone does not get those tangible rewards does not mean their motivations are intrinsic and just because someone is rich, famous, and surrounded by women does not mean the reason they do what they do is extrinsic.
both van goh and picasso created masterpieces that sell for millions today, yet one died broke and without an ear and the other was one of the richest living artists. one felt unappreciated and misunderstood, selling not a single piece during his lifetime, and the other could not give two shits what others could or could not afford to pay for his work. one sought recognition from the art world, one pursued his artistic impulse.
often times, the intrinsically driven are the most financially successful in the world. both donald trump and bill gates stopped needing fame or fortune by the time they earned their first million and certainly their first hundred million. yet their love for what they did kept them going until they changed the way business was done, not to mention the landscape of technology and real estate.
and even those intrinsically-driven individuals that aren't financially successful find a great degree of happiness in knowing they are doing what they truly enjoy doing. as with the financially successful, their motivators, their rewards, their definitions and signals of success come from the way they feel inside rather than from any outside source.
it is hard to point to an example of someone who is intrinsically motivated, yet unsuccessful by society's standards. their lack of fame makes it hard for them to be recognizable. but we all know them. their lives aren't much different from our own. they live next to us, have the same job, know the same people and despite not being rich, famous, or particularly good with women (or people), seem to be happy nonetheless.
it's because they define success on their own terms. the reasons for doing what they do come from inside them rather than from "society." the natural question to ask then is "how do they define success?" simple. they define success in a way that lets them feel they can and do achieve it. it feels daunting to feel like you've gotta earn a million bucks by the time you're 30. yet it is easy to do and believe you can tie your shoelaces, pay the rent on time, or enjoy sharing a few laughs.
success is not about how much money you earn, but rather whether you accomplish your goal or not. those who are intrinsically motivated have not only very different reasons for doing what they do, they seek to do very different things.
take the men who want nothing more than to sleep with many different women. they may do just that. being extrinsically motivated is not a guarantee of failure to achieve external rewards. external rewards are quite nice.
but in the case of men who want to sleep with many different women and fail to do that, the one who is intrinsically motivated will end up being much happier. his reason for trying to sleep with them comes from the inside - his love for women and their company. his rewards are small and enough to keep him trying in the face of many obstacles. he enjoys talking and flirting with them. he enjoys touching them. he enjoys just being surrounded by them. the sex is nice if it happens. but it's fine if it doesn't. he's gotten what he wanted despite not getting his freak on.
now, the extrinsically motivated man will only judge his success by the fact that he has had sex with a woman. any failure to do so crushes his morale and sense of worth. he is unable to appreciate any joys he shared with a girl if he does not have sex with her.
i mention the word "enjoy" a lot in this post. yet "enjoy" is such an ambiguous word. i enjoy a slice of pizza and watching a movie with my girlfriend. the thought of skydiving terrifies me. you could enjoy doing something else. but our sense of enjoyment does share something in common. it comes from the doing, not the achieving.
enjoyment is about the pleasurable sensations we feel emotionally, mentally, and/or physically when doing something. they say a shark must swim or die. the intrinsically motivated do or be miserable.
despite van goh's lack of financial success, you can bet the world stopped turning for the joy he felt while painting. his desire to paint and express himself visually was intrinsically driven. why else paint and live the life of a pauper when there were surer ways to earn lots of money? why else pursue an artistic style few understood when he clearly had the ability to do something more commercially viable?
extrinsic and intrinsic motivators do not exist in a vacuum. people's reasons for doing things are often some mix of the two. it's hard to say bill gates or donald trump did what they did just for the love of the game. and its hard to say that ladies men who surround themselves with women would be happy living the life of celibacy. money certainly was and is a motivating factor, and an effective one at that. as is popularity. and sex.
but to be happy, a reason for doing must exist beyond those external factors. doing must also be done for the sake and joy of doing. if you focus so much on the end game, on the signs of success, you lose sight of the joy that can be had in the doing.
it's like having sex just to cum. cumming is amazing. but sex is awesome even without cumming. making out is awesome even if the clothes don't come off. going in for the kiss is fun even if she turns her cheek. getting high off her giggles is a moment enjoyed even if she is taken. being her friend is a blessing even without the benefits. and those who are only motivated extrinsically cannot enjoy women unless they cum.
don't be that guy. find reasons to enjoy the process. find your intrinsic motivators.
there are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. intrinsic motivators originate from the inside of a person. it's his sense of purpose. to the outsider, it seems he does it for no reason other than for the love of it.
extrinsic motivators originate from the outside of a person. to the outsider, there are clear reasons why that person does what he does: money, fame, women, etc. he seeks out those tangible rewards for doing what he does.
however, it is important to note that just because someone does not get those tangible rewards does not mean their motivations are intrinsic and just because someone is rich, famous, and surrounded by women does not mean the reason they do what they do is extrinsic.
both van goh and picasso created masterpieces that sell for millions today, yet one died broke and without an ear and the other was one of the richest living artists. one felt unappreciated and misunderstood, selling not a single piece during his lifetime, and the other could not give two shits what others could or could not afford to pay for his work. one sought recognition from the art world, one pursued his artistic impulse.
often times, the intrinsically driven are the most financially successful in the world. both donald trump and bill gates stopped needing fame or fortune by the time they earned their first million and certainly their first hundred million. yet their love for what they did kept them going until they changed the way business was done, not to mention the landscape of technology and real estate.
and even those intrinsically-driven individuals that aren't financially successful find a great degree of happiness in knowing they are doing what they truly enjoy doing. as with the financially successful, their motivators, their rewards, their definitions and signals of success come from the way they feel inside rather than from any outside source.
it is hard to point to an example of someone who is intrinsically motivated, yet unsuccessful by society's standards. their lack of fame makes it hard for them to be recognizable. but we all know them. their lives aren't much different from our own. they live next to us, have the same job, know the same people and despite not being rich, famous, or particularly good with women (or people), seem to be happy nonetheless.
it's because they define success on their own terms. the reasons for doing what they do come from inside them rather than from "society." the natural question to ask then is "how do they define success?" simple. they define success in a way that lets them feel they can and do achieve it. it feels daunting to feel like you've gotta earn a million bucks by the time you're 30. yet it is easy to do and believe you can tie your shoelaces, pay the rent on time, or enjoy sharing a few laughs.
success is not about how much money you earn, but rather whether you accomplish your goal or not. those who are intrinsically motivated have not only very different reasons for doing what they do, they seek to do very different things.
take the men who want nothing more than to sleep with many different women. they may do just that. being extrinsically motivated is not a guarantee of failure to achieve external rewards. external rewards are quite nice.
but in the case of men who want to sleep with many different women and fail to do that, the one who is intrinsically motivated will end up being much happier. his reason for trying to sleep with them comes from the inside - his love for women and their company. his rewards are small and enough to keep him trying in the face of many obstacles. he enjoys talking and flirting with them. he enjoys touching them. he enjoys just being surrounded by them. the sex is nice if it happens. but it's fine if it doesn't. he's gotten what he wanted despite not getting his freak on.
now, the extrinsically motivated man will only judge his success by the fact that he has had sex with a woman. any failure to do so crushes his morale and sense of worth. he is unable to appreciate any joys he shared with a girl if he does not have sex with her.
i mention the word "enjoy" a lot in this post. yet "enjoy" is such an ambiguous word. i enjoy a slice of pizza and watching a movie with my girlfriend. the thought of skydiving terrifies me. you could enjoy doing something else. but our sense of enjoyment does share something in common. it comes from the doing, not the achieving.
enjoyment is about the pleasurable sensations we feel emotionally, mentally, and/or physically when doing something. they say a shark must swim or die. the intrinsically motivated do or be miserable.
despite van goh's lack of financial success, you can bet the world stopped turning for the joy he felt while painting. his desire to paint and express himself visually was intrinsically driven. why else paint and live the life of a pauper when there were surer ways to earn lots of money? why else pursue an artistic style few understood when he clearly had the ability to do something more commercially viable?
extrinsic and intrinsic motivators do not exist in a vacuum. people's reasons for doing things are often some mix of the two. it's hard to say bill gates or donald trump did what they did just for the love of the game. and its hard to say that ladies men who surround themselves with women would be happy living the life of celibacy. money certainly was and is a motivating factor, and an effective one at that. as is popularity. and sex.
but to be happy, a reason for doing must exist beyond those external factors. doing must also be done for the sake and joy of doing. if you focus so much on the end game, on the signs of success, you lose sight of the joy that can be had in the doing.
it's like having sex just to cum. cumming is amazing. but sex is awesome even without cumming. making out is awesome even if the clothes don't come off. going in for the kiss is fun even if she turns her cheek. getting high off her giggles is a moment enjoyed even if she is taken. being her friend is a blessing even without the benefits. and those who are only motivated extrinsically cannot enjoy women unless they cum.
don't be that guy. find reasons to enjoy the process. find your intrinsic motivators.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
why self-improvement is bullshit
the word "self-improvement" by itself and taken literally does not indicate the level of bullshit this industry serves on an hourly basis. the word itself does not show you what a useless pursuit self-improvement truly is.
first lets look at the word. "self-improvement". a harmless word. a great thought. since the dawn of man much of knowledge had to be passed on my teachers. while not necessarily in a formal setting like a classroom, others taught man how to do things like language through writing, how to build a fire through imitation, and more. and we soon realized a more formal system of education was better and more efficient.
but somethings just couldn't be taught in a classroom or weren't available for various reasons. so people sought to do those things for themselves. they'd seek out others who held such knowledge and became their apprentices in the hopes of learning from the best. some just did things on their own until they became really good at it through trial and error. and some of those even wrote books about it, hoping to save others the trouble they went through (and make a few bucks while at it). but the result was that people improved themselves at specific tasks. they improved their ability to make things out of wood, their knowledge of history, their ability to make science projects, or draw 50 different animals.
today, however, the self-improvement industry has lost its way, claiming if you some how improve yourself you'll be better at everything. if you improve yourself, your life will be better. but improve at doing what exactly? and how do you objectively judge the quality of a life? and therein lies the problem with the self-improvement industry and its billions of followers.
have higher self-esteem, says book one, and you'll live a better life. you'll be able to get people to treat you better simply because of your higher self-esteem. think positive, says book two, and you'll be able to do whatever you set your mind to. live in the now, claims book three, and you'll be able to enjoy whatever it is you do.
they speak in generalities. but they don't once consider that perhaps the emotional and mental strength so often seen in the successful follow actually achieving success. whereas the books of old sought to improve ones ability at a specific task, the books of today simply seek to make you feel better about not doing much.
yet there lies the irony. the self-improvement books that seek to make you feel better try to convince you that you need improvement. yet if you are confident, you don't seek out improvement. and if we follow the logic of self-improvement books, which is act as if you are already confident, then you wouldn't be reading the self-improvement books in the first place.
the self-improvement books don't provide any exercises or data with quantifiable results that show improved confidence actually improves one's ability to "be a better person", to "live a better life", or "do whatever one sets his mind to".
they don't bother with the concept of over-confidence which is believing one is capable of more than actually doing.
and that's because confidence and belief in oneself come from actually doing great things. you cannot "improve yourself". the concept is bullshit. but you can improve your ability to do certain tasks. you can improve your knowledge of world war ii. you can improve your ability to draw. you can improve your ability to speak to large crowds. and through accomplishing your goals, you can improve your image of yourself in your own mind and your belief in yourself to do said task as well as any other task you might choose to set your mind and labor to.
but that comes from having quantifiable goals. you have to have something to measure your successes (and failures) against. if you want to "improve with women" or "improve with people" figure out a realistic and measurable way to judge your success.
walking into a room and having every woman swoon at you is not realistic nor measurable (everyone swoons in their own and often unnoticeable ways). having a great conversation with everyone you talk to is not realistic nor measurable (some people are too busy or just bad with conversation themselves).
try these yardsticks of success instead:
for judging your success with women:
these are the yardsticks i used to measure myself. i did not use how comfortable i felt doing these tasks as a measure of success. i did not use how much they laughed at my jokes more than someone elses jokes. i did not use any subjective measures of my success other than whether i found the women attractive or not and what consisted of a normal conversation.
a normal conversation for me is very different than a normal conversation for you. you might enjoy talking about video games or want to know where the bathroom is. i enjoy talking about football and want to know where the bathroom is.
in short, forget about improving yourself. focus instead on your improved ability to do the things you want to be good at. the good feelings you have for yourself come after that. have quantifiable goals you can measure your success against. a good goal will also clue you in on how to achieve it (hint: by actually trying to do it).
confidence comes from holding yourself accountable, not a book telling you that you simply need to feel good.
first lets look at the word. "self-improvement". a harmless word. a great thought. since the dawn of man much of knowledge had to be passed on my teachers. while not necessarily in a formal setting like a classroom, others taught man how to do things like language through writing, how to build a fire through imitation, and more. and we soon realized a more formal system of education was better and more efficient.
but somethings just couldn't be taught in a classroom or weren't available for various reasons. so people sought to do those things for themselves. they'd seek out others who held such knowledge and became their apprentices in the hopes of learning from the best. some just did things on their own until they became really good at it through trial and error. and some of those even wrote books about it, hoping to save others the trouble they went through (and make a few bucks while at it). but the result was that people improved themselves at specific tasks. they improved their ability to make things out of wood, their knowledge of history, their ability to make science projects, or draw 50 different animals.
today, however, the self-improvement industry has lost its way, claiming if you some how improve yourself you'll be better at everything. if you improve yourself, your life will be better. but improve at doing what exactly? and how do you objectively judge the quality of a life? and therein lies the problem with the self-improvement industry and its billions of followers.
have higher self-esteem, says book one, and you'll live a better life. you'll be able to get people to treat you better simply because of your higher self-esteem. think positive, says book two, and you'll be able to do whatever you set your mind to. live in the now, claims book three, and you'll be able to enjoy whatever it is you do.
they speak in generalities. but they don't once consider that perhaps the emotional and mental strength so often seen in the successful follow actually achieving success. whereas the books of old sought to improve ones ability at a specific task, the books of today simply seek to make you feel better about not doing much.
yet there lies the irony. the self-improvement books that seek to make you feel better try to convince you that you need improvement. yet if you are confident, you don't seek out improvement. and if we follow the logic of self-improvement books, which is act as if you are already confident, then you wouldn't be reading the self-improvement books in the first place.
the self-improvement books don't provide any exercises or data with quantifiable results that show improved confidence actually improves one's ability to "be a better person", to "live a better life", or "do whatever one sets his mind to".
they don't bother with the concept of over-confidence which is believing one is capable of more than actually doing.
and that's because confidence and belief in oneself come from actually doing great things. you cannot "improve yourself". the concept is bullshit. but you can improve your ability to do certain tasks. you can improve your knowledge of world war ii. you can improve your ability to draw. you can improve your ability to speak to large crowds. and through accomplishing your goals, you can improve your image of yourself in your own mind and your belief in yourself to do said task as well as any other task you might choose to set your mind and labor to.
but that comes from having quantifiable goals. you have to have something to measure your successes (and failures) against. if you want to "improve with women" or "improve with people" figure out a realistic and measurable way to judge your success.
walking into a room and having every woman swoon at you is not realistic nor measurable (everyone swoons in their own and often unnoticeable ways). having a great conversation with everyone you talk to is not realistic nor measurable (some people are too busy or just bad with conversation themselves).
try these yardsticks of success instead:
1) you have more than one friend who you can call up to hang out with at the last minute.
2) you have more than one friend you can call for help should you ever need help (a ride to the airport, moving, bail money, alibi, etc).
for judging your success with women:
1) you have at least one woman in your life who you consider attractive and who you speak with normally on a regular basis as if she were just another one of your buddies.
2) when you ask out 10 women you find attractive, at least one will say yes.
3) when you try to kiss 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date on, at least one will kiss you back.
4) when you ask 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date with back to your place, at least one will accept, even if she expresses some hesitation at first.
these are the yardsticks i used to measure myself. i did not use how comfortable i felt doing these tasks as a measure of success. i did not use how much they laughed at my jokes more than someone elses jokes. i did not use any subjective measures of my success other than whether i found the women attractive or not and what consisted of a normal conversation.
a normal conversation for me is very different than a normal conversation for you. you might enjoy talking about video games or want to know where the bathroom is. i enjoy talking about football and want to know where the bathroom is.
in short, forget about improving yourself. focus instead on your improved ability to do the things you want to be good at. the good feelings you have for yourself come after that. have quantifiable goals you can measure your success against. a good goal will also clue you in on how to achieve it (hint: by actually trying to do it).
confidence comes from holding yourself accountable, not a book telling you that you simply need to feel good.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
the brad pitt theory
this post relates more to relationships than picking up girls, but i'm sure with a little imagination, you can see how to apply it there.
one of the most famous questions asked in the community is "what would brad pitt do?" whenever faced with a situation they don't know how to handle, would be charmers ask what would the worlds arguably most desirable man do?
having a conversation with a female friend last night, i confirmed a suspicion i've had for a while now. i've stated is earlier in other forms, ie "if she stays she wants to play" and "if she likes you, you can do no wrong. but if she doesn't, you can do no right".
so my take is a little different. instead of asking "what would brad pitt do?" guys should be asking "how would she treat brad pitt?" while its normally not advisable to compare yourself to others, brad pitt or anyone else, in this instance it takes the pressure off.
lets say brad pitt tells a crude joke involving vomit, fecal matter, and rape. all at once. yeah, it's a horrible joke. would that turn the girl off him? would that send her running for the hills? maybe. but probably not. she might not laugh, she might even act disgusted, but she won't break up with him because of it.
if you're in a relationship and you are constantly wondering if you're doing right by your girl, you're doing it wrong. if you feel restricted, nervous, or unsure of yourself all the time. if she's making demands you're breaking your back to meet. unless you like that, you are with the wrong girl.
because no girl would ever do that to brad pitt. and if she did, he'd dump her and move on. what matters is how you feel around her - how she makes you feel. if she treats you any different than she would her perfect guy (brad pitt for example), then you are not her perfect guy. you are doing both of yourselves a favor by dumping her and moving on. you free her to find her mr. right and you free yourself to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.
the thicker your skin, the more you can deal with, so don't take this as an excuse to be a wuss who can't take some heat. but don't put up with more than you feel you need to. if you want to be treated better, demand it. demand it by holding yourself and her to a higher standard.
know that if she is willing to treat someone, anyone better than you, then she is capable of it. and if she is capable of it, you deserve it.
ask yourself, "how would she treat brad pitt?"
one of the most famous questions asked in the community is "what would brad pitt do?" whenever faced with a situation they don't know how to handle, would be charmers ask what would the worlds arguably most desirable man do?
having a conversation with a female friend last night, i confirmed a suspicion i've had for a while now. i've stated is earlier in other forms, ie "if she stays she wants to play" and "if she likes you, you can do no wrong. but if she doesn't, you can do no right".
so my take is a little different. instead of asking "what would brad pitt do?" guys should be asking "how would she treat brad pitt?" while its normally not advisable to compare yourself to others, brad pitt or anyone else, in this instance it takes the pressure off.
lets say brad pitt tells a crude joke involving vomit, fecal matter, and rape. all at once. yeah, it's a horrible joke. would that turn the girl off him? would that send her running for the hills? maybe. but probably not. she might not laugh, she might even act disgusted, but she won't break up with him because of it.
if you're in a relationship and you are constantly wondering if you're doing right by your girl, you're doing it wrong. if you feel restricted, nervous, or unsure of yourself all the time. if she's making demands you're breaking your back to meet. unless you like that, you are with the wrong girl.
because no girl would ever do that to brad pitt. and if she did, he'd dump her and move on. what matters is how you feel around her - how she makes you feel. if she treats you any different than she would her perfect guy (brad pitt for example), then you are not her perfect guy. you are doing both of yourselves a favor by dumping her and moving on. you free her to find her mr. right and you free yourself to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.
the thicker your skin, the more you can deal with, so don't take this as an excuse to be a wuss who can't take some heat. but don't put up with more than you feel you need to. if you want to be treated better, demand it. demand it by holding yourself and her to a higher standard.
know that if she is willing to treat someone, anyone better than you, then she is capable of it. and if she is capable of it, you deserve it.
ask yourself, "how would she treat brad pitt?"
Friday, August 21, 2009
talking about sex vs. being sexual
a little while ago, someone asked me if there was a difference between talking about sex and being sexy. while I thought my post on "being sexual" was enough to cover the matter, there seems to be some confusion on the matter still, so i will discuss it here.
there are two ways to bring sex up with a girl: either talk about it or talk about (or do) things in a way that implies sex. both are valid. and the important thing is to do it. but one is more likely to get you laid than the other.
the first case, talking about sex, is great when you want to bring up the topic of sex. it allows you to talk about your likes and dislikes, your expectations or lack of them. and the same for her. it allows you to find out about her logistics and thoughts on the matter such as how far she's willing to go on the first night and her stance on relationships. but that does not mean she'll jump your bones because you have a conversation about sex. she might be thinking about it, maybe even thinking about sex with you, but talking about sex will not get her to make a move on you.
the second case, being sexual, puts you in a sexy mood. which will put her into a sexy mood if she's into you at all. i will not discuss here how to be sexual, as i have already done so in the past. but i will describe what usually happens when you are sexual. the vibe between you will be more flirtatious. both of you are thinking sex and sex with each other. she will most likely NOT jump your bones, but you will notice you are close enough to make a move without it being awkward. and because you are in the right state of mind, you will find it easier to make a move on her than say if you were 5 feet away and thinking about what to say next.
now, you can combine the two in anyway you like. talk about sex first, and as you get hornier, being sexual will happen naturally if you don't fight it. from there, simply say "come here" and lock lips. or if you don't like being so overt in your sexuality, invite her into your bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed, legs touching. look into her eyes and put your lips to hers. you can also be sexual and as you notice her getting more flirtatious, start talking sex. ask about her favorite positions and tell her how you'd kiss her and the other naughty things you'd do to her. paint a picture with your words. a pornographic picture.
the point is that anything works as long as you work towards creating a moment where you are both able to act on your desires. sometimes that takes words. sometimes no words are needed. but the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes, and the willingness to make a move are essential for making it happen. the desires you feel at any moment will dictate whether it's a horny dominant burning desire for fucking or something more tender and sensual like making love.
the focus, your focus, should be on creating a moment where you feel like having sex with her. it's not so much about turning her on. her greatest turn on is knowing she's turning you on. the more turned on you are, the more turned on she will be. sometimes that means talking about sex and being flirtatious instead of talking pleasantries. sometimes talking about the weather while resisting the urge to state your interest can be just what the doctor ordered. trust your instincts. do what feels right.
then it's simply a matter of letting yourself make a move. say "fuck it" out loud and pull her in close. look into her eyes and put your lips on hers.
there are two ways to bring sex up with a girl: either talk about it or talk about (or do) things in a way that implies sex. both are valid. and the important thing is to do it. but one is more likely to get you laid than the other.
the first case, talking about sex, is great when you want to bring up the topic of sex. it allows you to talk about your likes and dislikes, your expectations or lack of them. and the same for her. it allows you to find out about her logistics and thoughts on the matter such as how far she's willing to go on the first night and her stance on relationships. but that does not mean she'll jump your bones because you have a conversation about sex. she might be thinking about it, maybe even thinking about sex with you, but talking about sex will not get her to make a move on you.
the second case, being sexual, puts you in a sexy mood. which will put her into a sexy mood if she's into you at all. i will not discuss here how to be sexual, as i have already done so in the past. but i will describe what usually happens when you are sexual. the vibe between you will be more flirtatious. both of you are thinking sex and sex with each other. she will most likely NOT jump your bones, but you will notice you are close enough to make a move without it being awkward. and because you are in the right state of mind, you will find it easier to make a move on her than say if you were 5 feet away and thinking about what to say next.
now, you can combine the two in anyway you like. talk about sex first, and as you get hornier, being sexual will happen naturally if you don't fight it. from there, simply say "come here" and lock lips. or if you don't like being so overt in your sexuality, invite her into your bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed, legs touching. look into her eyes and put your lips to hers. you can also be sexual and as you notice her getting more flirtatious, start talking sex. ask about her favorite positions and tell her how you'd kiss her and the other naughty things you'd do to her. paint a picture with your words. a pornographic picture.
the point is that anything works as long as you work towards creating a moment where you are both able to act on your desires. sometimes that takes words. sometimes no words are needed. but the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes, and the willingness to make a move are essential for making it happen. the desires you feel at any moment will dictate whether it's a horny dominant burning desire for fucking or something more tender and sensual like making love.
the focus, your focus, should be on creating a moment where you feel like having sex with her. it's not so much about turning her on. her greatest turn on is knowing she's turning you on. the more turned on you are, the more turned on she will be. sometimes that means talking about sex and being flirtatious instead of talking pleasantries. sometimes talking about the weather while resisting the urge to state your interest can be just what the doctor ordered. trust your instincts. do what feels right.
then it's simply a matter of letting yourself make a move. say "fuck it" out loud and pull her in close. look into her eyes and put your lips on hers.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
looking good vs doing good
too many people in our culture are obsessed with looking good. they take will smith's line from men in black, "i make this look good," to the extreme. what people fail to realize is that actually doing good often doesn't look very impressive at all. often it can look down right ugly. michael jordan's signature tongue hanging out was often derided at first.
but the most glaring example of the effectiveness of looking good vs the effectiveness of doing good is porn vs actual sex. porn sex is nothing like real sex. actors often spend 8 to 12 hour days working on a single scene. it's uncomfortable and a pain to shoot. none of the ecstasy or pleasure of sex can be found there. but it sure as hell looks pretty.
real sex is a lot different. it's messy, it's clumsy, and it's downright ugly. the expressions on lovers' faces range from grimaces to other contortions which have no name. sweat, spit, and other fluids everywhere. the positions are nowhere near as elegant or arousing as porn to the outside observer. more often than not, it's just a hairy ass in the air.
but sex is one of the greatest physical, mental, and emotional experiences in which we can indulge in our short lives.
trying to make it look good to the outside observer leads partners to share one of the most uncomfortable experiences they can in front of a camera, real and imaginary. it looks good to others, but is painful to experience. not giving a shit what others think leads to a blissful experience some religions save only for the holiest of unions.
this applies to other areas as well. often, picking up a girl will result in the most boring conversations about each others jobs and other self-revelatory topics. outside listeners might look on in interest at first but soon stop caring when they see the man and woman getting along instead of being rejected. the conversation does not concern them, so they get bored and move on with their focus. nor is it particularly juicy or inflammatory enough for them to keep eavesdropping. those conversations are often nothing like the conversations posted on OverheardinNewYork.com. however, to the man and woman engaged in the conversation, nothing in the world matters more at that moment in time but the presence of their conversational partner.
stop caring what you look like when doing something. instead, focus on doing it well. make it an experience you and your partner enjoy rather than some third party would enjoy watching or listening into.
in other words, you'll be far more successful when you stop worrying about what others think. their opinions don't matter and often hinder you.
but the most glaring example of the effectiveness of looking good vs the effectiveness of doing good is porn vs actual sex. porn sex is nothing like real sex. actors often spend 8 to 12 hour days working on a single scene. it's uncomfortable and a pain to shoot. none of the ecstasy or pleasure of sex can be found there. but it sure as hell looks pretty.
real sex is a lot different. it's messy, it's clumsy, and it's downright ugly. the expressions on lovers' faces range from grimaces to other contortions which have no name. sweat, spit, and other fluids everywhere. the positions are nowhere near as elegant or arousing as porn to the outside observer. more often than not, it's just a hairy ass in the air.
but sex is one of the greatest physical, mental, and emotional experiences in which we can indulge in our short lives.
trying to make it look good to the outside observer leads partners to share one of the most uncomfortable experiences they can in front of a camera, real and imaginary. it looks good to others, but is painful to experience. not giving a shit what others think leads to a blissful experience some religions save only for the holiest of unions.
this applies to other areas as well. often, picking up a girl will result in the most boring conversations about each others jobs and other self-revelatory topics. outside listeners might look on in interest at first but soon stop caring when they see the man and woman getting along instead of being rejected. the conversation does not concern them, so they get bored and move on with their focus. nor is it particularly juicy or inflammatory enough for them to keep eavesdropping. those conversations are often nothing like the conversations posted on OverheardinNewYork.com. however, to the man and woman engaged in the conversation, nothing in the world matters more at that moment in time but the presence of their conversational partner.
stop caring what you look like when doing something. instead, focus on doing it well. make it an experience you and your partner enjoy rather than some third party would enjoy watching or listening into.
in other words, you'll be far more successful when you stop worrying about what others think. their opinions don't matter and often hinder you.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
female friends
Dear Dirk,
What is your take on female friends? Should I be trying to sleep with them? Can men and women be just friends? Should I try to be just friends with women?
Thanks,
XXXXX
hey XXXXX,
i'm not going to tell you whether or not you should sleep with your female friends. i don't even know if its possible to be just friends with women. i leave that up to people who like to argue rather than actually have relationships.
but i will say that you should absolutely make every effort to have females in your life who are just friends. hot, ugly, skinny, fat. of all shapes and sizes.
and here's why - when you go out to meet women, your goal should be to sleep with them, assuming you're looking for a relationship where sex is involved. if you go out looking for friends, don't be surprised if you end up with a girl who says "lets just be friends". she might say it anyway if you go out looking for sex, but the chances of finding what you're looking for increase when you actually look for it.
having female friends in your life will take care of that social neediness inside you that is telling you that you are not attractive, that you are not cool, that you are not funny, and that you have to become or do all those things in order to get the girl. it's bullshit.
you do not have to attract, act cool, or entertain in order to get laid. but your belief in yourself as an attractive, worthy man is essential to taking the steps necessary to get laid. and that is more likely to happen when you have a strong social network that satisfies that urge in you to "be social" and impress her with your "social skillZ". you would not have friends if you weren't worth having as a friend. and once you realize this, you are less likely to try to prove it.
think of the kung fu master who gives up fighting others because he realizes his greatest opponent is himself. he has nothing left to prove.
when you have friends, you are less likely to go out to make friends. when you have female friends, your need for having female friends decreases, and because of that, you are less likely to go out to make female friends.
instead, you will seek what you lack - female sexual relations. it's something that is both concious and subconcious. taking care of it on the concious level (making and keeping female friends) will take care of it on the subconcious level (trying to get laid when you do meet an attractive female).
having female friends will make you comfortable being yourself around women and show you that it's not what you say that keeps them in your life. having female friends will also allow you to find out the type of people (and women) you like having in your life.
the problem with guys who don't get laid is that usually they don't have a lot of friends, female or otherwise. this gets them wanting someone in their life who will stay in their life forever and ever. relationships by their nature are transient things, lasting however long you see each other regularly and ending as soon as the people involved go their own separate ways. sure, people keep in touch, but only if they've formed deep emotional (or sexual) connections during the time they spent together. deep emotional connections take a long time to form.
but sexual connections happen much quicker. by having people in your life who you share deep emotional connections with, your need to seek them out decreases. this frees you to focus on making those sexual connections.
if you want to get laid, have more female friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)