I have told my girlfriend that while I am happier in an exclusive relationship with her, I do miss being single sometimes. It's not the sleeping with a variety women that I miss but rather the thrill of the hunt. I miss the flirting and escalating. I miss the thrill of getting a number or whispering something in her ear just so I can get close enough to smell her perfume.
Sex was not guaranteed when I was single. Things, despite seeming well, sometimes fell through and I never heard from those women again. Other times, despite looking like a train wreck, ended up with the both of us in bed sweaty and panting. It's partly why I subconsciously rejected online dating, where outcomes seemed more guaranteed.
It's completely different with my girlfriend. Yes, we still flirt with each other and have great sex. But the sex is guaranteed. I know I can wake up in the morning or text her in the middle of the day and I'll get laid.
Don't get me wrong. A monogamous relationship more than makes up for it in other ways, and I do have plenty to lose, but the thrill of THE hunt is gone.
And that's what this post is about. As a single man, while sex is not guaranteed for any of you, what you do have on your side is the hunt. You are free to push boundaries and actually risk something - going home alone. You have something to lose.
Read that again. You have something to lose.
While others may think you have nothing to lose as a single guy, the truth is you have plenty to lose. Say the wrong thing and offend the girl or reveal your intention to sleep with her rather than harmlessly flirt, and the possibility of sleeping with her is gone. Fail to hold her interest, and the possibility of sleeping with her is gone.
Yes, it's true that if something you say or do causes her to walk away, you never really had her, but that's the point.
While single, you have possibilities. In a relationship, you have guarantees.
And while that may not sound like much, or worse, may sound like too much to risk, the truth is that you're going to miss that when it's gone.
Though this may sound contradictory to my previous posts, urging you to act despite the possibility of losing her, it is not. My advice is the same. You must risk losing her, you must risk the possibility of her losing interest in you to actually gain the opportunity to hook up with her.
All this post is about is that you must cherish the gift of being single. Quit wishing for a girlfriend or looking for a relationship or a threesome or for anything in an obsessive compulsive way. Often, getting the prize is less rewarding than going after the prize.
As a single man, you have the ability to go up to an attractive stranger and not know if she's attracted to you physically, and not know if what you say will turn her off, and not know if you'll have any chemistry. That's possibility. That's the hunt. Enjoy it.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Direct or Indirect?
So a lot of people have said my "method" takes a lot of balls because I say be direct. I agree my method takes balls. It's the only way to really show you have balls without trying hard (does a bird have to prove it has wings?). But I'm not about being direct.
I don't advocate going up to a girl and saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you".
Now, I don't advocate not doing that either. I do not advocate direct or indirect. I advocate trusting your instincts and doing what comes naturally in that moment. If it's saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you," say it. If it's direct, do it. If it's indirect, do it.
How will you know which is which? Your head is clear and instead of thinking what to do or what not to do, the words come to you. And then a little voice will say "no, don't do that". That's when you tell it to shut up and say it anyway.
Of course, instead of words, your body could tell you what to do, not say. The same thing happens. A little voice will tell you not to. Do it anyway.
And if no words come to you, you either probably don't want her or you do want her but have told your mind "no" before it's even suggested anything. In that case, say exactly that: "I want you, but I don't know what to say".
I don't advocate going up to a girl and saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you".
Now, I don't advocate not doing that either. I do not advocate direct or indirect. I advocate trusting your instincts and doing what comes naturally in that moment. If it's saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you," say it. If it's direct, do it. If it's indirect, do it.
How will you know which is which? Your head is clear and instead of thinking what to do or what not to do, the words come to you. And then a little voice will say "no, don't do that". That's when you tell it to shut up and say it anyway.
Of course, instead of words, your body could tell you what to do, not say. The same thing happens. A little voice will tell you not to. Do it anyway.
And if no words come to you, you either probably don't want her or you do want her but have told your mind "no" before it's even suggested anything. In that case, say exactly that: "I want you, but I don't know what to say".
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Secret to Happiness
If your life sucks, do something about it. But even if you choose not to, quit bitching about it. The secret to happiness is not about getting what you want. The secret to happiness is knowing that no matter what you do, there will always be pain and suffering. The rich suffer and the poor suffer. The talented suffer and so do those to have none. Guys who get girls bitch, guys who don't get girls bitch.
Knowing that you'll always have something to whine about and choosing to enjoy life instead, that's the secret to happiness.
Knowing that you'll always have something to whine about and choosing to enjoy life instead, that's the secret to happiness.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
F*ck, Date, Marry, Kill?
Despite the gruesome title of this post, the question is valid. How do you decide what you want from a girl? How do you decide if she is one night stand material, dating material, marriage material, or jail bait?
Simple: you make your decision based on how she makes you feel.
Guys try so hard not to react to women, to be alpha, to be like a mountain. No one wants to sleep with a mountain. React to women! When you see an attractive girl, your wanting her is a reaction. When you see an unattractive girl, your not wanting her is also a reaction.
But reacting to girls not only based on their looks but on the way you interact with them, you'll get the girls that make you feel good and turn you on. You'll also avoid the girls that make you feel bad and turn you off.
If you feel awkward or angry around her all the time, then chances are she's not the one. If you feel confident and sexy around her, go get her, tiger.
Alpha is owning your reactions, not avoiding them. What you choose to do with your reactions, your emotions, is what separates the men from the boys.
Choosing to show interest "too soon" only means you chose to show interest before you were actually interested, not that you showed interest before she was ready to accept your interest. Her acceptance of it has nothing to do with your desire before you reveal said desire. However, her reaction to your wanting her does have a lot to do with your following reaction. If she treats you like a dog or a punk after you make it known you want her, avoid her. Attraction is a two-way street.
In short, showing interest is like walking onto a car lot. It doesn't mean you're ready to buy the car you want at any price. It only means you're looking, trying to find out more. If the salesman doesn't present good terms, you can still walk away. It's the same with girls. Showing interest is not the same as signing a check.
Show interest freely. React freely. Commit sparingly. Commit only if it feels right. Commit only if she makes you feel good about who you are.
Simple: you make your decision based on how she makes you feel.
Guys try so hard not to react to women, to be alpha, to be like a mountain. No one wants to sleep with a mountain. React to women! When you see an attractive girl, your wanting her is a reaction. When you see an unattractive girl, your not wanting her is also a reaction.
But reacting to girls not only based on their looks but on the way you interact with them, you'll get the girls that make you feel good and turn you on. You'll also avoid the girls that make you feel bad and turn you off.
If you feel awkward or angry around her all the time, then chances are she's not the one. If you feel confident and sexy around her, go get her, tiger.
Alpha is owning your reactions, not avoiding them. What you choose to do with your reactions, your emotions, is what separates the men from the boys.
Choosing to show interest "too soon" only means you chose to show interest before you were actually interested, not that you showed interest before she was ready to accept your interest. Her acceptance of it has nothing to do with your desire before you reveal said desire. However, her reaction to your wanting her does have a lot to do with your following reaction. If she treats you like a dog or a punk after you make it known you want her, avoid her. Attraction is a two-way street.
In short, showing interest is like walking onto a car lot. It doesn't mean you're ready to buy the car you want at any price. It only means you're looking, trying to find out more. If the salesman doesn't present good terms, you can still walk away. It's the same with girls. Showing interest is not the same as signing a check.
Show interest freely. React freely. Commit sparingly. Commit only if it feels right. Commit only if she makes you feel good about who you are.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
One Night Stands
One Night Stands or ONS as the community likes to call them, is the ultimate measure of how skillful you are with women. The more one night stands you have, the more game you have. Bullshit.
One night stands are the easiest of all types of sexual relationships to form. And sleeping with many women only once is no measure of how great you are, but how lame you are.
Don't get me wrong. When I was single, one night stands certainly fun and helped build my confidence. But think about it. You're with a woman once. She doesn't call you back. You don't call her back. It's because neither of you has any interest in each other beyond just sex. And you wonder why you're still looking up skills to better "connect" with women on a social and emotional level. It's because you equate sex with that connection.
They're separate things. And the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with you again is a big clue to that.
Here's why one night stands suck. It's pouring. Or it's Christmas. And you're all alone in your apartment or dorm. All your friends are out of town visiting family. Or maybe they're out having fun while you're stuck at your place working to meet an early morning deadline. Regardless, you're trapped at your place and can't leave. Can you call up a girl get her to come over right then for a little stress relief? Even if it's just phone sex or a back massage?
Random hook ups sound good on paper. One night stands sound good on paper. But when it comes down to it, sometimes you just want to cuddle. Sometimes you just want someone who gets you and will hold you. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you less of a man. Leonidas can attest to that.
And you can't get that by posing and pretending to be someone you're not. You can't show her an illusion and expect her to fall in like with the real you.
Quit pretending to be alpha. Quit preparing for that "ultimate relationship" by seeking out one night stands. In weight lifting they say you don't build your chest by doing bicep curls. In relationship training, you don't get relationship experience by avoiding it. Everyone has sexual needs, even temporary. And there's nothing wrong with seeking out one night stands for that reason.
But don't kid yourself. It's no holy grail or measure of your success as a ladies man. To that end, neither is having one girlfriend or several girlfriends. The only measure is that enough women are interested in the real you. How much is enough? You decide that. But one is usually enough. Imagine 3-4 girls calling you every day. Again, sounds good on paper. And a boost to your ego, no doubt. But when you factor in all the other things going on in your life, all the other relationships you have to balance with that, along with the relationship with yourself through alone time, one is sometimes more than you can handle. Three to four would be torture.
But to get that one, you have to be the real you while avoiding girls who aren't interested in that. It's better to be single than with the wrong girl(s).
The steps are simple:
1) live your life.
2) have normal conversations with the girls who you are attracted to.
3) make a move on the girls who turn you on and you have fun with.
You won't be able to know everything about someone in the first meeting. Quit trying to share all of yourself with others and trying to get to know everything about someone else in that first or second meeting. Some couples get divorced after 40 years together. It took them that long to find out they were wrong for each other. Maybe they were stubborn and intentfully blind. But more likely, all relationships are transient things with their own lifetimes. When relationships stop being rewarding, get out of it. When relationships make you question yourself, whether they be relationships of 10 years or 10 minutes, leave.
In other words, quit trying to make whores into housewives and quit trying to turn housewives into whores. Not all girls want or will have one night stands, and not all girls want or will have one night stands with you.
To use one night stands or relationships as a measure of your "game" is to objectify women, to turn them into machines whose buttons you just have to push. And failure to get what you want out of them means you have no game when the reality is, game is why you're not with the women you want to be with. Game is why you keep questioning yourself.
Game is the enemy of good, healthy relationships with women -- even if having a good, healthy relationship with her means that she is not in your life.
This post started out against one night stands and ends with a warning - don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. But they come from the same place. Only seek out things that meet your needs and desires. If you have a desire for social and emotional connection, a one night stand is the worst place to get that. Then again, so is an abusive long term relationship.
Only go after what fulfills your needs and desires and fuck the rest.
One night stands are the easiest of all types of sexual relationships to form. And sleeping with many women only once is no measure of how great you are, but how lame you are.
Don't get me wrong. When I was single, one night stands certainly fun and helped build my confidence. But think about it. You're with a woman once. She doesn't call you back. You don't call her back. It's because neither of you has any interest in each other beyond just sex. And you wonder why you're still looking up skills to better "connect" with women on a social and emotional level. It's because you equate sex with that connection.
They're separate things. And the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with you again is a big clue to that.
Here's why one night stands suck. It's pouring. Or it's Christmas. And you're all alone in your apartment or dorm. All your friends are out of town visiting family. Or maybe they're out having fun while you're stuck at your place working to meet an early morning deadline. Regardless, you're trapped at your place and can't leave. Can you call up a girl get her to come over right then for a little stress relief? Even if it's just phone sex or a back massage?
Random hook ups sound good on paper. One night stands sound good on paper. But when it comes down to it, sometimes you just want to cuddle. Sometimes you just want someone who gets you and will hold you. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you less of a man. Leonidas can attest to that.
And you can't get that by posing and pretending to be someone you're not. You can't show her an illusion and expect her to fall in like with the real you.
Quit pretending to be alpha. Quit preparing for that "ultimate relationship" by seeking out one night stands. In weight lifting they say you don't build your chest by doing bicep curls. In relationship training, you don't get relationship experience by avoiding it. Everyone has sexual needs, even temporary. And there's nothing wrong with seeking out one night stands for that reason.
But don't kid yourself. It's no holy grail or measure of your success as a ladies man. To that end, neither is having one girlfriend or several girlfriends. The only measure is that enough women are interested in the real you. How much is enough? You decide that. But one is usually enough. Imagine 3-4 girls calling you every day. Again, sounds good on paper. And a boost to your ego, no doubt. But when you factor in all the other things going on in your life, all the other relationships you have to balance with that, along with the relationship with yourself through alone time, one is sometimes more than you can handle. Three to four would be torture.
But to get that one, you have to be the real you while avoiding girls who aren't interested in that. It's better to be single than with the wrong girl(s).
The steps are simple:
1) live your life.
2) have normal conversations with the girls who you are attracted to.
3) make a move on the girls who turn you on and you have fun with.
You won't be able to know everything about someone in the first meeting. Quit trying to share all of yourself with others and trying to get to know everything about someone else in that first or second meeting. Some couples get divorced after 40 years together. It took them that long to find out they were wrong for each other. Maybe they were stubborn and intentfully blind. But more likely, all relationships are transient things with their own lifetimes. When relationships stop being rewarding, get out of it. When relationships make you question yourself, whether they be relationships of 10 years or 10 minutes, leave.
In other words, quit trying to make whores into housewives and quit trying to turn housewives into whores. Not all girls want or will have one night stands, and not all girls want or will have one night stands with you.
To use one night stands or relationships as a measure of your "game" is to objectify women, to turn them into machines whose buttons you just have to push. And failure to get what you want out of them means you have no game when the reality is, game is why you're not with the women you want to be with. Game is why you keep questioning yourself.
Game is the enemy of good, healthy relationships with women -- even if having a good, healthy relationship with her means that she is not in your life.
This post started out against one night stands and ends with a warning - don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. But they come from the same place. Only seek out things that meet your needs and desires. If you have a desire for social and emotional connection, a one night stand is the worst place to get that. Then again, so is an abusive long term relationship.
Only go after what fulfills your needs and desires and fuck the rest.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Confidence Revisited
In Juggler's eBook, he says confidence is knowing the girl will like you as she gets to know you. I disagree.
Confidence is knowing that as she gets to know you, she is better situated to reject or accept you further, and regardless of what happens, you're still priceless and will be fine no matter what happens.
Confidence is knowing that as she gets to know you, she is better situated to reject or accept you further, and regardless of what happens, you're still priceless and will be fine no matter what happens.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A rare combination
A combination of what you do and how you do it is attractive to others (see last post). Similarly, what is attractive about others to you is made up of the same components but is rare and difficult to find if you are a person of discriminating taste.
That is, what a girl does (or says) and how she does (or says) it is attractive to various guys and unattractive to various guys, but the girl who is attractive in both the what and how is exceedingly rare.
If you're having difficulty with women, it's for one of two reasons: you either do not make the effort to show interest, or if you do, she isn't up to your standards. The rest of this blog explains how to show interest. But if you've made the legitimate effort to show interest and you still find it difficult to keep a girlfriend, then the issue is that a woman who is good enough for you has not yet been found.
Here is why it is so difficult: she must share similar interests as you. If you like intellectual discussions and she enjoys drinking and reading the gossip pages, it is unlikely you'll stay together long. Yes, women have different interests than guys and expecting her to be your best friend is not what I'm talking about here. And I'm not talking about someone who is exactly like you. She doesn't have to vote the same way you do or be of the same religion or race. Redundancy is boring. But some common ground is essential. I'm talking a shared background such as being from the same state or having similar family values, or sharing interests such as reading or watching movies. If she likes staying in and you like partying all night long, she's not right for you. If she thinks voting is not important and you do, she's probably not right for you. If it feels like you're talking to a wall, she's not right for you.
But common interests aren't enough. How she expresses those interests are key too. Is she unashamed of stating her desires and interests or tentative? Does she put her interests before you? Is she shy about speaking her mind or does she refuse to try new things? It varies from guy to guy and for you, you might like someone more outgoing or more reserved. You might like someone more dominant or someone more submissive. It varies from guy to guy.
But these two qualities aren't enough to label her your girlfriend or consider her girlfriend material. Sure, on paper, she may be exactly what you are looking for. And you know the life you'd live together would be grand. But if she's not into you, the relationship is one sided. You need to find someone else who returns your interest at least as much, and preferably more.
Take these three factors into consideration, and you'll see why its so difficult to choose a long-term mate. Of course, there is no rule saying you have to be celibate in your search for her or that such judgements can be made in the first interaction.
But it is possible to see in the first interaction whether or not you can and do get along well - whether there is any chemistry. If not, it's not you. It's her. Move on.
That is, what a girl does (or says) and how she does (or says) it is attractive to various guys and unattractive to various guys, but the girl who is attractive in both the what and how is exceedingly rare.
If you're having difficulty with women, it's for one of two reasons: you either do not make the effort to show interest, or if you do, she isn't up to your standards. The rest of this blog explains how to show interest. But if you've made the legitimate effort to show interest and you still find it difficult to keep a girlfriend, then the issue is that a woman who is good enough for you has not yet been found.
Here is why it is so difficult: she must share similar interests as you. If you like intellectual discussions and she enjoys drinking and reading the gossip pages, it is unlikely you'll stay together long. Yes, women have different interests than guys and expecting her to be your best friend is not what I'm talking about here. And I'm not talking about someone who is exactly like you. She doesn't have to vote the same way you do or be of the same religion or race. Redundancy is boring. But some common ground is essential. I'm talking a shared background such as being from the same state or having similar family values, or sharing interests such as reading or watching movies. If she likes staying in and you like partying all night long, she's not right for you. If she thinks voting is not important and you do, she's probably not right for you. If it feels like you're talking to a wall, she's not right for you.
But common interests aren't enough. How she expresses those interests are key too. Is she unashamed of stating her desires and interests or tentative? Does she put her interests before you? Is she shy about speaking her mind or does she refuse to try new things? It varies from guy to guy and for you, you might like someone more outgoing or more reserved. You might like someone more dominant or someone more submissive. It varies from guy to guy.
But these two qualities aren't enough to label her your girlfriend or consider her girlfriend material. Sure, on paper, she may be exactly what you are looking for. And you know the life you'd live together would be grand. But if she's not into you, the relationship is one sided. You need to find someone else who returns your interest at least as much, and preferably more.
Take these three factors into consideration, and you'll see why its so difficult to choose a long-term mate. Of course, there is no rule saying you have to be celibate in your search for her or that such judgements can be made in the first interaction.
But it is possible to see in the first interaction whether or not you can and do get along well - whether there is any chemistry. If not, it's not you. It's her. Move on.
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