When to say "I Love You"

saying "i love you" to my girlfriend for the first time was scary for me. i'd known for a while i'd loved her, but i was too scared to say it. i did not want our relationship to change. did i want to be romantic or a matter-of-fact? did i want to say it after sex or as soon as i saw her? should i say it when she's in a bad mood or in a good mood?

never did i once worry about how she'd react. it's true, she could have felt differently than me. but i was more worried about whether i truly loved her and or whether i just wanted to say it. my biggest worry was that she'd say it before me. in my mind, if she did, she'd be setting the tone of our relationship. and while i'm comfortable with her doing things for and to me, there was a part of me that demanded i stay in control of my destiny. i did not feel i could do that if she said it first.

yet if i truly loved her, it didn't matter who said it first. what she did would not change the fact that i am always in control of me. but if i didn't love her and was just attempting to maintain control, then my saying it would be a lie to myself and her.

so what did i do?

i told myself to forget it. while i did think about her alot when i was apart from her, leading me to believe i loved her, while with her, i never felt the need to say so. it's not because i didn't love her, it's because i was having too much fun to process my feelings for her. spending time with her is like spending time watching my favorite TV show - mindless. i don't mean that in a bad way. it's just means that i do not think about what's going on inside me when i'm with her. i just be. i go with the flow.

i figured if i truly loved her, the right time would present itself. i decided not to think about how to say it, i'd just say it when it felt right.

when we saw each other again, we fell into our groove and i forgot all about my worries. then we were horsing around, wrestling naked. i pinned her, looked deep into her eyes and mouthed the three magic words. she mouthed "i know" and kissed me. then she pulled my hair and did a reversal, pinning me on my back. by this point i'd forgotten about it and we wrestled some more and had some of the best sex of my life.

as we cuddled, she told me she loved me too. i said, "you said it first. you lose." she punched me in the arm and we did it again.

An exercise in logic

Here's an exercise in logic for you - humans (including women) are either always attractive, always unattractive, or sometimes unattractive and sometimes attractive.

If they last option is true, it means even the hottest girl is unattractive at times. And if you can't get past the fact that she is hot to see it, you have no hope in seeing her as human. But if you do see her as human and are able to see her flaws, you understand she is no better or worse than you (because all humans are equal) and what matters is finding out whether she is compatible with you as a person and not an accessory (because humans are not accessories), rendering game unneccesary (you don't run game to make friends, do you?).

But if you consider humans always attractive, then you have to consider yourself as always attractive as well, and game is therefore unneccessary.

Yet if you consider humans as always unattractive, then game is not necessary because why would you try to be with someone you consider unattractive?

When you start seeing women as people whose company is either enjoyable or not both inside and outside the bedroom, your fortunes with them will improve dramatically.

choosing your friends

i recently read something that suggested you should choose your friends based on the way others see them. not in so many words, but it presented the idea that if you hang out with social retards, then you are a social retard too, and you deserved to be judged as such. ditch the social retard friend and you ditch the social retard label.

one, we've all seen those 80s movies that call people on their bad behavior for doing just that. two, and perhaps most importantly, that belief is loaded with hypocrisy. people that present such ideas also usually suggest that you not change what interests you. so if you are a comic-book nerd or into star trek, you simply own it and be enthusiastic about it, and others will be too.

the hypocrisy lies in the suggestion you cave in to people's perceptions about the people you hang out with but not in the hobbies you pursue.

now, people might judge you based on the friends you have. and if you crave the approval of others, do what you can to get it, including dumping loyal friends simply because you think it will help you gain popularity.

but you have to ask yourself whose approval you are gaining by doing dumping your friends. are they as loyal and entertaining as your current friends? do you enjoy yourself more in their company? if so, those are good reasons to upgrade friends.

but if you enjoy a person's company regardless of how they are perceived by others, there is no reason to ditch them just to become popular. you can still make more friends without losing your old ones.

the things you do and the people you surround yourself with have to be there because you genuinely enjoy doing such things and those people's company. if you don't, stop doing them and stop seeing them immediately. being a man isn't about how others perceive you but rather about how you feel about the things and people that surround you. and a man surrounds himself by those things and people he loves, regardless of how outsiders judge him for it.

be a man.

mission 1

i've recently received a string of emails from virgins asking me how to lose their virginity. while the previous posting was a reply to a specific individual, this will be tailored to a general virginal audience.

first things first - your age, race, religion, income, living situation, height, weight, and clothing do not matter. i do not want to hear any excuses involving any of the above criteria. nor do i want to hear any excuses involving any other circumstances.

second of all, the only thing stopping you from being a virgin is yourself. the only reasons you are still a virgin is because you are waiting till marriage, a girlfriend, or you are simply a coward.

and in the cases where you are still waiting for marriage or a girlfriend, you are a virgin not because of lack of opportunity. you've simply turned down girls in order to stay true to your moral code. that means you will most likely have had oral sex and other forms of foreplay, stopping at intercourse and severly disappointing your girl(s). if this is you, you are not wondering how to get laid.

therefore, if you are reading this and wondering how to get laid, you are a coward or simply incredibly young.

now that that is out of the way, here is how to get laid - stop worrying about it. enjoy the pursuit of sex and let go of the disappointment associated with failure. the way you do this is by understanding that you can still masturbate and get off. it's that simple. if she doesn't get you off, you still have other options. such as masturbation. this does not mean you eliminate the disappointment associated with failure, it just means you have ways of dealing with it and understand life goes on and that there will be other opportunities to get laid.

next, live your life. there is more to life than sex. you have friends, family, work, school, ambitions, and other desires that need tending to. tend to them.

then, talk to the girls you find attractive. this does not mean avoid the girls you find unattractive. that is your decision. but you cannot have sex with anyone you refuse to interact with. the conversation need not be special. it can be boring. it can be entertaining. it can be just a few words. it can stretch out for months. it is what it is.

lastly, make a move*. you have to express your interest in her sexually both verbally and nonverbally. sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately. but you have to express that interest in her for her to understand your desires. if she has similar desires for you, she will return the interest by not leaving. if she does not, she will leave. the point of making a move on her is to get her to express her interest. there is no winning her over. there is only freeing her to act on her desires, positive or negative. and that is the best you can do.

verbally speaking, making a move can constitute asking her out, telling her she's cute, to saying she's turning you on.

nonverbally, making a move can constitute looking at her while imagining kissing her naked belly, caressing the inside of her palm with your index finger, or going in for a kiss.

the above lists are not complete as you can add your own moves to the mix such as putting an arm around her waist or placing your hand on the inside of her thigh. it can also include insinuating sexual contact between the two of you or being direct about your interest such as asking her back to your place.

but short of making a move, you will not free her to express her desires. and unless you do so, you will stay a virgin. my advice is to sack up, grow a pair, and make a move. anything else is just an excuse.

with that understanding out of the way, here is your first mission:

1. in the next week, walk up to five girls you find attractive.
2. tell her you find her attractive and want to know her name.
3. conversate for a bit, just being yourself.
4. make the move that seems appropriate no matter how well or poorly the conversation seems to be going - either ask her out, touch her leg, or try to kiss her.
5. post your results for each girl in the comments section or email them to me.

failure to do this means it is your fault. success in seeing this through to the end regardless of how she reacts means it is her fault and that she has no place on your team. sex is a team sport and she has to be willing and able to play along - and to play well. once you get comfortable in the process, you will be able to distinguish just who you want to make a move on from the ones you don't want to make a move on.

if you get a date, i will post the second mission, detailing just what to do on the second date.


*note - expressing your interest and following through with physical actions does not mean sex will come immediately. sometimes it does. sometimes she will need time to think about your offer. sometimes a "no" just means "not yet." and sometimes, despite everything going great, it will never happen. that's life.

waving the virgin flag

Hey Dirk!

I've been thinking about some suggestions for your blog. Here's one of my personal BIG hangups: my lack of sexual experience, and lack of serious relationships. I feel like i don't have a "sexual identity", because of my lack of experience with having sex with women, and having relationships. I feel a lot like i have to hide this, since that seems like the smartest thing to do. I have a feeling women and people in general can SMELL it, though. I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women). The only girls i can more or less feel completely no shyness towards, are the ones i'm not attracted to :-)

You can't exactly brag to everybody you're an almost virgin, and have only had sex with prostitutes. With me personally, this comes along with a feeling of "unworthiness in the world of having sex with beautiful women".

So, i guess my suggestion for one of your blog posts would be, how you, Dirk Manley, would handle being a virgin in his late twenties, or having a big lack of experience with women in general. I presume having read your posts, you'll say it doesn't really matter if you focus on what you want, but i'm curious what you would have to say about this subject.

Rock on dude, and thanks again for your blog posts!

Pieter

hey pieter,

admitting your problem is the first step towards fixing it. if you don't know what to fix, how can you fix it?

i too lost my virginity in my mid-twenties. so i can understand the fear that comes with not knowing how she will react and the confusion that comes from not knowing what to do.

but the solution is simple, fortunately. you even guessed correctly at my response about focusing on what you want. but there is a big difference between focusing on what you want and actually getting it. it is possible to focus on your desires and go about it in entirely complicated and unproductive ways. as a reader of my posts, you should understand i also advocate keeping it simple. tell her what you wrote here so brilliantly and seductively:

I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women).

i can't imagine any woman not wetting herself and raping you when she hears that your desire for her is so much you can't function normally. i have never advocated being cool, funny, or charming. the idea that you have to earn the right to speak your mind is not an idea i promote. you have to do no tricks to say what you said above. the rest is manning up and realizing actions speak louder than words. so even if she doesn't ravish you herself, if she doesn't run away, it's her way of saying "try me". she is giving you permission to have your way with her.

i can't tell you why you should feel worthy of women. that's something you have to figure out and decide. but i bet there are incredibly attractive women who do look at you and think you are incredibly attractive. and it's your job to find out who those women are by making the first move.

if you still find yourself unable to go after what you want, work your way up starting with women you feel comfortable around, even if they are unattractive by other's standards. all that really matters is that she turns you on. each subsequent woman should be more attractive than the last. this way you get comfortable with the process from pick up to clean up.

see my post on being a man. the responsibility to get what you want is yours. let go of the idea of being perfect, smooth, or worthy.

sex is a team sport

a lot of guys place a lot of responsibility on themselves. now, responsibility is an essential component of being a man, but a woman is a person too. as great a player as michael jackson was, he could not have scored the points he did or won the games he did without the help of his team. and while he did his best to motivate them, it was ultimately up to them to bring their "a" game. and not everyone who tried was cut out for the team. some didn't even get to try out. and those that did make the cut didn't always end up starting. some were just second stringers. what about the players who were good enough? well, they didn't all want to play for chicago. some wanted to play for los angeles or orlando.

what does this have to do with women?

my point is that having sex with a woman is not like rome sacking a city. it's not an invasion. it's not a competition. when you have sex with her, the team of you and her win. she enjoys it too. she wants it too. she's working with you to make it happen. she's not working against you and you have to get rid of all thoughts inside your head that tell you she's a thing to be conquered.

see, it's up to her whether she plays with you or not. and she has to be both willing and able. just because you want her doesn't mean you will get her. the question you have to ask yourself is why would you want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with you?

there are easy ways to see if a girl wants to play with you, if she wants to be on your team. you put your real personality forward. if she doesn't run away physically or mentally, she's down to play. when you flirt with her and tease her, she laughs. she wants you. when you touch her leg or waist, she goes with it. she wants you. but just because she's not running away doesn't mean she's good enough to play with you.

do you want any partner or do you want a great partner?

a chick who'd make a great partner, at least in my opinion based on my desires, would do that back to me. when i'm being real with her, she'll be real with me. when i'm flirting and teasing her, she'll flirt with and tease me. when i touch her, she'll touch me. i'm not just playing with her, she's playing back.

and even then that's not enough. her attempts at playing with me have to actually make me smile, they have to make me want to stay rather than run for the hills.

now, as a man, it's my job to trigger all this by actively doing what i'm seeking in return. i need someone whose good at assists and ally-oops. i need someone who can dunk. and as a man, it's my job to set up situations that test for this. but if she doesn't play back, it's not my fault. it's hers.

quit blaming yourself when she flakes on you or ignores you. quit trying to figure out how to get the girl. just go after her in a way that feels right to you; be simple and direct.

that will free you to have fun instead of living inside your head where your inner demons lurk. when you're not focused on methods, you're having fun, and you are able to test if she's the right one for you. you decide what you're looking for, she lets you know whether or not she fits that role.

you can't put a square peg inside a round hole.

intrinsic vs extrinsic motivators

we are going to discuss the two types of motivation and how that applies to a man's life. this post is about getting you off your ass and finding the motivation to do something.

there are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. intrinsic motivators originate from the inside of a person. it's his sense of purpose. to the outsider, it seems he does it for no reason other than for the love of it.

extrinsic motivators originate from the outside of a person. to the outsider, there are clear reasons why that person does what he does: money, fame, women, etc. he seeks out those tangible rewards for doing what he does.

however, it is important to note that just because someone does not get those tangible rewards does not mean their motivations are intrinsic and just because someone is rich, famous, and surrounded by women does not mean the reason they do what they do is extrinsic.

both van goh and picasso created masterpieces that sell for millions today, yet one died broke and without an ear and the other was one of the richest living artists. one felt unappreciated and misunderstood, selling not a single piece during his lifetime, and the other could not give two shits what others could or could not afford to pay for his work. one sought recognition from the art world, one pursued his artistic impulse.

often times, the intrinsically driven are the most financially successful in the world. both donald trump and bill gates stopped needing fame or fortune by the time they earned their first million and certainly their first hundred million. yet their love for what they did kept them going until they changed the way business was done, not to mention the landscape of technology and real estate.

and even those intrinsically-driven individuals that aren't financially successful find a great degree of happiness in knowing they are doing what they truly enjoy doing. as with the financially successful, their motivators, their rewards, their definitions and signals of success come from the way they feel inside rather than from any outside source.

it is hard to point to an example of someone who is intrinsically motivated, yet unsuccessful by society's standards. their lack of fame makes it hard for them to be recognizable. but we all know them. their lives aren't much different from our own. they live next to us, have the same job, know the same people and despite not being rich, famous, or particularly good with women (or people), seem to be happy nonetheless.

it's because they define success on their own terms. the reasons for doing what they do come from inside them rather than from "society." the natural question to ask then is "how do they define success?" simple. they define success in a way that lets them feel they can and do achieve it. it feels daunting to feel like you've gotta earn a million bucks by the time you're 30. yet it is easy to do and believe you can tie your shoelaces, pay the rent on time, or enjoy sharing a few laughs.

success is not about how much money you earn, but rather whether you accomplish your goal or not. those who are intrinsically motivated have not only very different reasons for doing what they do, they seek to do very different things.

take the men who want nothing more than to sleep with many different women. they may do just that. being extrinsically motivated is not a guarantee of failure to achieve external rewards. external rewards are quite nice.

but in the case of men who want to sleep with many different women and fail to do that, the one who is intrinsically motivated will end up being much happier. his reason for trying to sleep with them comes from the inside - his love for women and their company. his rewards are small and enough to keep him trying in the face of many obstacles. he enjoys talking and flirting with them. he enjoys touching them. he enjoys just being surrounded by them. the sex is nice if it happens. but it's fine if it doesn't. he's gotten what he wanted despite not getting his freak on.

now, the extrinsically motivated man will only judge his success by the fact that he has had sex with a woman. any failure to do so crushes his morale and sense of worth. he is unable to appreciate any joys he shared with a girl if he does not have sex with her.

i mention the word "enjoy" a lot in this post. yet "enjoy" is such an ambiguous word. i enjoy a slice of pizza and watching a movie with my girlfriend. the thought of skydiving terrifies me. you could enjoy doing something else. but our sense of enjoyment does share something in common. it comes from the doing, not the achieving.

enjoyment is about the pleasurable sensations we feel emotionally, mentally, and/or physically when doing something. they say a shark must swim or die. the intrinsically motivated do or be miserable.

despite van goh's lack of financial success, you can bet the world stopped turning for the joy he felt while painting. his desire to paint and express himself visually was intrinsically driven. why else paint and live the life of a pauper when there were surer ways to earn lots of money? why else pursue an artistic style few understood when he clearly had the ability to do something more commercially viable?

extrinsic and intrinsic motivators do not exist in a vacuum. people's reasons for doing things are often some mix of the two. it's hard to say bill gates or donald trump did what they did just for the love of the game. and its hard to say that ladies men who surround themselves with women would be happy living the life of celibacy. money certainly was and is a motivating factor, and an effective one at that. as is popularity. and sex.

but to be happy, a reason for doing must exist beyond those external factors. doing must also be done for the sake and joy of doing. if you focus so much on the end game, on the signs of success, you lose sight of the joy that can be had in the doing.

it's like having sex just to cum. cumming is amazing. but sex is awesome even without cumming. making out is awesome even if the clothes don't come off. going in for the kiss is fun even if she turns her cheek. getting high off her giggles is a moment enjoyed even if she is taken. being her friend is a blessing even without the benefits. and those who are only motivated extrinsically cannot enjoy women unless they cum.

don't be that guy. find reasons to enjoy the process. find your intrinsic motivators.