Boys Night Out

Saturday night, I had a boys night out with two of my good friends. One recently broke up with his girlfriend and was nervous about trying to pick up girls after being out of practice for nearly 4 years. Which is understandable as it's only been a month since the break up was official.

The other friend just moved here from South America and to turn on his charm, he simply turns on his accent.

Guess which one got more numbers. Guess if I think it matters. I don't.

After chatting for a while, sharing stories of past conquests and failures, we were feeling frisky and with our drinks in hand, started talking to some women.

Now, both friends have different tastes in women. My buddy from South America is intimated by tall girls. So he didn't talk to them. My other buddy is intimated by tall girls too, but he enjoys intimidation. A girl who intimidates him turns him on.

Both guys approached women. Both used different tactics. My South America friend would stare down a girl. And I don't mean simply look at her, but actually stare at her. When she looked back at him, he'd go and talk to her. He didn't approach a lot of women however. That whole night, I think he approached only two women. The second one's boyfriend came over. And the first one worked there, pushing a cart around with various elixirs.

He ended up getting neither of their numbers. But they were the only two women he felt a compelling need to talk to. He could care less for the others, so he didn't bother.

The lesson to learn from him is that he just did what he wanted.

For example, once three girls approached all three of us. One was smoking. The other two were just cute. My South American friend was only interested in the hot one. She wasn't hot enough for him to approach, but hot enough to let her do the work. In fact, I think she approached because physically speaking, she was most attracted to my South American friend. Unfortunately for him, once she started talking to all of us, she seemed more interested in my other buddy. Which left the two of us playing wingman with the two other girls. I did my part. Which is flirt and keep her entertained without betraying my girlfriend. Which simply means joking around, teasing, and a few compliments without leading her on.

My South American friend however, happened to be distracted by the elixir girl. As he chatted her up, one of the girls felt left out and scorned, so she took her friends with her to the bathroom. I actually had to point out to my South American friend why they left. But neither of us held it against him. He was simply following his instincts. He wasn't attracted to the girls we were with, so he focused on the one he was attracted to.

My recently single friend, on the other hand, approached anyone he found reasonably attractive. His take - it's too soon for him to date anyone seriously right now when he's still carrying a flame for his ex, so it's simply all about the sex should he get so lucky. Some were cougars. Some were younger. In my opinion, I thought all were hot.

His approach was surprisingly bold, yet formulaic. Regardless if a girl was with a group or not, he'd walk up, say hi, and trade introductions. Then he'd say he found her (or the entire group) attractive and was wondering if she (or if anyone of them) was single because he wasn't interested in stepping on any toes.

Invariably, some were single. And they flirted for a bit, getting to know each other, teasing one another, joking, touching, etc. When conversation ran dry, he'd ask them out for coffee, regardless of how well the conversation went, regardless of how much chemistry he felt. Then he came back to join us and brag.

Some rejected him. But most accepted. Of the girls who agreed to meet up with him, every single one of them have set up a date this week with him. Sometimes a guy just gets lucky.

The thing to learn from him is that he kept his words simple. It was straight to the point and without any BS. Flirting was saved till after he confessed he was attracted to her and she admitted she was single and open to dating.

But his vibe, or attitude, all night was "I'm just having some fun." He was in a good mood and it didn't feel like he was working. I theorize that he could have said anything and still gotten the number if he kept the same vibe. But the very fact that the words did not matter meant he could cut out all the bullshit "gaming" and focus on straight talk. Good attitude + directness = success for him. Not with every girl he was interested in. But with enough to keep him happy.

The funny thing is, he unknowingly went for the elixir girl too. She rejected him, but she also explained why. It might have been bullshit, but had my South American friend just asked her out, he'd have not wasted the entire night pining about her and freed himself to move on. Or gotten her number if it was indeed bullshit and she was simply attracted to Mr. South America and not my single friend.

At the end of the night, Mr. South America actually said he thought he didn't waste time bullshitting until he saw how my single friend rolled. Needless to say, Mr. South America will not be wasting any more time cutting to the chase anymore.

That's not to say he had a bad or unsuccessful night. It's just that my single friend was the only one who got any numbers and dates from that night. Their cute friends were very interested in Mr. South America, so I'm sure if those dates turn into double dates, both guys will be getting laid.

Meeting the Folks

It's always nerve racking to meet a girl's family for the first time. With her friends, it's likely they share her sense of humor or have something else in common with her. So if you get along with her, it's almost guaranteed you'll get along with her friends.

But her parents are a different story. Even if they do share the same sense of humor as you, you'll still find the need to hold some thoughts back. Sex jokes, for example, are off the table unless they're subtle.

A simple rule to help get by is that if you won't say it in front of your parents, don't say it in front of hers. Outside of that, have fun and let the good times roll.

Motive

From a reader:

I was wondering if you'd talk about what drove you early on (also what held you back), to break out of your shyness and approach women/hook up on a regular basis and what your goals were then and how they've changed, now that you've gotten experience. Thanks

Strangely, what drove me early on had nothing to do with girls. I'm a writer by trade. But what held me back was people skills, or rather, lack of them. I'd been an only child growing up, overweight, didn't wear name brand clothes, was teased mercilessly for everything from my weight, my race, to my name. Needless to say, my self esteem was very very low. However, at the same time I was keeping away from people, I studied, got good grades, pursued my passion for writing, and generally did things I enjoyed - only by myself. And yeah, I had people I hung out with and had fun with. And yeah, there were girls who hit on me, though I was oblivious at the time.

Fast forward to after college (and after I'd lost the weight), when I was still painfully shy. I had a hard time getting jobs and selling myself because I couldn't talk to people normally. While searching for tips on conversational ability, I stumbled onto the community.

It drew me in primarily because it was so specific about what to say and when. And the way I saw it, if I could talk a girl into taking her clothes off, I could nail any interview and pitch my ideas successfully. I was right, of course, but I had to find out the hard way that having routines was the worst way to go about doing either of those things.

Being a loner, I've always been self-motivated and driven. I figured if I got rich and famous, friends and women would come to me (while that's probably true, in hindsight, that's a horrible way to do it. How would you separate real friends from fair-weather friends?). When I decided to improve my people skills and get laid, I simply redirected my focus. My natural drive for success took over.

At first, yeah, I was scared to approach. I started with little exercises like keeping eye contact or saying hi to passersby. It worked great and I saw that just doing that had women winking at me and starting conversations with me. I was just too much of a pussy to keep it going.

The first time I decided to get a number, I got it. I simply nodded at what she said while doing my best to hide my boner and ultra-fast (and loud) heartbeats. Then I just asked if she'd like to go out.

Then I read some advice on what to say and do on the phone and how I should never agree to a day or time she suggests in order to keep the upper hand. So naturally, I did that and blew my shot with her. She was hot too.

I thought the reason I blew it was because I didn't know enough. Looking back, I realize it was because I was direct that I got the number (the boner and nervousness probably helped too). And I most definitely lost the date because I played games.

Some days I talked to lots of women. Some I didn't talk to any. Some days I got lots of solid numbers. Some I got lots of flakes. And some I didn't get any. Some dates were good and fun, but I was too much of a pussy to make a move. And other dates were had the worst awkward silences. And of course, amidst all the rejections, I had a shit load of successes. More than if I'd had if I tried to avoid all the bad experiences.

As my confidence and belief in myself grew, as I made friends who were good with women, and as I made friends with women, I started believing in myself and relying less and less on the "right way" of doing things and just focused on doing things the way I enjoyed it. Not every girl enjoyed my company and those who didn't, I didn't get. I didn't get every girl, but I never got every girl to begin with. So no loss there. I saw it as an acceptable price to pay for being happy with myself and the way I did things.

And the ones I did get, well, they loved the way I did things. They loved that I was introverted. They loved that I hated clubbing and was a movie snob. They loved that I was direct but inexplicably nervous at times. They liked that I wasn't always sure what to do and didn't try to hide it. And the things I tried to hide, they loved that about me too. I "got" them because they wanted me. I defined myself by the way I did things and the things I did.

Some realizations about how easy hooking up was didn't strike me until after I'd already gotten into a relationship with my current girlfriend (almost 2 years strong). That's not to say I didn't do any of this while single. I did. It's just I didn't realize what I was doing or why it worked until after I'd given up chasing pussy.

I'd (and still do) flirt with women just for the sake of flirting, knowing I wouldn't cross that line into cheating. And I also try to hook up friends of mine who are single and are too scared to approach. The theories have worked for me and my friends ballsy enough to try it, and I share them here for the world to benefit.

My goals now are simple - keep living the good life. It may or may not include marriage. It may or may not include kids. But it definitely involves sex and my girlfriend. And writing. And TV. And money. And UFC.

Direct or Indirect?

So a lot of people have said my "method" takes a lot of balls because I say be direct. I agree my method takes balls. It's the only way to really show you have balls without trying hard (does a bird have to prove it has wings?). But I'm not about being direct.

I don't advocate going up to a girl and saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you".

Now, I don't advocate not doing that either. I do not advocate direct or indirect. I advocate trusting your instincts and doing what comes naturally in that moment. If it's saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you," say it. If it's direct, do it. If it's indirect, do it.

How will you know which is which? Your head is clear and instead of thinking what to do or what not to do, the words come to you. And then a little voice will say "no, don't do that". That's when you tell it to shut up and say it anyway.

Of course, instead of words, your body could tell you what to do, not say. The same thing happens. A little voice will tell you not to. Do it anyway.

And if no words come to you, you either probably don't want her or you do want her but have told your mind "no" before it's even suggested anything. In that case, say exactly that: "I want you, but I don't know what to say".