Being Manley

RIP Dirk

2011-01-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, January 13th, Dirk was walking home from the bars after saying goodbye to friends. He was hit by a drunk driver at 1:53am. Dirk died instantly. He is survived by two loving parents and a devoted girlfriend. I don't feel right sharing this, but I know how much he loved sharing his insight and experience with guys struggling to get a grasp on this part of their life. We had a special relationship and you will be missed.

Hate mail

2011-01-10T12:30:00.000-08:00

Well, more of a comment from GK's blog. One I didn't see till just now.

I've gotta say, I've not laughed so hard all day today. Thanks, Mark.

Wow – dirk is a huge dick and completely full of himself. He will attract low quality skanks and hos with these awesome moves. He sounds like an SNL skit. Wait, am I being punked! You got me!

Now to find my skanky ho and feed her my meat...

Work is the new Alcohol

2011-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently got out of a relationship. He's hooked up with a few girls since then. But I've noticed something about him. He's become a workaholic. Not that focusing on work is a bad thing. But, he's become more withdrawn from us. He feels excluded from conversations because no one wants to hear him talk about work. As a result, he rarely hangs out with us because he feels like we've grown apart. So we don't get to spend much time together. And he has no interest in dating either, because he has nothing he wants to talk about with them. As he gets more self-sufficient, he has less to share with others.

It reminds me of the plot to the movie "Yes Man," or rather, the far better book it was based on.

And my advice for him is somewhat different. Because the work he does is important. When trying to achieve great things, there is a cost. If he was simply a paper pusher at an insurance company, I'd tell him to get out more, do some fun things on his own, just for himself. Have an adventure or two to remind him of who he is apart from everyone else.

His work requires him to work as hard as he does. Seventy hours a week is a short week. His social life won't be what it was. And his true friends will understand and be there for him when he's done. Of course, he should still come out when he can. And women love him, even when he has nothing much to say. For all those other times, he has a hand and the Internet.

But the point is that everyone has different priorities. And my #1 isn't the same as his or your #1. And that's okay.

So You're The Quiet Type

2011-01-02T23:00:00.001-08:00

In keeping with my shorter posts rule, here's another short one.

You're not much of a talker. What do you do to keep the conversation going?

Listen.

That's it. Actually listen. Don't think of what to say. Don't think of how to relate or reward that. Just listen. It's also okay to let yourself show you are listening.

When you actually listen to someone, you keep eye contact and respond with things like "yeah," "cool," and "uh huh." It might raise other questions in your mind. You might think of a funny joke. By actually listening, you free yourself to reacting honestly, even if it's with a simple "schwing!"

On the other hand, if you pretend to listen or try to look like you're listening, you're gonna stare a hole into her head.

If she's at all interested, this works even when she's not saying anything. Just shut up and listen.

Australians are Awesome

2010-12-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Greg!

Why the Community is Wrong

2010-12-27T12:26:00.001-08:00

Nate asks:

If you have the time or inclination I'd really love to hear how you view this whole downside of the community, the apparent decent into misogyny as it were, or any ways to snap yourself out of that negative thinking

It's been a long time since I've read any community material so anything I comment about relates back to what I saw when I entered through when I left.

However, I think any company promoting how to make yourself "more attractive" or to "get ANY girl" still suffers from the same problems.

The same problems being that women are all the same and react the same to the same things. To me, that is bullshit.

The only way a company can make you "more attractive" is by assuming all women react positively to the same things and if you hit those points, all women will react positively to you.

Likewise, the only way you can get ANY girl you want is by assuming she is a video game, and if you press the right combination of buttons, you'll get the reaction you want.

Again, bullshit. And when you read those messages like that, you realize why it is bullshit.

The easiest way to get past those messages is to try saying the same thing to every girl in the same way. When you see that different girls react differently, you realize that not all women are the same.

Knowing that different women react differently to different things, there are different ways to handle this:

1) Adapt to them. That is, if one likes the sweet sensitive type, you become the sweet sensitive type for her. If another likes you to be more aggressive, you be more aggressive around her. This is, to some degree, what the community advocates. And if you enjoy doing this, go for it. I know lots of guys who enjoy figuring a girl out and playing their cards so they get her. And they're not associated with the community in any way. But they enjoy doing it rather than hating doing it and complaining about it all the time.

2) Be yourself. That is, you tell the jokes you find funny. You pay attention to the things you find interesting. You might be aggressive. You might be a bit more coy. Some girls will dig it. Some won't. The ones that do keep close. The ones that don't stay away.

This is how I choose to be. I have no interest in women who I have to "work" for. People shouldn't have to work for each other. I don't want to make a woman work for me. It should be easy for her to want to be with me. Again, it should be easy for her to WANT to be with me. Sometimes we have to prioritize. If she has to choose between a date with me and dinner with friends she hasn't seen in a while, I totally understand if she postpones and makes a counteroffer. If she chooses to watch Survivor instead of going out with me and provides no counteroffer, I understand too and I quickly lose interest because she doesn't have enough interest in me. It's not that she's not working for me. It's that she doesn't want me enough. When you love what you do, it's not work.

It's not a truth, it's a philosophy, an opinion. And I live my life how I want to live it. It's a choice I made and make every day. The guys I know who adapt to the girls they want, that's a choice they made too. And they're accepting of that. To not make the choice, that's what's unacceptable and leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.

This is where my frustration with the community comes from. It implies you have no say in the matter. It implies the only way to get women is their way. It glorifies one type of woman over the other when in fact, what makes a person valuable to another is not who they are but rather how you relate to them. Do they laugh at your jokes - the stuff you find funny? Do you laugh at theirs? Do you feel good around them? Do they feel good around you? It doesn't matter if she's a surgeon or a brunette or some other arbitrary measure of quality.

All that matters is how you feel around her. If you feel bad around her even if on paper she's perfect, she's not quality. And if you feel great around her, even if on paper she's a ditz, then she's gold. And the best part is, you don't have to change a thing about yourself to judge how you feel around someone. You just have to value yourself enough to do something about it.

When you want money, you get a job. When you want your laces tied, you tie them. When you want a girl, you make a move. Who you make that move on and how you make it, that's all up to you. And some girls will like how you operate. And some won't.

Their reaction should only tell you if she's right for you, not whether you are attractive or ugly. Her reaction has nothing to do with your value as a person but whether she is someone who is worth your time. The community implies the opposite.

Mistakes = Lessons

2010-12-21T13:11:00.001-08:00

Too many people try to be perfect, to do without error. But the lessons we learn best are the ones we learn only after we fuck up.

Here's an email from a reader, edited to focus on the lessons learned:

Man, I'm pretty hurt right now.

I hung out with her. I started to touch her, and as I leaned in to kiss her, she said that she really needed to tell me something. She said we should just be friends...that even though she has fun with me, she says she knows that our relationship won't go anywhere serious.

She said she trusts her instincts and can tell within a couple minutes of meeting someone whether they're someone she can seriously date. She says she trusts her instincts on this and knows who would be a good match and who wouldn't. She does not jump into bed with anyone, and she only does serious dating. This, to me, totally affirms what you've said about game being pointless and that attraction is instinctive and you have no say in it.

She said she actually wanted me to ask her on a date, using the word "date" instead of just asking her to hang out. She wondered how, after three months, I never seriously asked her out. To me, honestly, I am very open to the idea of traditional dating -- it's just that community taught me so much garbage about how you should not be direct and simply ask her on a date. It's especially damaging that the community kind of implies that girls are a bunch of whores who are not into traditional dating.

I was holding her and said "maybe it's inappropriate to blurt out, but I think that you're really hot too" She totally lit up.

When she said I'm a nice guy, I actually felt a little insulted by that and told her that I feel really insecure about being perceived as a nice guy because I don't want to be seen as a pushover. She was really surprised that I'd be concerned about being seen as a pushover and if anything she thought I was really strong willed and very self confident while still being a really sweet, nice guy. I guess I feel so defensive about being seen as a nice guy because the community taught me it's a bad thing.

These points really hit home to me and taught me that girls are not whores who shun dating -- that the girls I'm into value quality dating, and they value DIRECTNESS -- as in they literally want a guy to tell them that they want to take her out and spend some time getting to know her.

I've gotten dates with girls who are intelligent but I've fucked it up with a lot of these girls because I've taken an immature approach to dating. Maybe it's just me but I notice a lot of similarities in the girls I get dates with, so many similarities that it's just eerie almost: they usually don't go to bars, they're usually not into facebook because they value their privacy a lot, they're usually introverted but sweet and open up more over time, they're usually VERY intelligent and some are a little nerdy, they usually have some solid interests (like volunteering, reading literature, learning an instrument, etc) that makes them interesting people, they do not date loser guys who don't have interests in life and aren't intelligent, and finally, they all rejected me when I didn't appear that I would seriously date them (probably because I'd talk about how I like to drunkenly party, which does not give an accurate description of my personality to a stranger who's just getting to know me).

Like, I've been so brainwashed by the community that girls just want to get fucked and shun traditional dating that it's left me so scared to just treat a girl right and take her on some dates. Even stuff like doing "the stone" in bars, I think is detrimental because a lot of the girls that I like just are NOT into that kind of thing and prefer to be intimate behind closed doors only. But I know at heart I'm a romantic and I want to date and all that stuff.

I didn't get this girl, but I feel so much more confident about opening directly and being direct because of what she told me today (because they instinctively know whether they'll date you or not so why beat around the bush), and also that I don't want to have sex on the first couple dates because I want to really get to like a girl first -- at this point in my life the connection is really important to me.

The experience taught me that she likes the sweet, low-key, nice me, and that I shouldn't shy away from that. I feel like in the future, I will be upfront with girls with my nice-guy mannerisms.

I feel much more comfortable asking a girl out by looking her straight in the eye and sincerely saying "I like you, and honestly, I'd like to hang out with you on a date, and just hang out and get to know each other better." I will provide a direction for the kind of date that I want. I'm fully expecting that it will freak some girls out, but after tonight's talk with this girl, I know it won't freak out the kinds of girls I'm into.

It would be an acceptable price to pay to get shot down by 99 girls if 1 girl that I'm really into says yes and it ultimately leads to an awesome relationship. I can't express how much more confident I feel in doing that after talking with this girl tonight, and hopefully that's a good silver lining in all this.

Congrats dude. You know what you want. And you're willing to drop the bullshit in order to get it. That's 99% of it. The rest of it is up to the girl. As you said, it will freak some girls out, but it won't freak out the kinds of girls you are into.

Grow a Beard and Dress like a Bum

2010-12-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, not really. But quit doing things just because you think they'll help you get girls. Usually, the exact opposite (ie, not giving a shit) works better.

For example, I was grabbing a beer with some friends, and while waiting for our next round at the bar, I noticed several hot girls stand beside me to order while casually making conversation. There were several other spots they could have stood as it was a Wednesday night and the bar was next to dead.

I forgot to mention I was wearing a grey sweatshirt and a 2 month old beard. Maybe these chicks just happened to be into guys with beards. Maybe they dug I wasn't wearing a gay muscle shirt. Or maybe they were just horny and I seemed a sure thing.

It's happened to me several times in the past. I don't dress nice. I dress comfortable. I don't care about gelling up my hair or shaving or anything fancy. I don't even wear shoes, choosing flip flops instead.

And girls come talk to me. I can't explain it, but I know that when I shave, comb my hair, wear nice pants and shirts, and shoes, I have to go up and talk to girls. And I notice that the reason I do those things is because I'm planning to go talk to girls.

It's when I don't give a shit that they talk to me. Then my instincts take over.

On Instinct pt 2

2010-11-29T13:38:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to keep my posts short these days, so even if I post multiple times a day, my goal is to have short easy to read advice.

On my last boys night out, I saw a great example of instinct. My recently single buddy elbowed a girl's boob accidentally. She didn't complain and simply said excuse me as she and her friend walked away. He stopped her and apologized profusely, kissing his fingers and rubbing it on the outside of the boob he hit. This got her and her friend laughing.

When asked who they were here with they pointed at each other. He asked if they were lesbian lovers. Like him, I was genuinely confused by their answer and thought the same thing. But this got them laughing even harder and more into him.

After some mundane getting to know each other, flirting, and touching with both of them, he got their numbers. Both of theirs. In front of the other. And they both brushed against his dick while leaving.

He simply said and did the first thing that came to mind without worrying about the consequences. He didn't care if he got numbers or sex despite being horny as hell since he felt he wasn't ready for either as a result of his recent break up. But he didn't let his past drama affect him from having a good time either.

On Instinct pt 1

2010-11-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

I was asked to do a post on instinct vs fear.

Here's a good commercial that explains extinct. Commercials usually explain getting girls better than schools.

What this commercial does is focus on a passive viewer's ego. The second tiger has the prey surrender to it, he succeeds in this fiction, so viewers invariably want to be the second tiger.

A smart viewer, however, sees that because there are two types of tiger, and not just one type, both methods must work. If first method did not work, it would simply be impossible for the first tiger to exist. Thank you, natural selection.

Both tigers operate on instinct in this case. And both tigers survive, even if we focus on any one tiger's failure at any moment in time.

If that little voice is telling you to approach her or even if it's telling you to not approach her, and you do anyway, that's instinct. If that little voice is telling you to approach or not approach, and you do not approach, that's fear.

Face your fears. And smile when doing it.

Boys Night Out

2010-11-29T10:29:00.001-08:00

Saturday night, I had a boys night out with two of my good friends. One recently broke up with his girlfriend and was nervous about trying to pick up girls after being out of practice for nearly 4 years. Which is understandable as it's only been a month since the break up was official.

The other friend just moved here from South America and to turn on his charm, he simply turns on his accent.

Guess which one got more numbers. Guess if I think it matters. I don't.

After chatting for a while, sharing stories of past conquests and failures, we were feeling frisky and with our drinks in hand, started talking to some women.

Now, both friends have different tastes in women. My buddy from South America is intimated by tall girls. So he didn't talk to them. My other buddy is intimated by tall girls too, but he enjoys intimidation. A girl who intimidates him turns him on.

Both guys approached women. Both used different tactics. My South America friend would stare down a girl. And I don't mean simply look at her, but actually stare at her. When she looked back at him, he'd go and talk to her. He didn't approach a lot of women however. That whole night, I think he approached only two women. The second one's boyfriend came over. And the first one worked there, pushing a cart around with various elixirs.

He ended up getting neither of their numbers. But they were the only two women he felt a compelling need to talk to. He could care less for the others, so he didn't bother.

The lesson to learn from him is that he just did what he wanted.

For example, once three girls approached all three of us. One was smoking. The other two were just cute. My South American friend was only interested in the hot one. She wasn't hot enough for him to approach, but hot enough to let her do the work. In fact, I think she approached because physically speaking, she was most attracted to my South American friend. Unfortunately for him, once she started talking to all of us, she seemed more interested in my other buddy. Which left the two of us playing wingman with the two other girls. I did my part. Which is flirt and keep her entertained without betraying my girlfriend. Which simply means joking around, teasing, and a few compliments without leading her on.

My South American friend however, happened to be distracted by the elixir girl. As he chatted her up, one of the girls felt left out and scorned, so she took her friends with her to the bathroom. I actually had to point out to my South American friend why they left. But neither of us held it against him. He was simply following his instincts. He wasn't attracted to the girls we were with, so he focused on the one he was attracted to.

My recently single friend, on the other hand, approached anyone he found reasonably attractive. His take - it's too soon for him to date anyone seriously right now when he's still carrying a flame for his ex, so it's simply all about the sex should he get so lucky. Some were cougars. Some were younger. In my opinion, I thought all were hot.

His approach was surprisingly bold, yet formulaic. Regardless if a girl was with a group or not, he'd walk up, say hi, and trade introductions. Then he'd say he found her (or the entire group) attractive and was wondering if she (or if anyone of them) was single because he wasn't interested in stepping on any toes.

Invariably, some were single. And they flirted for a bit, getting to know each other, teasing one another, joking, touching, etc. When conversation ran dry, he'd ask them out for coffee, regardless of how well the conversation went, regardless of how much chemistry he felt. Then he came back to join us and brag.

Some rejected him. But most accepted. Of the girls who agreed to meet up with him, every single one of them have set up a date this week with him. Sometimes a guy just gets lucky.

The thing to learn from him is that he kept his words simple. It was straight to the point and without any BS. Flirting was saved till after he confessed he was attracted to her and she admitted she was single and open to dating.

But his vibe, or attitude, all night was "I'm just having some fun." He was in a good mood and it didn't feel like he was working. I theorize that he could have said anything and still gotten the number if he kept the same vibe. But the very fact that the words did not matter meant he could cut out all the bullshit "gaming" and focus on straight talk. Good attitude + directness = success for him. Not with every girl he was interested in. But with enough to keep him happy.

The funny thing is, he unknowingly went for the elixir girl too. She rejected him, but she also explained why. It might have been bullshit, but had my South American friend just asked her out, he'd have not wasted the entire night pining about her and freed himself to move on. Or gotten her number if it was indeed bullshit and she was simply attracted to Mr. South America and not my single friend.

At the end of the night, Mr. South America actually said he thought he didn't waste time bullshitting until he saw how my single friend rolled. Needless to say, Mr. South America will not be wasting any more time cutting to the chase anymore.

That's not to say he had a bad or unsuccessful night. It's just that my single friend was the only one who got any numbers and dates from that night. Their cute friends were very interested in Mr. South America, so I'm sure if those dates turn into double dates, both guys will be getting laid.

End Game vs Small Talk

2010-11-25T09:12:00.001-08:00

Small Talk:

1. Talking about things you don't care about
2. Justifying what you want to do without needing to justify
3. Focusing on details like phone numbers and other logistics

End Game:

1. Focusing on the prize (ie a date, sex, etc).

When you meet a girl, do not waste time saying "I'm attracted to you" or "I think you're attractive". In general, there is nothing wrong with that. And if you are able to say it in such a way that doesn't imply you want her to take the lead, by all means, say it.

But if that is your way of saying "I'll do whatever you want to do, just let me know what that is", then do not say it.

Instead, focus on the end game. When you meet a girl and it comes time to close, say "let's get out of here" or "have a drink with me tonight" or "Buy me a gelatto this Friday".

If it's time to kiss her, a simple "come here" works.

Specific directions, no justifying. Focus on the end game. It's called leading. Try it.

Happy Thanksgiving to my regular and not-so-regular reader(s).

The Evolutionary Perspective

2010-11-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to write about why girls are attracted to certain types of guys and how that relates to our evolutionary biology. But an interesting book on the topic is Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan.

I am instead going to write about how predators adapt to their situation and how that relates to guys picking up girls.

For example, there are a variety of big cat predators. The lion and the tiger the most obvious. But the way they look and move are as much a result of genetics as they are a result of their surroundings. One lives in the open plains of Africa, the other in the jungles of Asia. One preys on gazelles and zebras, the other on antelope and elephants. Different needs resulted in different methods and structures to ensure the same thing - survival of the species.

In relation to getting girls, guys in different situations develop different methods towards achieving the same ends - regular sex.

For example, a friend of mine used to work as a cashier at a retail giant. Every shift, he'd have a line of girls waiting to flirt with him. Well, pay for the products they wanted. But because he didn't give a shit about his job or the pay, the fringe benefits were what kept him around. At the end of every shift, he'd have 2-3 numbers and 1-2 dates at the end of every week. He got them by flirting with every reasonably attractive female customer. Sometimes he'd talk about their purchases, sometimes by trying to get them to buy something else. And sometimes simply by blurting it out. He didn't have a lot of time to get to know a person, so he had to keep it short and snappy. Despite being an introvert, on the clock, he was outgoing and friendly. No customer complaints in either department.

Another friend of mine works 60-70hrs a week. He doesn't have time to meet girls except for when he's driving. He has even less time than the friend above. When he sees a cute girl in the car beside him, he doesn't waste any time. The window comes down and he asks if she's single. Regardless of her answer, he then asks for her number. Some girls dig his car. It's nothing special. But it's well taken care of. Some girls dig his confidence and cut to the chase attitude. Some girls think he's cute. And some think he's hilarious simply because he's so playful about it.

Frat boys tend to "hook up" with sorority girls. CEOs and political leaders tend to be married and/or use escorts or interns. Different circumstances breed different methods. In other words, your lifestyle affects who you get and how you get them.

Some lifestyles are better suited to monogamy. Some, despite the best intentions of those involved, tend to be better suited to more promiscuous sex.

And even within those confines, who they sleep with and how they end up sleeping with them vary even more.

I believe in being direct and cutting to the chase because it worked for me and my lifestyle. I am in a monogamous relationship now because it currently works best for me.

Your goal is to find what works for you. If you are in college, hooking up rather than dating is probably better suited to you. But that assumes you're in places convenient to hooking up. Maybe traditionally dating better suits your lifestyle despite being in a situation that encourages other manners of procreation, such as being indirect or playing it slow and smooth.

There is no one size fits all method. But if you find a method you are able to use confidently and consistently, it will eliminate the bad prospects (most likely in the form of them rejecting you) and attract those who dig that about you.

In other words, no matter what method you use, rejection happens. It's a necessary part of the process. And seeking to avoid rejection is seeking to avoid any method and likely to result in no success.

Leading pt 3

2010-11-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

This past Halloween weekend, a couple of friends, me, and my girlfriend went to a different part of town to celebrate. I was particularly excited because my girl seemed into the idea of hooking up with a girl on Halloween. And bar hopping seemed best suited to such an event.

Now, while I try to pick up chicks for my friends, I'm rusty in terms of getting girls for myself. It's been over two years for me.

However, my enthusiasm rather than my fears prevailed.

I felt I talked too much with the first chick. As I was getting a drink at the bar, I happen to notice a cute girl sitting next to me. I sniffed her hair. Not subtly, but not too over the top either. Just enough so that she'd notice.

As a man, it's important to know what girls like. But not too much either. For example, it's important to know most girls like having their hair pulled and enjoy sex. But you don't want to know too much either. To keep the element of mystery and discovery alive.

Standing close to a man and having him inhale her is one of those things every man should know about every girl. She likes it. She likes being touched. But knowing where every woman likes to be sniffed and touched - that's something you have to find out in the moment and not try to research before hand. Just as reading the dictionary can be fun, so can exploring her body.

And that's all I did. I sniffed her hair. It smelled of coconut. I love coconut. So that's what I said. My questions were purely logistical because that's all I cared about. And she seemed into me. Where I think I screwed up was when I asked if she was available. Sometimes it makes sense to ask that question. Like when getting a phone number. Because you don't want to call her or be too overt in case her boyfriend sees her phone.

But it doesn't make sense for a one night stand. If she's not interested or not available, she just won't follow. If she is, reminding her she has a boyfriend is shooting yourself in the foot. I don't care much for "social intelligence" but I do put a big emphasis on common sense. This falls in the latter. I shot myself in the foot.

She said maybe, that depends on whose asking. I was pretty blunt when I said I was. She said "I'm not". It wasn't easy to hear, but it was honest. And while I can look at it like I just saved some time, I can't help but feel like if I hadn't asked about her availability and just led, we'd have hooked up that night.

I exited graciously and on to the next one.

I met her at another bar. Similar situation. I was at the bar ordering a drink. It was crowded and I saw her sitting next to me. A chance for me to redeem myself.

I look at her. She doesn't see me. I feel her shoulder. Strong. She looked me. I ask her what she's supposed to be. Nothing. She didn't dress up. I tell her that's lame. Even I dressed up. I didn't do much, but I dressed up.

Now, I could have spent the next fifteen minutes talking about costumes and coming up with fake characters she could claim she dressed up as. But I remembered the downfalls of talking too much. And I was more excited in the possibility of a threesome. My most immediate concern got my attention.

I stuck my head into her neck on the side opposite me. My hand may have rested on her thigh as I did this. When I first noticed her, I loved her head-crushing thighs and told myself I had to touch them before the night was over. One goal accomplished. She smelled nice. I told her this.

She didn't know what to say. Logistical questions again. Who are you here with? How far do you live. I don't mention my girlfriend. But I know she's watching, waiting.

I smell her again and plant a small kiss on her neck. This time I stare. I just look deep into her eyes. Feeling her out. Seeing what she's thinking. But more importantly, I let my eyes do the talking for me. And they said I want to smell the rest of her.

It lasts maybe 5 seconds. I think she knows what I want. To see if she wants it too, I grab her hands and walk towards the exit, where my girl is. With my other hand, I grab my girlfriend's and walk out. When out the door, I asked her "which way"?

We walked silently and swiftly to her place. As she opened the door, my girlfriend pushed her in and started making out. We walked inside. Her roommates weren't home. Or she lived alone. I didn't know at the time. But the couch was free. I cleared up some space for us and removed my shirt. When their clothes came off, it was glorious.

So what separated the two outcomes?

Was the first girl not into me? Maybe. No. Definitely. She lost interest in me when I asked if she was available. She was reminded of her relationship situation and didn't want me any more. Had she been single, maybe she'd have joined us. But maybe not.

But the lesson I took away from that was I did not lead. I asked her permission to lead her. You don't ask, you just do it.

I lucked out with the other girl. I didn't ask her if she wanted me. I told her I want her, and then led her. If she didn't want me, she would have stopped me.

It wasn't the fact that some guy just sniffed her and dragged her out. It was that I sniffed her and dragged her out.

The only reason she followed was because she was attracted to me. Either to my looks or to my behaviors. Or more likely, some combination of the two.

And she was into the idea of sex with me and my girlfriend (she wasn't drunk), so she followed. Had she not been into it, I'd have let her go. If she hesitated, I'd have tried to sell her, by amping up the sexual tension. But if she still backed off, I'd have let her go.

It might not be something I do in a grocery store. But I wouldn't feel the same in a grocery store. If I felt such overwhelming desire for someone, I'd do it. It doesn't guarantee she'd accept my advances, but I'd have made my desires clear.

Leading is going after what you want, simply, directly, and not asking for permission. It doesn't guarantee success, but it makes success an option, something following doesn't do.

What I Am

2010-11-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I addressed what I am not advocating.

In this post, I'll address what I am - fun.

The way I see it, there are two ways of having fun:

1. with words
2. with actions

Words

Imagine the following situation, you're walking on the beach and see an attractive woman staring at the sunset. She can see you. In fact, as you look at her, you get the sense she's checking you out while pretending not to. How do you approach?

You can walk up and say hi and talk about how beautiful the sunset is. And if you're smart and flirtatious, you will immediately say just after that, "not as beautiful as you." Then you'll both laugh and you'll admit "that was cheesy, but true." And if you're like me, you might try to explain some more "I'm just saying, I'd rather look at you naked than a sunset" while holding back your laughter but not a smile.

Or, you can do what I did and simply shout "I'm better looking than that sunset" - it was the first thing that came to my mind.

Actions

You're on a first date. You're having a polite get-to-know each other conversation about work or childhood, or something else you could have with your grandmother. She says something funny once in a while and you laugh. You say something funny when it comes naturally to you and she laughs and caresses your shoulder while pretending to slap it. Maybe a little too much because what you said isn't all that funny.

But that's natural too because your knees are touching one another and your hand is on the inside of her thigh. And when you talk, you're whispering in her ears. Perhaps your nose brushes her lobes once in a while.

Or maybe you're sitting across from her, unable to touch her. And while you get to know each other, you stare into her eyes. Your fingers run down your lips and neck, as they would on her if you were in bed naked with each other.

Conclusion

What you should take away from this post is not that when picking up girls you should have fun with words and when on a date have fun with actions.

What you should take away from this post is that you should have fun in a way that expresses your interest all the time.

Sometimes your interest is that of distinterest - you are not attracted. Do not stick around pretending to be. Sometimes using words comes more naturally than actions to express your desire for her. Sometimes actions are more natural.

Whatever the method, the end goal is the same - have fun. Go big or go home. Life is too short to be timid and boring. Be clear about what you want. And have fun doing it. Make it a game.

As I said to another reader, you have to test her to see if she's any fun. But the ONLY way to do that is by having fun yourself with and without her. Are you going to bore yourself to death just because she's not with you?

NO! Fuck that. Have fun without her. If she's any good for you, she'll enjoy what you do to have fun. If she's not, she'll get out of the way. But that requires you actually have fun regardless of what she's into.

It's your life. Step one of the big three is living your life. And do you want a boring life?

Think of it this way - you're part of a night cleaning crew at an office or whatever. Do you just do your job and leave, quickly, quietly? Or do you try to have fun within the limits you have?

I know if I was stuck doing the same mindless job every day, I'd find ways to have fun, ways to entertain myself, without breaking any of the rules. If the rules are too restrictive, I'd find another job. Life is about making myself happy, not being a slave to others.

If you think of girls as a numbers game, that means you have to approach and date a lot of women to find the one. You can make it boring. Or you can find ways to entertain yourself.

You're not going to scare of any chick you actually want by doing so.

Because the chicks you actually want will be into whatever you do to entertain yourself. And that's the point. You want to scare off anyone who is not into you. Whoever remains, well, she actually enjoys your company. But that requires you entertaining yourself, as opposed to doing something to "win her" or worse, "not scare her."

You don't want to break any rules, like raping her, assaulting her, stealing from her, or drugging her. And if you're sane and normal, those won't even be options for you. But that still leaves a lot of room to have fun with.

As a tip, I'll say the easiest way I know how to have fun is to be honest. Approaching brutally honest, but I don't like the word brutal. I don't think of the truth as brutal. But I can be blunt. And I often enjoy it. And being a genuinely nice guy, I find it hard to deliver the truth in a mean way.

If I'm sexually attracted to someone, I'm blunt about it - with words AND actions.

Now.

Are you going to approach 100 women and use the exact same boring line starting with "excuse me"?

Or are you going to approach 100 women and try to have fun each time?

What I'm Not

2010-11-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, but I do not advocate being either direct or indirect. Nor do I advocate being clever or boring. But I can see how some might be confused. It's important not to look at any one of my posts as having all the answers.

More often than not, they are triggered by some experience I or my friends or my readers have had and attempt to describe what could have been done in that situation to better express their interest in the girl. That doesn't mean they would have gotten the girl. It just means they could have done something more to make their interest more clear. Or have had more fun doing so.

Sometimes guys get too serious and treat this like work. They walk up to a girl, stand five feet away, talk about the weather, and then ask her out. Of course she'll say no! I'll advocate having more fun and being a bit more aggressive in such a situation. And then they'll see me as advocating being clever or witty or any of the number of things other pick schools of thought have advocated in the past.

And that's not true either.

To get what I advocate, it's essential to look at all my readings and see what applies to you. Just as not all cultures cook the same food and not all musicians play the same types of songs, not every man gets a woman the same way.

But all cultures cook delicious food, there's good music in every genre (except trance), and every man is capable of getting a woman he is attracted to. And it doesn't happen by following the recipe mechanically.

It happens by adding a bit of fun and your own personality into the mix while keeping your eyes on the prize.

Leading pt 2

2010-10-30T10:06:00.001-07:00

Moves are like an earthquake. Making a move changes things. You cannot expect to make a move and expect no one to notice, least of all the girl you're putting the moves on.

But that's a good thing. Because how she handles it tells you whether she's into it or not.

If making a move was covert and indistinguishable from not making a move, she would have nothing to react to before it was actually happening.

That would be like a stand-up comedian just saying punchlines without the setup. Just plain weird.

Watch this clip from Season 4 of Weeds.

http://seriesspoilers.com/video/6326/Weeds-4x7/ (about 11:05 in)

Leading pt 1

2010-10-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

Leading is about providing direction and taking the first step. It's saying "let's get out of here," it's pulling her in and planting your lips on hers, it's taking her hand and leading her into the bedroom, it's slipping your hands under her shirt and onto her bare skin.

Saying "I like you" is not leading. Lesser men say it as a way of giving up the lead to her. That's why women freak out. They do not want to lead. It's hard. It takes guts. It takes resilience. It takes being a man.

That Whore!

2010-10-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Karen Owen's Fuck List has made the rounds, and everyone has an opinion.

I'm not going to comment on the name calling or the opinions of others. I'm not even going to comment on her ranking of the guys she hooked up with or how she ranked them.

I will however point out one simple fact - loser and winner alike, all the guys she slept with made the first move. They were unambiguous in their words and actions. Often times, it was the cleverly worded "let's fuck" or "you've got a great rack" along with physically grabbing her.

In some cases, personality defects, disagreeableness and national origin didn't stop her from sleeping with the guy. She hooked up anyway and regretted it later.

And those guys who made a move but still didn't hook up with her - they're probably glad they dodged that bullet. She wrote nothing about them, they lost nothing by making a move and they probably all have healthy and full sex lives despite not banging Karen Owen.

But not in a single case did she make the first move, even if, for the sake of argument, she is the biggest slut on the planet (a label I don't attach to her).

And that's important to remember.

My advice to those reading - do not try to be any girl's 12 out of 10. Her ranking of you is based on several factors, subjective factors. Instead, make a move and let her rank you after you get yours. In the worst case, you got yours. In the best case, you found someone who values you just the way you are, with zero effort spent on "self-improvement".

Because no matter how big a slut a girl is, she will rarely make the first move.

The Bitch/Sex Paradox

2010-10-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

When you first get into a relationship, everything is fantastic. Frequent sex, no arguments, etc.

But the longer you stay in that relationship, the less sex you have and the more arguments you have.

I'm not going to blame the lack of sex on the girl. I'm going to blame her bitchiness and arguing on the lack of sex.

The more sex a girl has, the more sex a girl wants. For men, sadly, the opposite is true, at least when it is with the same person. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Several evolutionary factors contribute to it and make it beneficial.

But for women, especially in long term relationships, the less sex she has, the less she is able to deal with stress and the more likely she is to turn her frustrations and anger towards the release of her frustrations - the man in her life.

If you're in a long term relationship and wondering why you're arguing more*, it's because you're having less sex. Fuck her rough, fuck her hard. Make her submit to your cock in bed, and she'll submit to you in life. Start early, maintain for the rest of your life.

Viagra has a greater purpose than just getting an old man off - keeping his woman happy.

*this assumes there is no real reason for the argument. If you're having real problems, this is not the answer.

Checklist

2010-09-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

In this short life, a man only has three responsibilities.

1) Shelter
2) Food
3) Continue the species

That is it. In fact, with that last one, I can actually reduce it to two responsibilities.

1) Continue the species
2) Survive till old age

If we look at survival as the goal, shelter and food become the means by which we accomplish that. We get those means through other means - money, job, car, TV, internet, etc.

All that other shit are just means by which we accomplish those goals.

Only reason we need a car is to get to work, the supermarket, etc in order to earn money to pay the rent or mortgage on time and buy the chicken to stuff in the oven.

The TV and internet is stuff we do for recreation. But recreation is itself a means to an end. By having fun with others, we bond with them. With males we bond with, we find the type of support necessary for our own survival - financial aid when times get rough, roommates to split the rent with, fellow hunters when stalking our prey, etc.

Making male friends is good for survival, but still only a means towards survival.

And the women we bond with, they allow us to accomplish our second goal - continue the species. But recreation is a means by which we get our women.

This post probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you. It barely makes sense to me.

I guess all I'm saying is don't lose sight of the bigger picture. Fancy clothes, mansions, fast cars, 500+ TV Channels, the ideal job. They're nice. But they're not essential.

Focus on taking care of the big two things in your life:

1) surviving
2) procreating

The rest of it is just how you get those two things done. There are ways that give you pleasure and ways that make it painful for you to want to do either of the big two.

Don't sweat it if you didn't go to college or if you aren't married to your high school crush. You may have lost the battle, but the war is far from over.

Review: Assholes Finish First

2010-09-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

I just received the new Tucker Max book Assholes Finish First, and though I'm not through reading it, I've read enough (about half) to want to recommend it.

For those of you who have read his website and his previous book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, it's more of the same. He even reprints two or three of the same stories, with slightly different words. It's like hearing the same story again from the same guy over a different beer in a different bar. Straight from his mouth.

But that would be my only criticism of it. AFF is an entertaining read as well as an educational one.

Max brags and self-deprecates with stories about his conquests - hot girls, average girls, ugly girls, fat girls, midget girls, amputees, LA girls, and the list goes on.

As a guy, I find his stories entertaining. Some of them crossover into asshole territory (well, most of them do - okay, all of them), but the fact that he owns up to it and shows how not everyone loves him but still holds himself in high esteem adds to his credibility and charm. Some of my best friends are assholes, but the fact they're honest about it is why they are my friends.

He's also a talented writer. His way with words and comedic timing are brilliant. Easy to read and they paint an enticing picture.

But most people familiar with Max focus on his drunken debauchery and think he advocates that as a lifestyle for everyone. Not so.

One of things I got from him from his first book, and even this one, is that he is rejected far more than he is successful. He makes fun of everyone and everything. Most girls hate him for it.

How would you feel if someone did nothing but make fun of your insecurities with every word out of their mouth?

But some girls loved it. Or they were willing to put up with it just to sleep with him, long before he had become famous. They found something about him attractive, maybe mistaking his obnoxiousness for charm and charisma as the reason for his being the center of attention.

It was this dynamic, of him getting rejected and him getting sex from different women for the same exact reason coupled with my own experiences that led me to my theory of the big three and added to my own self-confidence.

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Some girls will hate you. A lot will, actually, no matter how you act. But some girls will love you, or put up with you, no matter how you act. But regardless of how you act, it's up to you make a move and tell them "I want to make a mess in your mouth."

That and even the most famous of manwhores doesn't bang hot girls all the time. He sleeps with whoever is willing and isn't put off by him - and can still get him reasonably excited.

I don't advocate sleeping with women you are not attracted to. But I do say that if you expect to sleep with only women you consider 10s, you won't be sleeping with a lot of women.

Quality over quantity. It's a lesson Max imparts well, even if he opts for quantity over quality.

Mission 3

2010-09-27T10:29:00.001-07:00

So you've gotten good at getting phone numbers and dates, but you still aren't getting laid, so what are you doing wrong?

Nothing. Or everything.

Do the girls know that they're on a date with you and not simply hanging out with a friend? Really? You used the word "date" and have not hidden it behind humor or sarcasm so as to diffuse its meaning?

A girl has to know your desire for her. Sometimes you use clear unambiguous words. And you always back it up with action.

Take for example the phrase "Yeah, I want to fuck you."

Try saying it sarcastically. Right now. Sitting right there. Say it out loud or in your head.

It will probably sound something like this:

"Sshhheaaah. I want to fuck you" *eye roll*

The words were fast, lots of variation in tone of voice and facial expression.

Now trying saying it as if you really meant it.

It will probably sound something like this:

"Yeah."
*look into her eyes*
*glance down to her lips*
*your eyes slowly drift back to her eyes*
"I want to fuck you"

You'll probably say it softer, kinder, and slower. Of course, that's not the only way to say it. You may say it without using any words. You may use different words.

But your actions and tone of voice would likely be only slightly different.

And that's what mission three is about. Being sexual.

With every girl you meet and are attracted to, you are to be sexual with them. You may choose to wait until you're on a date or seem to be clicking, you may choose to start immediately.

The point here isn't to avoid rejection. If she's not interested, you will be rejected, make no doubt about it. But that's the point. You want to sort out the ones who are interested from the ones who aren't.

And I will say that the sooner she rejects you because of your sexual advances, the better.

Why waste time on a girl who isn't interested?

Meeting the Folks

2010-09-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

It's always nerve racking to meet a girl's family for the first time. With her friends, it's likely they share her sense of humor or have something else in common with her. So if you get along with her, it's almost guaranteed you'll get along with her friends.

But her parents are a different story. Even if they do share the same sense of humor as you, you'll still find the need to hold some thoughts back. Sex jokes, for example, are off the table unless they're subtle.

A simple rule to help get by is that if you won't say it in front of your parents, don't say it in front of hers. Outside of that, have fun and let the good times roll.

Sex Tip#3

2010-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

When you are ready to close, do not ask for her number. Do not ask for a date. Only ask her back to your place or hers. Sex is the only close that counts. If she rejects your offer of sex and does not provide an appealing alternative (like a date or number), find another girl.

Stop Blaming Others

2010-09-17T17:07:00.001-07:00

In addition to not blaming yourself when a girl doesn't accept your advances, you have to stop blaming others for "cockblocking" you.

Nothing bothers me more than when a guy says he didn't get the girl because his friends started talking to him or some strangers started talking to the girl he was interested in or that her friend pulled her away from him.

Not being able to take responsibility for your own short comings is probably why the girl, and people in general, are fine with not spending time with you. When you stop blaming others for your not getting laid, perhaps you will be able to find ways to get laid despite the obstacles you may have to face.

Everyone has obstacles, but there are those who get over them and there are those who blame them. A blamer doesn't get over his obstacles. He wallows in self-pity and bitterness. And I can't think of a lot of people who enjoy being around bitter people.

Facebook

2010-09-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

I hate the laziness of people sometimes.

We live next door to each other, we don't need to be on each other's Facebook. Contact me using my phone, my email, or by knocking. Have a beer or cup of coffee with me. But I will not get a Facebook account so you can delude yourself into thinking I care enough to stalk you. If you want me to check out your photos, show them to me in person.

I hate technology sometimes. Nothing has done more to distance us from each other than technology, for better or worse.

Self Esteem vs Entitlement

2010-09-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

This is for boys and girls.

When I tell guys that they are measure of all things, they think I'm telling to them to be conceited jerks who think they are always right and others are always wrong.

And that's bullshit.

It's like girls who have the "princess" syndrome. Yes, thinking you are the center of the universe is a bad thing.

Thinking you are the center of YOUR universe is, however, a good thing.

The difference is that when you think you are the center of the universe, you think others owe you something and you have no respect of them. That's conceit.

When you think you are the center of YOUR universe, you judge others based on how useful and compatible they are to you, but you also recognize that they are masters of their own domain.

You recognize that in order to get, you have to give. It's just that you know what you have to give is valuable as opposed to not enough or too good to give anyone for any reason.

Simply put, entitlement and conceit is thinking your shit doesn't stink and everyone else's does. Having low self-esteem is thinking everyone else's shit smells better than yours. And high self esteem or confidence is knowing your shit stinks, but everyone else's shit stinks equally bad.

How to Get Girls, the movie

2010-08-31T00:34:00.001-07:00

Many guys in the community use movies to illustrate what a ladies man looks and acts like.

The sad part is that they use modern movies where guys don't make moves. They talk their way into a girls pants or use their looks. The problem with that is, it's fake. Brad Pitt might be able to get Flo the waitress to make a move on him. But he had to man up and make a move to get Jennifer and Angelina. And they're not going to show you that in a movie. Not when the people making movies simply have to announce what they do to get panties to drop.

If you're looking for men to model yourself after, stay away from current actors. No George Clooney, no Brad Pitt, and certainly not Matt Damon. I like Meet Joe Black as much as the next guy. But it's not what's going to get you a girl.

Instead, sign up for a Netflix account and get your hands on every Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart, and Kirk Douglas movie you can.

Get over the fact that they're black and white and shot almost 80 years ago. Human nature is timeless, and if you want to learn how to be a take charge kind of guy, they're the ones to show you...in a movie.

They each have something modern society loves to hate and hates to love (but still secretly desires) - masculinity.

Graduation Day

2010-08-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

This made me smile.

Man, shit's been good the last week or two. I always wondered what it was that other guys seemed to have that I didn't. I think I figured it out. You strip away any agenda, or any thoughts of manipulation and replace it with honesty. From there, you just tell people your desires and sift out the ones that aren't on board, to just the ones that are. You express yourself freely and without any second guessing, because you do so without requiring any response. I'm still anxious at times, but I'm content. I've never been more content and comfortable communicating with people, than probably my childhood.

Shot off a couple texts tonight, to two different chicks. One didn't respond, the other I told I wanted to meet up and make out (after hardly talking to her in months), and we ended up doing that and more at her place.

He has arrived. Whose next?

To Fuck or Not to Fuck?

2010-08-28T13:06:00.001-07:00

Last night I was out with a good friend of mine. He was with a ridiculously cute girl who wanted to rape him.

During her trips to the bathroom, he confided he had no desire to fuck her. I thought it was stupid, but every man has to do right by himself.

Regardless, I had to know why. He said he was going through a phase where he was more interested in female friends than sex. And that's a perfectly valid reason.

But he was confused as to what to do because he was also attracted to her.

My advice: fuck her. Sex is not a life long commitment. And if she's cool enough to separate sex from love and monogamy, it's a chick you want to be friends with. And if she's not, then you found that out sooner than you would have by putting it off. That and if you avoid sex, she'll still lust after you in secret and that's not a real friendship. And that's assuming she's willing to stay friends if sex is not an option. She has a say in remaining friends too.

Sex solves everything, especially when she's made it obvious its what she wants and you want it too, even if you're split about the decision.

Don't try to control the future.

Sex Tip#2

2010-08-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

The easiest "move" for kissing is to say "come here" as if you were whispering it and then put your lips to hers.

Negotiation 101

2010-08-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

Basics of Negotiation:

1) Ask for the most that you want and more
2) Decide if the most you can get is enough
3) Agree to terms or walk away

Examples:

When negotiating your salary at a new job:

1) You want $60K a year
2) You ask for $75K a year
3) They offer at $50K plus a generous benefits package

When with a girl:

1) You want sex
2) You ask her back to your place
3) She gives you her number instead
4) You propose a date Friday instead of taking a number
5) She agrees
6) You take number

How not to negotiate:

1) Ask for less than what you want
2) Hope and pray you can get more

Examples:

When negotiating your salary at a new job:

1) You want $60k a year
2) You ask for $40K a year
3) They say okay
4) You missed out on $50K a year plus benefits

When with a girl:

1) You want sex
2) You ask for her number
3) She says okay
4) You have number but no date
5) She's clueless about your intentions

Of course, going for a number and escalating later is a viable option with women.

But that's called escalating, not negotiating. As a man, you must learn both. As a woman too.

Sex Tip #1

2010-08-19T10:53:00.001-07:00

Sex begins before penetration.

No matter how nervous you are or how hot she is, if you get in close, real close, so close that her earlobe touches your nose, you'll notice how calm you become and how instinct takes over.

Don't be surprised if you find yourself nibbling on her earlobes and licking her ears or biting her neck.

And don't be surprised if she lets you - or if she likes it.

Looming Breakup

2010-08-16T15:40:00.001-07:00

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for your advice over the years. Ten months ago, I met the most amazing woman. The "one" for me. I'd been with a lot of women before, but never had I met one that made me feel so good about being myself. Then she dropped a bombshell on me. She's moving to Australia at the start of the new year to go to med school. At first, we tried to figure out if I could move with her. But my family and career is here. It's not something I can do over there. And she cannot simply waste another year trying to get into med school here.

Neither of us can go without sex too long. In fact, our relationship was what it was (and is) because we are so freaky. Freaky, but exclusive and committed. She is my lover, my best friend, and my confidant.

We've decided to visit each other and remain friends (with benefits if the chemistry is still there) and get back together after she finishes and moves back if we've both not found anyone better. But I have no idea how to deal with the loss once she moves. I went monogamous because I had no extreme desire to fuck other women after being with her. How do I go back to being single? The thought of finding someone to replace her repulses me. I feel like the universe is against me.

Sorry to hear about your situation. But the universe is not against you. The universe doesn't even know you exist. If she is truly the one for you, you'll end up together somehow. Four years is a long time, and time heals all wounds.

Remember, things are going to end up however they are supposed to. It's up to us to make the best of them. Embrace your singlehood. And keep an open heart. While no one can ever replace her, no one should replace her and you should not try to find a replacement. All good things come to an end. And just as you cannot buy a new pup to replace a dead pet, you cannot get a new girl to replace the old. But you can forge new relationships.

Cherish the time you had. Keep her in your life is feasible. But don't live in the past. Keep moving forward. Don't avoid getting into other relationships, and don't try to jump into one just to be in one. Know that by making the best of your life from this point forward, you'll find happiness sooner than you think.

I'm sorry I have no better advice for you as I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Perhaps other readers can offer you more insight.

Why you fear rejection

2010-08-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

I made an interesting observation recently. A month ago, I decided to "retire" a couple of the places, I used to go to for fast food and coffee. I'd go there to interact with the female staff that I found attractive. I'd rarely try to close, mostly opting for passive awkward conversation, of me trying to be clever or run game. It was hit or miss, approval seeking and I was tired of doing it and being reminded of my history with it.

I decided to start going to a different local Starbucks, to get coffee and read at regularly. I also decided to stop acting clever and instead, be in the moment aka let my mood fluctuate naturally.

I noticed quickly that I got into just as many, or more conversations, with the staff and fellow customers, as I had before, at the other Starbucks, when I'd tried to be clever/tailor my attitude to whatever I thought would win peoples affection. This time it felt natural and I didn't feel like a fraud and self-conscious, when my "act" didn't pan out.

Most importantly, the people I gelled with naturally, became that much more clear to me.

That part in bold is important. When you put on an act, when you try something you feel is fake, you feel bad when it fails. When you let things occur naturally, with no false pretenses, no "game", failure doesn't feel bad. And the connections you make are far more real and solid.

Be real, be natural, quit putting on an act. You don't have to earn her number. You just have to ask for it. You don't have to wow her, you just have to talk to her. If it works, it will be solid. If it doesn't, you won't feel bad about it.

Win/win.

Rejection

2010-08-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

Quit fearing rejection.

Rejection is a good thing.

It means you did what you wanted and she wasn't with it, which means she isn't what you want.

If you're not getting rejected, it means you're not doing it right.

Now, if you're doing what you want and getting what you want, this doesn't apply to you. You probably don't have a perfect batting average, but that's my point.

You don't get every girl. But if you go after every girl you find attractive, some will reject you and some will sleep with you and some will marry you and one won't divorce you.

If you're not getting laid and no girl has turned down your advances, it's because you have not made clear, unambiguous moves towards getting into her panties.

Reach for her crotch. If she turns you down, she's rejected you. If she lets you touch her, you're in. But you can't get there if you fear rejection and don't make the move.

Think of it this way, even if she rejects you, you're no worse off than you started. In fact you're better off because you acted like a man for once.

The Dream Girl

2010-08-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

Quit fantasizing!

If you have in your head an image of what your dream girl looks and acts like, kill her. Not in real life, but your mental image of her.

Appreciate people for who they are.

If you're constantly measuring people up to some imaginary ideal, they'll always fall short.

Instead, take the time to see how they get along with you and you with them. See if they turn you on. See if they make you laugh. See if you can accept and live with their shortcomings, if the price of the very real bad times with them is worth all the very real good times with them.

Kill the fantasy. Go after the real thing.

Beauty

2010-08-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm curious about your thoughts on beautiful women. What type of beauty you look for. Do you look for a certain level of beauty? How does her personality factor in? Have you ever felt pressure from friends or family, to hook up with a certain kind of women, or level of beauty.

I also remember hearing from a couple former CA instructors that while beautiful women were attainable, they were often a pain in the ass. I've also heard that some beautiful women have low self-esteem. I can also hear you say "They're normal people, like anyone else". :))

They are normal people like anyone else. Some have baggage. Some are a pain in the ass. Some I don't click with, despite being great human beings. And some I get along with despite being bitches to everyone else.

Do I look for a certain level of beauty? Yes. I have to be physically attracted. And yes, there are levels of hotness. So the scale of 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s is accurate to some degree. But the scale itself is subjective. A 7 on my scale might be an 8 or a 9 on someone elses scale, and vice versa. So what someone else considers hot has no bearing on me, and what I consider hot has no bearing on someone else's scale.

Lastly, as I got better with women, I felt no pressure from others to hook up with what they considered 8s, 9s or 10s. That's because I got better with women because I became more sure of what I liked and what I wanted. They go hand in hand - getting what you want and knowing what you want. Outside pressure had little sway on me because I was confident, and confidence got me what I wanted.

Also, I was well aware that beauty fades and that everyone gets bored of sameness. Meaning, no matter how hot the girl, someone somewhere was sick of her. So constantly looking for someone hotter was a waste of time. You have to learn to be happy with what you have.

That's not to say I dated girls who are hideous and learned to like them. Sure, I had drunken hookups to that effect. But, and maybe I was luckier than most, I've dated girls who ranged the whole spectrum of beauty, from the Kiera Knightleys to the Scarlett Johanssons. Some were part time models and struggling actresses some where amateur athletes, some were just hot assistants and store clerks or accountants.

But you can't judge girls through another persons eyes. Being self confident means using your own eyes and your own scale. We all value somethings more than others.

I've heard lots of guys say they'd rather date a 7 with self-confidence than a 10 with none. But I've also heard guys say they only care about looks. And some refuse to settle unless they find a 10 they click with and love and who loves them back. And all points of view are valid.

You have to decide for yourself what you want and what you will settle for. If she makes you happy, quit letting what others think get to you.

What others think may be what's holding you back from taking action and getting what you want in the first place.

After all, it wouldn't be called taking a risk if every thing went your way.

Motive

2010-07-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

From a reader:

I was wondering if you'd talk about what drove you early on (also what held you back), to break out of your shyness and approach women/hook up on a regular basis and what your goals were then and how they've changed, now that you've gotten experience. Thanks

Strangely, what drove me early on had nothing to do with girls. I'm a writer by trade. But what held me back was people skills, or rather, lack of them. I'd been an only child growing up, overweight, didn't wear name brand clothes, was teased mercilessly for everything from my weight, my race, to my name. Needless to say, my self esteem was very very low. However, at the same time I was keeping away from people, I studied, got good grades, pursued my passion for writing, and generally did things I enjoyed - only by myself. And yeah, I had people I hung out with and had fun with. And yeah, there were girls who hit on me, though I was oblivious at the time.

Fast forward to after college (and after I'd lost the weight), when I was still painfully shy. I had a hard time getting jobs and selling myself because I couldn't talk to people normally. While searching for tips on conversational ability, I stumbled onto the community.

It drew me in primarily because it was so specific about what to say and when. And the way I saw it, if I could talk a girl into taking her clothes off, I could nail any interview and pitch my ideas successfully. I was right, of course, but I had to find out the hard way that having routines was the worst way to go about doing either of those things.

Being a loner, I've always been self-motivated and driven. I figured if I got rich and famous, friends and women would come to me (while that's probably true, in hindsight, that's a horrible way to do it. How would you separate real friends from fair-weather friends?). When I decided to improve my people skills and get laid, I simply redirected my focus. My natural drive for success took over.

At first, yeah, I was scared to approach. I started with little exercises like keeping eye contact or saying hi to passersby. It worked great and I saw that just doing that had women winking at me and starting conversations with me. I was just too much of a pussy to keep it going.

The first time I decided to get a number, I got it. I simply nodded at what she said while doing my best to hide my boner and ultra-fast (and loud) heartbeats. Then I just asked if she'd like to go out.

Then I read some advice on what to say and do on the phone and how I should never agree to a day or time she suggests in order to keep the upper hand. So naturally, I did that and blew my shot with her. She was hot too.

I thought the reason I blew it was because I didn't know enough. Looking back, I realize it was because I was direct that I got the number (the boner and nervousness probably helped too). And I most definitely lost the date because I played games.

Some days I talked to lots of women. Some I didn't talk to any. Some days I got lots of solid numbers. Some I got lots of flakes. And some I didn't get any. Some dates were good and fun, but I was too much of a pussy to make a move. And other dates were had the worst awkward silences. And of course, amidst all the rejections, I had a shit load of successes. More than if I'd had if I tried to avoid all the bad experiences.

As my confidence and belief in myself grew, as I made friends who were good with women, and as I made friends with women, I started believing in myself and relying less and less on the "right way" of doing things and just focused on doing things the way I enjoyed it. Not every girl enjoyed my company and those who didn't, I didn't get. I didn't get every girl, but I never got every girl to begin with. So no loss there. I saw it as an acceptable price to pay for being happy with myself and the way I did things.

And the ones I did get, well, they loved the way I did things. They loved that I was introverted. They loved that I hated clubbing and was a movie snob. They loved that I was direct but inexplicably nervous at times. They liked that I wasn't always sure what to do and didn't try to hide it. And the things I tried to hide, they loved that about me too. I "got" them because they wanted me. I defined myself by the way I did things and the things I did.

Some realizations about how easy hooking up was didn't strike me until after I'd already gotten into a relationship with my current girlfriend (almost 2 years strong). That's not to say I didn't do any of this while single. I did. It's just I didn't realize what I was doing or why it worked until after I'd given up chasing pussy.

I'd (and still do) flirt with women just for the sake of flirting, knowing I wouldn't cross that line into cheating. And I also try to hook up friends of mine who are single and are too scared to approach. The theories have worked for me and my friends ballsy enough to try it, and I share them here for the world to benefit.

My goals now are simple - keep living the good life. It may or may not include marriage. It may or may not include kids. But it definitely involves sex and my girlfriend. And writing. And TV. And money. And UFC.

Mission 2

2010-07-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

A while ago I posted Mission 1. Here is Mission 2:

1) When on a first or second, or even a third date, go somewhere you can afford and normally have fun at.

2) When there, talk to her, get to know her, and try to have some fun. This should be easy because you are already some place where you know how to have fun.

3) Make a move.

Now, to explain the three step mission above:

One - You want to go some place that you feel comfortable. Getting comfortable enough to be yourself around a new person is challenging enough. Do not make the mistake of going someplace where you have no idea what you are doing. This is not to impress her. It is simply to limit your obstacles so that you are free to focus your undivided attention on her. One of the benefits of going to place you already are comfortable in is that she gets to see your fun, calm, confident side. Confidence is just another word for being comfortable with oneself. It's easy to feel and be confident in a place you love and a place that loves you back. It also gives her a chance to get to know you by being an easy conversation starter. Think back to Show and Tell in Kindergarten. Share the place that brings you joy with her. By doing so, you end up sharing a little bit about yourself and she gets to know you.

Suggestions: dive bars where you normally play pool or drink at, video rental stores or supermarkets, coffee shops, the pier or the beach, a park, art gallery, museum, a bookstore, the mall, whatever and where ever you would go even if by yourself. If you're the type who goes to wine tastings or martini bars, that's cool too. Do not let the method define who you are. You define the method.

Two - Talk to her. Get to know her. And don't take things too seriously. In other words, loosen up, enjoy your surroundings, your date, and the moment. Have fun. Trust your instincts. If she's talking about her grandma dying, don't make a joke out of it. On the other hand, if she's talking politics and if you do not want to talk about that, feel free to make a joke and change subjects. It's one thing to tell a girl you're a great guy and another thing to show her. Show her how awesome and true to yourself you are (one and the same thing, in my opinion).

Three - make a move. You can tell a girl you find her sexy all you want, but if you aren't touching her, nibbling at her ears, or trying to kiss her, then she's not likely to believe you. Actions speak louder than words. Show and Tell applies here too. Talking sex is fine, but be sexual. Look at her with a genuine hunger in your eyes. If you have to fake wanting her, then you don't really want her. Move on to someone you really want, even if others do not. Your sex life is yours. It is not a social status competition.

In all of this, do not fear rejection. Welcome it. Search it out. That doesn't mean pretending to be or do something you are not or would never do.

It does mean be honest about what you want. It's the only real way to find out if she wants the same things too. If she doesn't want what you want, she will reject you sooner or later, and sooner is better than later. The sooner she rejects you, the sooner you can get back to searching for what you want instead of wasting time on someone who doesn't.

If she has no interest in the date you suggest, it's clear she does not enjoy the things you do. Do you want a girl like that as a girlfriend? As a one night stand? I do not want a girlfriend who doesn't enjoy what I do. But a one night stand, I could care less. But as I slept with more women, one night stands interested me less and less, though I still had my share*. Each man comes to his own conclusion. Trust your own desires, your own instincts.

If you make a move and she backs off, read her expression. Is it "what the hell?!" or is it "silly boy, not right now"? And more importantly, how does her reaction make you feel? Do you feel like trying again, or do you feel like a heel or end up resenting her for it? If you feel like trying again, do it again a little later when it feels right. If you feel bad about it, cut the date short and move on to something more fun for you. But you got to thicken your skin so you don't get butt-hurt at every rejection. And the only way to do that is to keep making a move.

Lastly, a girl is more than her looks. Otherwise, she may as well be a robot or mannequin. If that is what you want, do not waste your time on real women. But if you want a real woman, quit judging yourself. Quit thinking it's you who messed up. Quit blaming yourself and start judging her. Judge her by her personality, how she acts around you and how she treats you.

*Note: Girls who like you are willing to do whatever you suggest. So if you suggest something, they will do it. If they do not, they don't like you enough. Do not try to change their minds. Simply shift your focus to other girls. They will then either change their mind, make a counter-offer that interests you, or move on themselves. Either way, you win. In regards to one night stands, a girl who is down for a one night stand with you will also do whatever you suggest. You could be drinking with a couple of friends and invite her out and she will come dressed to the nines.

Types of Attraction

2010-07-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

In the community, they often talk about attraction as if physical attraction and sexual attraction are the same. "Oh, she's hot, we have to want to fuck her".

In real life, it doesn't work like that. Indeed, scientists have classified attraction into 6 categories.

There's 1) physical attraction, 2) sexual attraction, 3) social attraction, 4) relational attraction, 5) task attraction, and 6) fatal attraction.

1) Physical - needs no explaining, but I'll do it anyway. We're drawn to someone because of the way they look. It's why girls can say another girl has nice boobs and still not want to suck on them.

2) Sexual - we want to fuck someone because they get us aroused. Why do they get us aroused? Any number of reasons, not always physical. She could just be massaging our glans while we ponder this question.

3) Social - hey, he or she is fun to be around and talk to, so we're drawn to them. Do not confuse for sexual attraction. This is why girls will hang around guys they have no intention of fucking - the guys are fun to be around.

4) Relational - when we think someone will make a good girlfriend or wife rather than "I just want to tear that pussy up".

5) Task - think back to middle school when you had to pick teams for basketball. Your first pick...you didn't want to fuck him? No. You just wanted to have a winning team. Same deal, you're drawn to whomever you feel will help you get the job done best.

6) Fatal - You know when you start hating the very thing that first attracted you to someone? Like that you guys argued about everything on your first date? But then you loved it and now you want to put a bullet in either yours or her head? Yeah, that's fatal attraction.

Neither exists in a vacuum. But it's important to note that if you're aiming for sexual attraction, it's pointless to go about it through non-direct means.

That is to say, if you want to get into her pants, do not consciously try to be her friend or do her homework.

Safety and Boredom part 2

2010-07-03T19:49:00.001-07:00

In the first part, I showed how boredom in relationships came from feelings of insecurity, not feelings of safety.

The same applies to picking up chicas as a single guy. The more secure you are in who you are, the more risks you will take. The more risks you take (such as making your sexual desires known), the more likely you are to get laid.

Likewise, the more insecure your are about yourself, the less chances you take. Any tiny hint of rejection or failure would crush your ego and self esteem, so to keep the status quo (no sex, but no rejection either), you refuse to take a risk and put yourself out there.

To summarize - the more confident you are, the more likely you are to risk rejection, the more likely you get laid (or whatever else it is you go after). The less confident you are, the less like you are to risk rejection, and the less likely you are to get a girl (or whatever else it is you go after).

Quit doubting whether you are good enough for something, go after it and let it reject you.

Music Video

2010-06-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Not much of an update, but a friend just finished this music video. I thought it was hilarious, and if you use your imagination you can see how this applies to getting girls.

Safety and Boredom

2010-06-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

This is for you guys in relationships. I hear from a lot guys (and women too), who say they get bored by the safety that relationships bring.

My retort to them is that they are with the wrong person. I don't believe safety and boredom have anything to do with each other in a relationship. Boredom can and often does arise from a lack of safety. Here's what I mean:

When do most people take risks? When they believe everything will be all right - when they'll come out of the risk safely!

If you're bored in your relationship, it's because you don't trust each other enough to take risks together - whether it's bringing in a sex toy or another person, or just being honest with the other person about your likes and dislikes (usually in bed, but other areas too).

Instead, to be "safe", they simply tolerate their lack of satisfaction in the relationship until they feel so confined and bored, they have to do something drastic to break out of it.

If you have your guard up, you're not safe, and you stay on the much beaten path to keep yourself protected, eventually getting bored and moving on.

Try being honest with the other person about your desires and pet peeves, through actions or words. You're only truly safe if you let your guard down. And when you're safe, you can take risks which keeps relationship fresh.

Time Orientation, Consequences, and Newton

2010-06-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

I saw the full version of this interesting video and it got me thinking about girls. Very little gets me thinking about things other than girls.

Basically, there are people who constantly focus on the past, there are those who live only for the moment, and there are those who constantly work for a better future. Each has its advantages and disadvantages, and we all have a little bit of each inside of us.

When it comes to people however, the video says it is better to be present oriented, at least in that moment.

My guess is that if you are having trouble with girls or people in general, it's because you are future oriented. "What do I do to get this girl in bed with me, will she like me, I wonder how many kids we'll have?" are just some of the questions running through your head. Either that or you are past oriented, in which you constantly compare the girl you are talking with to other girls or you are trying to avoid mistakes of the past, ie "the last time I made a move, the girl rejected me so this time I won't make a move so she doesn't reject me."

Either way, you are not focused on this moment with this girl. And there's a simple solution. Being that you are so focused on the consequences of your reaction, learn to accept there will be consequences to any action.

According to Newton's Third Law of Motion, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That means if you want something great to happen, you have to expect something equally bad to happen. Simply put, winners are willing to lose. If you play to "never lose", you'll also never "win" because when you take steps to minimize the negative, you are effectively taking steps to minimize the positive. Low risk means low rewards.

Take for example that cute girl from work. Instead of thinking "I'd like to fuck her in 3.5 hours" think "I'd like to put my hand between her legs right now". The consequences could be good, the consequences could be bad. But if you're focused on what could happen, good or bad, you're not focused on the present, you're not focused on her, and you're not focused on what you want right now.

Accept that there will be consequences to your actions, then ignore them and act anyway. There is only what you are willing to live with and what you are not. If you are willing to live with rejection, you are more likely to risk failing big. And if you are more likely to risk failing big, you are also more likely to win big.

Hunters, Gatherers, You?

2010-06-06T17:59:00.000-07:00

I have told my girlfriend that while I am happier in an exclusive relationship with her, I do miss being single sometimes. It's not the sleeping with a variety women that I miss but rather the thrill of the hunt. I miss the flirting and escalating. I miss the thrill of getting a number or whispering something in her ear just so I can get close enough to smell her perfume.

Sex was not guaranteed when I was single. Things, despite seeming well, sometimes fell through and I never heard from those women again. Other times, despite looking like a train wreck, ended up with the both of us in bed sweaty and panting. It's partly why I subconsciously rejected online dating, where outcomes seemed more guaranteed.

It's completely different with my girlfriend. Yes, we still flirt with each other and have great sex. But the sex is guaranteed. I know I can wake up in the morning or text her in the middle of the day and I'll get laid.

Don't get me wrong. A monogamous relationship more than makes up for it in other ways, and I do have plenty to lose, but the thrill of THE hunt is gone.

And that's what this post is about. As a single man, while sex is not guaranteed for any of you, what you do have on your side is the hunt. You are free to push boundaries and actually risk something - going home alone. You have something to lose.

Read that again. You have something to lose.

While others may think you have nothing to lose as a single guy, the truth is you have plenty to lose. Say the wrong thing and offend the girl or reveal your intention to sleep with her rather than harmlessly flirt, and the possibility of sleeping with her is gone. Fail to hold her interest, and the possibility of sleeping with her is gone.

Yes, it's true that if something you say or do causes her to walk away, you never really had her, but that's the point.

While single, you have possibilities. In a relationship, you have guarantees.

And while that may not sound like much, or worse, may sound like too much to risk, the truth is that you're going to miss that when it's gone.

Though this may sound contradictory to my previous posts, urging you to act despite the possibility of losing her, it is not. My advice is the same. You must risk losing her, you must risk the possibility of her losing interest in you to actually gain the opportunity to hook up with her.

All this post is about is that you must cherish the gift of being single. Quit wishing for a girlfriend or looking for a relationship or a threesome or for anything in an obsessive compulsive way. Often, getting the prize is less rewarding than going after the prize.

As a single man, you have the ability to go up to an attractive stranger and not know if she's attracted to you physically, and not know if what you say will turn her off, and not know if you'll have any chemistry. That's possibility. That's the hunt. Enjoy it.

Direct or Indirect?

2010-05-21T10:20:00.001-07:00

So a lot of people have said my "method" takes a lot of balls because I say be direct. I agree my method takes balls. It's the only way to really show you have balls without trying hard (does a bird have to prove it has wings?). But I'm not about being direct.

I don't advocate going up to a girl and saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you".

Now, I don't advocate not doing that either. I do not advocate direct or indirect. I advocate trusting your instincts and doing what comes naturally in that moment. If it's saying "I think you're attractive, I want to sleep with you," say it. If it's direct, do it. If it's indirect, do it.

How will you know which is which? Your head is clear and instead of thinking what to do or what not to do, the words come to you. And then a little voice will say "no, don't do that". That's when you tell it to shut up and say it anyway.

Of course, instead of words, your body could tell you what to do, not say. The same thing happens. A little voice will tell you not to. Do it anyway.

And if no words come to you, you either probably don't want her or you do want her but have told your mind "no" before it's even suggested anything. In that case, say exactly that: "I want you, but I don't know what to say".

The Secret to Happiness

2010-05-09T02:26:00.000-07:00

If your life sucks, do something about it. But even if you choose not to, quit bitching about it. The secret to happiness is not about getting what you want. The secret to happiness is knowing that no matter what you do, there will always be pain and suffering. The rich suffer and the poor suffer. The talented suffer and so do those to have none. Guys who get girls bitch, guys who don't get girls bitch.

Knowing that you'll always have something to whine about and choosing to enjoy life instead, that's the secret to happiness.

F*ck, Date, Marry, Kill?

2010-05-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

Despite the gruesome title of this post, the question is valid. How do you decide what you want from a girl? How do you decide if she is one night stand material, dating material, marriage material, or jail bait?

Simple: you make your decision based on how she makes you feel.

Guys try so hard not to react to women, to be alpha, to be like a mountain. No one wants to sleep with a mountain. React to women! When you see an attractive girl, your wanting her is a reaction. When you see an unattractive girl, your not wanting her is also a reaction.

But reacting to girls not only based on their looks but on the way you interact with them, you'll get the girls that make you feel good and turn you on. You'll also avoid the girls that make you feel bad and turn you off.

If you feel awkward or angry around her all the time, then chances are she's not the one. If you feel confident and sexy around her, go get her, tiger.

Alpha is owning your reactions, not avoiding them. What you choose to do with your reactions, your emotions, is what separates the men from the boys.

Choosing to show interest "too soon" only means you chose to show interest before you were actually interested, not that you showed interest before she was ready to accept your interest. Her acceptance of it has nothing to do with your desire before you reveal said desire. However, her reaction to your wanting her does have a lot to do with your following reaction. If she treats you like a dog or a punk after you make it known you want her, avoid her. Attraction is a two-way street.

In short, showing interest is like walking onto a car lot. It doesn't mean you're ready to buy the car you want at any price. It only means you're looking, trying to find out more. If the salesman doesn't present good terms, you can still walk away. It's the same with girls. Showing interest is not the same as signing a check.

Show interest freely. React freely. Commit sparingly. Commit only if it feels right. Commit only if she makes you feel good about who you are.

One Night Stands

2010-04-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

One Night Stands or ONS as the community likes to call them, is the ultimate measure of how skillful you are with women. The more one night stands you have, the more game you have. Bullshit.

One night stands are the easiest of all types of sexual relationships to form. And sleeping with many women only once is no measure of how great you are, but how lame you are.

Don't get me wrong. When I was single, one night stands certainly fun and helped build my confidence. But think about it. You're with a woman once. She doesn't call you back. You don't call her back. It's because neither of you has any interest in each other beyond just sex. And you wonder why you're still looking up skills to better "connect" with women on a social and emotional level. It's because you equate sex with that connection.

They're separate things. And the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with you again is a big clue to that.

Here's why one night stands suck. It's pouring. Or it's Christmas. And you're all alone in your apartment or dorm. All your friends are out of town visiting family. Or maybe they're out having fun while you're stuck at your place working to meet an early morning deadline. Regardless, you're trapped at your place and can't leave. Can you call up a girl get her to come over right then for a little stress relief? Even if it's just phone sex or a back massage?

Random hook ups sound good on paper. One night stands sound good on paper. But when it comes down to it, sometimes you just want to cuddle. Sometimes you just want someone who gets you and will hold you. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you less of a man. Leonidas can attest to that.

And you can't get that by posing and pretending to be someone you're not. You can't show her an illusion and expect her to fall in like with the real you.

Quit pretending to be alpha. Quit preparing for that "ultimate relationship" by seeking out one night stands. In weight lifting they say you don't build your chest by doing bicep curls. In relationship training, you don't get relationship experience by avoiding it. Everyone has sexual needs, even temporary. And there's nothing wrong with seeking out one night stands for that reason.

But don't kid yourself. It's no holy grail or measure of your success as a ladies man. To that end, neither is having one girlfriend or several girlfriends. The only measure is that enough women are interested in the real you. How much is enough? You decide that. But one is usually enough. Imagine 3-4 girls calling you every day. Again, sounds good on paper. And a boost to your ego, no doubt. But when you factor in all the other things going on in your life, all the other relationships you have to balance with that, along with the relationship with yourself through alone time, one is sometimes more than you can handle. Three to four would be torture.

But to get that one, you have to be the real you while avoiding girls who aren't interested in that. It's better to be single than with the wrong girl(s).

The steps are simple:

1) live your life.

2) have normal conversations with the girls who you are attracted to.

3) make a move on the girls who turn you on and you have fun with.

You won't be able to know everything about someone in the first meeting. Quit trying to share all of yourself with others and trying to get to know everything about someone else in that first or second meeting. Some couples get divorced after 40 years together. It took them that long to find out they were wrong for each other. Maybe they were stubborn and intentfully blind. But more likely, all relationships are transient things with their own lifetimes. When relationships stop being rewarding, get out of it. When relationships make you question yourself, whether they be relationships of 10 years or 10 minutes, leave.

In other words, quit trying to make whores into housewives and quit trying to turn housewives into whores. Not all girls want or will have one night stands, and not all girls want or will have one night stands with you.

To use one night stands or relationships as a measure of your "game" is to objectify women, to turn them into machines whose buttons you just have to push. And failure to get what you want out of them means you have no game when the reality is, game is why you're not with the women you want to be with. Game is why you keep questioning yourself.

Game is the enemy of good, healthy relationships with women -- even if having a good, healthy relationship with her means that she is not in your life.

This post started out against one night stands and ends with a warning - don't get into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. But they come from the same place. Only seek out things that meet your needs and desires. If you have a desire for social and emotional connection, a one night stand is the worst place to get that. Then again, so is an abusive long term relationship.

Only go after what fulfills your needs and desires and fuck the rest.

Confidence Revisited

2010-04-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

In Juggler's eBook, he says confidence is knowing the girl will like you as she gets to know you. I disagree.

Confidence is knowing that as she gets to know you, she is better situated to reject or accept you further, and regardless of what happens, you're still priceless and will be fine no matter what happens.

A rare combination

2010-03-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

A combination of what you do and how you do it is attractive to others (see last post). Similarly, what is attractive about others to you is made up of the same components but is rare and difficult to find if you are a person of discriminating taste.

That is, what a girl does (or says) and how she does (or says) it is attractive to various guys and unattractive to various guys, but the girl who is attractive in both the what and how is exceedingly rare.

If you're having difficulty with women, it's for one of two reasons: you either do not make the effort to show interest, or if you do, she isn't up to your standards. The rest of this blog explains how to show interest. But if you've made the legitimate effort to show interest and you still find it difficult to keep a girlfriend, then the issue is that a woman who is good enough for you has not yet been found.

Here is why it is so difficult: she must share similar interests as you. If you like intellectual discussions and she enjoys drinking and reading the gossip pages, it is unlikely you'll stay together long. Yes, women have different interests than guys and expecting her to be your best friend is not what I'm talking about here. And I'm not talking about someone who is exactly like you. She doesn't have to vote the same way you do or be of the same religion or race. Redundancy is boring. But some common ground is essential. I'm talking a shared background such as being from the same state or having similar family values, or sharing interests such as reading or watching movies. If she likes staying in and you like partying all night long, she's not right for you. If she thinks voting is not important and you do, she's probably not right for you. If it feels like you're talking to a wall, she's not right for you.

But common interests aren't enough. How she expresses those interests are key too. Is she unashamed of stating her desires and interests or tentative? Does she put her interests before you? Is she shy about speaking her mind or does she refuse to try new things? It varies from guy to guy and for you, you might like someone more outgoing or more reserved. You might like someone more dominant or someone more submissive. It varies from guy to guy.

But these two qualities aren't enough to label her your girlfriend or consider her girlfriend material. Sure, on paper, she may be exactly what you are looking for. And you know the life you'd live together would be grand. But if she's not into you, the relationship is one sided. You need to find someone else who returns your interest at least as much, and preferably more.

Take these three factors into consideration, and you'll see why its so difficult to choose a long-term mate. Of course, there is no rule saying you have to be celibate in your search for her or that such judgements can be made in the first interaction.

But it is possible to see in the first interaction whether or not you can and do get along well - whether there is any chemistry. If not, it's not you. It's her. Move on.

What is attractive

2010-02-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

In general, there are two things women (and men) find attractive. And that's what you do and how you do it. Those are two separate things - 1) what you do, and 2) how you do it.

Now, what you do is attractive to some people and unattractive to others. If you're a math professor, that will be attractive to some women and unattractive to others. Some will think its nerdy and some think nerdy is hot.

On the same note, just because a woman is not into what you do, she might be into the fact that you just plain do something, that you have a passion, and that you're unashamed of it. You own it, whatever it is. That's confidence.

Of course, some women despise both. That you're into something "weird" and that you're confident about it, that you don't give two shits about what they think about it. They want someone who is submissive and that they can control. If you're into being controlled and told what to do and like to serve others, great, you've found your niche, own it. Be confident about your need to serve and you'll be much better off. But if you have your own opinions, if you have a life you enjoy and are content with, if you enjoy your freedom and self-determination, you're better off without those women.

And the way you test for them is by doing exactly what you want and owning it.

Conversation Starters

2010-02-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

Often times I tell people just to have a normal conversation. But what is a normal conversation?

Honestly, it's hard to answer. And the answer I'm about to give is far from complete. That's why what I'm presenting are conversation starters. They help get the conversation started, but once started, become their own beast. Remember that the next time you have a conversation with anyone, stranger or friend.

The starter I'm going to describe consists of three periods of time - past, present, future. Simple, yes? Good. Simple is what we want. Simple can be molded into a variety of different shapes and sizes.

In terms of conversation, it can range from serious to boring to playful. It can range from events you do to events that do you and things you witness from the sidelines as an indirect passive observer. Remember the three periods - past, present, future.

Past - things you've done, had done to you, or witnessed. For example,

You: How was your day?
Her: Good.
You: Yeah? What'd you do today?

You: Did you watch the news today?
Her: No, why?
You: Zombies are real!

Present - things you're doing, are having done to you, or are witnessing. For example,

You: I'm working on this short story right now.
Her: Cool, what's it about?

You: I am so hungry right now, I could eat you!
Her: Like you wouldn't anyway.
You: Depends on how hairy you are.

You: What are you listening to?
Her: The Hives.
You: Never heard of them.
Her: Oh.
You: What type of music are they?
Her: Punk.
You: Are they any good?
Her: Yeah, I guess.
You: I mean, before I take your word for it, what other bands do you like?
Her: Just listen and decide for yourself, wiseguy.

Future - things you will do, want to do, will have done to you, or will witness. For example,

You: What are you waiting in line for?
Her: Inglourious Basterds.
You: I thought it was on DVD already.
Her: It's a special re-release with a Q&A with Quentin Tarantino after.

You: I want to hunt zombies one day.
Her: What's it with you and zombies?

From there, the conversation either dies or continues into whatever it continues into, depending on how much each person is willing and able to talk to the other. You can't make her want to talk, I'm not going to teach you how.

I can't teach you to make her able to talk either, but I will say ability depends on two things - her level of shyness and outgoing-ness as well as her interest in the topic. If she's interested in what you have to say, it's a pretty good sign she's interested in you to some degree. That's clicking - she clicks with you and what you have to say or do; not the other way around. Make a move when it feels right and if she's interested in that, she'll go with it. If not, she'll free you to find someone who is.

Lastly, it's important to realize that you're sometimes unable to talk to her. Maybe you just have different interests from her. You like science and zombies, she likes fashion and celebrity gossip. At which point you have to decide, are you willing to pretend to be interested in things you hate just to be with her. It's a decision only you can make.

*note, sometimes conversation starts after you make a move. However, whether you make a move or not depends not on your desire to start conversation but rather on your desire to get physical with her regardless of conversation.

**further note, conversation can relate to something said earlier or be completely random. Neither is wrong or right. They just are.

***last note, there is no sequence to this. You might talk about the future before you talk about the past. You might only talk about the present. It's completely random dictated by you and her in the moment by both of your personalities, histories, and surroundings.

how to be comfortable with yourself

2010-01-27T14:31:00.001-08:00

in the community, we hear a lot about comfort - that self-confidence is comfort with oneself and you need to build comfort to get her clothes off.

first, no matter what you do, you cannot make her comfortable. she makes herself comfortable, so forget about making her comfortable.

but you can make yourself comfortable. so how do you make yourself comfortable? in the same way you make yourself comfortable in anything else you do, such as lying in a new bed or wearing a pair of new jeans - you get familiar with your surroundings. but to what extent? after all, in a bed, your head lies on the pillow and at the head, not the foot of the bed. there's no point resting your head at the bottom in order to "get familiar" with that bed. and with jeans, there's only one way to wear them. you don't wear them inside out in order to get familiar with them. they stretch and fit the way you use them. they adapt to you and your needs.

it's the same with women. do what you want to do. it sounds easy, because it is. think of it in terms of comfort zones. with something or someone new, your comfort zone is very small. to get more comfortable, you need to stretch your comfort zone.

stretch a little or stretch a lot, depending on how fragile you think something is. start by looking at her, next saying that little joke you want to say but aren't sure is appropriate. then move to touching, see how it feels. keep doing and saying things you'd say anyway, but aren't sure is okay because you are completely familiar with this person's sense of humor, sensibility, etc. you might stretch yourself into something sexual if you're feeling it, you might not. neither is right or wrong.

but you keep stretching your comfort zone until you are able to do exactly what you want when you want without questioning yourself. your bed doesn't judge you for sleeping the way you do. and neither should your woman. you don't adapt to her. she adapts to you.

The No Words Kiss

2009-12-31T13:22:00.000-08:00

It's New Year's Eve and everyone everywhere is going to be kissing someone. Well not everyone, but just go with it.

Here's how to get yours.

Find a girl who is by herself, single or not (what kind of douche boyfriend isn't by his girl at countdown anyway?). When the countdown ends grab her by the waist and pull her in to you, facing you. She'll be startled. Good. Look at her in the eyes for exactly 1.2 seconds. It should be like you've not eaten in a month and you just spotted a tasty hambgurger with boobs. It's all animal instinct at this point. Then put your lips to hers. Done.

It also works if you do it when the countdown begins and you look in each others eyes as you countdown to the New Year. In fact, it's much more powerful because you're making your intentions known while giving her the chance (a ten second-chance) to push you away while showing how committed you are to kissing her (don't blink, figuratively speaking) - and having her kiss you.

Whereas the end of the countdown pull says you want to kiss, the start of the countdown pull says you want to kiss her. And that kiss is far, far, more passionate.

Happy New Year!

When to say "I Love You"

2009-11-15T22:18:00.001-08:00

saying "i love you" to my girlfriend for the first time was scary for me. i'd known for a while i'd loved her, but i was too scared to say it. i did not want our relationship to change. did i want to be romantic or a matter-of-fact? did i want to say it after sex or as soon as i saw her? should i say it when she's in a bad mood or in a good mood?

never did i once worry about how she'd react. it's true, she could have felt differently than me. but i was more worried about whether i truly loved her and or whether i just wanted to say it. my biggest worry was that she'd say it before me. in my mind, if she did, she'd be setting the tone of our relationship. and while i'm comfortable with her doing things for and to me, there was a part of me that demanded i stay in control of my destiny. i did not feel i could do that if she said it first.

yet if i truly loved her, it didn't matter who said it first. what she did would not change the fact that i am always in control of me. but if i didn't love her and was just attempting to maintain control, then my saying it would be a lie to myself and her.

so what did i do?

i told myself to forget it. while i did think about her alot when i was apart from her, leading me to believe i loved her, while with her, i never felt the need to say so. it's not because i didn't love her, it's because i was having too much fun to process my feelings for her. spending time with her is like spending time watching my favorite TV show - mindless. i don't mean that in a bad way. it's just means that i do not think about what's going on inside me when i'm with her. i just be. i go with the flow.

i figured if i truly loved her, the right time would present itself. i decided not to think about how to say it, i'd just say it when it felt right.

when we saw each other again, we fell into our groove and i forgot all about my worries. then we were horsing around, wrestling naked. i pinned her, looked deep into her eyes and mouthed the three magic words. she mouthed "i know" and kissed me. then she pulled my hair and did a reversal, pinning me on my back. by this point i'd forgotten about it and we wrestled some more and had some of the best sex of my life.

as we cuddled, she told me she loved me too. i said, "you said it first. you lose." she punched me in the arm and we did it again.

An exercise in logic

2009-10-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

Here's an exercise in logic for you - humans (including women) are either always attractive, always unattractive, or sometimes unattractive and sometimes attractive.

If they last option is true, it means even the hottest girl is unattractive at times. And if you can't get past the fact that she is hot to see it, you have no hope in seeing her as human. But if you do see her as human and are able to see her flaws, you understand she is no better or worse than you (because all humans are equal) and what matters is finding out whether she is compatible with you as a person and not an accessory (because humans are not accessories), rendering game unneccesary (you don't run game to make friends, do you?).

But if you consider humans always attractive, then you have to consider yourself as always attractive as well, and game is therefore unneccessary.

Yet if you consider humans as always unattractive, then game is not necessary because why would you try to be with someone you consider unattractive?

When you start seeing women as people whose company is either enjoyable or not both inside and outside the bedroom, your fortunes with them will improve dramatically.

choosing your friends

2009-10-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

i recently read something that suggested you should choose your friends based on the way others see them. not in so many words, but it presented the idea that if you hang out with social retards, then you are a social retard too, and you deserved to be judged as such. ditch the social retard friend and you ditch the social retard label.

one, we've all seen those 80s movies that call people on their bad behavior for doing just that. two, and perhaps most importantly, that belief is loaded with hypocrisy. people that present such ideas also usually suggest that you not change what interests you. so if you are a comic-book nerd or into star trek, you simply own it and be enthusiastic about it, and others will be too.

the hypocrisy lies in the suggestion you cave in to people's perceptions about the people you hang out with but not in the hobbies you pursue.

now, people might judge you based on the friends you have. and if you crave the approval of others, do what you can to get it, including dumping loyal friends simply because you think it will help you gain popularity.

but you have to ask yourself whose approval you are gaining by doing dumping your friends. are they as loyal and entertaining as your current friends? do you enjoy yourself more in their company? if so, those are good reasons to upgrade friends.

but if you enjoy a person's company regardless of how they are perceived by others, there is no reason to ditch them just to become popular. you can still make more friends without losing your old ones.

the things you do and the people you surround yourself with have to be there because you genuinely enjoy doing such things and those people's company. if you don't, stop doing them and stop seeing them immediately. being a man isn't about how others perceive you but rather about how you feel about the things and people that surround you. and a man surrounds himself by those things and people he loves, regardless of how outsiders judge him for it.

be a man.

mission 1

2009-10-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

i've recently received a string of emails from virgins asking me how to lose their virginity. while the previous posting was a reply to a specific individual, this will be tailored to a general virginal audience.

first things first - your age, race, religion, income, living situation, height, weight, and clothing do not matter. i do not want to hear any excuses involving any of the above criteria. nor do i want to hear any excuses involving any other circumstances.

second of all, the only thing stopping you from being a virgin is yourself. the only reasons you are still a virgin is because you are waiting till marriage, a girlfriend, or you are simply a coward.

and in the cases where you are still waiting for marriage or a girlfriend, you are a virgin not because of lack of opportunity. you've simply turned down girls in order to stay true to your moral code. that means you will most likely have had oral sex and other forms of foreplay, stopping at intercourse and severly disappointing your girl(s). if this is you, you are not wondering how to get laid.

therefore, if you are reading this and wondering how to get laid, you are a coward or simply incredibly young.

now that that is out of the way, here is how to get laid - stop worrying about it. enjoy the pursuit of sex and let go of the disappointment associated with failure. the way you do this is by understanding that you can still masturbate and get off. it's that simple. if she doesn't get you off, you still have other options. such as masturbation. this does not mean you eliminate the disappointment associated with failure, it just means you have ways of dealing with it and understand life goes on and that there will be other opportunities to get laid.

next, live your life. there is more to life than sex. you have friends, family, work, school, ambitions, and other desires that need tending to. tend to them.

then, talk to the girls you find attractive. this does not mean avoid the girls you find unattractive. that is your decision. but you cannot have sex with anyone you refuse to interact with. the conversation need not be special. it can be boring. it can be entertaining. it can be just a few words. it can stretch out for months. it is what it is.

lastly, make a move*. you have to express your interest in her sexually both verbally and nonverbally. sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately. but you have to express that interest in her for her to understand your desires. if she has similar desires for you, she will return the interest by not leaving. if she does not, she will leave. the point of making a move on her is to get her to express her interest. there is no winning her over. there is only freeing her to act on her desires, positive or negative. and that is the best you can do.

verbally speaking, making a move can constitute asking her out, telling her she's cute, to saying she's turning you on.

nonverbally, making a move can constitute looking at her while imagining kissing her naked belly, caressing the inside of her palm with your index finger, or going in for a kiss.

the above lists are not complete as you can add your own moves to the mix such as putting an arm around her waist or placing your hand on the inside of her thigh. it can also include insinuating sexual contact between the two of you or being direct about your interest such as asking her back to your place.

but short of making a move, you will not free her to express her desires. and unless you do so, you will stay a virgin. my advice is to sack up, grow a pair, and make a move. anything else is just an excuse.

with that understanding out of the way, here is your first mission:

1. in the next week, walk up to five girls you find attractive.
2. tell her you find her attractive and want to know her name.
3. conversate for a bit, just being yourself.
4. make the move that seems appropriate no matter how well or poorly the conversation seems to be going - either ask her out, touch her leg, or try to kiss her.
5. post your results for each girl in the comments section or email them to me.

failure to do this means it is your fault. success in seeing this through to the end regardless of how she reacts means it is her fault and that she has no place on your team. sex is a team sport and she has to be willing and able to play along - and to play well. once you get comfortable in the process, you will be able to distinguish just who you want to make a move on from the ones you don't want to make a move on.

if you get a date, i will post the second mission, detailing just what to do on the second date.

*note - expressing your interest and following through with physical actions does not mean sex will come immediately. sometimes it does. sometimes she will need time to think about your offer. sometimes a "no" just means "not yet." and sometimes, despite everything going great, it will never happen. that's life.

waving the virgin flag

2009-10-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

Hey Dirk!

I've been thinking about some suggestions for your blog. Here's one of my personal BIG hangups: my lack of sexual experience, and lack of serious relationships. I feel like i don't have a "sexual identity", because of my lack of experience with having sex with women, and having relationships. I feel a lot like i have to hide this, since that seems like the smartest thing to do. I have a feeling women and people in general can SMELL it, though. I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women). The only girls i can more or less feel completely no shyness towards, are the ones i'm not attracted to :-)

You can't exactly brag to everybody you're an almost virgin, and have only had sex with prostitutes. With me personally, this comes along with a feeling of "unworthiness in the world of having sex with beautiful women".

So, i guess my suggestion for one of your blog posts would be, how you, Dirk Manley, would handle being a virgin in his late twenties, or having a big lack of experience with women in general. I presume having read your posts, you'll say it doesn't really matter if you focus on what you want, but i'm curious what you would have to say about this subject.

Rock on dude, and thanks again for your blog posts!

Pieter

hey pieter,

admitting your problem is the first step towards fixing it. if you don't know what to fix, how can you fix it?

i too lost my virginity in my mid-twenties. so i can understand the fear that comes with not knowing how she will react and the confusion that comes from not knowing what to do.

but the solution is simple, fortunately. you even guessed correctly at my response about focusing on what you want. but there is a big difference between focusing on what you want and actually getting it. it is possible to focus on your desires and go about it in entirely complicated and unproductive ways. as a reader of my posts, you should understand i also advocate keeping it simple. tell her what you wrote here so brilliantly and seductively:

I feel uncomfortable touching women and looking them in the eyes, just because my desire is so big towards them. I get shy, because the feelings are overwhelming (especially when i'm talking to REALLY sexy women).

i can't imagine any woman not wetting herself and raping you when she hears that your desire for her is so much you can't function normally. i have never advocated being cool, funny, or charming. the idea that you have to earn the right to speak your mind is not an idea i promote. you have to do no tricks to say what you said above. the rest is manning up and realizing actions speak louder than words. so even if she doesn't ravish you herself, if she doesn't run away, it's her way of saying "try me". she is giving you permission to have your way with her.

i can't tell you why you should feel worthy of women. that's something you have to figure out and decide. but i bet there are incredibly attractive women who do look at you and think you are incredibly attractive. and it's your job to find out who those women are by making the first move.

if you still find yourself unable to go after what you want, work your way up starting with women you feel comfortable around, even if they are unattractive by other's standards. all that really matters is that she turns you on. each subsequent woman should be more attractive than the last. this way you get comfortable with the process from pick up to clean up.

see my post on being a man. the responsibility to get what you want is yours. let go of the idea of being perfect, smooth, or worthy.

sex is a team sport

2009-10-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

a lot of guys place a lot of responsibility on themselves. now, responsibility is an essential component of being a man, but a woman is a person too. as great a player as michael jackson was, he could not have scored the points he did or won the games he did without the help of his team. and while he did his best to motivate them, it was ultimately up to them to bring their "a" game. and not everyone who tried was cut out for the team. some didn't even get to try out. and those that did make the cut didn't always end up starting. some were just second stringers. what about the players who were good enough? well, they didn't all want to play for chicago. some wanted to play for los angeles or orlando.

what does this have to do with women?

my point is that having sex with a woman is not like rome sacking a city. it's not an invasion. it's not a competition. when you have sex with her, the team of you and her win. she enjoys it too. she wants it too. she's working with you to make it happen. she's not working against you and you have to get rid of all thoughts inside your head that tell you she's a thing to be conquered.

see, it's up to her whether she plays with you or not. and she has to be both willing and able. just because you want her doesn't mean you will get her. the question you have to ask yourself is why would you want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with you?

there are easy ways to see if a girl wants to play with you, if she wants to be on your team. you put your real personality forward. if she doesn't run away physically or mentally, she's down to play. when you flirt with her and tease her, she laughs. she wants you. when you touch her leg or waist, she goes with it. she wants you. but just because she's not running away doesn't mean she's good enough to play with you.

do you want any partner or do you want a great partner?

a chick who'd make a great partner, at least in my opinion based on my desires, would do that back to me. when i'm being real with her, she'll be real with me. when i'm flirting and teasing her, she'll flirt with and tease me. when i touch her, she'll touch me. i'm not just playing with her, she's playing back.

and even then that's not enough. her attempts at playing with me have to actually make me smile, they have to make me want to stay rather than run for the hills.

now, as a man, it's my job to trigger all this by actively doing what i'm seeking in return. i need someone whose good at assists and ally-oops. i need someone who can dunk. and as a man, it's my job to set up situations that test for this. but if she doesn't play back, it's not my fault. it's hers.

quit blaming yourself when she flakes on you or ignores you. quit trying to figure out how to get the girl. just go after her in a way that feels right to you; be simple and direct.

that will free you to have fun instead of living inside your head where your inner demons lurk. when you're not focused on methods, you're having fun, and you are able to test if she's the right one for you. you decide what you're looking for, she lets you know whether or not she fits that role.

you can't put a square peg inside a round hole.

intrinsic vs extrinsic motivators

2009-09-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

we are going to discuss the two types of motivation and how that applies to a man's life. this post is about getting you off your ass and finding the motivation to do something.

there are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. intrinsic motivators originate from the inside of a person. it's his sense of purpose. to the outsider, it seems he does it for no reason other than for the love of it.

extrinsic motivators originate from the outside of a person. to the outsider, there are clear reasons why that person does what he does: money, fame, women, etc. he seeks out those tangible rewards for doing what he does.

however, it is important to note that just because someone does not get those tangible rewards does not mean their motivations are intrinsic and just because someone is rich, famous, and surrounded by women does not mean the reason they do what they do is extrinsic.

both van goh and picasso created masterpieces that sell for millions today, yet one died broke and without an ear and the other was one of the richest living artists. one felt unappreciated and misunderstood, selling not a single piece during his lifetime, and the other could not give two shits what others could or could not afford to pay for his work. one sought recognition from the art world, one pursued his artistic impulse.

often times, the intrinsically driven are the most financially successful in the world. both donald trump and bill gates stopped needing fame or fortune by the time they earned their first million and certainly their first hundred million. yet their love for what they did kept them going until they changed the way business was done, not to mention the landscape of technology and real estate.

and even those intrinsically-driven individuals that aren't financially successful find a great degree of happiness in knowing they are doing what they truly enjoy doing. as with the financially successful, their motivators, their rewards, their definitions and signals of success come from the way they feel inside rather than from any outside source.

it is hard to point to an example of someone who is intrinsically motivated, yet unsuccessful by society's standards. their lack of fame makes it hard for them to be recognizable. but we all know them. their lives aren't much different from our own. they live next to us, have the same job, know the same people and despite not being rich, famous, or particularly good with women (or people), seem to be happy nonetheless.

it's because they define success on their own terms. the reasons for doing what they do come from inside them rather than from "society." the natural question to ask then is "how do they define success?" simple. they define success in a way that lets them feel they can and do achieve it. it feels daunting to feel like you've gotta earn a million bucks by the time you're 30. yet it is easy to do and believe you can tie your shoelaces, pay the rent on time, or enjoy sharing a few laughs.

success is not about how much money you earn, but rather whether you accomplish your goal or not. those who are intrinsically motivated have not only very different reasons for doing what they do, they seek to do very different things.

take the men who want nothing more than to sleep with many different women. they may do just that. being extrinsically motivated is not a guarantee of failure to achieve external rewards. external rewards are quite nice.

but in the case of men who want to sleep with many different women and fail to do that, the one who is intrinsically motivated will end up being much happier. his reason for trying to sleep with them comes from the inside - his love for women and their company. his rewards are small and enough to keep him trying in the face of many obstacles. he enjoys talking and flirting with them. he enjoys touching them. he enjoys just being surrounded by them. the sex is nice if it happens. but it's fine if it doesn't. he's gotten what he wanted despite not getting his freak on.

now, the extrinsically motivated man will only judge his success by the fact that he has had sex with a woman. any failure to do so crushes his morale and sense of worth. he is unable to appreciate any joys he shared with a girl if he does not have sex with her.

i mention the word "enjoy" a lot in this post. yet "enjoy" is such an ambiguous word. i enjoy a slice of pizza and watching a movie with my girlfriend. the thought of skydiving terrifies me. you could enjoy doing something else. but our sense of enjoyment does share something in common. it comes from the doing, not the achieving.

enjoyment is about the pleasurable sensations we feel emotionally, mentally, and/or physically when doing something. they say a shark must swim or die. the intrinsically motivated do or be miserable.

despite van goh's lack of financial success, you can bet the world stopped turning for the joy he felt while painting. his desire to paint and express himself visually was intrinsically driven. why else paint and live the life of a pauper when there were surer ways to earn lots of money? why else pursue an artistic style few understood when he clearly had the ability to do something more commercially viable?

extrinsic and intrinsic motivators do not exist in a vacuum. people's reasons for doing things are often some mix of the two. it's hard to say bill gates or donald trump did what they did just for the love of the game. and its hard to say that ladies men who surround themselves with women would be happy living the life of celibacy. money certainly was and is a motivating factor, and an effective one at that. as is popularity. and sex.

but to be happy, a reason for doing must exist beyond those external factors. doing must also be done for the sake and joy of doing. if you focus so much on the end game, on the signs of success, you lose sight of the joy that can be had in the doing.

it's like having sex just to cum. cumming is amazing. but sex is awesome even without cumming. making out is awesome even if the clothes don't come off. going in for the kiss is fun even if she turns her cheek. getting high off her giggles is a moment enjoyed even if she is taken. being her friend is a blessing even without the benefits. and those who are only motivated extrinsically cannot enjoy women unless they cum.

don't be that guy. find reasons to enjoy the process. find your intrinsic motivators.

why self-improvement is bullshit

2009-09-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

the word "self-improvement" by itself and taken literally does not indicate the level of bullshit this industry serves on an hourly basis. the word itself does not show you what a useless pursuit self-improvement truly is.

first lets look at the word. "self-improvement". a harmless word. a great thought. since the dawn of man much of knowledge had to be passed on my teachers. while not necessarily in a formal setting like a classroom, others taught man how to do things like language through writing, how to build a fire through imitation, and more. and we soon realized a more formal system of education was better and more efficient.

but somethings just couldn't be taught in a classroom or weren't available for various reasons. so people sought to do those things for themselves. they'd seek out others who held such knowledge and became their apprentices in the hopes of learning from the best. some just did things on their own until they became really good at it through trial and error. and some of those even wrote books about it, hoping to save others the trouble they went through (and make a few bucks while at it). but the result was that people improved themselves at specific tasks. they improved their ability to make things out of wood, their knowledge of history, their ability to make science projects, or draw 50 different animals.

today, however, the self-improvement industry has lost its way, claiming if you some how improve yourself you'll be better at everything. if you improve yourself, your life will be better. but improve at doing what exactly? and how do you objectively judge the quality of a life? and therein lies the problem with the self-improvement industry and its billions of followers.

have higher self-esteem, says book one, and you'll live a better life. you'll be able to get people to treat you better simply because of your higher self-esteem. think positive, says book two, and you'll be able to do whatever you set your mind to. live in the now, claims book three, and you'll be able to enjoy whatever it is you do.

they speak in generalities. but they don't once consider that perhaps the emotional and mental strength so often seen in the successful follow actually achieving success. whereas the books of old sought to improve ones ability at a specific task, the books of today simply seek to make you feel better about not doing much.

yet there lies the irony. the self-improvement books that seek to make you feel better try to convince you that you need improvement. yet if you are confident, you don't seek out improvement. and if we follow the logic of self-improvement books, which is act as if you are already confident, then you wouldn't be reading the self-improvement books in the first place.

the self-improvement books don't provide any exercises or data with quantifiable results that show improved confidence actually improves one's ability to "be a better person", to "live a better life", or "do whatever one sets his mind to".

they don't bother with the concept of over-confidence which is believing one is capable of more than actually doing.

and that's because confidence and belief in oneself come from actually doing great things. you cannot "improve yourself". the concept is bullshit. but you can improve your ability to do certain tasks. you can improve your knowledge of world war ii. you can improve your ability to draw. you can improve your ability to speak to large crowds. and through accomplishing your goals, you can improve your image of yourself in your own mind and your belief in yourself to do said task as well as any other task you might choose to set your mind and labor to.

but that comes from having quantifiable goals. you have to have something to measure your successes (and failures) against. if you want to "improve with women" or "improve with people" figure out a realistic and measurable way to judge your success.

walking into a room and having every woman swoon at you is not realistic nor measurable (everyone swoons in their own and often unnoticeable ways). having a great conversation with everyone you talk to is not realistic nor measurable (some people are too busy or just bad with conversation themselves).

try these yardsticks of success instead:

1) you have more than one friend who you can call up to hang out with at the last minute.

2) you have more than one friend you can call for help should you ever need help (a ride to the airport, moving, bail money, alibi, etc).

for judging your success with women:

1) you have at least one woman in your life who you consider attractive and who you speak with normally on a regular basis as if she were just another one of your buddies.

2) when you ask out 10 women you find attractive, at least one will say yes.

3) when you try to kiss 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date on, at least one will kiss you back.

4) when you ask 10 women you find attractive and have been on a date with back to your place, at least one will accept, even if she expresses some hesitation at first.

these are the yardsticks i used to measure myself. i did not use how comfortable i felt doing these tasks as a measure of success. i did not use how much they laughed at my jokes more than someone elses jokes. i did not use any subjective measures of my success other than whether i found the women attractive or not and what consisted of a normal conversation.

a normal conversation for me is very different than a normal conversation for you. you might enjoy talking about video games or want to know where the bathroom is. i enjoy talking about football and want to know where the bathroom is.

in short, forget about improving yourself. focus instead on your improved ability to do the things you want to be good at. the good feelings you have for yourself come after that. have quantifiable goals you can measure your success against. a good goal will also clue you in on how to achieve it (hint: by actually trying to do it).

confidence comes from holding yourself accountable, not a book telling you that you simply need to feel good.

the brad pitt theory

2009-09-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

this post relates more to relationships than picking up girls, but i'm sure with a little imagination, you can see how to apply it there.

one of the most famous questions asked in the community is "what would brad pitt do?" whenever faced with a situation they don't know how to handle, would be charmers ask what would the worlds arguably most desirable man do?

having a conversation with a female friend last night, i confirmed a suspicion i've had for a while now. i've stated is earlier in other forms, ie "if she stays she wants to play" and "if she likes you, you can do no wrong. but if she doesn't, you can do no right".

so my take is a little different. instead of asking "what would brad pitt do?" guys should be asking "how would she treat brad pitt?" while its normally not advisable to compare yourself to others, brad pitt or anyone else, in this instance it takes the pressure off.

lets say brad pitt tells a crude joke involving vomit, fecal matter, and rape. all at once. yeah, it's a horrible joke. would that turn the girl off him? would that send her running for the hills? maybe. but probably not. she might not laugh, she might even act disgusted, but she won't break up with him because of it.

if you're in a relationship and you are constantly wondering if you're doing right by your girl, you're doing it wrong. if you feel restricted, nervous, or unsure of yourself all the time. if she's making demands you're breaking your back to meet. unless you like that, you are with the wrong girl.

because no girl would ever do that to brad pitt. and if she did, he'd dump her and move on. what matters is how you feel around her - how she makes you feel. if she treats you any different than she would her perfect guy (brad pitt for example), then you are not her perfect guy. you are doing both of yourselves a favor by dumping her and moving on. you free her to find her mr. right and you free yourself to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

the thicker your skin, the more you can deal with, so don't take this as an excuse to be a wuss who can't take some heat. but don't put up with more than you feel you need to. if you want to be treated better, demand it. demand it by holding yourself and her to a higher standard.

know that if she is willing to treat someone, anyone better than you, then she is capable of it. and if she is capable of it, you deserve it.

ask yourself, "how would she treat brad pitt?"

talking about sex vs. being sexual

2009-08-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

a little while ago, someone asked me if there was a difference between talking about sex and being sexy. while I thought my post on "being sexual" was enough to cover the matter, there seems to be some confusion on the matter still, so i will discuss it here.

there are two ways to bring sex up with a girl: either talk about it or talk about (or do) things in a way that implies sex. both are valid. and the important thing is to do it. but one is more likely to get you laid than the other.

the first case, talking about sex, is great when you want to bring up the topic of sex. it allows you to talk about your likes and dislikes, your expectations or lack of them. and the same for her. it allows you to find out about her logistics and thoughts on the matter such as how far she's willing to go on the first night and her stance on relationships. but that does not mean she'll jump your bones because you have a conversation about sex. she might be thinking about it, maybe even thinking about sex with you, but talking about sex will not get her to make a move on you.

the second case, being sexual, puts you in a sexy mood. which will put her into a sexy mood if she's into you at all. i will not discuss here how to be sexual, as i have already done so in the past. but i will describe what usually happens when you are sexual. the vibe between you will be more flirtatious. both of you are thinking sex and sex with each other. she will most likely NOT jump your bones, but you will notice you are close enough to make a move without it being awkward. and because you are in the right state of mind, you will find it easier to make a move on her than say if you were 5 feet away and thinking about what to say next.

now, you can combine the two in anyway you like. talk about sex first, and as you get hornier, being sexual will happen naturally if you don't fight it. from there, simply say "come here" and lock lips. or if you don't like being so overt in your sexuality, invite her into your bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed, legs touching. look into her eyes and put your lips to hers. you can also be sexual and as you notice her getting more flirtatious, start talking sex. ask about her favorite positions and tell her how you'd kiss her and the other naughty things you'd do to her. paint a picture with your words. a pornographic picture.

the point is that anything works as long as you work towards creating a moment where you are both able to act on your desires. sometimes that takes words. sometimes no words are needed. but the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes, and the willingness to make a move are essential for making it happen. the desires you feel at any moment will dictate whether it's a horny dominant burning desire for fucking or something more tender and sensual like making love.

the focus, your focus, should be on creating a moment where you feel like having sex with her. it's not so much about turning her on. her greatest turn on is knowing she's turning you on. the more turned on you are, the more turned on she will be. sometimes that means talking about sex and being flirtatious instead of talking pleasantries. sometimes talking about the weather while resisting the urge to state your interest can be just what the doctor ordered. trust your instincts. do what feels right.

then it's simply a matter of letting yourself make a move. say "fuck it" out loud and pull her in close. look into her eyes and put your lips on hers.

looking good vs doing good

2009-08-12T00:01:00.001-07:00

too many people in our culture are obsessed with looking good. they take will smith's line from men in black, "i make this look good," to the extreme. what people fail to realize is that actually doing good often doesn't look very impressive at all. often it can look down right ugly. michael jordan's signature tongue hanging out was often derided at first.

but the most glaring example of the effectiveness of looking good vs the effectiveness of doing good is porn vs actual sex. porn sex is nothing like real sex. actors often spend 8 to 12 hour days working on a single scene. it's uncomfortable and a pain to shoot. none of the ecstasy or pleasure of sex can be found there. but it sure as hell looks pretty.

real sex is a lot different. it's messy, it's clumsy, and it's downright ugly. the expressions on lovers' faces range from grimaces to other contortions which have no name. sweat, spit, and other fluids everywhere. the positions are nowhere near as elegant or arousing as porn to the outside observer. more often than not, it's just a hairy ass in the air.

but sex is one of the greatest physical, mental, and emotional experiences in which we can indulge in our short lives.

trying to make it look good to the outside observer leads partners to share one of the most uncomfortable experiences they can in front of a camera, real and imaginary. it looks good to others, but is painful to experience. not giving a shit what others think leads to a blissful experience some religions save only for the holiest of unions.

this applies to other areas as well. often, picking up a girl will result in the most boring conversations about each others jobs and other self-revelatory topics. outside listeners might look on in interest at first but soon stop caring when they see the man and woman getting along instead of being rejected. the conversation does not concern them, so they get bored and move on with their focus. nor is it particularly juicy or inflammatory enough for them to keep eavesdropping. those conversations are often nothing like the conversations posted on OverheardinNewYork.com. however, to the man and woman engaged in the conversation, nothing in the world matters more at that moment in time but the presence of their conversational partner.

stop caring what you look like when doing something. instead, focus on doing it well. make it an experience you and your partner enjoy rather than some third party would enjoy watching or listening into.

in other words, you'll be far more successful when you stop worrying about what others think. their opinions don't matter and often hinder you.

female friends

2009-08-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Dirk,

What is your take on female friends? Should I be trying to sleep with them? Can men and women be just friends? Should I try to be just friends with women?

Thanks,
XXXXX

hey XXXXX,

i'm not going to tell you whether or not you should sleep with your female friends. i don't even know if its possible to be just friends with women. i leave that up to people who like to argue rather than actually have relationships.

but i will say that you should absolutely make every effort to have females in your life who are just friends. hot, ugly, skinny, fat. of all shapes and sizes.

and here's why - when you go out to meet women, your goal should be to sleep with them, assuming you're looking for a relationship where sex is involved. if you go out looking for friends, don't be surprised if you end up with a girl who says "lets just be friends". she might say it anyway if you go out looking for sex, but the chances of finding what you're looking for increase when you actually look for it.

having female friends in your life will take care of that social neediness inside you that is telling you that you are not attractive, that you are not cool, that you are not funny, and that you have to become or do all those things in order to get the girl. it's bullshit.

you do not have to attract, act cool, or entertain in order to get laid. but your belief in yourself as an attractive, worthy man is essential to taking the steps necessary to get laid. and that is more likely to happen when you have a strong social network that satisfies that urge in you to "be social" and impress her with your "social skillZ". you would not have friends if you weren't worth having as a friend. and once you realize this, you are less likely to try to prove it.

think of the kung fu master who gives up fighting others because he realizes his greatest opponent is himself. he has nothing left to prove.

when you have friends, you are less likely to go out to make friends. when you have female friends, your need for having female friends decreases, and because of that, you are less likely to go out to make female friends.

instead, you will seek what you lack - female sexual relations. it's something that is both concious and subconcious. taking care of it on the concious level (making and keeping female friends) will take care of it on the subconcious level (trying to get laid when you do meet an attractive female).

having female friends will make you comfortable being yourself around women and show you that it's not what you say that keeps them in your life. having female friends will also allow you to find out the type of people (and women) you like having in your life.

the problem with guys who don't get laid is that usually they don't have a lot of friends, female or otherwise. this gets them wanting someone in their life who will stay in their life forever and ever. relationships by their nature are transient things, lasting however long you see each other regularly and ending as soon as the people involved go their own separate ways. sure, people keep in touch, but only if they've formed deep emotional (or sexual) connections during the time they spent together. deep emotional connections take a long time to form.

but sexual connections happen much quicker. by having people in your life who you share deep emotional connections with, your need to seek them out decreases. this frees you to focus on making those sexual connections.

if you want to get laid, have more female friends.

"Just Go For It"

2009-07-31T21:01:00.001-07:00

here is a message i received with an important lesson i feel all my readers can benefit from. worrying about how to get girls is not what life is about.

Hey Dirkmanley,

I wanted to say that I've always respected your posts, and this email is about how your posts are finally starting to make some real sense to me. For a long time in my life I was a painfully shy guy, but more recently I've started coming out of my shell. I'd say that now I'm pretty confident and enjoy where I'm at in life.

I recently took a bootcamp and it was nice because I went into it with the mentality that I'm going to try my damndest to close. And sure enough I did a decent amount of closing - some #s and some kissing.

Tonight I had a second date with 2 chicks that I met over the bootcamp. I'm really into one of the chicks but I didn't kiss her or anything when I first met her. They took time out of their busy schedule to meet with me and my buddy (who, I should mention, has never taken a bootcamp nor knows very much about JM).

Anyway, we hit up a bar, and I go to talk with the girl I like while my buddy talks to her friend. I chatted with my girl all night long while I waited for IOIs or waited for a right time to SOI her. I'm sure you can guess what happened. No sex.

Dude, tonight I finally realized that my problem isn't that I can't carry a conversation. Trust me, there was plenty of conversation with this chick - there was WAAAAY too much conversation with this chick!

Tonight I realized my problem was that I was too much of a wuss to escalate. Plain and simple. And this is what you've been saying all along in the forum as being a huge key to sex. I realized that once a girl is willing to come out and meet you it pretty much comes down to escalating, and that I was a dumbass for waiting for her to, in essence, give me permission to escalate. I was waiting for IOIs. The mere fact that she showed up was all the evidence I needed to make a move.

You know what the funny thing was about tonight? My wing, who only knows enough about JM to know that you gotta make it sexual, chatted with my "target's" friend and quickly brought the subject to sex and fun stuff like that. He was touching her like crazy. Isn't it crazy that when you boil it down he really understands JM better than I do, even thought I've read the ebook and taken the bootcamp? Hah!

Anyway, I've learned my lesson, man. I've got 2 of your Big 3 down. I'm living the life I want and I talk to the people I want to talk to. Now it's time to man up and escalate on these women. While the bootcamp taught me a thing or two about projecting the right vibe when doing a cold approach, I think that all of that is meaningless if you don't make a move.

I used to go nuts when I read your posts because I felt you'd almost always answer forum questions with answers that boiled down to "make a move on her." I craved "game" and "conversational skills" but tonight both my lack of escalation and my friend's willingness to take risks showed me that in the end that stuff won't get you the girl. I'm spending tonight alone when that didn't need to be the case.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for a while now. The bottom line is that I think you're the man for boiling down "game" to 3 simple rules and that I now have a better appreciation for the need to take risks and make a move, even in the absence of IOIs.

Thanks,
-XXXX

i highlighted what i found funny. thanks for letting me share, XXXX. i hope others learn from it what you already have.

the keys to power 3

2009-07-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

the first key to power is power over oneself. you get shit done even if the rest of the world around you is going to shit. the second key to power is valuing what you have to offer others. when you ask favors of others, you have something to give them in return.

the third key to power is strategic. if you're an anime nerd like me, you've probably seen Full Metal Alchemist. in it, they talk about the law of equivalent exchange. that is, an exchange being only effective if the things being exchanged are of equal value. an eye for an eye, a toy for a toy, etc.

and while you can get along in the world making equal trades, it does not amass power. power is amassed in the same way wealth is, through profit. that is, in order to gain power, you must give less than you receive. equivalent exchange doesn't work for power. people have to give you more than they take from you.

why does this make you powerful? why does giving less than you receive build your power? because you don't need anything from anyone. the first key to power allows you to do for yourself. so whether others aid you or not, you will get the job done. and the second key to power allows you to place a value on what you have to offer others. when they seek assistance from you or when they assist you, it's because you have something to offer them.

it will feel like they're getting more than they paid for. if they ask for an inch, you give half an inch, but to them it will feel like you're giving a mile. that's just how much you value your half-inch.

the last key to power, then, is about realizing what you have to offer them is worth more than they have to offer you. you will get your shit done with or without them. but if they want your help, they have to be willing to pay the price for your services to get it.

the third key to power is giving less than you receive. because the little you do give is worth as much if not more than the lot that others give.

next: the door to power, because what good are the keys if you have no door to use them on?

the keys to power 2

2009-07-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

so we've established that power is the ability to get things done, whether through other people or doing it ourselves if we have to.

but how do we get others to do things for us? simple. give them what they want.

when we want milk, we buy it at a grocery store. when we want our cars fixed, we pay someone to do that. power over others is similar. you have to offer them something in return for their services. what you offer need not be financial, but more often than not, those who we idolize for being powerful use money.

so lets explore what things we can offer in return for the services of others. we can look at a movie like "The Godfather" where mob boss Don Corleone trades favors for favors. when Don Corleone wants his godson in a movie, he offers the producer some leverage in dealing with the unions. it's an application of the saying "if you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours."

of course, not everyone will want what you have to offer. what do you do then? if you're Don Corleone, you can make an offer they can't refuse. cut off the head of their prized horse. or assure them that if they don't do something, their brains will splatter when you pull the trigger.

but lets assume you're not Don Corleone. lets assume you don't want to break the law. its the way i do things.

in such cases i still take lessons from "The Godfather". should anyone ever turn down my request for a favor, i never ask them for a favor again. how does this help gain power over them, you ask. simple. i know i have a lot to offer - my friendship, my talent, my connections, my loyalty, my sense of humor, my personality, my time, me, essentially, and all that i am and can do.

and when they turn me down, they lose everything i have to offer in return. and i make sure not to give to them if they refuse me what i ask of them. if a store refused to sell me milk i wanted, not only would i not give them my money for that transaction, i would not shop there again for anything. and if i'm really ticked off, i will do what i can do reduce their business by taking more customers to my side. to get me to stop and to stay in business, that grocery store will have to acquiese to my requests. i will then have the upper hand. same principle.

power over others is gained through exchange.

the second key to power, like the first key of power, comes back to you - value what you can offer to others. one key left.

the keys to power 1

2009-07-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

"power is the ultimate aphrodisiac," or so henry kissinger said.

but what is power. power is easy to recognize when we see it. a man snaps his finger, people run to serve him. he utters a word, and things get done. big things. he commands, other people do. that's power. right?

wrong. what you don't see is him signing their paycheck, or at least the paycheck he signs of the guy he pays to sign everyone elses' paychecks.

power is not about controlling others. it's not about power over others because when all is said and done, we honestly have very little power over others, even the guy who issues orders. no one will do anything for you for nothing. but we do have lots of power over ourselves. because we will work for ourselves for nothing. we tie our own shoelaces. we wipe our own asses. we walk ourselves to work if our car won't start and we're late for the bus. all for free.

see, there is only one kind of power and that is the power to get things done. and it doesn't matter if you do it yourself, command one or two others, or an entire army; if you don't get things done, you have no power.

but if you can get things done, all by yourself, you have more power than all the ceos and dictators in the world.

the first key to power is power over oneself. more keys to come.

why all men should work out

2009-07-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

i could go into rehashing research that shows lifting weights makes you mentally sharper. or i could point out that you'll closer resemble the idealized media image of a man, which helps build your confidence around other men and women. i could also point out that your testosterone production increases, further developing your aggression and sex drive. and i certainly won't point out that lifting weights makes you much stronger, giving you the stamina and energy to lift heavy things and last longer in bed, making you a better lover.

and while all of the above are certainly valid reasons to lift weights and work out, the real reason you should work out, why you should lift weights, is that the women at the gym are likely to have benefitted the same pluses. the women at the gym are likely to be more confident, more outgoing, more aggressive, more energetic, better in bed, and closer resemble the idealized media image of a woman. especially if they lift weights, but sticking to the treadmill is just as good for them.

if you want better women, you have to change where you look. know what you want from a woman, figure out the likeliest place to find someone who matches that description, and go there to look for her.

but here's the kicker.

if you want someone whose truly compatible with you, you won't have to go anywhere special. you won't have to figure out where to meet girls. you just have to be active about pursuing your interests, your hobbies, your daily life. and whatever women you happen to meet in the course of doing so are likely to be your best bet.

the only question you have to answer then is, "am i attracted to them?" because you'll already be the man they are attracted to. so you have to find selfish reasons for doing what you do. reasons that benefit you even if other people turn their backs on you for doing so. reasons even for going to the gym.

you cannot live your life for others. only yourself.

Barely Legal

2009-07-13T01:52:00.001-07:00

I received the following email from a reader asking for advice on whether he should sleep with a younger co-worker:

Heya D.,

Your posts always help me out. I have always liked the no nonsense, simple, and non-mystical way you have of seeing things. Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that there's this new co-worker at work, and she's hot. I mean super-fucking hot. And she's into me. And I like her. Not like I wanna marry her or anything. It's just that it's fun flirting with her (and she gets my dick hard). The problem is that she's 18. My experience with 18 year olds haven't been good. It's not that we don't get along; it's just that, well, the sex sucks.

I've fucked girls ranging from 18 to 40. With girls who are one night stands, the sex was guaranteed to be good if they were 30 or older. But if they were 22 or younger, the sex depended on their maturity level and sexual experience. I've even found that girls with more sexual experience than me but younger than 22 were still passive in bed. Unless we fucked more than a couple of times, but by that point, their personalities started to wear thin on me. And my policy is that I shouldn't have to put up with lame people for good sex when I can meet girls with great personalities who are good in bed and hot. It's one thing if she's a one night stand, but another if I'm going to be fucking her multiple times. And sometimes you just know from the minute you start talking.

However, I still want to fuck my 18 year old co-worker. What should I do?
Stay awesome,
Confused

Hey Confused,

Fuck her. Seriously. If she's legal and it's consensual, fuck her.

The fact that she's able to get you hard means there's something in you that isn't satisfied with the idea that sex with younger girls is bad. When I see an 18 year old girl, I'm immediately reminded of my mediocre sexual experiences. And that makes it hard for me to get hard. I have to want to have sex with a girl in order to have sex with her. Even if I wasn't in a committed relationship right now, I'd stay away from 18 year olds.

I know it sounds wrong and bigoted, but you have the right to be discriminating when it comes to your sex life. If you don't like shy girls, rude girls, overweight girls or whatever else type you consider a deal breaker, you don't sleep with them. And it's the same with age. There's nothing wrong with discriminating based on age. Does that mean all 18 year olds are bad in bed? No. Just like some overweight, shy, or bitchy girls are sexy in their own way. But discriminating factors provide a shorthand that allows you to make quick judgments about who you'll try to sleep with and who you won't because your time is valuable to yourself if not anyone else.

However my answer is the same--fuck her. The fact that you are seriously considering fucking her, fuck her. Fuck all the 18 year old girls it takes to get them out of your system. Always trust your instincts. If she makes your dick hard, fuck her.

When you finally get sick of 18 year olds and truly believe them to be bad in bed, they won't be able to turn you on unless they start acting in ways that turn you on. You need to get in there, roll your sleeves up, and figure out what it truly is that turns you on in a woman besides her looks and the fact that she flirts back.

If that's all it takes, there's nothing wrong with that. But at least you'll know for sure what it takes. And that makes it easier to find what you want.

The Zone

2009-07-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

People talk about the zone all the time. Especially us creative types, but it's concept has been covered to include such mundane activities like eating and watching TV.

So what exactly is the zone and how do you get in it?

The zone is a place where you just seem on. It's like focus, but everything seems to be going your way. The wind is behind your back and nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do. Not only that, nothing seems to be in your way. You anticipate your opponent's moves 2-3 steps ahead. Distractions are a blur.

Or so the theory goes.

I disagree. As a writer, I find I do my best writing when I get in the zone. Unfortunately, some days are hard. Very hard. I'll sit staring at a blank screen and everything I put on to the page stinks. I'll erase and criticize and second guess myself.

But that's the very key to the zone. Because being in the zone is the opposite of being out of the zone.

When I'm out of the zone, I'm negative. I'm focusing on why what I write stinks. I focus on what's wrong with my writing. When I'm in the zone, it's not that my writing is perfect. It's filled with grammatical and spelling errors. Some ideas just stink. But I save that for the editing phase.

As I mentioned earlier, being in the zone is about focus. It's a highly specialized kind of focus. Think of it like Henry Ford's assembly line. Each worker had only one job. And he did that repeatedly. It was almost a zen-like experience. That worker eventually got so good at that job, he could do it with his eyes closed. That's being in the zone. Imagine if not only that worker had to worry about bolting each door to the chassis, but had to worry about welding the chassis in the first place as well as building the engine and the rest of that car too. And then on top of it, had to figure out what he did wrong, assuming the further responsibilities of Quality Control. All at the same time.

It's not that he could not do it or would do a bad job. He just would not be very efficient at his job. And it would be a very stressful and frustrating experience.

Being in the zone means focusing on the task at hand. Worry about Quality Control later. Instead, do what needs to be done. When I'm in the zone writing, I don't worry if my work is good or bad, if the words are spelt right (I intentionally left this mistake in) or if I have commas in the right places. That's Quality Control's job. And while I also do Quality Control on my own writing, I save it till I'm actually done writing. Instead, I focus on getting out the ideas in my head, spelling mistakes, bad grammar and punctuation, and lame ideas as well. When I'm writing, there are no bad ideas. They're all good. Great even. Being in the zone is about positivity and a sense of superiority and trust. Positive that everything I write is good, that my judgment and what I put out is superior to all ideas I've had in the past and will have in the future, and trust that what I'm putting out now is the best I can do.

Then I go back and separate the good from the bad later.

Here's the cool thing about being my own quality control. It forces me to learn from my mistakes. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. And I'm able to look back over my own work and see what I like and what I don't. This sticks with me. It influences me over time, teaching me good grammar and spelling so I make fewer mistakes in the future. This allows me to focus on the ideas instead of the language or medium.

This does not mean I don't make mistakes. It just means mistakes don't slow me down. I'm so focused on the idea and not worried about how well I'm getting the idea across because I know when it comes to Quality Control, editing, or whatever you want to call it, I can handle my mistakes.

The key to being in the zone then is not avoiding mistakes or being 2-3 steps ahead of your "opponent" but to simply not let them hinder you instead. Contrary to the popular belief that in the zone there are no mistakes, it's a state of mind that comes from experience and confidence in your ability to handle any problems that come your way. It only seems like there are no obstacles, that there are no mistakes, because the part of your mind that's responsible for dealing with them is turned off.

The next time you find yourself struggling, ask yourself what are you worried about that is Quality Control's responsibility. Then wave bye-bye to it as you shut that portion of your brain off.

Being in the zone isn't about being on. It's about shutting off everything that's inessential.

choose your emotions

2009-07-08T00:41:00.000-07:00

failure happens. that's life. sometimes it's funny, even to you. and other times it's heart wrenching. but in the end, the results are the same - you didn't get what you wanted. and it's important to accept that.

as batman's dad said, we fall "so we can learn to pick ourselves up." but resilience is not the point of this post. it's about something more fundamental. as i pointed out earlier, when rejection happens, it has an emotional effect on us.

but when we look at exactly what emotions are, one thing becomes very clear, they have a lot in common. anger and sexual arousal have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies. so do fear, nervousness, and excitement.

the thing that differentiates the emotions is how our brains interpret what our body is going through based on the context and situation we experience those physiological responses in.

and because we interpret and label our physiological responses, we choose what emotions we feel. a man imposes his will, even on his feelings.

consider the following situation: you're at a bar and see a cute, but drunk girl by herself. you think to yourself, "easy pickings" and proceed to walk on over. when you get there, she pushes you back and says she's a lesbian--before you even utter a word.

how do you react?

1) offended that she (correctly) assumed you were trying to hit on her,
2) guilty and apologetic, as if you were doing something wrong and need to smooth things over with her for some unexplained reason, or
3) laugh because, hey, it is funny.

if you're like me, you've probably done the first two.

do you remember what happened when your first two reactions were in play? that's right. if you acted apologetic, she smelled blood and went straight for your jugular, unless you were smart enough to run away. but that didn't leave you feeling like much of a man. so maybe the next time you were offended and tried to tell her off. and what exactly did that accomplish? assuming she wasn't a violent drunk and it didn't escalate the situation to where the bouncer kicks you out, her friends came in and put some distance between you two, leaving you with lots of pent up anger, preventing you from enjoying the rest of your night.

having reacted the first two ways i know both ruin my night. and i've seen my friends react that exact same way to rejections that weren't even their own to know it ruins my night and their own. now, anger and guilt do come in handy at times when intimidation and forgiveness are necessary. but if you can solve a situation without getting your own blood boiling or stomach knotting, why not choose that different way?

here's how i react to that situation above: instead of anger, i feel sexual arousal. feistiness turns me on. instead of guilt, i laugh. if i'm that obvious, there's no point hiding it. maybe she'll let me watch. i do come with my own strap on.

how you feel in any situation will affect how you deal with any situation. if you feel good about it, you are more likely to do something. if you feel nervousness or fear, chances are you won't.

and while i propose courage is the best way to deal with fear, sometimes the best way is to simply choose not to be scared.

i'm not saying this will change anything. she might still continue being a bitch. this isn't about winning her over. you can't win her over. if she was into you, she wouldn't have been rude in the first place. but this is about not letting her bring you down. misery loves company and she'll stop at nothing to get you on her team.

think of the last time a chick was rude to you. what ways could you have turned that moment into an opportunity to shine? how could you have used her negativity to show your wit or sexuality? or both.

remember to do that the next time something similar happens. and if things still go nowhere, remember, at least you fell laughing.

being sexual

2009-07-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

it's sad, but true. some guys just don't know how to be sexual. or rather, they know, but for whatever reason, don't allow themselves to be. i'm not judging. i was one of them. but it is what it is--sad.

the thing is, it is not that hard. it's quite easy, in fact. it's in our genes. we just gotta sack up and go through the motions.

so what are the motions?

wait for it...

3

2

1

.

.

.

first lets consider what it is that makes you horny, what turns you on. i'm not talking about watching porn, but hey, that's certainly valid. i'm talking about in real life when interacting with a real person. is it her voice? the way she smells? how she touches and looks at you? maybe she's just standing really close to you? or do you need something more, like her grabbing your junk and watching porn?

know what it is that turns you on. then do that to her. that's it. give what you want to get.

when you're friendly, people are friendly with you. if you're an asshole, people are jerks to you. it's no secret. people are mirrors. if you keep wondering why girls keep telling you "lets just be friends" consider what you are doing, or rather, not doing. you keep sending the message, "i'm friendly." well, that's why genius. she's not looking for friends. if you're not getting what you want, change what you are giving.

and if you're not quite sure what it is that turns you on, read a romance novel or some women's sexual fantasies. lay off the porn. porn doesn't work your imagination like writing does. writing puts you in the story. porn doesn't.

there's no need to be an asshole or a cool guy. just give what you want to get. if it's sex, figure out what turns you on. then do that to her.

go for what you want

2009-07-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

as a man, it is important to be completely honest about what you want. i say man and not adult because women can be wishy washy and if they have a man in their life, he'll provide them with what they want and need.

but as a man, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want because no one is going to give it to you. after being honest with yourself, you have to go for it as directly and simply as possible. you have to take it. if you want food, you go to the fridge, restaurant, or supermarket--depending on what you want. obstacles might arise. obstacles such as walking, driving, or paying. you address those obstacles and you go for what you want--food.

with women, it is exactly the same. if you want sex and only sex, start by being honest with the girl. that doesn't mean saying "i'm only interested in fucking you." that's retarded--however retarded does work. but my point is don't set up a dinner date where you'll need conversation. instead, do drinks and dancing at a local club. maybe go to the park and lie in each other's arms under a tree. and if you do dinner and end up seated at opposite ends and conversation is a must, forget the life stories. focus on flirting and making things sexual.

why? because you don't care about anything else but the sex anyway. so why waste time? if she's into it, she'll go with it. if she's not, she won't. quit fearing rejection.

instead, as a friend of mine said, seek out rejection. it makes clear what obstacles and objections stand in your way. some cannot be overcome. some can. but now you know the path you must take.

if you want only sex or sex before anything else, seek out sex as directly and simply as possible. be sexual. look at her sensually. stand close. touch her. caress her. smell her. take in her body using all five of your senses. watch how she comes alive. either she will force you away or draw you in further.

if you want a girlfriend, do the dinner thing, get to know her, find out if she's right for you. then get sexual.

but here is where this rule breaks down and acts funky. because as the same friend said, sex is the reward we give girls. that is, everything girls do is in order to get sex. and more often than not, it is better to get sexual with a girl before getting to know her. it can often be impossible to truly know her until after you have had sex with her because she won't let you in until her needs are satisfied.

the obstacle that stands in your way of getting a girlfriend is her desire for sex which is stronger than her desire for a relationship or even finding a decent guy. as a woman, she doesn't have to be direct about what she wants. she just has to say yes or no to anything or anyone that stands before her because as a woman, things will present themselves to her. guys with and without balls will ask her out. she doesn't have to worry about food or entertainment because they'll take her out to dinner and a movie. and that's fantastic for her.

but as a man, you do not have such luxuries. and in your direct pursuit of finding the right girl, you will have to sleep with many women before you find her. in my opinion, that's not a bad thing at all.

go for what you really want as directly and as simply as possible. go for sex.

What is a man? And why does he get women?

2009-06-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

It is generally accepted that being a man is more than just being a male. It is more than simply having a dick. Otherwise, even boys would be men. And it is even more than simply a matter of age. How long a person has been on this planet has little to do with whether he is a man or not. We have all met those males who we would not consider men even at the ripe age of 50.

So what is it that separates the men from the males? To me, it's about ambition, will, and responsibility.

Ambition is desire. A desire for more than he has and more than he can probably get in his lifetime. But that doesn't stop him from wanting. To live a life without ambition is to simply survive. There is a reason men were and are the driving and dominant force in society. They set up governments and infrastructure, build buildings, and dominate the tops of most careers, even the "feminine" ones like cooking. And when women succeed in these areas, they do so by adopting behaviors and mindsets associated with men. Margaret Tatcher, Janet Reno, Judge Judy. All very masculine women in looks and attitudes.

But ambition without the will to see it through is nothing more than a dream. All humans are dreamers. But men make their dreams reality with the sheer force of their will. Will is doing what it takes to get the job done. It's not about following any set path. The set path might have new perils. A man will overcome those perils or forge a new path he is better capable of travelling. When he lacks the money to finance his dreams, he'll get a loan, a job, or whatever else he thinks necessary to get the job done, even robbing a bank. When he lacks people, he'll pay them, charm them, and promise them all the riches in the world just to get them on his side. Nothing stands in his way for long. Contrast this with the boy who falls off his bike and runs crying to mommy. He is not a man. Contrast the man with the girl who breaks a nail and complains about it all day. She is not a man. A man will not look for reasons to stop trying. A man will keep trying even when everything is telling him to stop.

But without responsibility, ambition and will mean nothing. Let's face it. Life is not perfect. And neither are we. We all make mistakes. And responsibility means acknowledging your role in that mistake and accepting it. What good is will and ambition if you refuse to recognize with who and where the problem lies? A man is able to look at a situation and assess where the blame lies objectively, even if that means blaming himself. Because without that assessment, without taking responsibility, he cannot move forward. Blaming others for your own place in life is a fruitless activity. It fails to acknowledge that others will rarely act in ways that are convenient to us. It prevents one from seeing the real problem and without seeing the real problem it is impossible to fix. You keep making the same mistakes until you recognize that you are doing something wrong. Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs call this step admitting you have a problem. A man accepts that in order to get what he wants, he must act rather than wait around for others to act. And a man's responsibility covers all aspects of his life, ranging from individual pursuits like career, to social pursuits like the people in his life, and even to global pursuits such as making the world a place in which he wants to live.

Notice what I left out. I left out the stuff about emotions. While others will tell you being a man is about hiding from or even embracing your emotions, those notions mean nothing here. Whether you choose to hide from your emotions or embrace them have little to do with your ambition, will, and level of responsibility. You can choose to never show emotion and still get what you want. You can also wear your emotions on your sleeve and still get what you want. But as a man, no option is off limits as you realize there is a time and a place for both. Your emotions are what they are. They can guide you. But they don't stop you. A man controls them and their display in order to reach his ambitions. Sometimes that means letting them run wild. And sometimes that means reigning them in. A man's will controls all.

I also left out the stuff about morality. A man wants what he wants. And he does what it takes to get it. But his willingness to take responsibility keeps him from doing things that will prevent him from reaching his ambitions. He recognizes stealing will land him in the state penitentiary, a place that makes it harder to get what he wants. But if he does land there, a man learns from his mistakes and doesn't let anything stop him from getting what he wants. A man's responsibility allows him to think long term and not just about passing fantasies in the moment. He commits to his wife and family, choosing not to cheat if he wants to maintain monogamous honest relationship with them. But if that is not a priority for him, he accepts it and chooses the path that best yields the results he wants. He is aware of his actions and the impact it has on the world around him. He defines his own moral code and the lines which he is not willing to cross.

So why is this attractive and especially attractive to women? It is not. Or rather, it is no more or less attractive than other women, androgynous men, sunsets, and shiny objects. What I mean is, a man doesn't focus on his own attractiveness. He does not try to get girls attracted to him because girls are attracted to anything and everything. And just because a girl desires something doesn't mean she'll go after it. If she did, she'd be a man.

Instead, a man goes after what he wants. He focuses on the object of his desire and exercises his will and responsibility in order to get her and keep her. He dominates people and circumstances in order to impose his will. A man prevails.

But a man also asks if he wants a woman he has to constantly entertain and pretend to be someone else in order to get her and keep her?

Or does he want a woman who wants him the way he is, where he is at ease with himself and does not have to try too hard in order to get her and keep her?

A man is aware of his desires and makes them real. He knows what he wants and gets it. Pursuing a woman based on her looks without regards to her personality and the way she makes him feel is a valid ambition. But so is pursuing a woman with those other intangibles like personality and how she makes him feel. He does not let the ambitions and desires of others cloud his own.

And if they do, he seeks to get clear of them, focusing on his own ambitions -- his own sexuality, his taste in women, his version of the "American Dream," and his own perfect world.

A man imposes his will. He does what he can, with what he has, wherever he is.

no capitals

2009-06-24T01:28:00.000-07:00

this is not only my first blog post here but my first blog ever. a historic moment indeed. years from now, when the internet has evolved into forms we can't even imagine yet, this blog shall be looked upon much like old newspaper articles in microfiche readers - amusing yet somehow more important than the other useless information floating around out there. either that or lost in the sea of other similar blogs around. whatever.

but i hope that in the moment of time this blog stays up to date, you the readers will interact with me, patting me on my back, asking my advice, and even challenging my opinions.

what exactly will i be sharing here? as the title of this blog suggests, i'll be sharing my thoughts on being a man in today's world. some of the advice will relate to women, relationships, and sex. others will relate to sports, politics, life, and whatever else i feel like. it's one of the benefits of owning a blog - the freedom to decide what goes on it.

i hope you get as much out of it as i do.